This recap serves a dual purpose. On the one hand, it features a summary of what’s been happening in Days for the past month or so. On the other hand, if you ever crash land on a tropical island, it might just save your life.
If there is one lesson you take away from reading this recap, let it be this:
Try not to walk off of cliffs.
Deep, no? Whatever would you do without Jack and Jen Deveraux’s guide to the jungle?
Meet Charity RahmerBelle’s big NASCAR TV debut didn’t work out and Shawn remained missing. She whined about Shawn. Philip tried to comfort her. She moved in with him and whined about Shawn. Mimi’s brother was presumed dead. This tragedy affected her so much that she whined about Shawn.
Then suddenly Belle was recast. Like Jan’s recast suddenly changed the character completely, so did Belle’s. The new Belle is played by one Charity Rahmer and she is positively dreadful. She’s so awful, I would almost rather see Wretched Old Jan take the role instead.
The role of Belle will now be played by a blow-up dollNow she was fired almost as soon as she was hired so she’s not long for the show. But should you catch her during her mercifully brief stint on the show, I recommend picking up your favourite drink and taking a swig whenever she does one of the following:
- Stares blankly without comprehension
- Sighs really loudly
- Places her hand on her chest
- Checks out her nails
- Opens her mouth like a guppy
- Says something in a ‘sexy’ porn voice, especially if the situation’s not supposed to be sexy
- Tries to cry
- Says the word “Shawn”
- Makes you long for the sweet embrace of death
The recasts were brought face to face when Belle ran into Jan for the first time. Belle was blank, Philip was suspicious and the two of them visited Jan’s house where a battle of wits ensued. No prizes for guessing whose wits won out. Jan strung along Belle like the dim puppy she was. It’s really almost cruel watching scenes with Jan and Belle matching wits. This new Belle just radiates stupid from every pore. It’s like watching a Russian Grandmaster play chess with a wombat. Heck, the wombat would probably win if it went up against this Belle.
Island Update: Still No CassieCaroline has finally shown up. Turns out she was at the Brady pub all along, though I reckon she made a stopover at the Melaswen Plastic Surgery Clinic if her scary tight face is anything to go by.
Still MIA? Cassie.
Welcome To The JungleRemember those very suspicious messages Jen was getting telling her to go to a rendezvous in the middle of nowhere if she wanted to see Jack? She did so and got on a plane with a suspicious and thuggish individual. Jen, you fool! Don’t you know never to trust ugly people? Only good people are allowed to be good-looking. If he aint shirtless, he probably doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
Jen soon realised she had gotten on a plane with a bad guy and tried to phone Hope to save her. The plane ended up crashing very conveniently on Melaswen. Jen survived the near-fatal plane crash and an even more near-fatal encounter with an aggressive iguana. It was so terrifying that she actually omygodded rather than ohmygoshed like she usually does.
After escaping the deadly iguana, she promptly stepped off a cliff.
Jen takes a step in the wrong directionMeanwhile, Jack has finally made an appearance and was lurching around the jungle in an Indiana Jones costume and getting menaced by snakes. Hey, you dress up like Indy, you gotta be ready to deal with the snakes. He also contracted some sort of Brain Rot while jungle-bashing so he’s delirious and keeps seeing stuff that isn’t there.
He hallucinated a whole bunch about Jen and their baby before he heard the real-life cries for help coming from the cliff. Jen hung on the cliff for about seven days, occasionally imagining herself that Jack came to save her. This is no time for daydreams, Jen! Jack finally appeared and saved Jen as a flashback to their younger days played. The flashback proved to be better television than this entire show for the last year.
Reunited at last, Jen asked Jack about the messages he had sent only to be met with a blank stare. Patrick’s name too was met with a blank stare. Yes, Jen, you were had! Great *bleep!* investigative journalist you are. She also asked him how it was possible he was alive when she had donated his organs. Jack said he was clueless. Well, I’m so glad you explained that, show.
Then Jack fell into a pit and couldn’t climb out because of the aforementioned Brain Rot. Why is he hallucinating and weak anyway? Did his system go into shock from reappearing on this damn show? Is he just hungry? Throw a coconut at him, Jen!
Jen buggered off to find help and Jack managed to get out of the pit. He found Jen just in time to warn her that the rickety bridge she was walking on was about to collapse. And by just in time, I mean as she was falling down a ravine. Jack wailed and almost jumped after her himself before he saw her lying on the rockface a little way down, unconscious but alive.
Jack ponders how to rescue JenCrashPatrick tried to stop Jen from leaving with the very suspicious individual by grabbing onto their departing plane and falling off. Hope arrested him but somehow he managed to disarm the supercop and ran away. To her (very, very small) credit, Hope showed a teeny bit of good policework when she tracked him down to an airstrip and got on a plane with him. Off they went to find Jen.
Unfortunately, as they were flying to Melaswen, somebody decided to shoot a missile at them. I know I’ve often wanted to shoot things at Patrick so I can’t blame whichever tropical island’s military decided to do it. The plane crashed into the ocean.
Hope and Patrick try to evade a missile heading straight for themPatrick and Hope floated around. Plastic dorsal fins circled but the plastic sharks they belonged to realised that Hope wouldn’t make much of a meal and swam away. Luckily, Hope and Patrick had crash landed only a short distance away from the coast of Melaswen.
The Hawaiian Shirts of Melaswen saw them and helped them up the pier. Hope was shocked to see everyone and wondered if she had died. Like God would allow such a lax dress code in the afterlife. She had a happy reunion with Doug and Alice and Alice’s doughnuts, specially made from the ingredients that were in Alice’s replica fridge. She used very, very long-lasting milk clearly.
