Survivor has always been a show about challenging our perceptions about life and society, our fellow human beings, and the way we perceive people. for instance, I had no idea how stupid yoga was until I met Aras. And I've never loathed truckers more than I have since Sue stepped onto our screen and behaved like a bad mothertrucker. And who can forget how much Survivor has taught us about the latest in fashionable cars? And how refreshing Mountain Dew really is?
Yep, Survivor is all about learning. And, in that spirit,
Survivor XIII, "Pressurecooker Islands", is going to school us all in race relations.
In order to show us how different races can live together harmoniously, they're going to split them up, put them all on different islands, and then make them try to kill each other in challenges. They are going to make them hate each other, put a label on that hate ('race'), and by doing so will once again show us jut what a bunch of asses humanity really is.
Great, innit? I'm going to absolutely love it. I also may get sued for what I write, but hey, that won't be new,
will it, Steph?
Gazing into my Crystal Ball (or, to get ready for the sea of Political Correctness we will find ourselves drowning in soon) my post-present-enabled carbon-lattice spherical viewing device (so as not to offend hicks- er, I mean intellectually challenged folk - who believe in actual Crystal Balls, you know) I see much turmoil in the first episode. Most of it will be the turmoil in my stomach as I have to put up with yet another group of idiots trying to convince of either a) their superiority to all of humanity, b) their insane athletic ability, c) how much they love everyone and want to just be their friends or d) why they thought that eating the bright yellow berries seemed like a good idea at the time.
I forsee....
- The Asian Tribe will be aggrieved at being lumped together along racial profiling lines. They draw up a memo and send it to the other tribes. It states, among other things:
"If I tell you I'm not Chinese, I'm Japanese, and you say 'Whatever, same difference', I will use both Chinese Kung Fu and Japanese Karate to disembowel you and cook you in a Vietnamese stew.".
- The Hispanic Tribe will be aggrieved at being lumped together along racial profiling lines. They decide to sneak into the White Tribe over the inter-tribal border and take their jobs.
- The African-American Tribe will be aggrieved at being lumped together along racial profiling lines. Jesse Jackson will (as always), find a way onto the Island using his , lead them in a march on the Survivor Production Suite.
- Jesse Jackson will be fed to sharks.
- The American-American Tribe will be aggrieved at being lumped together along racial profiling lines. They will complain that the proximity of the other tribes has lowered the value of their real estate.
- The Asian Tribe and African American tribe have a huge argument when choosing names as both tribes have their hearts set on naming their tribe "Wu Tang Clan".
- Billy Garcia is accidentally placed on the African Tribe because his Skull Bandana is mistaken for a Skull Cap.
- Billy Garcia is accidentally put on the Asian Tribe because his band name is misread as For-Saki.
- Billy Garcia is accidentally drowned by everyone else for loving the colour pink.
- The Hidden Immunity Idol is discovered almost immediately. Jessica puts up a brave fight but eventually 4-foot statue that was badly hidden in her hair is removed.
I foresee that, by the end of this episode, we will have a grande merge, and the tribe will feast on Tacos and Sushi while playing hackey-sack in polo-neck sweaters and listening to - yes - the Wu Tang Clan.
Ai?