The ending was bound to be a disappointment as soon as Cirie couldn’t get her flame burning well. Cirie was the only person in the final four who I could’ve enjoyed seeing win but alas, ‘twas not to be.
So Aras wins. Whoopedy doopedy do. I can’t really muster up any emotion beyond boredom. I didn’t like him much but I can’t even churn up some righteous indignation at his victory.
When we last left our fatuous foursome, Danielle and Cirie were about to engage in a firemaking tiebreaker. Cirie had sheer awesomeness and last week’s editing arc working for her while Danielle’s advantage lay in the fact that she’s already a flaming idiot.
For a while during the challenge, it looked like Cirie was going to smoke Danielle (excuse the pun) but unfortunately she couldn’t keep it going long enough. Just as Danielle managed a spark of fire, she also showed a rare spark of intelligence and stacked up the wood in such a way as to keep her flame burning.
Danielle’s flame burned through the rope and our dear Cirie was finally brought down. How could this be? How could the island maestro be beaten by a measly little flame? How could the one responsible for Cirie’s downfall be a toothy dimwit with more silicone than sense?
Cirie gave us some words of how proud she was of herself (and so she should be) and was gone. Come back, Cirie! How are we supposed to sit through two hours of Aras, Terry and Danielle without your inappropriate bouts of laughter to take the edge off?
Sigh. The final three returned back to camp where Terry released the hidden immunity idol into the wild. Run free, little idol! “It’s worth 5 cents now,” he said of his former furry friend. Not if you sell it on ebay, it isn’t. Come on, if people can pay good money for
Zayn’s pants, they’ll gladly buy a genuine Exile Island immunity idol smelling of Terry’s boxers.
Terry and Aras were no longer openly antagonistic of each other but instead manifested their rivalry in everyday camp activities like fishing, coconut-chopping and penis-waving.
Before they could extend their rivalry to measuring which of them could visit the Casa De Charmin the most times in one day, Jeff intervened with a surprise Reward Challenge. The winner would get a healthy meal to help them concentrate on the final Immunity Challenge.
The first part of the three part challenge had the contestants winding a peg through a maze. Danielle was stumped. The second part had them following coordinates to find the right set of pegs to move on. Danielle was stumped. The third part had them climbing a slope using the pegs they’d just found. This part did not stump Danielle but that’s only because she didn’t even that far.
Aras couldn’t get his pegs in the right holes (I was going to make some bad analogy here about him trying so hard to be a square peg in a round hole but I thought better of it) so Terry won instead. He said something about how Aras was the best competitor he could’ve faced. This still somehow managed to annoy me even if he wasn’t in competitive asshole mode.
The meal was protein-filled and not particularly big, no doubt to ensure the reward didn’t turn out to be a diuretic detriment instead. Aras was not worried about Terry’s win because he thought it might turn out to be a psychological disadvantage for him instead.
Er, how’s that work again, Aras? Apparently, winning the meal puts pressure to win on Terry because people would expect him to win. Or something. I don’t know, maybe Courtney left her stash behind and Aras was dipping that day.
Aras: "This is such an important moment, revisiting all our comrades."Danielle: "How did I get stuck with all these torches to carry? I need a nap."
Terry: "My torches are heavier than Aras' torches. What a weenie."Time for the march of the fallen comrades! Remember all those people who didn’t last until now? Probably not because the damn credits were shortened all season long. Tina was tough and cried. Melinda was like a failed Cirie prototype. Misty was hot and ate worms.
Ruth’s flashbacks showed her crazy zombie run which made me giggle. Bob Dawg was there to give smackdowns to people and managed to do so to Terry and some fish. According to Terry, Dan had it all. Except for melanin.
Nick…was there and then wasn’t. Terry thought he was well-mannered. Austin thinks it’s an honour just to get nominated. Cute lil Sally wore socks and couldn’t catch fish. Bruce draws pretty. Courtney is like following her dreams, man. Aras called Shane “ugly, beautiful” and said he’d be in his heart forever. Careful, Courtney will smack you down if you try to steal her man.
Cirie is love! She was master of all, whether it was pushing girls like ragdolls and sending them flying metres or playing everyone like an orchestra. Stupid fire.
With the survivors revisited, it was time to add to the pollution of the Panamanian islands by burning the skull on Exile Island. It would’ve been really bad had the surrounding foliage caught fire too. It didn’t luckily.
Next up was the IC. It was a balancing challenge where every fifteen minutes the survivors had to move forward onto a smaller floating lily pad without falling off. Advantage: Yoga Boy.
The castaways were forced to concentrate hard not to lose their balance but Danielle could not help but notice the fish swimming around just below her. “Even in the middle of a challenge, Danielle is thinking about food,” Jeff said as he looked around warily for a
ravenous Stephenie to suddenly emerge from the ocean.
