This edition of Days Soap Dish comes with very special bonus material in the form of excerpts from the Days Musical, the soon-to-be Hit Broadway play. In an homage to Marlena the stalker, the songs of Queen have been viciously mutilated and adapted for Salem. Enjoy.Very strange things have been happening lately in Salem. No, I’m not talking about Celeste’s visions and communion with the dark forces, nor am I talking about the possibility that Marlena may once more be serving as a human Geocities to the devil.
No, I am talking about the fact that somehow the Salem PD managed to not only work out who the killer was, but capture her as well. I know, I know. I’m just as shocked as you are.
One Thomas Edward Kramer is partly to thank for this as he decided he was going to put the TEK into “Detective”. Yes, I know that detective doesn’t have a ‘k’. Yes, I know the joke doesn’t work very well. Shut up.
The other person responsible for Marlena’s capture is Doug. He sacrificed his life in order to leave a vital clue that would eventually lead to Marlena’s downfall. Never mind that he needn’t have sacrificed anything had he gone straight to the police when he first figured it out.
Doug confronted Marlena in a shadowy graveyard beset by a peculiar localised fog. Since the rest of Salem was fog-free, I can only assume it was methane that had seeped out from a burst sewage pipe near the cemetery.
Instead of running as fast as his legs could take him, Doug had a chat with Marlena wherein he tried to convince her to give up this killing business and talk about her deepset psychotic issues over tea. Marlena refused and chased him around with her knife. Before she stabbed Doug in the neck, he managed to scribble out her name on a scrap of paper using his own blood.
Another One Bites The Dust:Doc walks warily down the streetWith her brim pulled way down lowAin't no sound but the sound of her feetA killer’s gun ready to goAre you ready hey are you ready for this?Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?Out of the doorway the bullets ripTo the sound of the beat yeahAnother one bites the dustAnother one bites the dustAnd another one gone and another one goneAnother one bites the dustHey I'm gonna get you tooAnother one bites the dustHow do you think I'm going to get awayWithout you capturing meYou took me for a do-good docAnd let me roam freelyAre you happy are you satisfied?How long can you stand the heatOut of the doorway the bullets ripTo the sound of the beat, look outAnother one bites the dustAnother one bites the dustAnd another one gone and another one goneAnother one bites the dustHey I'm gonna get you tooAnother one bites the dustHeyOh take it - Bite the dust bite the dustHey Another one bites the dustAnother one bites the dust owAnother one bites the dust he heAnother one bites the dust haaaaOoh shoot outThere are plenty of ways that you can hurt a manAnd bring him to the groundYou can nab himYou can jab himYou can stab him bad and leave himWhen he's downBut I'm ready yes I'm ready for youI'm standing on my own two feetOut of the doorway the bullets ripRepeating to the sound of the beatAnother one bites the dustAnother one bites the dustAnd another one gone and another one goneAnother one bites the dust yeahHey I'm gonna get you tooAnother one bites the dustShoot outThe cops arrived just a smidge too late to save poor Doug but John did manage to catch a glimpse of the killer’s retreating figure. He followed her into a crypt where he fell into a random pit trap and almost got killed when the walls closed in on him. With these deadly pit traps all over the place, I can only assume that that’s where they hid the Ark of the Covenant after Indy brought it back from the Nazis.
Marlena had escaped but she had more problems. She was almost discovered when Celeste called upon the dark forces to enter her and they engaged in a titanic battle of wills. Marlena is not just a serial killer, she’s also got one hell of a psychic constitution because she managed to defeat Celeste and knock her unconscious.
Then there were Celeste’s ghostly visitations. As soon as Doug snuffed it, he visited her in a confessional booth and tied to tell her who had killed him. God gave the booth a disapproving shake to warn the two of them that saving countless innocent lives was against His divine will. Even Heaven has to deal with red tape.
But God’s not just a prissy stickler for the rules; he’s also apparently a sadist who hates little old grannies. Alice Horton was the one to find Doug’s clue, something which Marlena quickly learned by hacking into the police feed of the graveyard cameras and watching her. When did Marlena become an l33t haxxor anyway? Just because she can hack flesh and bones with great skill doesn’t mean she should be able to hack computers.
When Celeste’s visions showed her that Alice was the next target, she ran out to save our favourite doughnut-dealing dame. God threw a bolt of lightning at her. Oh come on, GOD, that is so NOT COOL! It’s not like the ghosts told her who the killer was, she managed to figure it out on her own. What do you have against poor Grams anyway, to let her get hacked to pieces by Marloony? And why couldn’t you have struck Belle, who was stupid enough to have a long bath in the middle of a lightning storm?
