This pretzel of a show has come up with the greatest twist of all, as well as the most unbelievable. I know it’s hard to believe that anything could be more unbelievable than well, everything for the past eight months, but it has succeeded.
Remember when Bobby Ewing woke up in the shower and realised that the past season of Dallas was all a dream? This latest twist is like that only without the artistic integrity.
Marlena is dead. Except she’s really not. Instead she is chilling on a desert island with all the people she killed.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Bad Girls: Salem StyleLet us return to Marlena, who was last seen falling on Sami and landing up in hospital. She was given truth serum and confessed to all the murders. The victims’ families were all conveniently in the room, all the better to attack her when their particular dead loved one was mentioned.
Marlena’s big motive for killing all those people? She did it for
Jodie Foster Roman Brady. It turns out she was still in love with Roman so…she decided to kill a whole lot of people, including him, as a fun Valentine’s Day surprise.
From there, she was sent to the slammer where she encountered a menacing group of female prisoners. No happy hookers for her, no. She had the meanest, surliest group of cellmates you ever did see outside of a bad prison flick.
Among them was Annie Douglas, former of Sunset Beach and last seen on Bold as Morgan, the Ridge-lover. Her latest identity was one Crystal Galore, a respected actor of the adult film industry and an old friend of Nicole’s. Worried that Marlena would rat her out as the Victor-killer, Nicole convinced Crystal to get rid of our favourite mass murderer.
Crystal collaborated with the stereotypical prisoners and the stereotypical warden to stab some poor woman in lock-up and frame Marlena. Even worse, they tried attacked Marlena but luckily she used her amazing kung-fu skills she’d learned at psych school to beat up her opponents. See, Tony? All those years you studied under your sensei were WORTHLESS. If only you’d taken a psychology course at university, you would have mastered the martial arts and been able to take on that tiger.
We Come In Peace, Shoot To KillCrystal’s next plan involved her pretending to be Marlena’s friend and help her escape. Crystal used her collagened charms to trick a guard into letting them go free. The security at that prison is even worse than that of the Kiriakis mansion. Perhaps someone should hire Jan Spears, esteemed love-cage manufacturer, to build them a prison from which no-one can escape.
Marlena and Crystal ran out onto the roof where Crystal knocked Marlena out (where are your martial arts skills now, Schmuck Norris?) and left her on the roof with a gun in her hand. Marlena woke up to find police helicopters circling and snipers aiming rifles at her. Instead of doing something sensible like dropping the gun, Marlena ran around the roof waving the weapon around and generally making a target of herself.
Inside, John was trying to get on the roof to save his beloved Doc. Bo was glowering at the foot of the stairs up to the roof and ordering his men to shoot to kill. Hope was standing there like some skeletal harbinger of doom. John managed to get past the stubborn Bo to get to the roof, but alas, before he could save her life, a trigger-happy marksman did what I’d been fantasising about for ages and shot Marlena in the chest.
Hooray! John “Nooooooed” in a way that made him look like he’d had a stroke and cradled Marlena’s body in his arms. A few final words later, Marlena was dead. John walked through the streets of Salem with Marlena’s body in his arms as the citizens of Salem remarked on how glad they were to see her dead. Ha! I always knew they never really liked that smug bitch!
Only The Good Die YoungBut when has death ever stopped any of these characters from making nuisances of themselves? As John mourned Marlena, Belle made her mother’s death all about her and Sami loudly threw blame at half of Salem, Marlena sat up on her coffin to talk to Celeste. I always knew those cleavagey mourning dresses of Celeste were shocking enough to raise the dead.
“Everyone in Salem will DIIIIEEEEE!!!” Marlena intoned forebodingly. Really? So will everyone in the damn world, Doc. Except for you of course because you’re already an immortal creature of infinite years. Celeste tried to convince Marlena’s family the damn woman was speaking to her but wouldn’t you know it, that insensitive Doc chose that moment to fall back into the coffin and act dead.
The creepy mortician was not swayed by these people’s claims that Marlena was actually alive (don’t you watch horror movies, dude? The monsters never die) and stuck a scalpel in her chest to demonstrate. There was no way she was alive, he said, and she was about to be pumped full of deadly embalming fluid anyway.
Please. Marlena’s veins are already flowing full of embalming fluid. How do you think she looks so young when she’s really a thousand years old?
Marlena’s funeral was attended by only a few foolish souls. Eric and Carrie were notably absent. You’d think these ungrateful bitches would find the time to attend their own mom’s funeral, especially Eric who missed his father’s too. Belle still somehow managed to bring up Shawn. I’m surprised they didn’t just make the eulogy about how much Belle and Shawn’s lovelife was going to be affected by Marlena’s death.
As they prepared to lower the coffin into the ground, Sami fell upon it wailing and heard her mother’s voice calling for help. Marlena was still alive inside the coffin! But there was nothing that could be done – Marlena was buried alive!
The mourners scattered, leaving Marlena in her claustrophobic vessel. A white bunny hopped over the grave for some reason. Perhaps it was the dreaded killer rabbit from Monty Python And The Holy Grail which had come to protect Satan’s Psychologist from rescue.
Marlena's white rabbit attacks an innocent passerby (Jan in her newest costume)The Afterlife Is A Place Of Tropical Sunshine And Free DoughnutsInside the coffin, Marlena cried for help but to no avail. Just as her time finally looked to be up, another twist of fate saved her from suffocation. The coffin began falling through the centre of the earth, through lava and rock until it ended up on a desert island. Man, the Salem subway system is just weird.
Marlena got out of the coffin and wandered around an exact replica of Salem until she saw an old woman sitting on a bench knitting doughnuts. The woman raised her face and lo and behold, it was loveable elderly baker Alice Horton! Hooray! Alice lives!