When it came time to move to the third lily pad, Terry fell off and couldn’t get back on in time. How fitting that his downfall should be lack of balance since his whole gameplay has been focused on doing nothing but winning challenges and has been completely unbalanced because of it.
Aras took Danielle’s nod to mean she would take him to the final two (How? Did he read her aura?) and jumped off. Jeff placed the immunity necklace over her head and it stuck out jauntily over her ample bosoms.
"Thinking Is Hahd. Head all hurty."Danielle now had the dilemma of trying to decide between taking Terry or Aras with her to the final jury vote. At first I couldn’t help but wonder why on earth she’d consider taking Aras. Sure, I can’t stand his guts bit he’s so popular among the other Gitanans that it would be a walkover. Terry at least has people who hate his guts so it would be slightly less of a walkover.
The smart thing would’ve been to lose the challenge since Terry and Aras would likely have taken her to the final with them. That way, she would’ve at least not pissed off a further member of a jury already pretty pissed off with her in general. Actually, no, the smart thing would’ve been not to piss off all of Casaya but it was a little too late for that.
Looks like Danielle was screwed either way.
She tried to get advice on who to choose by asking Terry and Aras themselves why she should take them. Terry said that he’d be a weaker opponent than Aras because most of Casaya resented him for being an arrogant ass. He said that whatever choice she made, he wouldn’t “throw daggers at her” from the jury. Hee hee. Right. No daggers.
A ‘manipulalive” Aras merely threatened to vote against Danielle should she betray him and convince Cirie to do the same. What a malevolent bit of bastardry. I love it. I’ve always wondered why more people don’t use threats of non-votage to get people to do what they want.
Yep, Danielle was totally fucked.
The time came to make the decision. The newest jury member Cirie looked absolutely fab. Danielle said her brain was about to explode. Probably from overexertion. She voted for one “Terri”. Ooh, you vote him out and emasculate him. Bitchy. Over in the Terri fanclub, chairperson Austin and treasurer Sally held their heads in despair as they watched their idol leave the game.
“Not bad for a 46 year-old,” Terri informed us in his last words in case we had for a second forgotten that magic number. 46 year-old Terri pinpointed his big mistake in not taking the game into his own hands and letting other people decide his fate.
Er…that’s kind of the point, dude. You can’t control the game all on your own because it’s a social game so you have to work your best with people to ensure they do what’s in your interests. Your biggest mistake was losing the last immunity. And, ya know, being completely inept socially and strategically. Other than that, you were aces.
Still, 46 year-old Terri said he had learned some stuff about himself and hoped to change for the better. Yay, self-awareness! Personal growth!
Danielle claimed the next day to have followed her gut. That’s not always a good move. Guts fail a lot. Just ask Lex. Or Bruce for that matter. Aras repaid her with a peekaboo show and decided he’s walk around the rest of the day with his pants hanging off the bottom of his butt.
They found a celebratory breakfast waiting for them at camp. Danielle dove straight into the mimosas. You know what I would love to see? A final TC where the final two are drunk out of their minds. That would be entertainment.
"Hmm, I wondah if I can eat the spatula?"The two twits decided to go for a walk on wet, slippery, uneven rocks while holding glasses in their hands. Why not run over them with the machetes while you’re at it? Aras slipped and landed on his ass. I laughed until I realised he’s landed on his glass and had sustained nasty cuts on his hand and back. Then I fainted.
Dr Aussie of the Survivor medical team returned and patched Aras up good as new. Danielle and I watched between our fingers. No drugs were given. Pity. The only thing I’d like to see more than a final TC where the participants are drunk would be one where they’re zonked on morphine.
Aras claimed that the not-so-comic pratfall had blown his ego: “I came into a buffoon and I left this game a buffoon. In between I did some pretty awesome stuff though.” Really? They must’ve edited those bits out because I saw buffoon all the way.
Finally, the dreaded TC arrived. The jury looked stern, and even the Terri fanclub was stone-faced for once. Aras’ self-satisfied opening speech was full of *bleep!* about honesty (blindsided Shane and Courtney) and integrity (treated La Mina like *bleep!* when they arrived). He got to know people as friends, especially when he was hiding rice from them and getting them to work like dogs for him. Danielle ironically showed more honesty and integrity by acknowledging she’d had to lie and scheme to get where she was.
Cute lil Sally was first up, looking orange and very strange. She very nicely (would she do it any other way?) asked the final two who was most responsible for them sitting where they were. Both said Cirie which made her grin and me groan because it so should’ve been her sitting there answering these questions. You know she would’ve rocked at them too.
Bruce called them Samurai (real Samurai are turning in their graves at this) and said that if they were to win they would have massive responsibilities. He asked how would they use those responsibilities for good. Responsibilities? What, like…superheroes? Does the title of Sole Survivor come with a snazzy cape and tights now? Is the winner going to be put in charge of running one of Donald Trump’s companies?