Tom’s Floating Head Of Portent appeared to Alice and warned her that danger was coming. Poor Alice was already freaked out because her rotten grandchildren had left Doug’s open coffin in the middle of her living room. Way to think of your grams, you ungrateful shits.
Marlena appeared at the doorway, knife at the ready. Alice did not immediately call the cops/911/ National Guard as she should have, but she’s a forgetful old lady so we’ll give her a break. To her credit, she did stuff her bed full of pillows as a decoy.
As Marlena went stab-crazy on the pillows, she hid in the closet. Marlena came after her but was temporarily driven away by the ghosts of her victims as well as Tom’s Floating Head With A Voice Suspiciously Different From Macdonald Carey’s.
Alice had time to phone John but it was not long before Marlena was once again on the prowl and found her hiding in the pantry. Then came Marlena’s most twisted and sadistic act: she forcefed Alice doughnuts until the sugary goodness killed her.
Sickening stuff! And I’m not just talking about Marlena here. I’m talking about the writers killing off their cornerstone character in such a tasteless and ridiculous manner. What kind of sickos came up with this Death by Doughnuts for our beloved Alice?
Don’t Stop Me NowTonight I'm gonna have myself a real good timeI feel alive and the town vulnerable and weak, yeah!And floating around in idiocySo don't stop me now don't stop me'Cause I'm having a good time having a good timeI'm in the circus tent shooting a tranq dartAt a tiger defying the laws of gravityAnd I’m trying to stop the beating hearts of any survivorsI'm gonna go go goThere's no stopping meI'm hacking through the town, yeah!All these fatalitiesThat's why they call me the queen of the nightI'm killing at the speed of lightI wanna make a filet mignon out of youDon't stop me now I'm having such a good timeI'm killing you all, don't stop me nowIf you wanna have a funeral just give me a callDon't stop me now ('cause I'm havin' a good time)Don't stop me now (yes I'm havin' a good time)I don't want to stop at allI stuff people I have just killedIn a piñata I am a psycho bitch, I'm out of controlI am a death machine ready to reloadSalem’s darling, I’ll make itOh oh oh oh oh implodeI'm hacking through the town, yeah!All these fatalitiesThat's why they call me the queen of the nightI'm killing at the speed of lightI wanna make a filet mignon out of youDon't stop me don't stop meDon't stop me hey hey hey!Don't stop me don't stop me ooh ooh ooh (I like it)Don't stop me don't stop meHave a good time good timeDon't stop me don't stop me AhI'm hacking through the town, yeah!All these fatalitiesThat's why they call me the queen of the nightI'm killing at the speed of lightI wanna make a filet mignon out of youDon't stop me now I'm having such a good timeI'm killing you all, don't stop me nowIf you wanna have a funeral, just give me a callDon't stop me now ('cause I'm havin' a good time)Don't stop me now (yes I'm havin' a good time)I don't want to stop at allJohn could not save Alice in time because he was too busy crashing into Sami’s car. Or rather, some screaming banshee who has possessed Sami and will hopefully be driven off sometime soon. I can hardly deal with Sami’s shrieks of “My mom did not kill anybody! John did!” any longer.
Convinced he was on his way to kill Marlena, Sami drew a gun. John tried to reason with the banshee but she was having none of it and shot at John’s heart. And here’s where the show somehow managed to plumb the depths of unbelievable crap because John managed to dodge the deadly projectile in slo-mo bullet time.
So John is *bleep!* NEO now? Is Salem the Matrix? Is this why this show never makes any damn sense? Is there a glitch in the Matrix? Does this make Celeste the Oracle? Will John end up fighting Marlena as a whole bunch of John Smith clones? Are Alice’s doughnuts the red pill or the blue pill? Can Belle get skewered at the end of it? Has this show finally broken my brain?
