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Living:45 (a quarter to living)!

Written by Toxic from the blog Anything Goes on 16 Apr 2008
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I'm feeling like i'm standing on this wide expanse of whiteness....blinding whiteness....endless whiteness. I want to take a step in the right direction but right doesn't even seem visible and starting my own path seems so pointless from where i'm standing.

I'm living my life at the quarter to hand of a clock-there but not quite there yet. Half finished projects, half finished assignments, half finished food, half finished articles, half finished work-heck i can't find the inspiration to finish anything i start.

I've tried visualising the kind of life i want to live -have read the Bible, have read Rich Dad, Poor Dad, How to retire young and rich, Mind Power, The Monk who Sold His Ferrari, Secrets-i think i've outread "self-motivational books", myself! I have tried being the change i want to see in the world, have tried to think positive thoughts, have tried to believe the universe will bring into my life the kind of things i most desire and i'm all tried out. Maybe that's where the problem is: the word try.

If there was no such word as try, maybe i'd be a damn doer....i'd have the reserves to DO everything i've ever wanted to do with my life. I'm not despondent and i'm certainly not desperate, i'm just feeling like there should be some 1,2,3 step guide on living the life you want to live. Nothing that requires excessive hard work though cause i've worked so hard that i'm wondering where all the payoffs are???

How is that i'm not seeing all the payoffs of working hard? How is it that i have worked my way from the bottom to where i am-which is as you may have gathered, THERE but not quite THERE? How do i shake this feeling of helplessness, pointlessness off? How do i begin to feel like i'm taking control of my destiny when i don't even know what the heck that is?

More often than not, i just feel like lying in bed and sleep my life away. Nothing excites me anymore, not reading, not Sudoku, not music, not meeting people, not DVD and popcorn nights, not even the thought of spending time with my baby. I'm going through life cause my feet still allow me to move forward, my mouth still opens to let words out, my brain still processes enough thoughts to allow me to believe i'm not dead and my salary still manages to pay my debts-although i'm not doing such a great job there.

What i need is a life coach-i need someone to take care of my life for me-lead me in the right path-the path of righteousness and riches and wealth-the path of inner happiness and self-acceptance-a path few people tread on-a path that has me waking up an hour early cause i just can't wait to smell the flowers (can't stand the smell of coffee) and breathe in what fresh air remains-a path where i finally discover what it is to bask in life's glory and finally smile a smile that reaches my eyes.

Is there someone out there that feels this way?

70 Comments

Vutmi
16 Apr 2008 10:11

havent read yet...wanted to be the first one....let me post quickly before someone beats me to it....lol

Vutmi
16 Apr 2008 10:14

havent read yet...wanted to be the first one....let me post quickly before someone beats me to it....lol

Vutmi
16 Apr 2008 10:16

SORRY...got a little excited there! back to reading

motho419
16 Apr 2008 10:22

Bathong Vutmi !

Tshd21
16 Apr 2008 10:33

Tox babes....I think you need counselling......

Brown Shuga
16 Apr 2008 10:44

Toxic, are you serious? No man, this must be fiction....if it is then go ahead and write that book. If o bua nnete then I agree with Tshidi, you need to talk to someone. All the best!

Vutmi
16 Apr 2008 10:51

mmm...finally made it back...i kept getting this 'message cannot be transported error'...WTF???

nways Tox this is some serious issues...Tshd21 is right you need counselling! I used to feel like that until i read this quote i dont remember who wrote it but it went something like this..."find the job you like and you'll never have to work a day in your life!!!'...it really chagnged my life, quit my crapy job and did something i really love. i know maybe your problems go deep beyond work, but i believe that's where where all the troubles begins. You go to work @ 7/8 and you come back @ 5/6 every day, 5 times a week. and the salary still not covering up your needs.

Try meditating skat and praying a whole lot...the almighty will be your life coach...I know is reach coming from me...but hey i have my moments with the big guy and he never fails me!

Take care gal and gud luck!

Vutmi
16 Apr 2008 11:02

meant is rich...

Tshd21
16 Apr 2008 11:16

Okay Tox...

Nna neh? I don't feel what you are feeling right now? But I feel like I could just scream or explode everytime I see him...I am in love but "can't" express my feelings...... F**k.... everytime I see him I fall deeper and deeper.... and it hurts that I think I kind of know he is not feeling the same way....

Loud sigh.....

WhiteSockGirl
16 Apr 2008 12:25

Hi Tox! Powerful stuff girl,.... maybe time for a break,... vacation, a bit of dessert and some blue sea?????

Toxic
17 Apr 2008 00:13

*don't know what to say*

Tox babes....I think you need counselling......
Maybe Tshd21, there so much stuff i've bottled in that i may really need to speak to a professional.....

