And the
girl next door model who'll be looking for love on M-Net's first season of The Bachelorette South Africa is Qiniso Van Damme...
... one of the contestants from Season 2 who dodged a bullet when Marc Buckner didn't choose her.
She's a professional schmodel - like the two bachelors before her! - but the rest of her life isn't as vague and blurry as theirs was thankfully.
She's a Master's student at UCT studying Social Anthropology and she's fluent in four languages apparently: English, isiZulu, siSwati and isiXhosa.
She's conversational in Spanish, she's learning Afrikaans, she snacks at Cinnabon and she's the sister of Phumzile Van Damme, the DA's Shadow Communications and Digital Technologies Minister - must explain why she's a multi-language communicator.
And now she's looking for love on TV, on the show where the relationships don't last.
She literally started this quest on the same day that last season's couple blew up.
Red rose winner Marisia van Wyk made a
cryptic Instagram announcement about it yesterday in that annoying cryptic way that people do when they're looking for attention.
Her followers managed to work out what she was insinuating with all her hashtags and in a nutshell: Marisia and Marc split a while ago already.
At least they kind of lasted until the announcement of the new batch, unlike Season 1's fiasco that imploded before the show even finished airing.
So what could possibly go wrong for Qiniso?
With this in mind, I decided to create this checklist of tips to help her along the way. It's actually a checklist for any bachelorette, but I've customised it for Qiniso:
1. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances give a rose to a model. I
cannot emphasise this enough. Besides the fact that you're both in the same professions, which has problems of its own - you have to know that he's going to give much more attention to his mirror image than he'll give to you.
2. If a thought crosses your mind that there's a problem with someone - even if it's a mere flicker - trust it. Don't be polite. Trust your gut.
3. Ask the bachelor contestants to do things for you regularly. Fetch things, cook things, run errands. Keep them on their toes and really assess how useful they could be. AND the spirit with which they do these expressions of devotion.
4. Regularly quiz them about their past relationships to see how they behaved in them. Try to catch them out if you think they aren't being honest. Don't be embarrassed and shelve it if you catch them in a lie - find a way of confronting them on it.
5. Let them know that your kissing standards are high. Set this up at the start.
6. Try to bomb them in awkward moments, when they've just woken up or don't think the cameras will see them. Their reaction will be telling.
7. Throw the words DA vs ANC into a conversation and see how they react.
8. Try to avoid being on WhatsApp with them. If you just can't, you
have to turn off the "read" notifications.
9. If they wear closed shoes without socks - be warned!
10. Suss out his relationship with his mother and regard it as a red flag if he listens to her advice.
Put these into practice and I guarantee they'll help you find The One. Money back!