The Show Must Go OnAwful writing - what are we waiting forSomething exciting - I guess we know the scoreOn and onDoes anybody know what we are looking forAnother veteran, another mindless killBehind the credits, who writes this awful swillHold the lineDoes anybody want to take it anymoreThe show must go onThe show must go onOoh inside my brain is achingMy make-up may be flakingBut my smile still stays onWhatever happens I'll leave it all to chanceAnother stalled plot, another stale romanceOn and onDoes anybody know what we are acting forI guess I'm learningHow bad a show can beBut hey I’m earning, I need to make moneyOutside the dawn is breakingBut inside in the dark I'm aching to be freeThe show must go onThe show must go on – yeahMy character might be dyingThe writing may be tryingBut my smile still stays onYeah oh oh ohMy role has got much depth as wings of butterfliesThe same old plots of yesterday repeat but never dieI just cry - my friendsThe show must go on - yeahThe show must go onI'll face it with a grinI'm never giving inOn with the showI'll top the billI'll overkillI have to find the will to carry onOn with theOn with the showThe show must go onSigh. Anyway, Neo did some Matrix-fu on Sami and handcuffed her to the steering wheel. He raced off to Alice’s but was too late. He raced back to the penthouse to try and catch Marlena before she could
destroy Zion kill any more innocents.
Lucas and Kate found Sami and freed her and she too rushed off to the penthouse. On the balcony, Marlena and John struggled. Marlena lost her balance and fell backwards. “NOOOOOO!!” Sami screamed as Marlena cartoonishly fell 738 stories towards her. Lucas bravely dived at Sami and pushed her out of the way. Unfortunately for her, Marlena bounced off of a canopy and landed on her anyway.
Here is a clip of the hysterical event, complete with music I thought would be appropriate. If it doesn't show up right away, just click on fullsize and it should appearEven after having her mother fall on her, Sami continued to scream accusations at John. You’d think she would shut up while lying bloody and broken but no. Marlena was taken to hospital and when she awoke, she was supposedly suffering from selective amnesia. Tell it to the judge, Marlena.
Convinced his wife was innocent of the crime, John tracked down Marlena’s lookalike Hattie and brought her forcefully to Salem. The Salemites questioned her outside of Marlena’s hospital room and Hattie was forced to defend herself, all the while gorging herself on bits of hospital plaster and furniture. She revealed she had an airtight alibi for the murders.
Whoops, so much for that theory, John. What next crazy idea are you going to come up with to try clear Marlaniac’s name? Dig up her twin Samantha’s rotting corpse, perhaps?
Killer QueenShe keeps scalpels and knives in her pretty, stylish purse'Let them eat poison' she saysTime for another hearseA built in remedy for those damn nosy BradysAnd anytime an invitation you can’t declineCourts and criminology, well versed in psychologyExtr'ordinarily niceShe's a killer queen, gunpowder gelatineSo polite but actually meanGuaranteed to blow your brains outRecommended at the priceInsatiable an appetite, wanna die?To avoid complicationsShe never keeps the same MOIn murdering her victims, her weapons are always aproposMet a man called Roman, stuck blades in his abdomenThen again incidentally if you're that way inclined (she's a killer queen)Young Belle naturally went to Paris (naturally)About Sami she couldn't care lessFastidious and preciseShe's a killer queen, gunpowder gelatineSo polite but actually meanGuaranteed to blow your brains outDrop of a hat she's as willing as a playful as a pussy catThen momentarily conscience-boundTemporarily out of gasTo absolutely make you dead - deadShe's out to get youShe's a killer queen, gunpowder gelatineSo polite but actually meanGuaranteed to blow your brains outRecommended at the priceInsatiable an appetite, wanna die?Wanna dieBut all of this is unimportant. Let us now turn to the thing everyone really cares about. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about Belle and Shawn’s relationship. Shawn’s beloved great grandmother just died and his girlfriend’s mother was the one lying in hospital accused of the murder. So naturally, he decided this was the perfect time to propose to Belle.
I’m not really sure what it is about the Salem teens that makes them so eager to marry. Rex and Mimi also thought now would be a great time to tie the knot. Rex lamented that he couldn’t afford to buy Mimi an engagement ring (hey, Rex? You’re supposed to be a freakin’ GENIUS who graduated college early, remember? Use that fabled genius ability of yours and get a job in IT or something) and was forced to give her the Brady woolen ring of shame and cheapness.
Bonnie refused to let her little girl marry someone poor but this didn’t stop her from checking out the Rex pecs and having bizarre fantasies of him square-dancing. She did give him a job as a bartender. Way to put that giant brain to work there, Rex.
Back to BS. Belle accepted but she had just a teensy-weensy secret. She had kinda lied to him about Marlena being an alibi the night Doug was murdered, tee hee. Shawn exploded, blaming her lie for his grandmother’s death, and vowed to leave Salem. Hooray! Finally, some good comes out of these awful murders.