@BS: thanks and it ain't fiction!

Try meditating skat and praying a whole lot...the almighty will be your life coach...I know is reach coming from me...but hey i have my moments with the big guy and he never fails me!

LOL Vutmi, don't know why but this comment makes me wanna cry.

maybe time for a break,... vacation, a bit of dessert and some blue sea?????

WSG: i really hope the break clears my mood a bit cause i really am exhausted!

Best-Achiever
17 Apr 2008 00:24

@Toxic ....

This is much powerful than we think and i believe it goes beyond our imagination. Im glad you had the courage to write about it, finshed and post it ... at least that's one thing you have managed to do. You have already taken the first step .. speaking it out to someone else

I believe everyone at some point reach a point where everything seems pointless, well at least i do and this is what i do to draw back the strength and energy.

- i medidate on the Promises of God and stress the point that He said He i not a son of man to lie, so He will never lie
- i pray and pray and pray ... if constructive sentences cant come out of my mouth i just believe that God is seeing my heart ... most of the time these prayers end without an Amen.
- i look back and see how far i have come, the challenges i have overcome and that real gives me strength
- i also look at what i believed to be the future and somehow it brings hope to know that i still have a chance to live it, since im still breathing.
- I talk to God and tell him how exactly i feel, how do i do it;
i find quite time(where there is absolutely no one who can disturb me, switch of my phone, lock all the doors, switch of anything that can caught my attention) i normal sit on the bed, take a chair and put it opposite me(i directly sit and face that chair, nd imagine that God is sittig on that chair) and say everything that is in my heart, i dont leave a word ... it always take longer that i could think, the more i talk the more i feel that some weight is taken-off my shoulders, i talk, cry, wipe tears, talk again until i feel He is listening to me.

This has been working for me and it still does, i believe you'll also find a way to deal with the way you are feeling right now ... all i can say is You Cant Give Up Now, There is Much More Power Within You, There Is a Hero In You .... God Gave You The Authority Over Everything That is In The World .... Say What You Believe Your Life To Be even if it feels like you are lying to yourself But The Power of Life and Death Lies in Your Toungue; So Keep Saying It ....

Best-Achiever
17 Apr 2008 00:42

And surround yourself with People who brings The Best In You

Nonny
17 Apr 2008 01:07

"Half finished projects, half finished assignments, half finished food, half finished articles, half finished work-heck i can't find the inspiration to finish anything i start."

Gal, half finished articles, that I know very well, I'm still planning to finish ur project Tox.

Just hand in their, Martin Luther King Jr once said: "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

Is there someone out there that feels this way? - yes Tox, u are not alone.

This peice of urs, is so deep and even though u are seeking help urself u will indirectly help others.

And when u say u need someone to take care of ur life. I believe that someone is you and you need to pick urself up and remind urself of evrything that u have worth fighting for, especially ur child. So start with the little things and build ur way up. BA is right in saying that by completing this article, this is already a step in the right direction. And remember God will never forsake us, so pray and have faith!!!!

Nonny
17 Apr 2008 01:09

Just hand in their - eish, this was suppose to read: "Just hang in there"

poshspice
17 Apr 2008 01:49

Tox, I feel you, everyhting will be okay...just hang in there for dear life even if feels like you are hanging on a G-sting (H24 would have said).

nonny quoted powerful words.

thanks for this quote Noh....

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

Nonny
17 Apr 2008 01:57

Thank Poshspice. This quote also keeps me going at times, coz in life we have tests and those are the trying times that we go through, and this is where as human beings we have to show our stregnth and not give up!!!!

Porsch
17 Apr 2008 02:20

As i read your article i could just see me written all over, this is exactly how i feel at the moment, my life has no meaning and no purpose. yesterday was the worst for me all i wanted to do was to lock my door throw away the key and be my own prisoner, shut the world out and not listen to radio or watch tv, life felt so hopeless and pointless.

Toxic i know how you feel, the pain is so deep that it shakes your soul, where i question myself, my capabilities, strengh, acceptance of innerself, i question his word (he will not forsake me).

i also wanted a life coach, someone who will guide me, who will give me answers, who will reassure me that i am on the right path and that the route i have chosen will take me to my destiny, then i realized the answers i wanted will mean the end of my journey then i will not be living life, i realized i wanted the meaning of life, no human can give me the answer to that,they themselves are travelling this long road, then i spoke God tears rolling down and asked him questions( my eyes are full of tears as i write this) i had a conversation with him, i felt the weight/pain being lifted off my soul.

i believe this happens because you have so many plans for your life but yet you see no progression, you feel like what you are doing now is a total waist of time but yet we dont realize that this prepares us for this journey, a day will come where you will decide enough is enough i have been crolling for a long time and now i am going to be bold enough and walk.

it is an emotional roller coaster, and believe me feeling this way serves us one purpose, to bring us closer to GOD.

