Who is behind this? No, I’m not talking about this island-that-looks-exactly-like-Salem, I’m talking about this cricket business moving Days to a morning slot.
Speaking of, the Soap Dish is offering a discount travel package to go watch the Cricket World Cup in the West Indies. For a low, low fee of R7000, you will be sent to a small island in the West Indies called Melaswen via coffin-through-the-earth. Note that this offer only includes death-faking and coffin hire and does not include tickets to any of the matches.
Retirement Island, FloridaWith Abe and Roman as her tour guides, Marlena has learned the secrets of Melaswen; namely that it makes no sense. As Roman told Marlena, “Dere is only one person capable of conceiving something so sadistic.” That man is James E Reilly, head-writer.
Melaswen looks exactly like Salem right down to photo albums and Roman’s very special stash of nudie magazines he has hidden under his bed. Every detail is perfect. Whoops, guess that means it’s not James E Reilly’s work after all. Must be Stefano DiMera then.
So far, Marlena has met Alice, Roman, Abe, Maggie, Doug and Victor. Yes, Victor, the man who was electrocuted by Jan and whose death had absolutely nothing to do with the Salem Stalker. How to explain this? Ooh, maybe Jan and Nicole are secretly behind this all. They could be the lost DiMeras. Or maybe Marlena and co really are dead and this is just purgatory, kinda like the one theory about Lost.
The
new Salem Melaswen is surrounded by a deadly shimmery boundary which electrocutes anyone who touches it, as Doug unluckily found out. It could mean death for anyone who tries to escape. Of course, we all know that death means squat on this show, so anyone who dies on the island will probably just magically show up on a polar island which looks exactly like Salem in every way except everyone is wearing tundra gear called Melaswenwen.
Tony was missing but has recently showed up jumping about dressed in ninja gear and proclaiming his innocence. Jack has also finally made an appearance in a new footage flashback in which he set off to explore the island dressed as Indiana Jones, Maggie by his side wearing a stylish scarf just perfect for jungle trekking. Jack managed to get through the super deadly boundary when it stopped shimmering for a moment and is now presumed dead out in the wild.
Still missing are Caroline and Cassie who are most likely manning the Brick and Piñata Pub. Caroline’s experience with the Brady Pub is being put to good use while Cassie is no doubt practicing her Coyote Ugly dancing on the bar. Hopefully we will see them soon.
You Have Mail…From Your Dead, Organless HusbandJen is convinced that Jack is alive, despite the fact that she was there when the plug was pulled on his life-support. For that matter, she was there when she gave permission for his organs to be donated and met a woman whose life had been saved by Jack’s heart.
Nevertheless, she is convinced that Jack is actually alive even without those pesky vital organs weighing him down. She’s right of course but that doesn’t make her any less stupid.
She has been getting messages from “Jack”. A message that Patrick wrote in a card (and admitted to) is a message from Jack. A cake that was ordered in advance from the bakery is a message from Jack. A chat saying “lol im alive!!!1” on MSN Messenger is a message from Jack. A disembodied voice coming from the computer that sounds nothing like Jack is a message from Jack.
Unless Jack has gotten hold of a computer and wireless modem (sponsored by Iburst natch), this logically cannot be Jack. And yes, I realise the absurdity of talking about logic in this show but just play along. These messages from Jack are actually from Patrick’s no-good associates who want to do bad things to Jen for some unknown reason. They’re probably still bitter about her TV show.
One of the messages told Jen to go to a rendezvous in the middle of nowhere if she wanted to see Jack. Jen believed this of course and happily waddled off to the location despite Patrick’s fatherly protestations.
The bad news for Jen is that she’s probably going to die. Celeste’s been dealing her Tarot cards and, surprise surprise, the Death card turned up when Jen was around. This might sounds like a disaster since she’s pregnant and there are no doctors on the island but it really isn’t. There’s no Lexie on the island either and we all know a sloth has a greater chance of delivering Jen’s baby than Lexie.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Shawn Is A Dumbass, And a Shirtless One TooCeleste’s visions have not only warned her of Jen’s fate. The spirits have also given her the message “SDBRADYDANGER” using her specially imported ivory tiles from Madagascar. The spirits did not stop there but told her this
Enter his world if you dare. But once inside, you must beware. The answers you seek won't be complete. Just find the spot, and connect the dots.“That doesn’t even rhyme properly,” Bo said of the ditty. I’ll say. You’d think the immortal spirits of the dead could come up with something better than that. Ooh, wait, I think it’s a clue! Such awful poetry could only be written by the producers of Survivor. The spirits are trying to tell Bo, Hope and Celeste that the ‘dead’ people are on Exile Island.