Aras didn’t really have an answer to this bizarre question beyond using the money for himself. Danielle went Miss Panama and proclaimed her desire to teach young girls about the importance of good dental care and choosing the right plastic surgeon. I’m sad I’ll never get to see the wonder that would’ve been Danielle’s Finishing School for Polite Young Ladies.
46 year-old Terri brought with him a bag of very sharp daggers and immediately began flinging him. He said Danielle should’ve chosen the Navy guy to sit next to her and then chose to highlight how wonderful he was. He was all “Your comments about lying and deceiving being an integral part of the game are way off base. I never lied and deceived anyone because I’m AWESOME and you’re a BUTTHEAD who didn’t choose me”.
OK, Terri? First of all, you were in the minority and were always safe so you were never under much pressure to lie. Second of all, you totally broke your word and deceived people. Hi, Misty? Ruth Marie? Dan? Remember them? Especially Dan.
He said he believed the most important part of the game was the challenge part of it (way to once again miss the point completely) and asked how they’d rate their challenge performances.
What a dumb question. Literally one person who is a challenge monster has ever won, Terri. That was Tom, who owns your pale imitation ass by the way, and he also had some great strategy going for him. But whatever. Aras gave himself a nine and Danielle gave herself an eight and a half because she pigged out on burgers instead of competing one time.
Austin was also very nice and asked the finalists to name one good and bad move. Danielle’s good move was voting out Bob-Dawg instead of Bruce and her bad move was to vote out Courtney. Aras’ “good” move was to tell Melinda she was going home and his “bad” move was to vote out Shane.
Oy. How in the great turtle god’s name did this clueless flake ever get as far as he did? Why is Honest Aras richer by one million dollars when he can’t even grasp basic Survivor strategy? Why am I not writing a squeeing article full of caps and exclamation points describing how Cirie charmed the jury and won all seven votes?
Courtney was not in revenge mode because she’d dropped her guns into the sea of forgiveness. She babbled on about following one’s dreams and changing the world and releasing your inner flower and painting your mind with rainbows and dancing upon the lips of forever. Cirie was dying of laughter in the background. Shane was wide-eyed and puffy-cheeked. Even Sally couldn’t help but get this “Um, thanks for that, Deepak” expression.
"So like the earth has given us knowledge and we have spoken with the earth by living on the island..."
"At least now I can laugh at this crazy heifer without worrying about lost jury votes."
"If I laugh at her, do you think she'd still give me her vote?"
"Please don't start with the turtle stuff again. Anything but the turtle."
"And like we are all Gaia's children. She wants us to like not hate people. So I've forgiven you all and will put away the finger guns of hatred in like a holster of peace. Embrace love, man. It's ike really cool."
"They do not pay me enough to sit through this *bleep!*."
Courtney’s question was to say what they’d learned. Courtney learned to be careful making friends with white girls who wear dreads and wear tie-dye. Aras learned the importance of a good hair-care regimen even when stranded on an island.
The robbed Cirie stepped up and asked the old tried and tested “Why should the person next to you get my vote?”
Danielle: Why shouldn’t he? Oh man, Aras is a great leadah, a hard workah, an amazing competitah, one helluva fishahman and an all round nice guy. I could never have gotten to where I am now without him. Your turn to gush about me, Aras.
Aras: Danielle was so great when I cut my hand. She brought me a towel.
Danielle: Aw crahp.
Shane claimed that neither of them deserved to be there and that Terry should be there instead. He thought Danielle was useless and that Aras was a no good skeezy traitor who stabbed him in the back. He would also be the president of everything if good intentions ruled the world. He said they both sucked and promised the cash to whoever picked the right number between one and a million.
Oh yeah, and Aras is a homeless bum who still lives with his father. Geez, and this is him with his nicotine fix? I suppose he does seem a little saner than usual.
Time for closing speeches. Danielle, who had been doing so well up to now, contradicted her earlier statements by claiming honesty and integrity. Apparently she’d chosen people she trusted and stuck with them. Except for when she didn’t. Aras said he didn’t really betray Shane so that shouldn’t count against his integrity score.
I think Danielle answered the questions way better than Aras but since when have good answers mattered more than good old fashioned groveling and/or moralistic grandstanding?
Bruce liked her world peace answer so much that he voted for her. Terri think strength good so Terri vote Aras. Jeff took the rest of the unseen votes and headed off to America. The perilous journey through the jungle and across the sea was not shown, sadly.
Back in the US, Danielle was an anomaly in that she looked better made up than she did on the island. Aras was the complete opposite and had an unfortunate bloat going on. Danielle got two of the votes (including Shane’s, surprisingly enough) and Aras got the rest. So Bloaty won and the hairgel manufacturers of the world rejoiced.
Blah blah congrats to Aras, Cirie so should’ve won. Otherwise, excellent season. Having seen it in action, I’m note so sure of Exile Island and the hidden immunity idol working so well, but the casting was very good. They were nuts. I loved it.