Toxic
17 Apr 2008 02:23

Best -Achiever, Nonny=you guys are Godsent, much thanks!

Im glad you had the courage to write about it, finshed and post it ... at least that's one thing you have managed to do.

LOL

i find quite time(where there is absolutely no one who can disturb me, switch of my phone, lock all the doors, switch of anything that can caught my attention) i normal sit on the bed, take a chair and put it opposite me(i directly sit and face that chair, nd imagine that God is sittig on that chair) and say everything that is in my heart, i dont leave a word ... it always take longer that i could think, the more i talk the more i feel that some weight is taken-off my shoulders, i talk, cry, wipe tears, talk again until i feel He is listening to me

Gotta get over my self-consciousness and do this. Everytime i pray i whisper the prayer cause i feel so uncomfortable/awkward praying out loud.......thanks girl!

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

Thank you Nons for this, u don't know what it means to me!!

Tox, I feel you, everyhting will be okay...just hang in there for dear life even if feels like you are hanging on a G-sting (H24 would have said).

LOL Poshspice!

Toxic
17 Apr 2008 02:25

Porsch-WOW!!!!!! I feel like u've opened my heart up and "read" what's contained in there........it's like u're mirroring my exact thoughts, feelings, emotions and it's so on point. Thank you!

Porsch
17 Apr 2008 02:34

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions knowing that i am not the only one makes it kind of easier to bear...you are incredible.

"God will never give us what we cannot handle"

Nonny
17 Apr 2008 02:40

"Gotta get over my self-consciousness and do this. Everytime i pray i whisper the prayer cause i feel so uncomfortable/awkward praying out loud.......thanks girl!"
Toxic, be proud of ur prayer when u pray, gal I am sure u know that with all the blessings that we have we should be standing on top of mountains and rejoicing, so don't whisper love, but now don't scream as if u want to claim to be saved..........LOL

@ Porsch, gal, u don't need anyone, u got urself, u know when u said: "a day will come where you will decide enough is enough i have been crolling for a long time and now i am going to be bold enough and walk." That gave me hope and made me see that even though u may think u are are weak, u are not ua strong and u know that one day all ur hard efforts will be rewarded, all u need do is perservere!!!

P.S - Hey, I never knew bloggers can be so deep, yazi a person can see ur'll joking and LOL all the time and not realise that there is so much that u are going through.

Nonny
17 Apr 2008 02:42

And remember guys, these hard times are there to bring us closer to God and to remind us that we need to appreciate our moments of pleasure and joy becoz in life there are many challenges to face and those challenges make us stronger human beings in the end.

Simmone
17 Apr 2008 02:53

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

Cnglemother
17 Apr 2008 03:03

Oh Toxy, you are not the only one, I have been in that dark place before and have slowly crawled out, not out completely but with time it gets better. I know sometimes there are things that all these self-help books cannot help even nalesigrizzana sikaSegolisto (gog'Oprah) even nebhayibheli.You feel all motivated while the doctor is giving you the low down, leave his office and get home and it all comes back as soon as you get under your blankets. I stopped acting like superwoman and accepted that I was human and was bound to fail at some stage in my life, accepted other people's offers to help me. It’s ok Toxy to leave your child with a neighbour (trustworthy and responsible of course) and go to the mall for the whole bloody day, watching movies and enjoying all the things that other young fabuloso women like you indulge in and not feel guilty about it. Don’t feel guilt about feel detached from your child from time to time, its normal. I was a worst case of a new mommy suffering from PND and wanted to leave my little boy in hospital 2days after he was born but that’s another topic for another day.

Like WSG hinted about taking a break I think the little things that we ignore tend to bring changes in one’s life, the changing the way you walk and stop dragging your feet with those granny flat shoes, take your house keys out of your handbag and carry them like you are going to get into your jaguar at P3 meanwhile you will be getting off at ground floor to go to the taxi rank. Taking very good care of your outward appearance, relax that kaferara, get that bonding, revamp yr oldrob, and get a facial once in a while. Get hired help for household chores, even if it’s the dishes that piled up on your sink for days and they are just too gross for your well manicured hands, go to the street and get some one to do it life is too short for all this domesticated labour.

The problem is that we are always expecting this big miracle to happen that will change our lives for the better. There is just no formula for these things and they sometimes fall into place in their own time. Trust me we are stronger than we think we are and situations likes turn to affirm that and you will not notice that in the meantime. That’s my 2c worth peeps.

Porsch
17 Apr 2008 03:04

hey Nonny

P.S - Hey, I never knew bloggers can be so deep, yazi a person can see ur'll joking and LOL all the time and not realise that there is so much that u are going through

that is so true Nonny, a good thing is we share our down moments and up moments either way life is still beautiful...