Bo and Hope took the message as meaning that they had to enter Shawn’s lair to find out where he was. Within the chaos, they found a whole lot of Gumby figurines and a single earring. Could Shawn secretly be a cross-dresser? Or could this earring belong to Shawn’s stylish captor, Jan Spears?
Hope put her investigation skills to good use and went to a shop to ask about the earring. The shopkeeper couldn’t help her but contrivance…I mean instinct told her to be a teddy bear because it was a clue. How will it lead her to Jan, you may ask? Once the bear cracks under pressure, it’ll tell the cops all it knows about the Kewpie doll that’s helping Jan out.
Guys And DollsJan is my perfect woman with only one flaw – her Shawn obsession. Well, two if you count the mental psychosis. Her Kewpie doll sometimes appears as her and Shawn’s darling child (it looks like him. The same glassy, empty eyes) and sometimes as her knowledgeable sidekick spouting such wisdom as “Kill Belle!” Smart doll.
Jan also puts the ‘insane’ in ‘insanely hot’ and is parading around in skimpy clothing in front of Shawn. He just looks bored by all of this because a whiny adolescent-looking princess is far more appealing to him for some reason. More fuel to the fire that Shawn’s gay and into Rex as far as I’m concerned.
Jan responded to Shawn’s lack of interest by donning a Casablanca-esque trenchcoat and finding Belle so she could kill her. This led to the best fantasy sequence ever wherein Jan shot Belle multiple times in the chest and Belle let out a death rattle almost as bad as Old Wretched Jan when she was stabbed by Marlena.
Before I could put up a shrine to Jan, she decided not to kill the blessed virgin and instead took photos of Belle getting cosy with Philip to show Shawn. Shawn was skeptical because he knows what a frigid bitch Belle is and how unlikely it is that she’d give up her precious carnal treasure to anyone, much less Philip.
In reality, Belle is dancing with Philip because she is too damn stupid to realise he is head over heels in love with her. He sighs and sways in her presence and looks uncomfortable whenever she asks about “the girl [he] is in love with” but Belle is too busy having terrifying premonitions of becoming the president of the United States to notice. She’s certainly qualified for the job since she’s as clueless as George W Bush.
She is also concerned with finding Shawn and has decided the perfect way of finding him is to go on NASCAR so she can get on TV. Or something. Apparently NASCAR is so unbelievably popular everywhere that even if Shawn is in the deepest wilds of America, he will see her on television and come rushing back to her. Or something. I don’t know how it works, ask President Belle herself.
Bitches, Bitches, BitchesNicole has an unwanted houseguest in the form of Crystal Galore. Much to Nicole’s chagrin (she really has got to get better criminal associates) Crystal has moved into the Kiriakis mansion. Since she is a former porn star, she is used to overly greasy himbos and bad acting. So she feels right at home living with Brady.
She has her eye on John’s money but he is suspicious of this new arrival. He is pretending to be into to her so he can find out if she had anything to do with either Victor or Marlena’s death. Showing off the skills she learned from her own porno career, Nicole acted (badly) as if she didn’t know that Crystal had been in prison when John asked her. She makes up for it though by doing the best John Black impression ever complete with the eyebrow acrobatics.
Meanwhile, Sami has redeemed herself for the countless months she’s been acting like a temper-tantrum-throwing toddler by re-embracing her scheming Kate-hating side. One day she appeared, complete with new haircut, at the Blue Note and decided to try and get Kate arrested for some white collar crime. She’s hoping Kate will become Martha Stewart’s bitch.
In order to put her plan into action, she flirted with a DA in order to find out about white collar crime. There’s a thing called the Internet which works just as well and you don’t have to schmooze up to random lawyers, though there is a possibility you might get an unsolicited message from beyond the grave.
After she’d gotten the information she needed, Sami managed to extract herself from the DA’s claws by faking an STD (insert your own Will joke here) but not before Lucas caught her and broke up. This has made Kate as happy as a satisfied trick. Now Lucas and Sami are back at square one, apart and antagonistic but really in love with each other. Shawnless, clueless Belle has tried to give Sami advice but was delightfully shot down.
Hoedown With The HosBonnie and Mickey are trying to kill me by having far too many scenes implying they’re having sex. It’s obvious to all but the dimmest of viewers that they’re not and are instead doing things like dancing/riding the bucking bronco but the implication is more than enough, thank you.
As a result, I am almost starting to side with Julie in the great Julie/Bonnie bitch-off. This despite the fact that Julie’s overacting is almost at John Black levels of hamminess. Clearly running that circus affected her because her acting is so incredibly exaggerated even for a plotline which includes lassoing dogs, super hot chili and rhinestone cowboys outfits.
Bonnie had a big, sparkly opening at Alice’s Bar which saw the Salemites dressed as cowboys and parading around as jackasses. Uncle Mickey looked especially ridiculous in his cowboy outfit which is odd considering he’s old enough to have worn the real article.