My apologies for posting this recap so late. Things have been very hectic lately.Anyways last week's episode ended with Jenascia getting her marching papers.This week's episode was a bit of a snooze-fest. There were pretty dramatic moments though.
The gals once again made new vows. Catie is still sticking to her vow that she'll never weep again.She wins this week's Maxi Award for her determination and a swift kick in the ass for her foolishness. All prizes will be delivered by DHL. Xiomara,who looks horrific with glasses on,thanks G-Spot nobody's found out her secret. She forgets that Camille found men's briefs in her drawers.
Mercedes-Benz,who finally contacted Vanessa about the wig,freaks out when the craptastic thing hasn't been delivered yet. What she didn't know was that Vanessa sent her parcel via the South African Post Office and it will take two years before it finally reaches it's destination. Poor lamb! Meanwhile she's been crafty,trying to hide her stash of pills in encyclopedias and novels,because it's a scientifically-proven fact that models cannot read.
April wins this week's Headless Chicken Award. She whined about how she's not "in touch" with her Asian heritage. My advice: Learn Mandarin,burn your western clothes,buy a dozen kimonos,learn kung-fu(The Karate Kid trilogy will be a good place to start). Buy cheap Chinese merchandise and export them to a little country called South Africa. You'll be set for life.
Miss Cornrows arrives and has a little one-on-one with the gals. Tranny needs tips on how to keep her hump implants in good shape.Tyra asks Mercedes why she's been so cranky and her answer is: "It's that time of the month".Tyra sympathises with her.
Tyramail arrives and they're told that they'll meet a shrink. The gals breathe a sigh of relief when they realise that it's not Marlena Evans Black. The gals are then told that they have to write about each other's qualities on a piece of paper. The gals then get their paper and read aloud what one of the gals think of her personality.
Catie receives her paper and the following things are written about her: Badly needs attention like a puppy,trailer trash, as weak as Paris Hilton's album and voice. Miraculously,Catie doesn't burst into tears over these allegations. No wonder it was raining yesterday! Xiomara receives her paper and the gals wrote the following things about her: Horror-mara, Freak of nature, She-male, Urgently needs plastic surgery. Tranny reacts by baring her fangs and growling. She demands to know who wrote those malicious things about her. Nobody owns up,because they know better than to mess with fugly chicks,especially chicks with dicks.
Camille's turn comes and the following things were written about her: Liewe Heksie,She-devil,Your turd stinks,Urgently needs a personality transplant. While she's reading these horrific things,the camera cuts to Tranny,who looks as if she's experiencing an orgasm over the Camille backlash. Camille glared at them like the crap under her shoe and proclaimed that she's the best thing since Viagra. Camille,get off your high horse. You're a pleb,just like the rest of the gals.
The following day arrives and the gals get a special visit from Madam Alexander and his mystery guest. It turns out that the guest is none other than Salem's very own Celeste Perreault and she brought her tarot cards of doom. Catie was first and Celeste's cards told her that she'll become Playboy's Playmate of the Year and have a long and successful career doing adult movies.The other gals give her a round of applause while Catie is beside herself with joy.
Camille's next and Celeste's cards tell her that Camille has a bad aura and that she needs to be exorcised from the evil spirits that use her body as a vessel. Camille shrieks in horror while the other gals chant "Die bitch die!" The tarot cards of doom reveal that Mercedes is hiding a terrible secret. Shandi gets hysterical when her turn arrives and reveals her loveless childhood. The gals are quite sympathetic and Tranny spares my virgin eyes from witnessing one of her fugly cries. Madam Alexander comforts Shandi while one of the gals sing the Baba Black Sheep nursery rhyme. I love this show.
Tyramail arrives and the gals have to confess their deepest secrets to Vampira Dickinson,who has The World's First Supermodel etched across her botoxed forehead. Tranny tells us about one of her sexcapades. G-spot only knows who would be desperate enough to bonk her fugly ass. That has definitely put me off sex for a decade. Catie confesses to being a virgin. Vampira nearly chokes on the vial of blood she was drinking. Such a virgin but she's dressing like a ho. Shandi opens up about her struggle with drugs. Mercedes-Benz finally comes clean and tells Vampira about her illness. Camille feels at ease in Vampira's presence and says "What's up,bitch!" with a broad grin on her face. Birds of a feather clearly flock together. Mercedes wins and her reward is a shopping spree with Sara the Persian carpet, oops, chick.
Tyramail arrives and the gals are shipped off to Queer Productions,where they're met by Gay Jay and his BFF,Porky and Tinkerbell. The gals then have to dress up,wear hideous make-up and climb into a fish tank for an underwater photoshoot. Yoanna looks like Brown Shuga's earthworm, Sara looks like a mermaid,Catie looks like Nemo. Mercedes looks like a frightened jellyfish while Camille looks like a drunk octopus doing the macarena. Tranny looks like a hungry piranha. Goodness gracious!
Later that night,Mercedes and Sara get a surprise visit form their moms. Were these girls adopted? They don't resemble their parents at all. Tyra and her mom arrive and the bitchfest dissolves into a corny,badly-written chick flick. I start yawning. Everyone is so nice to each other and the gals sing Barney the Purple Dinosaur's theme song.
Elimination night comes up and the gals have to make a presentation to promote an imaginary product to the judges. Sara,who borrowed Cloud9's pearls from Yoanna,goes ghetto on us and performs a rap freestyle. Honeybunch,this is not America's Next Top Rapper. Shandi stutters like a machine gun (I can't laugh though.I have a similar problem) Yoanna sounds like she's selling the Avbob Funeral Policy Cover. Catie is a natural in front of the judges while Camille has delusions of grandeur and talks about being last year's ANTM winner. When Tranny comes out,Porky's pet dog,Tinkerbell,yelps in horror and faints. The dog was treated for shock and had to be given a sedative.
The sword hangs over the heads of Tranny,who traumatised a poor dog and Camille,who's told that she has the charisma of a rattlesnake. Tranny gets her marching papers and I celebrate by doing the Chicken Noodle Soup dance and pop my R5.99 bottle of wine from Shoprite Checkers.
Tranny packs her briefs and shaving stuff (A girl's gotta shave that beard,even if she has a penis) and talks in a musculine voice about how it was one of the best experiences ever,besides getting an appointment for a sex-change so that she can finally become a woman. The American Association of Trans-sexuals has drawn up a petition against ANTM's unfair ruling. Goodbye and good riddance. No more nightmares for Maxi!
In next week's recap of Maxi's ANTM,the gals audition for a role as an extra for Bennifer's Gigli.