A day without a smile is a day waisted

Nonny
17 Apr 2008 03:06

(((((((((((CBER HUG CNGLEMOM)))))))))))...........I couldn't have said it better, we really are stronger than we think!!!

Madamzee
17 Apr 2008 03:08

Tox ngwana batho!!!! i feel you so strongly, esp when it comes to pain, i just know it too well

"God Gave You The Authority Over Everything That is In The World .... Say What You Believe Your Life To Be even if it feels like you are lying to yourself But The Power of Life and Death Lies in Your Toungue; So Keep Saying It .... "

Well said Best-Achiever. Sooooooooooo True! couldn't have said it better

I have learned that if you keep on confessing that you "CAN'T do......" (feeling sorry for yourself) that is exactly what is going to happen to you, you wont do it, as you are just attracting that negative energy in ur lyf..... Please erase that word in from your vocabulary and replace it with "CAN". it shouldnt exist. Anybody CAN do ANYTHING, only if you believe. Even when Jesus healed the Paralysed man he said " Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would." (I like it in Sesotho tumelo ya hao e o pholositse" )not Jesus healed him, but the persons belief did that for him.

now that i am having these things so called "problems" I manage to do allow myself to hurt a bit, but if it is taking longer than 3 days, i imagine it as a living thing and say to it, " you know what problem, i am not going to entertain you any further, because i just dont have the luxury to have you in my life, so if you are happening, it is your own problem now, i am done with you. the least i could do for you is to wait and see what lesson you have to teach me this time." I really do that, and it works like a charm, why? because the only way it can go away is if i tell it to, hence the Power of Life and Death Lies in Your Toungue. In life you must learn to look at the positive side of the problems you are facing. only you have the power to overcome it, so think positively, dont give up, face your problems, head on challenge them. takes a lot of time and practice. everytime you feel down, think of all the little things that makes you happy, then your mood will change! Gauranteed!!!!! then that will surely help you to face your problem head on.

Just CONFESS that you will get there. It WILL happen!!

Goodluck

felfel
17 Apr 2008 03:18

How do we get to this point though hey. I sometimes have these days too and its unbelievable the kind of pressures people put us under also. eg..My current partner suggested that i go back to school. He's not ware that i know that but i'm not even sure what to study now not to mention how to pay for this. I took up honours two years ago which i'm not even using right now, studying for interest i guess. I sometimes feel overwhelmed at this world and just sit and cry over nothing, i console myself that it must be PMS creeping up but PMS can't make you cry if you don't have underlying issues. And, you know what's even worse is the fact that there just don't seem to be a solution. My ex, seriously wants me back and he mentions that he's willing to go all the way in helping me financially even that doesn't seem attractive to me (generally, i find it hard to accept help from a man, i don't like a "hero approach"). What i'm saying is how do we get to this point mara, a friend of mine is also feeling the same way. She's 25, is Deputy Director, drives a renault, is about to buy a house, has serious style, men love her...etc but naye she's questioning her life's purpose. Feels like she just goes to work, get that paper and that's it nothing further to life. Mna, i feel like i need a seriuos hobby, like going to art classes (used to when i was young) or going back to music (play instruments), pottery...etc, anything even knitting classes, just to bond with other individuals and let go of the familiar and take ur mind away on some saturdays cos clearly money is not the solution here. My friend tutors some students from a black school around exam time after work and even weekends, i think it brings her some kind of fullfilment (shortlived), she calls them her kids.

felfel
17 Apr 2008 03:33

Everytime i pray i whisper the prayer cause i feel so uncomfortable/awkward praying out loud.......thanks girl!
I also can't pray 'properly'. I am not a dramatic prayer, my sister prays like she's bringing the house down, she always been like that and i've always wished i could pray like that. Even at night when i have a bad dream (like dreaming of a man chasing me...lol), i kneel to pray but nothing comes out, i end up opening my eyes lying on the bed on my back and just speaking to God.
I speak a lot to him even when i'm cooking or feeling lonely. I gave up trying to pray, i can't pray I speak, kinda nice tho'.

Cnglemother
17 Apr 2008 03:34

@felfel even if its insignificant things such as cooking or decorating, it will definitely add value and purpose. You should see the old women i bake with in my flat, nje out of my league but its fulfilling and eye-opening. I mean cooking to me has become such an activity for me no more pap& chicken/beef.

myname
17 Apr 2008 03:34

I dont have words to say ........im so speechless... Toxic dear believe me He still loves u............

