Previously on the Soap Dish:
A million new characters descended upon Pine Valley like locusts, robotic teenage love was exposed, Anna gave birth to the world’s largest premature baby, and this show was very, very gay.
In this episode:
Shiny-faced maniacs are let loose, everyone hates each other in a sexy way, elixirs of youth are created from unicorn’s blood and botox, and this show is still very, very gay.
Diamonds Are Forever, Erica’s Marriages Are NotErica was caught two-timing with Jack by her not-very-bright FBI agent fiancé. That’s not bad, it only took him several clue anvils to the head and several thousand oblivious eons before he got it. At this rate he’s ready to join the Salem PD.
His forehead even redder and shinier than usual from rage, he confronted Jack and generally acted like a menacing, macho jerk. Same as he always does in other words. With venom in his voice, he walked off but now it looks as if he is secretly evil and a maniac (I knew it! I knew I had a reason to hate him for the past two years besides his unnervingly pleathery face).
Chris broke up with Erica but before the world could start spinning in the opposite direction in shock from Erica’s singlehood, Jack stepped in to save us all from being flung into the galaxy and proposed to Erica. He bought the ugliest purplest ring he could find and Erica was rendered speechless wondering where the hell he had gotten that damn ring.
Maybe I’m just too much of a traditionalist but a purple engagement ring? Oddness. Who gives someone a purple ring? It looks like something Tinky Winky would wear when marrying one of the other Teletubbies. If a red diamond is called a blood diamond, does that make this kind a Ribena diamond?
Should Erica accept the proposal? After all, she already has the dress from the abandoned Chris wedding. I guess it’s a big decision to decide whether you want your number of marriages to go into double digits. She discussed this with Boyd:
Erica: Boyd, as my gay flunkie and confidante…
Boyd: I’m not gay.
Erica: Really? Whatever. As my only-seemingly-gay flunkie and confidante, I don’t know whether to marry my loyal lapdog Jack and screw this really good thing I have going.
Boyd: Well, girlfriend, if chasing after Kendall and getting shot down repeatedly has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t afford to cower in fear and not take chances. You have to take the plunge and take risks or else you’ll never know what might have been.
Erica: That’s it, that makes perfect sense! I have to stop being so scared of taking risks in relationships and just go for what I want.
Me: Bitch, you been married nine times! You already do that, fool!
But before Erica could accept the Ribena Diamond engagement ring, Chris sent a hitman to kill Jack. Poor Jack was shot and lay in a hospital, close to death. Add to that Opal’s psychic vibes that told her that someone would die and the situation looked grave (pun totally intended). This did not worry me because my prolonged exposure to Passions has done two things to me:
a) made me completely ignore any time a psychic type says in ominous tones that someone will die because that prediction’s been made about a million times in Passions and almost no-one ever does
b) taught me that there is no wound that a declaration of true love cannot heal
Sure enough Jack lived and Erica accepted his proposal because it’s poor form to be crush the heart of someone stuck in the ICU.
Corporate Ass-pionageErica has other problems. Michael’s still trying to gain control of her cosmetics using his wacky Wile E Coyote meets Dangerous Liaisons schemes which involves people seducing other people so they can seduce other people into telling them stuff.
Michael is especially interested in a sooper speshul sekrit formula Boyd has come up with that stops ageing in its tracks. Yes, that’s right, his Cream of Extreme Botox doesn’t just slow down aging like those Oil of Olay ads claim, it literally stops cells from dying and dooms people to live forever and look eternally young like Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her, only hopefully without the bits falling off.
Michael oh-so-sneakily paid some money-grubbing old woman to sue Fusion for selling her bad cosmetics that made her tongue stop working. The Fusion girls claim it’s a ridiculous lawsuit. Please, I saw them making that *bleep!* in their kitchens. I wouldn’t be surprised if Fusion cosmetics made her tongue fall off.
Thanks to subtle nudges from Michael, Kendall decided to whore herself out in the name of love and try and seduce Boyd to get the formula out of him. Perhaps he could tell her during cuddling afterwards. She couldn’t go through with it because she felt guilty about betraying
Greenlee Michael, so Michael decided to put in motion Plan B which is even more foolproof. Lena would have to seduce Bianca who would somehow get the formula out of her bosom buddy Boyd over pizza and a Project Runway marathon.
