EPISODE 4:Noo – the moment those incredible brooding clouds hit the scene I should have braced myself and known that things were gonna end in gloom.
The intense thing was that as the Schroeders set off at the start of the episode I committed to being on their side unconditionally for the long haul because of them being so constant in never taking things too seriously. It was a moment they had when they were badmouthing the Weavers that really highlighted their groovy humour.
I know that Sashy or Splashy or whatever the daughters name is turned into a neurotic, pink-necked nut half way through but even then they never lost the sense that nothing they do or say is important enough to change the core of their love for each another.
For them to achieve this with a step-parent involved is admirable, as was Mark's willingness to take full responsibility for his team with no excuses. Of course the worst part of it all was that they lost to the bratpack Gag’ums who very annoyingly managed to muscle up to cling-on yet again.
I’m convinced Phil has something to do with it – either he’s feeding them something different or he’s giving them shorter routes. I’m actually starting to want a new host - Phil’s yawning me out – it has something to do with his eyebrow in combo with the things he doesn’t say – which is impossible to explain.
Sort of like the mind mess of trying to understand how the ugliest, rustiest, most depressing office chair in the world could be a landmark for 24 years without someone destroying it. It was even worse than the concrete shoe!
What's up with the Americans and their crap space wasting – what are they exactly? Sculptures? Sightseeing attractions? And who was the Pig on top of it? At first I thought it was a statue of a grey man but then it seemed to change position. Was it alive?
This is where the cold greyness that took the Schroeders out of the game began as the creepy chair gave teams their first clue which was to drive to a racing track in Alabama. Here they all ended up disappointed when they got tricked into thinking they’d be racing super cars and had to peddle whackjob party bikes instead.
This is another reason I’m irritated with Phil - there’s way too much in the show that feels as if it’s trying to keep everyone happy all of the time in the same way a family targeted advert does by safe-ing everything up.
It’s like I can’t help feeling distrustful of things, never quite certain whether teams are doing something simply because it’s a cool challenge for them and us or if someone’s paid for them to do the party bike ride as product placement or if the show’s trying to send some kind of patriotic US message.
They all broke a sweat so the bike was okay I suppose but still I didn't like the niggly feeling of suspicion. After they'd done a circuit round the track everyone had to find a trailer park development where they spent the night after choosing a time to leave in the morning.
Teams woke up and left at different times, got a clue to go Louisiana from a BP dude and after crossing a genuis bridge they reached Pelican State Park where they faced a Detour involving Work or Play.
Some chose to work by sawing wood, others chose to play by having a game of Blackjack and the Linz’s and Gag’ums did both when their gambling luck struck out forcing them to work. The Linz’s misbehaved shenanigans are growing on me more and more and I would have been sorry for them making the wrong choice but then their mistake only seemed to last for a moment so it wasn't necessary.
When the Weavers chose to gamble I hoped beyond all hopes that 21 remained elusive for them for forever. I’m happy for them that a trip on a TV show can get them over their grief but now they’ve played their final card with it and there’s no excuse for their constantly making me feel uncomfortable with all their public praying. If you think about it it’s actually very rude.
As for the Fattis and Moanies and the fact that they were consistently ahead of everyone after Fattis papercut her son – it all sucked - whenever they’re on I don’t bother listening any more. Out of them though I have decided that the real victim in it all is the father.
More interesting were the Godlewski’s who suddenly looked different - from the vibey Bransen girls espesh. The sister who couldn’t stop crying was excellently guffaw worthy and my best was when she said she needed Validation.
Despite their troubles they managed to do fine finishing in jazzy New Orleans fourth just behind the Linz’s in third and the Paolo’s in second. The Bransens, who’s dad’s really upped his dead weight, seemed to cruise into first easily and were obviously busy flirting and sipping refreshments with the Linz's when the back battle between the Gaghans and Schroeders happened.
The way it was put together was sneaky– with the Schroeders knowing New Orleans the way they did I thought they were gonna do it but then Cher Shroeder slipped and it slowly sank in that they could be doomed and that everyone should have listened to Sassy when she bawled that a second could make all the difference.
I know I’m gonna be iffy without them next week so I’m gonna have to spend the time in between trying to decide on another fave. From the looks of things the Godlewski’s are gonna chaotically strike out with baseball so the only other possibilites are the Linz’s or maaybe the Bransens.
RIP sweet Schroeders.