But there was someone watching from the shadows who wasn’t going to let him go anywhere. Yes, it was New and Improved Crazy Jan, now with 100% less sulky mumbling and 100% more nutty fun.
It seems the denizens of hell rose up to take Wretched Jan back to whence she came and in return left us with a Jan who doesn’t induce internal bleeding just by being on the screen.
Crazy Jan blackmailed Nicole into helping her get Shawn and the two of them built a cage of love for him to stay in while Jan worked her charm. Once, it would have been an oxymoron to put charm and Jan in the same sentence but now, no more. Wonderful.
Anyway, Jan dressed up as a little old granny by donning a giant veil, and pretended to be one of Alice’s little old granny friends to Shawn. Despite the fact that she looked like a cross between the Grim Reaper and a beekeeper, never revealed her name, and said nice things about “that sweet girl, Jan, that Alice loved so much”, Shawn-Duh was not the least bit suspicious. This boy doesn’t just need to be locked in a cage, he needs to be locked up in an institution for the mentally deficient.
As for Belle; she’s as insufferable as always. I pass out whenever she’s onscreen (or when others inexplicably can’t stop talking about her as when Bo and Hope were lying in bed after sex and had a convo about her), but I do believe she’s currently muttering about Shawn’s forgiveness 24/7 as Philip watches on, little hearts dancing around his blockhead.
Bohemian RhapsodyIs this the real lifeIs this just fantasyCaught in mass murdersNo escape from realityOpen your eyesLook up to the skies and seeI'm just a poor Belle, I need your sympathyBecause I'm really dumb, really D’oh,Little saint, little ho,Anyway the deaths go doesn't really matter to me,To meMama didn’t kill a man,Who put these thoughts in your head,Mommy’d never hurt the dead,Mama, she is innocentOh Shawn I hate you now, just go away Mama ooo,That mean Shawn made me cry But we’ll be back together this time tomorrowCarry on, carry on, me and Shawn is all that mattersToo late, Shawn’s back in my lifeSends shivers down my spineI’m so horny all the time,Goodbye everybody, I've got to goGotta nag Shawn till he stops telling the truthMama ooo (any way the deaths go)I don't want to die,I sometimes wish I'd never waited for sex at allI see a little silhouetto of a man,Oh Shawn D, Oh Shawn D, will you touch my lady mangoFeel my body tightening, very very frightening meGolden cherry, Golden cherry,Golden cherry Golden cherryGolden cherry Figaro, MagnificoBut I'm just a poor girl, please Shawny love meHe's just a poor boy from a poor familySpare him his life from Belle’s virginityEasy come easy go, will you let me goBelle’s moaning! No, I will not let you goLet him goBelle’s moaning! I will not let you goLet him goBelle’s moaning! I will not let you goLet me goWill not let you goLet me goWill not let you goLet me goNo, no, no, no, no, no, noMama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me goBelle-zebub has a purity ring aside for me, for me, for me-So you think you can bone me whenever someone diesSo you think you my grams’ dying aint cos of your liesOh babyCan't do this to me babyJust gotta get out, just gotta get right outta hereNothing really matters,Anyone can see,Nothing really matters, only Rexy really matters to me,Any way the deaths go....Finally there is Jen whose larva has been giving her a helluva time. It likes to kick her so the good news is that it won’t be completely limbless but will at the very least have one leg. The bad news is that it’s still a Very Bad Pregnancy according to acclaimed neonatal nitwit Lexie Carver and recently landed her in hospital.
Lexie informed her that there was nothing she could do to save the pregnancy and she would have to abort the larva at once. But all was not lost. Captain Pat Sparrow, whose wound has healed enough for the occasional shirt, waved his magic pirate doubloon over Jen’s belly and all was well.
“It’s a miracle,” Lexie exclaimed afterwards as she looked at the ultrasounds and found that the larva was saved. It’s no miracle, you hack, it’s a misdiagnosis. Jen probably had some really bad gas and you diagnosed it as the dreaded Womb-rot.
But Patrick is not quite what he appears to be (unless what he appears to be is a useless character or pointless himbo, in which case he’s exactly what he appears to be). He has a Mysterious Contact who’s reminding him to stick to the mission regarding Jen.
Whatever could it be? Perhaps Patrick is working for a shadowy government organisation interested in Jen’s Alien baby. Or maybe he’s just working for the DiMeras as every evildoer/grey character on this show always is.