Two weeks ago, Survivor came up with the most daringly controversial bit of TV stuntsmanship ever: divide the tribes up by race! It was a fascinating look at one of society's weakest points, cutting to the core in a blindingly decisive way. Who would ever do something like that?
Well, certainly not
SURVIVOR. Dammit. We only get two weeks of awkward racial tension and Jerry Seinfeld-ish "
Not that there's anything wrong with that" type statements? Talk about wasting my time getting ready for the backlash of what would happen when one tribe was completely eliminated. Can you imagine?
Hypothetical Ethnic Group Spokesman: What? They killed all of my people? Oh, they didn't kill them, they kicked them off of their land? That's outrag-! Oh, it wasn't their land? It was a TV show? Man, is this that survivor thing again? Will you please stop calling me! I have lawsuits to concoct here. Ok, so maybe no one would really have cared one way or the other. After all, We're not really that intelligent, anyway. The world is full of stereotypes, and we don't mind, because usually they're just plain funny. More to the point: every single group, race, gender, clan, orientation and people has one of their own utterly embarrass the rest of them on Survivor. No one's going to take it too seriously. Take, for instance, Brian, from Thailand: he is simultaneously an embarrassment to car-salesmen, porn stars, and guys with mullets. So you see how it ll adds up in the end.
The one positive side of merging and splitting the tribes is that all of the players now have to continually tell us how much 'better' it is that they're all mixed up into one 'melting pot' community. One wonders just how diverse their real lives are. No, Parvati, servants and gardeners don't count as diversity.
I wonder what Candice must have thought to know that such an innocent statement as 'I love you' could be taken so drastically out of context so as to mean... 'I love you'.
Well, you know what I mean. It'd be crappy having to have that happen again so she's probably going to watch everything she says from now on. For instance:
"Man, I love this coconut. I'm not going to *marry* it or anything, and I don't think we'll ever be more than friends, but I think I do love it, in a 'God loves all his children' kind of way." While Candice is busy watching her every word, Parvati is sort of doing the opposite and letting every possible combination of smutty words drop out of her mouth in phrases of the purest nonsense. She has let on that what she is 'best' at, is flirting with men. Way to aim high there, Parvati. Don Juan Parvati is busy doing everything she can besides walk around naked with a sign around her neck saying 'Fresh Meat' to get the men to go all weak at the knees when she's around. Ooh Nate, I bet you could eat that octpus all on your own, because you're so big, and... hungry... Ooh look, I dropped my torch in front of you all. Let me just bend over slowly and pick it up. Oh gosh, my bikini top seems to have come undone, hahaha! how embarrassing! Please don't vote me off?
Speaking of Nate, I don't think I can let this season's one instance of rank cruelty go uncommented upon. Because, really, are their diets so lacking that they now have to kill animals that consists of... what the hell do octopuses consist of anyway? Slime and suckers? To kill it, you have to turn it inside out: how do you know when you've accomplished this task. I dunno. I can barely look at the thing, let alone eat it. But Nate reckons he'll spear the slowest damn thing out there (and he very nearly failed at that), and thinks that this is some sort of victory. Oh yeah? How's this look, Nate?
Yeah, thought so, playa. Cephalopod hata.
It appears as though we have a very familiar pattern emerging on Cook Islands: a player with very little in terms of brains, lots of determination, and an ability to screw things up every time he takes to thinking. Yup, it appears as if Ozzy is slowly becoming the next Bobby Jon. Unfortunately, Ozzy is just *irritating* as opposed to incredibly funny. You watch out for this one. If he starts resembling Jesus (pronounced 'Heysuse'), get the remote control out. I don't think I could handle an Ozzy Jon.
The challenge is what really tipped me off, seeing Ozzy struggling to carry so much weight and still looking confused when he loses. That was a bit of a lame effort from Ozzy's tribe though. Good to see we're all comfortable with each other's ethnicity, but we still think ladies can't carry anything heavy. Sigh.
So, the non-Ozzy tribe won (please, please don't ask me to remember tribe names, mkay? Not gonna happen). The Ozzy Firm Inc. tried to come up with some sort of plan, Yul & Co. came up with another plan, and they combined their plans into one big Plan-Grenade and threw it at Flica. Now, bear in mind that this is a person who mis-spells 'Jessica' as 'Flica'. That's a pretty big typo. So when it comes down to it, she's both your best and worst case scenario swing vote. Best case because she's easily manipulated; and worst case because there's only room for so many big thoughts in her head, and some other big thought has to go to make room, like how to keep her hair down, or breathing. Or, whatever.
So, in the end, they voted off a made-up contestant named 'Cecilia', who obviously did not exist because I can't remember her. So long, 'Cecilia'.