So apparently Todd won. Somehow. I would tell you exactly how but thanks to the crack-smoking team at the SABC3 office, THEY SKIPPED THE GODDAMN FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE REUNION!
Yes, it seems the SABC is in such dire financial straits, they had to sell off bits of the Survivor finale for drug money. Unfortunately, instead of selling off the parts no-one cares about, like the fifteen-minute previously sequence, they decided to get rid of the most important part of the entire finale.
Don’t worry, I’m sure the culprit at the SABC will be severely dealt with. He will probably be fired for this. And handed a R11 million severance package.
I could spend the rest of this column complaining about the SABC but what fun would fifteen straight pages of obscenities and CAPSLOCK be? Besides, I’m sure that anything I come up with will pale in comparison to your own obscenities you screamed at the television while watching.
First, some filler
Previously on Survivor: blah blah blah, stuff happened. Lots of stuff. SABC3 did not advertise that Survivor was starting half an hour earlier than usual. Courtney, Todd, Denise, and Amanda made it to the final four. It was a wild ride.
Because Mark Burnett is still under the mistaken impression that a final three is more exciting than the final two, the first challenge of the episode was a Reward Challenge instead of the once traditional Immunity Challenge. The RC involved the Tiny Wall of China, which is like the legoland version of the more famous Great Wall. Amanda won and got to enjoy some pizza and brownies. Jeff gave her the option of sharing the food and she chose Todd so she could keep an eye on him.
This dredged up some painful childhood memories for Denise of always being the last picked. Luckily she had a bartender there to pour her heart out to. You know, people might have second thoughts about sharing their troubles with bartenders after watching Courtney in action in season.
Before I knew it, it was time for the ‘Fallen Comrades’ walk of flashbacks. It’s just like the dead people montage at an awards show, only no-one’s actually dead or talented. As if people like Chicken and Dave weren’t unbearable enough the first time. Speaking of Dave, according to his flashback, his strategy was to be “highly likeable”. I’d rate this plan as having been slightly less successful than Hitler’s invasion of Russia.
Some flashbacks later, the survivors gathered in front of the statue of the Chinese goddess of pointless filler to participate in the final IC. The challenge was to balance some china (from China! So clever!) until all other competitors died of heatstroke. The challenge came down to Amanda and Denise. Denise was looking wobbly. Amanda was looking like a robot. An Amandroid, if you will. Denise tried to make a deal with the Amandroid but she refused. One final wobble later and Amandroid claimed her spot in the final three.
Yet more filler and a vote
Everyone was suddenly very appreciative of Amanda now that she had the power. Denise, poor creature that she was, tried to escape the inevitable by arguing how crappy her life was. Argumentum ad Patheticum is the Latin term for this, I believe. Amanda looked sad and pouty. Well, poutier than usual. She reassured Denise (or so the editing would have you believe) that she had nothing to worry about in the next TC. But for all her poutiness, has Amanda ever let emotion get in the way of her devious plans? Was she really going to start now?
Courtney did not approve of Denise’s strategy to get into the final three by playing up her sad, sad life. “This isn’t a welfare. She shouldn’t win by sucking at life,” she complained. Yes, better to engage in the far more respected strategy of acting like the biggest bitch this side of the Great Wall.
At Tribal Council, Denise was sure to mention that Amanda had guaranteed her safety earlier that day. Quick as a flash, Amanda said that she had made no such promises that day. Interesting choice of words there, Lionel Hutz. Todd made a face and pointed out just how quick Amanda was to sell Denise down the river. Amanda gave him a look that clearly said, “Oh, you little bitch. I cannot believe I shared my brownies with your pygmy ass.”
Amanda totally did sell Denise down the river though. I’d speculate that the moment when she decided not to vote Todd out was the moment she lost the game, but since I have no idea how the jury voted, I’ll fill the space I would have used with random gibberish instead. Basket. Duck. Uno. The Goonies. Moist. Five. Monkey gone to heaven. Rosebud.