Best-Achiever
17 Apr 2008 03:35

@Nonny
P.S - Hey, I never knew bloggers can be so deep, yazi a person can see ur'll joking and LOL all the time and not realise that there is so much that u are going through

Sometimes it helps not to entertain problems ... just to face life from the lighter side.

@Cnglemother .... well said over there .
.. we are real bigger that we think
and there is something that i believe, that i always remind myself when i feel like im not achieving as much as i want to or deserve

"Big things are made of small things and if Big things are made of small things, it surely means there are no small things for there'll be no Big things without small things"

and then i just appreciate whatever that comes my way

pushi
17 Apr 2008 03:44

Hi Tox, I don't know why but as I was reading your piece, I found myself nodding my head. Somehow I know exactly what u mean, u knw when u are just dragging urself & when some one asks a question as simple as "How are u", U don't know wat 2 say.

Let me read the replies

Lex
17 Apr 2008 03:44

Iyoo Tox,u shud have seen me last nite.I felt so useless all alone in the house.I wanted to cry but the damn tears wouldnt come out.I feel I need to find something to focus on.At the beginning of the year I was so bored and didnt know what to do so I registered for my Masters and was excited for two weeks, but I'm just not feeling it anymore and crucifying myself for going back to school.Huu-wii,mare kante why life e le so mare he?EISH.

One thing that keeps me going is that just like everything else "THIS TOO SHALL PASS"

Addictv
17 Apr 2008 03:46

Toxy baby, you are not alone....I know a bunch of philisophy is not going bring immediate relief to yo turmoil....but be assured dat "this too shall pass" this kinda thinkin is wat keeps me hanging on wen things go torpy-turvy...coz I know nothing lasts forever.

so u just need to keep lookin up child & let God be your guide & comforter.

@ Best-Achiever...how do u do it.....always looking at da bright side of life?....somehow I knew even bf I even finished reading dis post, dat u wud come with an inspirational, spiritual & philosophical answer....u always do. Doesnt life get u down sometimes?

Fluffy Head
17 Apr 2008 03:48

Toxic: I'll put my 2cents worth in.

Last night I was watching TBN (I know not popular amongst us 21st century kids, but when u don't have the energy to read the bible or pray - watch or listen to s'n that will give u the same benefit_remember my bring back the TV article)

Anywho I was listening to Joyce Meyer_her show is at 9pm every night I think.
Well she said something so profound that it made me think and actually challenged me to alter my thoughts. You know she said that you have 2 choices when you have troubles in your life.
1. Meditate on your problems and think about them moment in and moment out. You will make your problems your king this way. And possible blow them out of proportion. You'll definately get depressed doing this and will run out of motivation soon.
2. Meditate on all the good things going on in your life, think about the goodness dof God and all his blessings over your life. You are aware that you have troubles but you choose to focus on all the good things...What happens_the problem that seemed so big suddenly looks small. You encourage yourself to overcome the very problems you have. You never run out of positive energy.
She said that our atittudes dertemines our altitudes...as in how far you gonna get in life depends on your attitude. You have to control your thoughts and definately not allow yourself to think negatively or to overly focus on the problems....but think good thoughts and count your blessings.

I believe that doing so will give you courage to face up to any problem you might hae. Cause if you are depressed there is no way you gonna have energy to deal with anything.

Good luck gal

Nonny
17 Apr 2008 03:50

@ Felfel, nami I always say life is truly ironic, cos normally the feeling of incompleteness and unfulfillment will happen when it 'appears' to others as though u are at the peak of ur life, kanti deep down u are not happy at all!!!!

Cnglemother
17 Apr 2008 03:56

Oh Addictiv how true! that's exactly my philosophy in life.

but be assured dat "this too shall pass" this kinda thinkin is wat keeps me hanging on wen things go torpy-turvy...coz I know nothing lasts forever.

Addictv
17 Apr 2008 04:04

@Nonny,...the feeling of incompleteness and unfulfillment will happen when it 'appears' to others as though u are at the peak of ur life, kanti deep down u are not happy at all!!!!

I know what u mean...sometimesu cant even get meaningful feedback from friends & family wen u share yo problems....coz they look at yo lyf and assume u shud be happy....and wen u say u not....its lyk u feeling sori for yourself.....or hav nothing beta to wori abt....so u make up problems......and there's nothing I hate more than being told there are people out there with real & bigger problems than mine.....becoz to me wat am going thru is big for me....comparing it to someone else's...doesnt make to burden easier for me to carry.

Best-Achiever
17 Apr 2008 04:09

@Addictv ... Like i said in my very firt reply in this article .... i do come across those times... and i did point out how i deal with those times and feelings. I'm NO SUPERHUMAN, i have my moments i do break down and cry ...

