Welcome to Maxi's final recap of ANTM.Last week's episode ended with Catie the Crybaby/Hoochie being eliminated. This week's episode began with Camille thanking G-spot for yet another narrow escape. She promised to be less bitchy and be more of a Fanta Grape (artificial and sweet). That's like a cobra not using it's fangs to attack it's prey.
Shandi called her boyfriend to tell him that she's wearing the dress that he bought for her at the yard sale. Boyfriend gets emotional on the other end. She later receives a postcard(who sends postcards at this day and age?) and a photo of her fugly boyfriend,which freaks the other gals out. Shandi tells them to voetsek.
Tyramail arrives and the gals go to a dance studio to meet their choreographer,who has danced for the likes of Cyndi Lauper, ABBA ,Paula Abdul and Latoya Jackson. He gives them a little exercise. Each girl has to dance in a seductive manner. Sara's first and does the improvised macarena (Sorry dear,it's 2007,not 1987) The choreographer is not impressed. Camille polishes the floor with her ass.If the modelling thing doesn't work out,she can always give a course on alternative/X-Rated housekeeping. April moves like someone shoved a hot poker up her ass.Yoanna and Mercedes-Benz are forgettable while Shandi surprises everyone by moving her body like a snake. The choreographer is impressed.
Later that afternon,Shandi calls her boyfriend. Her boyfriend tells her that someone else has been scrubbing his back since she's been gone. Shandi freaks out and tells him that he's a cheating dog. Poor thing! She later goes out with the gals to a club and attracts men like flies to that smelly brown stuff.
The following day arrives and the gals have to go to the dance studio again for a little challenge. The choreographer teaches them a few dance moves and they have a little danceoff to determine who is the best dancer. Sara has the rhythm of a dustbin and is the first person to be eliminated. Shandi's hangover from last night partying gets the better of her and she's next,Yoanna and Mercedes follow. The showdown is between Camille and April,who dances like a Duracell bunny on steroids. April eventually wins and her prize is a chance to meet a couple of music celebrities.
I anxiously wonder who these music celebrities could be. Could it be P!nk, Dr Dre or maybe my goddess?! It turns out that the "music celebs" are none other than Rattex and Doom,who had a #1 hit during the Stone Age. A coupon to buy washing powder would be more exciting than meeting a couple of has-been rappers. April chooses Sara and Shandi to tag along. Rattex is all over Shandi like a wet dishcloth while Doom bores the gals to death with his over-recycled jokes. The rappers then take the gals out for a ride on their rented Hummer.
Tyramail arrives and the gals have to get up early for their next challenge. Gay Jay tells them that they'll be video-ho's for Tyra's(gasp! WTF?) music video. Oh my! It seems like everyone has a singing career. First it was Eddie Murphy (who flopped),then the entire Days Of Our Lives cast (who flopped),then Paris Hilton (who had a monumental flop of an album),now it's Tyra. Who's next? Miss Piggy?Tyra tells us that she worked with the same producer responsible for well-known hits such as Deja Poo,Downgrade U and Granny's Dress.
The gals had to strut their stuff down the catwalk. April literally knocked the competition (Yoanna) while Shandi showed immense improvement. The gals than had to be filmed shaking their moneymakers. Their clothes were proudly sponsored by Catie's Closet. Shandi shakes it like a Polaroid Picture,Yoanna danced like a dying cockroach ,Sara and Mercedes showed us a great aerobic workout while April and Camille were sizzling. All in all,they made average video-ho's.They should've consulted Snoop Dogg's ho's on how to really shake that ass.
Later that night,Shandi called her boyfriend and foolishly told him that she was a magnet which attracted every guy at the club. Boyfriend whined about Shandi's hypocrisy and hung up. Meanwhile, April whined to her boyfriend about how she'll hang herself on the nearest tomato tree if she doesn't win ANTM. I've gotta hand it to these boyfriends. They sure know how to put up with their girlfriends' *bleep!*.
Elimination night comes up and the gals are judged on their performance on the video.Shandi got a standing ovation from the judges. April and Camille also got positive feedback while Yoanna and Sara got a frosty reception. The sword hangs over the heads of Sara,who's told that she dances like a Shakira-reject and Yoanna,who's told that she dances like a chicken suffering from seizures.Before Tyra delivers the bad news,she gives a corny speech complete with fake tears. I start yawning. Now is not the time to be Oprah-lite. Sara gets the chop and cries a river. Her mascara is all over the place and her nose is snotty. Sies! No wonder she was dismissed.
Tyra debuts her music video and it reminds me of an anthology of videos recently released a certain artist called Beeyawnce,which had a hefty budget of R10. I wonder how many record execs Tyra had to sleep with to get a record deal. I guess that will remain one of the world's greatest mysteries. She sounds like an alley cat during it's mating season. My sources tell me that her single sold 5 copies and was number one at the bottom of the charts.So much for her singing career.
Anyways this is my last recap. I enjoyed writing these recaps and if circumstances were different,I would write these recaps till the last episode but that's impossible.