The Big Brother Africa 2 entries are in full swing and if you're entering you'll already be plotting strategies as to how to go about winning the ultimate big buck prize.
To assist you as you go into it I've jotted down my strategy DO's and DON'T's for if you get onto the show. These are them:
DON'T's1. Under NO circumstances whatsoever should you even begin to think about taking a musical instrument into the house. You WILL immediately be loathed by every single viewer who'll need to throttle you an hour into Day 1.
Even if you think you can sing - please remember:
1. This is what everyone who enters Idols thinks.
2. Every other housemate will assault your instrument for three months and drive you mad too.
3. Stefan Ludik.
2. When you're standing at the mirror in the bathroom don't pretend that you don't know there's a camera behind it. Rather work up as much steam on it from the hot water tap as you can and then, without anyone else seeing, write us a message in the steam.
This is what a BB contestant did in the book Dead Famous and it worked brilliantly. Don't worry about the mirrored writing coming out backwards on TV, we'll work it out.
3. Don't hide under the covers if you shag someone. If your shagee insists on hiding then don't deny it happened in your Diary Room session - 'fess up boldly and give us step by step goss.
4. Don't take any of Big Brother's *bleep!*. If he gives you ridiculous instructions or sets up pathetic rules or gives you a weekly task that sucks, challenge him about it.
Do NOT be afaid of being disqualified, they'll never go through with a disqualification.
5. Don't get violent 'cos this will get you disqualified. If you're bored or feeling ultra-irritated by everyone you can threaten to get violent though - test everyone just far enough to see how they react and then apologise - even if you don't mean it.
6. If you're up for eviction don't pack your suitcase ever - no-one's ever done this and we need to see what happens.
7. Don't NOT get into the jacuzzi when everyone else does. Don't keep your clothes on when everyone takes theirs off.
When you're starkers just be super-aware of what's going on with everyone else and find a cunning way of working it so that everyone else looks like they're throwing their names away in contrast to you.
8. Don't do the housework and/or cooking and then sulk around grumbling about it.
9. Don't, don't, don't read a book. Don't even take one with you and don't go near anyone else's. Don't do anything that involves you doing something that excludes us.
10. Don't put your fate in someone else's hands by having an affair or hanging around with one specific person.
If you find you just can't not have affairs then make sure you have them with at least four different people at the same time so that you have as many options as possible. Use your discretion as to whether or not it's best to let them know about each other or not.
DO's1. If anyone else brings a musical instrument into the house - avoid all group singalongs and hide the instrument as soon as you possibly can. Even if it annoys the housemates, it doesn't matter - it'll score you major points with viewers and you won't get voted out.
2. If you need to lie, backstab and betray your housemates go wild - but keep us in the picture as to exactly what you're up to at all times. When you're in the Diary Room let us in on all your secrets and let us know what you're thinking without worrying about whether we'll judge you or not.
Of course we will judge you big time but we'll have a blast. Don't worry about needing to face the housemates once the show's over - you'll have won the bucks so it won't matter.
4. Volunteer to clean the jacuzzi.
5. Find something that no-one else wants to do and do it with vigour. If it's cooking - do that, if it's sweeping - do that, if it's cleaning the loo - find someone else to do it.
6. When it's time to vote, vote someone out confidently without apologising. It's a total waste of time and serves no purpose.
7. Get into the shower with different people at different times and wash them down. Take flip flops for the shower.
8. Talk about people behind their backs with other housemates
a lot. Plant seeds of suspicion and doubt. Try to make as many housemates as paranoid about each other as possible.
9. Visualise the cash being in your bank account.
10. Only remember that your friends and family are watching when you're in the Diary Room. At all other times forget that they exist.