When I last spoke of our tiger-terrorised Salemites, Tony had just been mauled by Horton. Much has happened since then, relatively speaking for Days at least. Tony survived the tiger attack and was taken to hospital where Lexie had a rare moment of medical competence and declared he would survive.
That is until the killer snuck into his room and administered poison into his IV. The camera panned up from a pair of gnarled, 400 year-old hands up to reveal the smooth 50 year-old plastic surgeried mug of a beloved character.
Yes, the Salem Stalker is Marlena Evans. Respected psychiatrist, loving mother, frequent kidnap victim, former vessel of Satan and now a multiple murderer. Who would have guessed?
As the drugs reached Tony’s heart, he tried to reveal the killer by pointing to Marlena. But the people in his room, fools that they are, did not get what he was trying to say and poor Tony slipped away to Samurai heaven. Or possibly poker night with Cassie and Jack.
Before he picked up his chips for his supernatural gambling experience, he paid a visit to Celeste and did the usual “I’m going to warn you about the killer’s bloody plans but not actually tell you who the hell they are” thing that all the ghosts have done so far. Celeste finally got sick of her constant ghostly visitations and basically told them to go screw themselves because she didn’t want to get targeted by the killer.
But when the ghosts did not let up but instead sent Maggie, Roman and Abe to bug her, Celeste realised she was never going to be free of her persistent spirits unless she figured out once and for all who the killer was. She decided to go to Marlena for a hypnosis session. Oh no!
As Celeste was put under, Marlena walked around menacingly with a giant butcher’s knife in her hand. You see, since Marlena has been revealed as the killer, half her scenes seem to consist of her dressed in sombre black and wielding some sort of sharp object in a menacing fashion.
You’d think this would tip off the people around her that there’s something up with her, but we all know that if there was a braincell to spare in Salem, Marlena would have been caught several murders ago.
When John walked in upon Doc about to stab Celeste, he gasped in shock:
John: Doc, what are you doing with that giant butcher’s knife poised to sink it into Celeste’s head?
Marlena: Er…giving her a haircut?
John: I know exactly what’s going on here!
Marlena: [With a murderous glimpse in her eyes, she raises her knife to strike John]
John: You’re taking the butcher’s knife around with you for protection.
Marlena: [Drops knife to side] Yes, that’s it. You’re absolutely right, John. Now tell me, do you know how to get blood stains out of leather?
This became a regular thing. When it was revealed that Marlena had the same make of suit that the killer wore, John barely blinked an eyelid. Instead of checking his suit himself to make sure it wasn’t missing a button just like the one they found belonging to the killer, he took her word for it.
Let’s give the world’s greatest secret agent a hand.
Just as blind to the devilish doings of dear Doc is Belle. The tiny, blonde one has stumbled upon her mother in a number of compromising situations, all of which have caused Marlena to finger the knife she has hidden behind her back.
But horror of horrors, not even a madwoman who’s killed seven people, among them her ex-husband, can possibly find it in her heart to rid us of Belle forever. Instead of stabbing Belle viciously and repeatedly, every time Belle gets close to learning the truth about her mother, Marlena merely pats her face lovingly and has a flashback to Baby Belle.
Ye gods! Belle is so perfect and wonderful and sweet and amazing and loveable that a serial killer can not bring herself to snuff out her saintly aura. Ted Bundy couldn’t touch Belle without breaking down in tears at her goodly light.
The Virgin Belle ascends to HeavenMarlena is more than willing to kill Belle’s boyfriend however. In an event as rare as Halley’s Comet passing by the earth, Shawn’s two braincells flickered to life and he actually registered enough brain activity to figure out that Marlena was the killer.
Belle reacted to Shawn’s suspicions as if he’d told her that, well, her mother was a serial killer. “My mom would never do such a thing, Shawn!” she cried. She was soon joined by John who coldly told Shawn what a wonderful person Marlena was and how she would never do such a thing.