Abe and Roman were suspicious of Patrick and decided they would give him an intense interrogation. They repeated the same question three times. Patrick remained tight-lipped. Not exactly Jack Bauer, are they? Intense interrogation over, they went to discuss their non-findings elsewhere and left Marlena in charge, with a knife in hand. Geez, why not just give her her old mask and hoodie too?
Patrick managed to escape and Hope once again followed him. He used his magical pirate coin to open a hole in the forcefield. Hope dived after him. You’d think he’d find it easy to lose a twig like Hope. All he’d have to do is wave a sandwich in her face. But no, he just couldn’t get rid of her. Now Patrick and Hope are making their way through the jungle. Patrick is shirtless, naturally. I hope a swarm of leeches attach themselves to his nipples.
A History Of ViolenceAll the so-called heroes on this show are driving me crazy with their caveman psyches. I swear none of them know how to do anything without getting violent in some way.
Take Abe and Roman. You’d think that these two would be mellowed out from living on a tropical island. But noooo. They decided to question Tony about their situation but dear old Tony, as always, feigned cluelessness and shock. So Abe decided to try some more persuasive techniques and went postal on his ass.
Cue the fisticuffs between Abe and Tony. It’s like fight night at the old age home. Despite the fact that Tony’s a freaking ninja and took on a tiger, Abe managed to knock him out.
Surprisingly, Abe and Roman didn’t beat up Patrick no matter how much I begged them to through the TV. Stupid non-listening TV. The most they did was ruffle his shirt collar anyway. Like that will do anything but encourage him to take it off later.
Abe holds onto Patrick as Roman questions himThe one person who did listen to me and punch Patrick was Hope. Hooray! Sure, it would be the equivalent of getting punched by a limp noodle but still. Goooo Hope!
Meanwhile Bobo’s trauma at losing his wife has caused him to go shouty dick on everyone’s asses. Well, shoutier and dickier at any rate. He’s going around randomly punching Tek and nattering on about how he knows Hope’s alive because they have a super psychic connection. Ooh, maybe they’re Gemini twins!
Then there’s John who may be the worst of the lot. He was suspicious of Crystal and decided to do an impromptu question and answer session with her in the stables. He lassoed her (been going to Alice’s a lot, haven’t we, John?) and hogtied her to a post but not before punching the poor woman out. Watching a guy punch out a small woman is never much fun even if it’s the Eyebrow himself doing it, you stupid show.
John got his when as he was about to get the info he needed from Crystal, Jan appeared behind him and wacked him one with a spade. Oh Jan, just when I thought I couldn’t love you more. Crystal escaped ran off, never to be seen again.
Brady and John discuss whether Crystal might be responsible for Marlena's deathBonnie and Julie too like to engage in a spot of violence. Mind you, I would like to have a few words with Bonnie myself after being forced to witness the horrors of Bonnie/Mickey sex. I am now asexual thanks to those dreadful images burnt into my brain.
Buried AliveSami and Lucas briefly broke up, engaged in some of that tedious “I don’t really love him/her” bickering I’m so sick of and then got back together and made salted French Toast. It was cute. Then that bitch Kate came and ruined it all. She visited Sami for the sole purpose of mocking her and gloating over her pain before she saw Lucas come out of the bathroom and screamed her head off. HA! In your face, wench!
Sami’s happiness was short-lived when John came over with a bear he had found at the Bradys’ house (the same bear Hope bought from a pawn shop). Sami recognised it as the bear Will had put in his grandma Marlena’s coffin and the wailing began. John wanted to exhume her body, Sami screeched how much she hated him. John dug up the grave and found the empty coffin, Sami screeched how much she hated him. John tried to question the undertaker before the undertaker shot himself, Sami screeched how much she hated him.
John was perplexed. Why were there scratch marks on the inside of the casket and where was Marlena? Sami blew up at anyone within clawing distance that she had said she’d heard shouting coming from within the coffin and no-one had listened to her. Then Lexie walked in and Sami had a particularly satisfying stream of invective regarding how Lexie had misdiagnosed Marlena as dead.
Lexie tried to defend herself against claims she was a crap doctor but we all know it’s true. After all, this is the same woman who diagnosed Jen with a sickly maggot baby liable to miscarry at any moment, and thus far the foetus has survived a plane crash, an iguana attack and numerous falls off of cliffs. The damn child’s tougher than the Terminator.
Incidentally, if like Sami and John you’re wondering how the hell Marlena got out of her coffin, the idiots on the island determined that the coffin had been taken through the tunnels under Salem which were once part of the Underground Railroad. I had no idea the Underground Railroad travelled through the goddamn molten centre of the earth.
Wise WordsAnd now, some out-of-context dialogue from Sami Brady that proves how much smarter she is than everyone else:
To Lexie, after she learns Marlena was actually alive when they buried her:
“You’re a doctor, you’re supposed to know if people are alive or dead”
“What are you all idiots?”
“There isn’t any logic in any of this!”
To Lucas:
“I’m going to become so successful, it’s gonna make your mother look like a two-bit hooker. Oh wait, she already is!”
As a bonus, a random snippet of Nicole’s dialogue to John:
“Listen, you over-the-hill MacGyver wannabe…”
And a zinger from Tony to the rest of the Melaswenites:
“Do you think I’d subject myself to your miserable company with no means of escape?”