Misses Trade KissesHot Polish Fox Lena (tm Maggie who is entirely straight by the way despite referring to another woman as a hot Polish fox) stopped trying to put the moves on Boyd because he was totally suspicious of her. Not for the myriad of reasons he actually had to be suspicious of her like her overly questioning nature, shady European ambiguity or no-nonsense haircut of sophisticated sophistry, but because she was sorta vague about her sexuality. Dude, that’s why you think she’s not being
straight honest? Because bisexuals are Teh Ebol? I mean, he’s right but still.
Lena initially was fine with crushing Bianca’s hopes and dreams but after a date which must’ve been bloody fantastic and involved lots of booze and cleavage, she instantly fell hard for Bianca and couldn’t bring herself to break her heart. Yeah, that happens a lot. She slapped Michael when he called her a corporate whore (“How dare you compare me to Kate Roberts” – slap!) and was generally all awesome standing up to eeeevil Michael. I’m really starting to like her.
She decided to leave town rather than take advantage of Bianca. Angsty! The producers are almost treating this like a real soapie romance. But before Lena could fly off to parts unknown (well, Prague, but for most Americans that is parts unknown), Bianca showed up at the airport and they had a deliciously soapie-ish confession of feelings and crying and deep, longing looks. It was pretty awesome.
Then, in what I understand was the first lesbian kiss ever on US daytime television, they totally went in for a kiss. Holy crap! The producers are treating them like a real soapie romance! Lena told Bianca to run away to Prague with her and left herself open to lesbian U-haul jokes in the process but she ended up staying behind in the end.
"This is the first action I've gotten in three years so you'd damn well better put some more tongue into it."Kendall and Greenlee’s Male Woes: My SolutionThe kiss was for a reason. Lena and Bianca must’ve sensed that they were being outgayed by Kendall and Greenlee and decided to reclaim the title as the gayest thing about this show.
Forget Michael and Carlos (especially Carlos) because Kenlee is the One True Pairing. And I *bleep!* hate smushed together shipper names and fandom terms like One True Pairing so this shows you how deeply I believe in their love.
No really we're just friendsCarlos, our chemistry-free
sculpture sculptor and writer is not even fit to wear one of Leo’s shirts (which Greenlee actually lent him, BLASPHEMYYYY!). Hey, even David’s all “He’ll never be Leo” so it’s not like the show actually has any faith in this pairing.
We’re supposed to believe this himbo is an intelligent writer and artist despite the fact that he can’t even replace an ink jet cartridge without spraying ink all over the place. The man comes off as the dimmer participant in a conversation involving Stuart, and if the autistic guy in ugly sweaters is coming across as more with it than you, then you have a problem.
Anyway, before I get so distracted that I write an entire essay on the uselessness of Carlos and how he’s sucking all of the fun out of Greenlee, let me move on. The only time that Greenlee is allowed to show some spark is when she gets to see Michael for what he really is and bitches at him. It’s great.
Greenlee figured out that Michael was manipulating Kendall with some sob story about how his daddy didn’t love him and if only there was some way of getting Boyd’s formula so Daddy would love him again. So she confronted him about his lying ways and warned him not to hurt her girl.
How Long Until They’re Mud Wrestling?Kendall was not pleased when she found out what Greenlee had done and they had a big ol’ catfight which ended up with them writhing around in the floor slathered in lotion. Several tannies with bad timing who chose that exact moment to switch to SABC3 immediately started penning letters to the YOU decrying the broadcasting of immoral filth while a sleepy SABC3 employee who had just woken up at his booth wondered how the hell he’d let Emmanuelle 17: The Slathering show before the watershed.
Palmer interrupted the ahem, lotion fight by throwing water on them (and here’s where I thanked Unnamed Deity that this wasn’t actually a porn movie because we all know what Palmer would’ve started doing if it really was Emmanuelle 17: The Slathering) and tried to get them to see reason and not quit because of their
unresolved sexual tension hatred of each other.
Click me for video of the lotion fight set to appropriately porny music
Later on, the other Fusion ladies also made an effort to reunite the two of them for the sake of the company. “Come on, you two. Kiss and make up,” Mia told them. Sometimes this show really makes it too easy for me. They did make up when Kendall found out first hand what an amoral *bleep!* Michael was and the girls ended up
dating bonding over drinks at SOS.
Kendall has decided to pay Michael back by playing him just like he played her. She’s even teaming up with Erica to do this which I’m pretty sure is one of the signs of the apocalypse.