I suggest to fellow viewers to try this every time someone talks about what an all-around super person Marlena is. Add the words “except for that time she was possessed by the devil” at the end of it. Try it, it’s fun.
In fact, Belle was so incensed by Shawn’s accusations, she broke up with him. Oh noes! And they’d just made such a deep commitment to each other too. They’d gotten engaged to be engaged to be engaged to be engaged.
Shawn has decided not to tell anyone else about his suspicions because, like I said, the brain activity was a one-time thing. Nevertheless, he is watching Marlena with suspicion and she is plotting to kill him.
She already snuck into his apartment and went stab-crazy on the occupied bed she thought Shawn was sleeping in. Yay! Turns out that Shawn was not in the bed. Aw. Instead it was Jan who got brutally stabbed. Yay again!
When Belle learned of Shawn’s near death, she was suitably horrified. When she learned that the cops had found strands of long, dark hair in his bed, she was even more horrified. “Oh Shawn, how could you?!” she squealed in anger, “You had a girl in your bed! You got tired of waiting for me and had sex with someone else, didn’t you?!”
Oh for god’s sake, you closet nympho, you were the one who initialised any sexual contact with Shawn who always cowered away and hid behind the purity ring. If Shawn had wanted sex, all he’d have to do to is go up to you and say “Hey, someone just died” and you’d pounce on him, all “Oh Shawn, that’s terrible, make love to me!” like some weasel in heat.
Jan, for her part, has been busy at many other things besides getting stabbed in the gut. She has been an integral part of Nicole’s “brilliant” plan to get rid of Victor while proving she’s not a serial killer. Well,
the serial killer at any rate since I’m pretty sure being responsible for two people’s deaths qualifies you to be a serial killer anyway.
Nicole decided to cuff herself to Brady as Jan did the dirty work. Brady acted like this was the worst thing ever and looked at Nicole like she was a three year-old jar of putrid mayonnaise. They were forced to take a shower together and Brady remained as uncomfortable and limp as a dead fish.
OK, Nicole? I know you really want Brady for yourself but if his completely cold behavior towards you, nudity and all, doesn’t convince you he’s gayer than Elton John, then I’m afraid you’re as delusional as Jan. And no-one deserves to be compared to Jan.
Meanwhile, Jan made her way into the Kiriakis house. Do they have no security there anymore? Or did Jan just get past them by boring them to sleep by going into yet another one of her never-ending monologues about Shawn? She snuck into Victor’s bathroom and prepared to hit him over the head with a vase as he bathed.
Instead of getting out of the bath or calling security or doing anything a sane, intelligent person might so, Victor taunted her about her stupid vase and how she would never get Shawn. This made Jan so angry that she pushed a radio into the bath, electrocuting poor Victor.
It sounds violent and painful but believe me, being in the same room as Jan is infinitely worse. She did him a mercy by killing him rather than talking his ear off about her love for Shawn.
Who should arrive from Europeland (where he had been looking for Billie behind the leaning tower of Eiffel) but Bo? Just in time to investigate his father’s death too. Bo immediately tried to arrest Nicole without even questioning her because who needs evidence when you have a cool, leather jacket.
When Brady pointed out Nicole had been handcuffed to her, Bo was forced to not arrest her but instead turned to threatening her about how she was going down big time for all the murders as well as trying to kill Shawn.
Bo: I hope you like the electric chair, Nicole, because that’s where you’re going. You’re going to pay for trying to kill Shawn.
Nicole: Jigga what? I don’t remember asking Jan to kill Shawn…I mean, I have never killed anyone ever. Seriously.
Bo: It’s so obvious you’re guilty of trying to kill my son tonight after Victor’s death.
Nicole: Hi, yeah? I was over here all night trying to get the safe open to burn all the evidence connecting me to Colin’s death…I mean, mourning my husband.
