What has happened to the reunion shows? They used to be full of barely disguised resentment and veiled bitchiness. The last few seasons’ reunions have been about as drama-filled as bible camp with the survivors barely restraining themselves from swapping friendship bracelets and breaking out into a chorus of kumbaya.
Even Jeff got in on the act, sharing his words of wisdom like “Cirie is inspiring” and “pay your taxes so you don’t end like the fat, naked guy getting shanked in OZ, fools”. The last part may have been implied.
"This Macarena thing is harder than it looks."As always, I’m going to go on and on about how they looked because I’m shallow like that. First up, the winners. Aras looked bloated so he’s obviously getting fed well mooching off his dad. Hopefully now he’ll be able to afford his own place. And some Slimfast.
You'd think a Yoga teacher would so some actual yoga to debloat before the big day.His big topic was not how his strategy played out during the game nor was it his relationships with the jury members and how that had led him to victory. No, Aras got to tell us all about his hair and how he got it standing up like that on the island. Fascinating.
Danielle on the other hand was wearing the frilliest shirt known to man and hair that had had tussled with a curling iron and lost. Still, the boob job was mercifully covered, and she looked a lot better than she did on the island, so I’d chalk up a victory for the hair and make-up people.
See? She doesn't look half bad when her mouth's closed.The loss left her with an unfortunate case of bitchface so she spent the whole reunion looking miserable. And why wouldn’t she? Jeff polled the jury to see whether she would’ve won against Terry and found that she would also only have gotten two votes from Bruce and Cirie.
But dude, cheer up. Sure, everyone hated you and you didn’t win the main prize but you got yourself 100 00 big ones. Would it be mean of me to suggest the first thing she buys with the money is some dental work?
I know, I know. I’m being a cow. Let me throw my pokey spears of bitchery into the still swamp of serenity. Let us now turn to Terry whose handsome features were showcased in a neon pink shirt. He is going to get so much *bleep!* for that back at the base.
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard."The audience gave Terry a whole lot of applause which he ate up. He talked about his rivalry with Aras and was fairly nice about everything. He’s far more tolerable when he’s out of competitive asshole mode. Everybody loved Terry but thankfully Jeff resisted the urge to hold America’s Tribal Council II.
Cirie looked like a million bucks which just happens to be the exact amount she should’ve won. Seriously, she looked so amazing. That’s another point for the Survivor hair and make-up team. I don’t know what’s going on. Did they get a raise? Did Revlon only send half its entire warehouse stock instead of all of it like they always do? Why are they making the women look good instead of deranged students from clown college?
I worship at the altar of Cirie's fabulosityThere were more cheers from the audience because Cirie is love. Her journey from leafophobe to Master of the Universe was shown and she went all Chicken Soup For The Soul on everyone with a nice speech about how she’d learn so much about herself and would never get stuck on the couch ever again. She gave a detailed description of this famous couch. It’s very comfy and even has pockets for snacks and the remote control.
Damn, I really, really want this couch now. Maybe they can put it up as a Survivor auction?
HB stood up and gave a heartfelt speech about how much he loved Cirie and how awesome she was. Aw, thanks, HB! We love you too. Terry gave her a fish statue to celebrate her newly-gained fishing skills. Aw, what a sweet gesture. Terry’s making me all mushy and forgiving of him. This fuzzy reunion is affecting me. If I start talking like Courtney, feel free to throw a fish at me.
There were more good vibrations to come in the form of Shane. Yes, you heard me. Shane. I am not sure why he decided to wear his old school uniform to the reunion but I’ll chalk it up to yet another sign of his arrested development. He also appeared to have kidnapped Aras’ hair.
He's so going to get detention for that hair.But here’s where Shane showed a shocking amount of maturity. He apologised to Danielle for the things he’d said about her and how he’d treated her in general. My mind is blown! Shane apologising for his behavious? Where’s the mad ranting? Where’s the dramatic hand gestures and crazy bug eyes? Who was responsible for giving Shane Prozac before the show and why haven’t they been fired yet?
Boston was revealed to be a million times more mature than his mad dad when Shane told the story about how Boston had turned to him after every episode and said how nuts he looked. There’s hope for him yet. The kid had gotten a haircut so he thankfully no longer looked like a girl.
"Yay, now kids at school won't pick on me up cuz of my wussy hair. My freakshow dad is the only reason they'll beat me up now."Shane gave his usual spiel about how much he loved his son. It was sweet even if we have heard the same thing a thousand times already. Apparently Boston’s mother is a bird. Or named Bird. With Shane, who can tell?
Bruce had shaved off the goatee he had going for a while at the TCs. He had been fired for going on the show. What the hell? They can’t do that to Bruce Miyagi, martial arts expert and overcomer of intestinal ailments! He got a new job since then because of his 34 years of experience, the most overused age-related phrase on the show next to “As a 46 year-old man”.
Bruce may or may not be still suffering from extreme constipation.Courtney’s hair was all curly but still looked like a fern. Even the surprisingly competent Survivor hair and make-up team couldn’t do a damn thing to improve it. She’s still a hippie in case you’re wondering.
"I'm wearing my hair like this to represent like the psyche of Survivor and how it's all twisted like a pretzel of fear. We have to like let go of the pretzel and eat of the watermelon of friendship."Despite being the first one out, Tina got a long bit where she talked about her late son. It was very, very sad. Jeff could barely resist the temptation to order the orchestra to play the violins. Poor Tina. Still, if anyone can get through a tragedy like that, Tina and her hair of formidableness can.
"I have Cirie's fish statue hidden in my hair. That'll teach her to vote me out."Austin looked more or less the same and gave a shoutout to some guy named Jesus. Sally, another hair and make-up success, tried to wring out more tears with her tale of parental alienation but we were all cried out after Tina.
"The reason I look so good? Jesus. It's all Jesus."
"The reason I look so good? I'm wearing my socks of hotness underneath this dress."The rest had brief cameo appearances that were so uninteresting, I can’t even remember what they said. Hell, I can’t even remember who they were.
"I'd change my expression but the Botox doesn't wear off for another couple of days."
So this is where the overzealous make-up artists went - they spent all their time working on Misty's lips.
"Was I even on the show?"
Nick and Bobby didn't even bother to show up so Mark Burnett just grabbed a couple of random guys out of the audience to pretend to be them.
Oh yeah, and Dan was in space, just in case you’d forgotten. He looked slightly less pale but still as skinny and zombie-ish as ever.
"
If I did that in space, YOU'D DIE."The best part came when the audience awarded Cirie a car. Yay! Sure, it’s not a million bucks but it’ll do. I vote she calls it the Ciriemobile and goes around the country solving mysteries in it. Or giving makeovers. I don’t care which, I’m not picky. As long as she gets her own show and Shane guest stars.
Jeff ended off with a promo for the next season, set in the Cook Islands and site of the Mutiny on the Bounty. What he did not mention was the racial tribal split but everyone reading this knows that by now, right?
Unfortunately, it is a long wait until we see this season, made even longer by The Amazing Race getting delayed by the Cricket World Cup. So until Survivor: Apartheid Island, Tribal Talk bids you all adieu and hope that your wait is as fun-filled and exciting as a trip through Shane’s pants.