Another thing, i know it doesnt help to sit down and meditate on the problems you have but it depresses you, it ca even kill you. No matter how long you meditate on your problem, it will never ever feel pity for you and give you a solution. so it is better to realise that and try to find the positive side of thing and meditate on it

i think there was a reason why we had our heads(which contains mind) on top of everything that brings sense in our body ... it was becase it has the ability to control everything else in the body ....
so it is real up to you if you choose to take things bottom -up (let feelings control you) ... you gonna die crying

we cant control the flow of problems into our lives but how we attend them is absolutely up to us.

Cnglemother
17 Apr 2008 04:13

we cant control the flow of problems into our lives but how we attend them is absolutely up to us. Amen to that BA, otherwise we would all go to Bhofolo/Sterkfontein.

Nonny
17 Apr 2008 04:19

Guys can I share this one philosophy that I once heard and it really touched me, well it said:
"If were asked to put all our burdens in one room and given the choice to choose a simpler problem, u will leave the room with the same problems you had in the first place"
I like this quote coz it reminds me that even though we feel like we an't handle what we are going through, we actually can and that is why out of all the people God chose u to tackle ur challenge at hand. So all we gotta do is tap in2 that stength that we all have within!!!!

Toxic
17 Apr 2008 04:22

phew!! Don't know who to thank more....you guys are awesome, thanks from the bottom of my heart (gratitude is one emotion that's real cause it's so rare!)

Toxic, be proud of ur prayer when u pray, gal I am sure u know that with all the blessings that we have we should be standing on top of mountains and rejoicing, so don't whisper love, but now don't scream as if u want to claim to be saved..........LOL

Nons, LMAO!!!!

I stopped acting like superwoman and accepted that I was human and was bound to fail at some stage in my life, accepted other people's offers to help me.

go to the mall for the whole bloody day, watching movies and enjoying all the things that other young fabuloso women like you indulge in and not feel guilty about it. Don’t feel guilt about feel detached from your child from time to time, its normal.

take your house keys out of your handbag and carry them like you are going to get into your jaguar at P3 meanwhile you will be getting off at ground floor to go to the taxi rank

LOL!!

Taking very good care of your outward appearance, relax that kaferara, get that bonding, revamp yr oldrob, and get a facial once in a while. Get hired help for household chores, even if it’s the dishes that piled up on your sink for days

Cnglemom, you're TALKING TO ME!!!!! That's where i wanna be, thanks so much!!

Toxic
17 Apr 2008 04:27

Madamzee: thank you so much!!!

Mna, i feel like i need a seriuos hobby, like going to art classes (used to when i was young) or going back to music (play instruments), pottery...etc, anything even knitting classes, just to bond with other individuals and let go of the familiar and take ur mind away on some saturdays cos clearly money is not the solution here.

Felfel, spot on!!! That's the thing....seems like one grows up having so much time to do all and everything and all of a sudden one doesn't even have time to think cause there are all these "problems" coming at us from different directions. Was watching GenGame the other day and there was this lady who does pottery and i just felt i wanted to do that and that's all i ever did ...think abt it *sigh*

am not a dramatic prayer, my sister prays like she's bringing the house down, she always been like that and i've always wished i could pray like that.
LOL

Addictv
17 Apr 2008 04:30

@Best-Achiever....Yeah, I gues I understand dat...its jus dat u alwayz seem know what to do & how to do it...dats an admirable quality. Some of us jus wallow in self-pity first bf we can drag ourselves up and go. And as much I pray... i sometimes feel lyk GOD isnt even listening.....guess I need to work on my realationship with him...but am not sure how.

Toxic
17 Apr 2008 04:44

Somehow I know exactly what u mean, u knw when u are just dragging urself & when some one asks a question as simple as "How are u", U don't know wat 2 say.

Pushi:Yep, cause u know saying I'm fine is a big lie and you don't want to bore people with your problems? I know exactly what you mean...been there!

One thing that keeps me going is that just like everything else "THIS TOO SHALL PASS"

Thanks Lex:)

so u just need to keep lookin up child & let God be your guide & comforter.

Thanks Addictv!!

Meditate on all the good things going on in your life, think about the goodness dof God and all his blessings over your life. You are aware that you have troubles but you choose to focus on all the good things...What happens_the problem that seemed so big suddenly looks small. You encourage yourself to overcome the very problems you have. You never run out of positive energy.

Thanks Fluffy.......it's not so much me focusing on my problems as it is a general feeling of not being fulfilled-know what i mean? But this is useful information cause if i spend my time counting my blessings then i have little time to spend wallowing in feelings of despair/despondency.

lepogo
17 Apr 2008 04:51

Great blog-much respect.

One thing,though,we all are responsible for our feelings and journey through life.Joy,wealth and goals are not destinations,we live them,not achieve them,and not payoff day is gonna come-you should be experiencing the joy of doing what you love everyday,not looking forward for results-its a process-not an event.