Bo: What a ridiculous lie! Even though you claim you were here the entire night, there’s a window of opportunity when Brady was trying to get the lights back on when you could have snuck out, driven to my son’s apartment, stabbed his bed and gotten back here in time. That window of opportunity may be as large as three whole minutes.
Nicole: You really are the most illogical man in Salem, aren’t you?
Bo: Logic??!! There’s a serial killer killing people to death murderously and you’re talking about logic?
Me: Translation – logic has no place in my Neanderthal brain so I’ll get all emotive and try and change the subject.
Bo: The noose is tightening, Nicole. Do you know what our lab techs just determined? That the murders had to have been committed b a person of average strength and above average height…just like you. HA! Explain away that, Nicole! No-one but you could possibly fit such a detailed description!
It seems nowadays that everyone is cottoning onto the identity of the killer but the cops. Doug had a dream in which the identity of the killer came to him. Ooh ooh, pop quiz. If you have figured out the identity of the Salem Stalker, do you:
a) Tell your girlfriend who happens to be the killer’s daughter and who subsequently tells her mother, but not the police
b) Tell an entire circus in a looooong drawn-out speech that allow enough time for a tiger to get you, but not tell the police
c) Plan to tell the police, but inform the killer exactly when and where you will be doing so
d) Go straight to the cops. Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars
The answer is of course d. Doug instead chose to do the following – tell Julie (but make her promise not to tell anyone, a promise which she immediately broke) and go to Celeste so he could convene with the spirit world.
Oh, Doug. You’re so dead. You’re deader than dead. You even got the Death card in Celeste’s deck which means you’re already wormfood. But the bright side? You will still have airtime.
Just look at Maggie. She’s had more airtime while dead than she ever did when she was alive. Besides appearing as a ghost to people, she has even appeared in a whole bunch of flashbacks with various Mickeys.
See, Mickey has been recast. First he turned into a doddering old cowboy, then he morphed into an undertaker. I’m hoping next week’s Mickey is a spaceman.
Bonnie has convinced the Mickey of Many Faces to reopen Tuscany’s (and turn it into a country-and-Western bar). Mickey obliged and a number of couples had their Valentine’s Day dinners there.
Shawn took Belle just before they broke up, John took Marlena and then wondered why she kept nicking all the knives and forks and sharpening them, and Philip took Kate to help her get over Roman’s death. Hey, Phil boy? If you want your mother to forget all about the tragic death of her husband, you might want to try
not taking her to dinner at the place he was murdered!
Sami and Lucas were not having a romantic dinner naturally because they hate each other. Or love each other. I can’t tell anymore because they vacillate between insulting each other and making out every five minutes. They have the memories of goldfish. I feel like every scene of theirs’ involves a confession of how they secretly have feelings for each other followed by a denial they ever said such a thing mere seconds later.
On a camping trip with Will, they did this several times before Sami fell into a pit and was attacked by Horton. Yes, Horton the escaped tiger which has now acquired a taste for human flesh is still on the loose in Salem. Run free, beautiful animal! And eat some annoying Salemites while you’re at it.
Sami knocked her head trying to escape the ravenous tiger and got a mild case of amnesia-de-contrivance where she “remembered” being married to Lucas. OK, the knock on the head explains that amnesia, what’s the excuse for the other 2000 times she’s forgotten how she feels about Lucas at any given moment?
Finally, there is Jen who’s been so nice this year that Santa gave her a late present of a genuine Jack flashback. But Jen was so shocked that the writers dropped one in there that she ran over some guy with her car.
He is Patrick Lockhart, Bonnie’s son, and he has sustained injuries so great that he is no longer able to wear a shirt without experiencing great pain. In her guilt, Jen has decided to take this shirtless stranger into her home. But Patrick is not all he appears to be. He claims to have met Jack at a NASCAR rally (great cover story, Patrick. Not.) and Jen believes him despite the many inconsistencies in his story.
Oh Jen, I know that his pecs may have looked very trustworthy but next time you feel guilty about running over some guy, just rent him a room at the Holiday Inn.