Heart of GlassDavid and Anna’s baby has a heart that’s less reliable than Telkom and is liable to fart out at any time (that’s the baby’s heart not Telkom, though Lord knows Telkom farting out would probably be a good thing).
How sick is little Leora? They never seem to show the damn child so sick enough that the producers haven’t hired actors to play the kid. All we ever hear of Leora are some wails from another room. The child is so sickly that it will wither and die at the slightest provocation so David is guarding her like a bulldog and refusing to see her go outside. Maybe they can make some sort of homemade bubble? Put the kid in one of those doggy carriers and cover the front with cling wrap.
Anna wants to install a pacemaker but the world’s greatest cardiologist Dr David is against it. So Anna totally blackmailed David into agreeing to the pacemaker by threatening to arrest his ass if he didn’t. Ouch, Lysistrata would not approve.
Let me give my own very qualified medical opinion (PhD from the Lexie Carver Academy). The only way to save this child is to:
a) Send her to summer camp so she can be SORASed into a healthy sixteen year-old
b) Move out of Pine Valley, since no children ever die offscreen in soapies
c) At least take the child to Seattle Grace so Dr Addison Shepherd and Dr Burke can work on her. She might not survive but it’ll make a good episode of Grey’s. Plus Meredith’s voiceover can totally talk about how much of a symbol for her and McDreamy’s relationship is.
Frisky BusinessA shocking thing has happened with the dreaded Teen Scene. Well, not with the TS per sé but with my reaction to them. You see, ever since JR became more interested in seamen than Laurie and left to become a sailor, I realised that I don’t actually hate the entirety of the Teen Scene like I usually do. In fact, I actually like most of them. I feel so dirty typing that.
Sure, Laurie’s still around and still charming the world with her flat delivery and blank face (will a twist reveal she’s related to Carlos, I wonder?) but there’s Jamie, Joni and Reggie all of whom are cool to watch.
Jamie has been trying to woo Laurie but his attempts to woo wood were woeful. So he decided to do the next best thing – take a hooker to Brooke’s house and fool around with her on the couch. Now, I may not know much about hookers (except that they’re apparently great fun at parties if Simone’s buds are anything to go by) but I do know that it’s not very smart to take one to your mom’s house and make out with her in the middle of the living room. Jamie was busted before the hooker could…hook and he was given a stern talking to about hiring prostitutes. I don’t know, I kinda like the hooker better than I ever have Laurie.
Joni meanwhile is working alongside Reggie in Jack’s…youth centre? What are they working on? Anyway, they hate each other and sparks are flying and you know the drill. Good girl hates bad boy and I give them two weeks before they’re making out.
Joni initially thought Reggie was a no-good punk but then she saw him stand up to his gangsta acquaintance while Jack lay bleeding from a bullet wound and now she’s looking at him a little more favourably. And by that, I mean she’s imagining him shirtless. Or whatever it is good religious girls do to boys they like.
All About ChemistryThe foursome of Edmund, Mia, Maureenia and Aidan are currently merging into a love quadrangle. See, Edmund is riding Mia…sorry, I mean going riding with Mia, and Aidan is still putting his bangers together with Maria’s mash. All well and good, especially since Edmund’s shaved that evil goatee of his (now if only he would take some hedge-trimmers to his chest hair).
Unfortunately Edmund and Maria’s troll-like daughter Maddie is making me want to kill myself by appearing every second episode to pout about Edmund and Mia’s relationship and lisp how she wants her mommy back. I feel the urge to slap her at the best of times but I feel especially violent when she starts to scream “STOP KISSING MY DADDY” to Mia like some mini-Hitler ordering the troops into Poland.
Kill it, Michael! Kill it before it unleashes hell upon earth!God, I hate that child.
Maria is having dreams wherein her amnesiac self walks down the aisle in a super cleavagey wedding dress as her non-amnesiac self taunts her while wearing her hat all askew (which is a symbol of how she’s not right in the head. Or not). So Maria is worried that her memory is coming back and she’ll have to leave her hot British boyfriend and go back to Hairy and the Troll.
In order to distract herself from these terrible thoughts, she has signed up at Pine Valley U for courses on how to become a genuine soapie doctor. She has become friends with Maggie of all people, despite being quite a few years older and cup-sizes bigger than her. Why can’t these people ever find anyone their own age?
(Shout-out to the nutters at the DOOLA who requested I pimp them out in this recap. Thanks, guys, for distracting me so much that this recap took several decades to finish)