I read a very beautiful passage for devotion this morning by a Morris Venden,that an Apple tree produces apples because IT IS an apple tree,not to become one....

One love and good luck in getting back your perspective.I got mine back and I am back with my wife and left my job for a better life and I am living my dream

Cnglemother
17 Apr 2008 05:04

Great Lepogo, i have always wondered about your situation & was just too scared to enquire in case you gwara me coz u are very good at that. How's Litha BTW?

suzzy82
17 Apr 2008 05:06

Toxi all i can say is that believe in God like the others say he'll never give us wt we can not handle
i remember 1999 and 2000 those years were hectic for me i lost my mother it was a sudden (sp)death and then my father 2000 and for 5 years i stop believing in God ,i kept on saying he doesn't exist wasn't going to church was not praying ,but he pvoved himself to me oneday when i was involved in a car accident i'm the only one came out ALIVE with no injuries

Just hang in there and keep on calling him, he has a purpose of bringing u in this world
you guys r counsellers self ...lol

lepogo
17 Apr 2008 05:08

@Cnglemama,
He is great(all sons are great in their fathers eyes),and has developed a habit of following me around to everywhere,does what I do and imitates my actions,gestures,laughter,he even yells at the taxi drivers when I do.

And I never gwara mense,not cuties and warm people like you who like ander mense se besigheid.......

Toxic
17 Apr 2008 05:09

I know what u mean...sometimesu cant even get meaningful feedback from friends & family wen u share yo problems....coz they look at yo lyf and assume u shud be happy....and wen u say u not....its lyk u feeling sori for yourself.....or hav nothing beta to wori abt....so u make up problems

Eish, this is sooo soooo true!!

cocktail
17 Apr 2008 05:16

gal did nt know u were in such state man,really im sorry.dont u think its about time u take a vacation n visit Home,like your old friends n family from free state,that can help to forget about all the pressure u have for a short of time,dont worry sweetly u aint alone,we all come across that at some point in our lives,your hard work will be recognise someday,just wait n see.........u once told me good things come to those who wait,there's nothing wrong with you love u r a perfect example of a normal human being n i respect you for comin out n admit your problem gal. Dont allow that thought that says you shld go out n meet ppl,go out n meet those ppl that small laughter is goin to do wonders in your health,cant blv even this is affectin with yo little one..........can i just say personally im here when you need to talk............much love n remember u r not alone hey!

poshspice
17 Apr 2008 05:32

lepogo -He is great(all sons are great in their fathers eyes),and has developed a habit of following me around to everywhere,does what I do and imitates my actions,gestures,laughter,he even yells at the taxi drivers when I do.

yep I know what you talking about, these days I get floods of questions, the 5 year old boy asks non-stop...he recently asked why the SUN follows us wherever we are travellign to work...why is Red Red..??? sometimes when stressed I feel like saying 'shut the f*** up' but never do it & try to be patient with him...

CALIL
17 Apr 2008 05:39

I can relate to your feelings.talking about it is the first step.i'm caugh in a difficult situation,feel like im drowning and no one can rescue me.my boyfriend/father of my baby of six years asked to marry me last year and when he said that he'll be sending his people to my family for lobola) talks i was so excited.just three weeks before the lobola was paid i asked him to call off the wedding because i didn't want to get married not to him or anybody for that matter,he threatened suicide.i was afraid to tell my parents cause they'll definitely wont hear it.so i went ahead and got married traditionally.now we are fighting like an old married couple,he spie on me,he cheated on me(i found out),i cheated on him( he doesn't know yet)i don't love him anymore.i keep hoping that things will get beta or something will happen and we'll break-up.i tried breaking up with him three times already(this year only) but i always take him back.im afraid to take the first step because i know my family will never forgive me and i don't think i can handle the dissapointment.i hoped it would get better but...................

cnhlanhla
17 Apr 2008 05:42

@ BA.....most of the time these prayers end without an Amen. ..........I'm glad i'm not alone on this one, coz with me the same thing happens and I will be questioning if lokhu kubonisa a sign of not being serious enough na. Mostly when I start praying I start calm and I don't know what happens I will find myself carrying on & on and then end up crying leaving it like that, never saying amen....is it wrong?

@ Porsh......it is an emotional roller coaster, and believe me feeling this way serves us one purpose, to bring us closer to GOD. ............ i agree with u 100%, as a result mina ngize ngithi maybe there is something that I should be learning from all my hardship & maybe God is seeing that I am not learning a thing.

@ Toxic....... for all of us there are times like that & u'll be questioning almost everything about you feeling ukuthi you know what " kanti where exactly am i missing it".....let me tell u what I always ask God when I jst don't know what to tell him or moan......I just say the following: Dear God, let me not go bitter and discouraged regardless what the obstacles may be.

