Like that was so not cool, women of Casaya. I was like on your side and you just sorta flung me away, man. That’s just cold, man. Whatever happened to like sisterhood and femaleism and all that? The great Mother Goddess would not approve, dudes.
So like do you wanna know what happened in the episode? Yeah, OK. It started with Aras like talking about his crabs. You should really get some cream for that. Terry was all “I need to get people on my side”.
But that’ like boring compared to what Shane was doing. He was on his Blackberry except it wasn’t really a Blackberry cuz there aren’t electronics stores on the island. It was like a piece of that wooden stuff you use for fire-making. What do you call that again? Oh right, wood. That’s it.
Shane talked about how he used the Blackberry to talk to people he loves like his son, business partner, dealer and so on. He says it like helps him keep sane. I hope he still has the warranty on that thing.
I don’t get that. Why would you want to talk to a piece of wood as if it can hear you? A dead turtle, sure, because then you’re like having a commune with the universe through the circle of life. Anyway, if you were going to pretend a piece of wood was an electronic device from home, wouldn’t an Ipod be a better choice?
The challenge had the contestants all tied together in two teams and doing an obstacle course. Terry, Danielle and me were up against Aras, Cirie and Shane. Cirie’s team kept getting tied up in knots and she kept sorta dragging them back. I don’t wanna say it’s because she’s like fat because I don’t judge people based on the physical but on their like auras and Cirie’s aura is a really nice sunflower yellow that I like. Like I like it a lot.
No-one could have predicted that the conga line would go so horribly wrongWhere was I, man? Oh yeah. My team like totally smoked the challenge and won a barbecue. Aras was sent off to Exile Island which has a skull on it. That’s totally a symbol of aloneness like how you are on the island. Deep, hey?
Then the three of us had to compete for a car called a Yukon which is like Native American for prosperity. I kinda wish the reward had been something environmentally conscientious like a bike or a kayak or something, you know, something that doesn’t hurt Mother Nature.
We shot slingshots at plates and Terry broke all his first. He was really happy to win the car that he gave a thumbs-up that would’ve gotten his ass kicked in the army or navy or whatever armed forces thing he’s in. The military aint my thing, man. Make love not war. Unless it’s with Shane, because then I’d like to make both if you know what I mean.
With his Blue Steel perfected, Terry knew he was going to have no problem scamming on chicks with his new car.While we were on the reward, Terry told us he could take Danielle and me to the final three. I thought this was a real good idea because everyone hates me for some reason, like, why the negative vibes, man? But Danielle didn’t like it so much because she thought he was sure to take me to the final two.
So she asked Terry if he was like going to take me to the final two and he was all shifty and “I don’t know, look over there, a coconut” instead of answering properly. He said it would be fair if the final two best athletes went through at the end of it. That pissed me off because like why is it fair that the two physically strongest go through? That like totally favours Terry anyway. Why can’t it be like the two people who dance the best or who have the coolest hair?
When Danielle told me this, I was really annoyed because what she was really saying was that I was just cruising through the game without doing any work, man. That hurt me. I do plenty – Cirie thought my fire-dancing was way cooler than Terry’s American flag. And like, what has Danielle done anyway? She’s so lazy, she can’t even find the energy to shave her armpits.
I just hate the implication that I got a free ride because I totally didn’t. Except for how Terry drove us to the barbecue which was sorta a free ride but that doesn’t count because we were talking about metaphorical free rides, not the metaphysical kind.
Back at camp, Cirie wanted to go fishing. Shane waved her off as he surfed for porn on his Blackberry (it has web browser, ya know) and she took the fishing line to the ocean. Cirie must have a spiritual connection with the bountiful ocean because she caught a fish, which is ironical because the fish is the Hindu symbol for patience and Cirie needed to be patient to like catch the fish and wait for it to bite.
She squealed a lot because she’s not as in tune with nature as me but her fish-catching is still totally awesome. If you think about it, fish are kinda creepy with their like eyes and open mouths so can you really blame her? They’re not as bad as leaves but they’re up there.
Shane was really supportive and happy for her which is cool and all, but how come he never looks at me like that? Once I tried to give him a fish I’d caught but he called me stupid and pointed out it was a piece of seaweed, which like I knew but seaweed is from the sea so it totally counts as a fish, duh. Seaweed is a child of Neptune, same as anything else wet.
When I got back to camp, I told Cirie about how Terry had offered us final four which was really nice of him. She gave me one of her “Whatchoo talking ‘bout, fool?” looks and said how it would be dumb for me to join up with him because I was giving him all my power for no reason. It’s not true though because I made the decision on my own and not because I’m easily intimidated like that stupid challenge said. Or maybe I am – depends on who’s telling me what to do today.
She even did a Terry impersonation which was okay but not really that good because she didn’t talk about her long career in aviation or how she was going to kick all our asses, with a cocky smile. She gave me a lot to think about. It hurt.
On the beaches of Panama, it is not uncommon to see lines of poor beggars asking for hand-outs to buy beans and coconut liquorThe challenge was this thing where you had to kneel on a platform and hold up a percentage of your weight on a rope and you let go, the weights would fall on like a switch thing that would chop another rope and shoot a cannon and lift up some cheese or something until you fell in the water. Like that game Mousetrap. Or sorta like a spy movie where like Bruce Willis is captured by Nazi terrorists and they put him in some overly complicated trap instead of just shooting him in the head, that like if he moves too much, a switch releases and he falls into a pit of sharks or something like that. Except our version didn’t have sharks. Or Nazis.
I was so awesome at this challenge. I got into a meditative state and focused on balancing my chakras rather than the pain in my arms or the sight of Danielle’s pit hair. I got as far as going head to head against Terry but my head lost. I wasn’t worried though because I totally knew I was safe. Me and Terry and Danielle and Cirie were going to vote for Aras.
But I didn’t know at the time that Cirie was like gunning for me because she saw me as the biggest threat because of how incredibly annoying I am. Cool, right? That people see me as a big threat? A free ride my ass.
Cirie talked to Danielle and tried to convince her to vote for me instead of Aras. And you know, she totally did in the end! Can I have like a recount of those votes for who’s the most easily intimidated on the tribe?
Then came the worst Tribal ever! It didn’t seem so bad when I got there. Bruce was back! And he was pooping and everything! Not right then and there obviously because that would be gross, ya know? Austin had shaved and Sally looked like kinda a Playboy Playmate from the neck up (which is like cool and all because womyn should celebrate their female aspect and like worship Gaia).
Shane started talking about eating people which made me really uncomfortable. I mean, we still have beans and rice so I don’t think we need to eat each other yet. I’m really stringy so if we do decide to eat each other, I don’t think I’d make very good protein anyway.
Then Jeff was asking about Terry and Aras and whether they saw each other as their biggest threats which like, hello, I was the one Cirie said was the biggest threat so I don’t know what Jeff’s talking about. Then everyone voted for me and Danielle and Aras.
Shane’s face looked kinda like my pet mongoose’s when it’s confused when he saw no-one else had voted with him for Danielle. I wanted to reach over and pat his arm all comforting but then Jeff said I had to go which really shocked me.
Her face says it all, doesn't it?But like, it’s fine. Yeah, I got voted out by my sisters by another Mister but I don’t dwell on shitty stuff like that. I did something that I can tick off of my “List of Really Cool Stuff to do” list (next up: bringing the joys of fire-dancing to the peoples of the Antarctic) and I made some great friends who sorta hate my guts but otherwise are rad people.
So like take my advice, people. Follow your dreams and chase your bliss, you guys. Peace out.