And the winner is…
Courtney and Todd were thrilled to be in the final three but Amanda was downcast because of what Todd had said at TC. Todd acted innocent. The next morning they burned Jean-Robert’s shoes. A Beijing-like smog suddenly appeared above camp.
The moment we were waiting for finally arrived. Final TC. The jury-members looked as stone-faced as terracotta warriors. Jeff let the final three make their opening remarks, during which we learned Courtney had weighed 95 pounds at the start of the game. I sympathy-ate a whole ham. And then, it was time for the jury to do their thing…
Then someone in the SABC3 offices fell asleep on the switchboard and it was suddenly the reunion. Todd had won and was sporting a hideous fauxhawk-mullet combination. Courtney looked almost healthy, and all the women were wearing way too much make-up as usual. Questions were asked and remote controls were thrown at the TV. James won the favourite survivor prize, while Denise and Peih-Gee (!!!) rounded off the list of viewer favourites. Everyone was sad when Denise revealed she was working as a janitor because going on Survivor lost her her job, but Mark Burnett spontaneously gave her $50 000 so it was all OK. Finally, Jeff revealed that the new season would feature superfans vesus former “favourite” contestants. Yes, I do know who the “favourites” are, and those quotation marks aren’t going anywhere.
And they all lived happily ever after.
THE END
FIN
FADE TO BLACK
Back to the future
But wait….
Someone at the SABC must have noticed a sudden influx of irate callers and realised something was Very Very Wrong. So, eventually they did show the jury questions and vote like some reality show version of Memento. And I would love to recap it, I really would. Except I changed the channel in disgust about seventeen music videos later and only changed back when it was halfway through.
I am sorry. I feel like an SABC employee myself right now. I feel like I should be the one reprimanded, and hated by fans, and given a huge cash bonus as punishment. Unfortunately, I can’t properly recap the jury vote beyond a couple of things I actually caught – Todd answered Jaime’s question so well she changed her answer, and Denise’s question left out the all important bit where she actually asked a question – so I’ll have to improv instead. If you, like me, missed the jury vote, then why not make your own storyline?
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: SURVIVOR JURY EDITION
Peih-Gee:
a.) forgot she had already been voted out and kept trying to convince Courtney to switch alliances.
b.) spent five minutes swearing at the final three in Mandarin
c.) ignored the final three completely and instead grilled Denise on why she didn’t take her on the reward challenge
James:
a.) asked Jeff if it was too late to play one of his immunity idols
b.) communicated in nothing but exaggerated facial movements and eyerolling
c.) started talking about forbidden apples, got hungry, and wandered off to eat something
Erik:
a.) flashed his most charming smile, causing the women and Jeff to start screaming like little girls
b.) took out his guitar and sang an acoustic rendition of ‘Like a Virgin’
c.) spent his time putting his hair in curlers
Frosti:
a.) passed Courtney a note with “Do u like me??? Y/N” written on it
b.) asked Todd and Amanda the most difficult questions he could find and then asked Courtney to describe just how awesome she was
c.) snidely told Courtney, “I’m not your munchkin anymore” and began making out with Denise
Jaime:
a.) presented Jeff with a fake immunity idol made of half a coconut shell and a banana skin
b.) giggled “I’m not as dumb as I look” and then fell down
c.) giggled “I’m not as dumb as I look” and then recited Plato
Denise:
a.) cried about how she had always been last picked at school when she was the final jury member Jeff called
b.) kicked the final three’s asses with some patented Shaolin moves
c.) asked Jeff for a duck foetus recipe so she could serve it at her school
Jean-Robert:
a.) promised Courtney he’d vote for her if she let him smell her hair
b.) tried to get Jeff to change the rules so the million dollars would be up for grabs in a single-hand poker game
c.) spent eight minutes talking about how brilliant his game was and then asked how the final three could possibly compare to his genius
Todd won because:
a.) Amanda’s blur got so big, no-one knew she was even in the final three
b.) Courtney won the jury with her underdog tale and then lost them again by insulting all their mothers
c.) he promised everyone business seat upgrades on the plane trip home