Sugarcandy
17 Apr 2008 06:10

@ Toxic

God, our Father, knows and cares about our weaknesses. Therefore, He prepares us, not only for the glorious future He has planned for us, but for the tests and challenges to our faith as we live in a fallen world. In the midst of ominous warnings and dire prophecies, He reaches out with love to hold His hurting remnant of faithful believers close to Himself, reassuring them that, in and with Him, all will be well.

Babes please Isaiah 40:10, i hope it will make you feel better.....I always read it everytime i feel down and out.

bulie
17 Apr 2008 06:30

Hey Toxic i feel u sister and please remember that there is a saying that says For nothing is impossible with God in other words Akukho nanye into eyakumnqabela yena uThixo so everything u do just put it in his hands and He'll show u the way and also u need to go for counselling. Its strange to hear that there are other people who feel the way u do coz i used to feel like that too and worse when last Sunday some1 tried to break in into my house but luckily i woke up before he can get in and he ran so i asked myself why me? why did he choose to cum into my house and leave others but as i said before if it was'nt for God's sake maybe he would have came in and raped me or sumthing and then after at that stage i prayed and thanked God for saving me.

So keep going gel and u'l find a way and i'm sure of that just keep Faith in urself and Him then u'll be fine trust me.

youngtodie
17 Apr 2008 06:39

@ Toxic---girl i clearly understand ,let me put in this was i was once there. Firstly - we are here(in this world) for a mission.We have to face any challenge that comes in our way. If God did not love u'll not be alive. So my dear just pull yourself together , take a sit have a chat with the Creator,tell him want you want(even if He already knows) .I promise you dear He won't dissapoint you.

He Loves you more than your mom. When His son dies on cross for us He sais "it is finished" He mean't the suffering you have,take all and give it to Him .

I'VE BEEN THERE GIRL HE TOOK ALL THE SUFFERING FROM ME AND HE WILL DO THE SAME TO YOU.TRUST THE LOVE OF GOD.

pushi
17 Apr 2008 06:50

Who needs counselling when u have TVSA hee?

You guys are a very special bunch, u really are

youngtodie
17 Apr 2008 06:55

Toxic
17 Apr 2008 07:07

Thank you:

youngtodie
bulie
sugarcandy
cnhlanhla
calil
cocktail *hugs*
suzzy82
lepogo

!!!

Best-Achiever
29 Oct 2008 11:52

Just wanna say.... Im so happy that you are now living a Faith-Filled-Full-Life Not the on the qaurters. This is real Great dear

Toxic
29 Oct 2008 11:59

Best, true love. Amazing what a big change God brought into my life.

carino
29 Oct 2008 12:57

OMG.... cant believe i wasnt here when this article was read.... coz i was feeling exactly like this at this time in my life....

But naahh... things have started to look up... i've decided to stop complaining... and focus on the good things that are happening....
tell my problems how big God is, instead of telling God how big my problems are....

I relate so deeply to these statements...
I'm living my life at the quarter to hand of a clock-there but not quite there yet. Half finished projects, half finished assignments, half finished food, half finished articles, half finished work-heck i can't find the inspiration to finish anything i start.

How is that i'm not seeing all the payoffs of working hard? How is it that i have worked my way from the bottom to where i am-which is as you may have gathered, THERE but not quite THERE? How do i shake this feeling of helplessness, pointlessness off? How do i begin to feel like i'm taking control of my destiny when i don't even know what the heck that is?

More often than not, i just feel like lying in bed and sleep my life away. Nothing excites me anymore, not reading, not Sudoku, not music, not meeting people, not DVD and popcorn nights, not even the thought of spending time with my baby. I'm going through life cause my feet still allow me to move forward, my mouth still opens to let words out, my brain still processes enough thoughts to allow me to believe i'm not dead and my salary still manages to pay my debts-although i'm not doing such a great job there.

Best-Achiever
29 Oct 2008 13:10

But naahh... things have started to look up... i've decided to stop complaining... and focus on the good things that are happening....
tell my problems how big God is, instead of telling God how big my problems are....

With that attitude carino ..you are going places

belz
14 Nov 2008 15:57

Oh Tox!!!! how did i miss this, i hope you took all this marvelous responses and used them, i hope you ok now. BA: That talking to God using a chair thing works, i use my teddy bear coz i love him too much, so i put him in front of me and sit on my bed and start talking, i moan about everything, i thank him, after the session, you feel like a brand new person!!!! i msut admit though, it was so weird in the beginning!!! Much love y'all!!!

Toxic
14 Nov 2008 16:06

I did Belzy........good as new now, with my faith restored!

belz
14 Nov 2008 15:57