Marlena was shocked and couldn’t believe she was alive.
Marlena: Alice! This isn’t real! I’m dead!
Alice: No such luck. You’ll have to keep spouting this ridiculous, repetitive dialogue, I’m afraid.
Marlena: But…I killed you! With doughnuts!
Alice: Yes, they were delicious. Have some!
Marlena: Arrrrgggghhh! This is some twisted punishment! This is hell!
Alice: For the viewers certainly. All your victims are actually all alive for some reason. We were given drugs to simulate death.
Marlena: Wait, didn’t I brutally stab Roman, Doug and Cassie?
Alice: Well yes…
Marlena: And bludgeon Maggie to death with a bottle?
Alice: Er, yes…
Marlena: Didn’t they stab me with a scalpel in the chest and fill me with embalming fluid?
Alice: …
Marlena: And didn’t the victims appear to a number of people as ghosts, including me?
Alice: Um…
Marlena: And weren’t Jack’s organs donated?
Alice: Well…
Marlena: How on earth can we all be alive when all that happened?
Alice: Hell if I know. Have some of my special brownies. It makes you not care.
Roman: Hi, everybody.
Marlena: [laughably bad acting] Ohmygollygosh! That gravelly voice! It can’t be! It must be a troop of howler monkeys barking from the jungle!
Roman: Nope, it’s really me, Doc!
Marlena: BUT HOW CAN THIS BE? I KILLED YOU! I MUST BE DEAD!
Alice: We already covered this, remember, dear? Faked deaths, everyone’s actually still alive.
Marlena: Oh right. How strange.
Abe: Hi, everybody.
Marlena: BUT HOW CAN THIS BE? I KILLED YOU! I MUST BE DEAD!
Roman: Aw geez, is she going to do this every time a new person walks in?
Abe: Oh god. Pass some of those brownies here, Mrs Horton.
You know, this storyline is so insultingly bad and unbelievable but months and months of this crap have broken me. A coffin ride through the earth to an island that happens to look exactly like Salem except all the dead people are actually alive there and wearing tropical T-shirts? Doesn’t even make me raise an eyebrow anymore.
Caged Hearts, Crazy TartsBack in Salem, things are no less insane. Take Belle and Shawn’s romance from hell. Angry with Belle, Shawn decided to leave town on a motorbike. Before he could even leave Salem, a little old granny named Mrs B convinced him to visit her in her house. After drinking some of the old woman’s tea, Shawn passed out. When he awoke, he found himself in a cage being licked by the old woman.
Oh dear! But before you think this show has stooped to intergenerational geriatric porn, this was no ordinary horny granny. The granny pulled off her disguise to reveal that she was Jan Spears, batshit crazy lover of fancy-dress and currently the best thing about the show.
Jan has decided that Shawn will forget about Belle if he is kept chained to a bed in her cage of love. I only hope he has some sort of chamber pot in there. Or at least a pack of Pampers. Even worse, Shawn has no access to a barber so his floppy girl-hair will be growing longer and uglier, unless Jan decides to give him a haircut.
Eeryone is worried about where Shawn could have got himself too because he should be there for Belle in her time of need. Seriously, even Bo and Hope seem to care less about the safety of their son as much as how his absence is affecting Belle. Ah, parental affection at its finest.
Belle and Sami have turned into emotional wrecks, only Sami actually freaks out over proper things like her mother dying. Belle on the other hand is so depressed that Shawn is gone that she threw herself upon a teddy bear chalk outline she and Shawn had made on the sideway that was being washed away from the rain. I kid you not. Whereas Sami was wailing over her mother’s coffin, Belle was wailing over a chalk outline of a bear.
Oedipus Called. He Thinks Kate’s A HoDespite the ample evidence to the contrary, Kate thinks that Belle is a good catch and is pressuring her blockheaded son to “poach” her from Shawn. Yes, poaching Belle sounds good. And afterwards they can mount her head above the fireplace. Meanwhile Kate is horrified that Lucas and Sami have finally (finally!) had sex and are growing closer.
Can’t this woman take up a hobby like needlework or go back to whoring or something? Anything to keep her from running her sons’ lives like they’re her freakin’ cyberpets. Somewhere Joan Crawford is all “Step back, bitch! Even I wasn’t this involved in my kids’ lives!”
Kate has gone so far as to offer Lucas a job at Basic Black. Say no, Lucas. Working with your over-involved mother ranks slightly above Transylvanian dog-catcher and whoever’s responsible for oiling Brady down in the list of worst jobs ever.
Other Stuff I Don’t Care About Enough To Give Their Own SubheadingsNicole is still drooling over Brady and trying to get the evidence from Jan that she killed Colon Murphy. Brady still looks wetter than a seal but without the seal’s good looks. Crystal has moved in with Nicole, an arrangement which will lead to many wacky hi-jinks, I’m sure.
Bonnie is trying to get Undertaker Mickey to propose before he inevitably drops dead and collapses into dust. Mimi disapproves of this and spies on them with Max the dog at her side. Julie still hates Bonnie because she has more cup-size than class.
Jen is still a doofus. Patrick has got some shady contacts stealing bonds (I was about to write bondage there, see how this show has warped my innocent mind?) and beating the *bleep!* out of him. Jen still thinks he’s the most trustworthy man since Gandhi and would likely continue to think so even if she caught him naked and violating Alice’s doughnuts while he horsewhips Abby.
Lexie is showing an interest in Tek because they’re the only people of colour in Salem besides Celeste and are this legally required to get together. Celeste has warned her against him but apparently her spot-on premonitions and amazingly accurate vibes are not enough to get Lexie to listen to her mother.
I still don’t care about a single one of these people. The only heartening thing is that I’ll get to see the awesome dead people (not just the ones who appear as ghosts every few weeks) again.