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Do our men hate us?

Written by sweetie my baby from the blog Mzansi Living... on 05 Oct 2007
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I saw something this morning that just ruined my vibe, and got me thinking ‘Do our guys hate us?’ Guys, in broad daylight, right there on Rivonia Road – a man was beating a woman with a sjambok. I’m not sure if I was more depressed by that, or the fact that nobody was doing anything. And it’s not that I expect people to go all superhero on me, but it doesn’t cost you anything to hoot, scream out your window, and show this guy that it’s not on.

And remember, 10111 is a free call from ALL lines, no matter what your airtime balance is. It felt surreal, like it couldn’t really be happening. I mean, a sunny Friday morning, traffic flowing quite well, great music on the radio- and this guy, walloping this woman as she runs screaming around the car, dodging the blows - right on Rivonia Road (where are the cops when you bloody need them, they practically LIVE on that road????).

I hooted and screamed at him ( coz I was on the other side of the road), and he paused and looked at me for a second like ‘Ja, what? Wang’ disturba!’. Hey bathong ba Jehovah, kante what’s going on? By the time I hit a u-turn and got back to the scene of the crime, he’d driven off, and she was standing there with a bunch of bags. I tried to ask her if she was okay, or needed any help – but she was so humiliated and angry, she didn’t want any more attention, and kept insisting she was fine.

I felt so helpless and useless.

My first thought is always ‘nothing separates me from that woman. It could JUST as easily be me, anything is possible.’ And I know that a great frustration of trying to help out is that sometimes the person you’re trying to help (in cases where you’re close to them) doesn’t want to accept your help, and actually fights you – which complicates the issue….

Let’s discuss… have you been in this situ? Or know someone who has? What do you think your responsibility is (or isn’t….)?

And my number one question WHAT IS UP WITH OUR GUYS???? Too much violence, too much hatred, too much pain...

85 Comments

Toodecent
05 Oct 2007 05:25

Staff like this I dont wanna be involved into...di batla batswadi. Ur topic and story dont really go together... yah it was aweful to see that.Anyway men dont hate women..or should I say I dont hate women and in most cases there are reasons why men and women turn to hate each other.

boogy-babe!
05 Oct 2007 05:47

Women allow man 2beat the crap out of them becoz after the beating they stay with the same man who moered them& if a person whats 2intervene the woman will tell u 2 buzz off aw'ngeni ndawo,so realy its a tricky situation.

KeleFabulous
05 Oct 2007 05:50

reflecting...

sweetie my baby
05 Oct 2007 06:01

hey, i gotta disagree, TDC - i mean, the way violence against women is so hectic in S.A, i think we need more than Batswadi.... (sometimes, they're even part of the problem).

yes, the article may be all over the place, but the issue is all over the place.. i think the topic and story are very linked up. i know that women can drive men to the point of no return at times, and clinical psychologists will give you lenghtly explanations about battered womans' syndrome, and why abused women stay in these situations...like you say, boogy - tricky.

but my questions remains - WHY are our guys so violent towards us? we're in really bad shape where this is concerned, let's face it - this level of violence against women is not normal, guys.... and i know from your blogs and general vibe that YOU don't hate women, TDC - but let's tell the truth, a lot of brothers out there carry on like they do....

Toodecent
05 Oct 2007 06:06

SMB mo tlogele a tsware ke boroko then chop his ball$ off...that should do it.

monchooza
05 Oct 2007 06:10

i have a litlle story to tell first= e next door yasekhaya there is a gal who is about 18yrs. who has a baby with some guy wakhona elokshini. so now one sunday morning (ntatha kusa) i was minding my own business coming from my night of fun on the dance floor of some club. just when i was opening i gate i see the gal and her boyfriend. she was screaming and shouting ngoba the boyfriend was shaying her strong, so the Ubuntu in me told me to go help her, so i went (despite the fact that mina na le authi never talked before, infact asibulisani) i said "bafwethu ningalwi, i am sure you can solve what ever issues you have ngokukhuluma" the guy understood and he stoped beating her and he left. as soon as the guy left this gal wangitshela izindaba zam wathi "ngicela uhlukane nam nobufebe bam, ukuthi ngiyashaywa akusindaba yakho, ubheke izindaba zakini, ori ulamule esakini isifebe (meaning my younger sister who is 16yrs).......yoh yoh yoh ngazisola ukuthi bengiyaphi...so since that day ungisalamuli muntu wesifazani oshaywa owesilisa ngoba ngizozisola

Username
05 Oct 2007 06:10

What would drive a man to humiliate a woman in public like that other than hate? Sometimes I do believe that some men actually hate women if a man could brutally rape, beat up and slit a woman’s throat without even an inch of remorse. *opinion based on the brutality of crimes committed against women and the lack of remorse from that perpetrator*

Also a woman can stay in an abusive relationship and that woman can be so protective of that relationship that they would even turn her back on friends and family just because they don’t approve of that relationship.

Sorry about the situation you had to witness but apathy is the main problem and it affects the way our society functions. At least you showed concern and even if she didn’t accept your help but you did offer and that is what matters in the end.

andi01
05 Oct 2007 06:12

Nice topic Sweety-my -Baby. I have to say I know that I like playing around but guys this is a true story, pls help.
I am in this relationship with this guy that I love very much, we have been together for almost two years now and he is very abusive. He was Ok at the beginning but a yr ago he started smoking drugs (tik to be specific), he comes home and start accusing me of sleeping around and shouts and insult me until 4am thats when he falls asleep. At times he often beats me up and I always fight back. i love this guy very much but he treats me badly, is it my fault that I am treatde this way?, coz when i kick him out he comes back & apologises and I always take him back, coz i luv him, its almost as if he has me under his spell. But when he is not high he is the sweetest person ever. At times i even pray that all de feelings i have for him would just disappeare.

Dont judge me but Advise me.

belz
05 Oct 2007 06:14

Sweetie my baby: i had a friend, her boyfriend used to beat the living daylights out of her even when she was pregnant, i confronted her boyfriend and he told me its none of my business, "ngichitha umuzi wakhe" these were his exact words, i spoke to my friend and she said she loved this guy regardless, so i guess sometimes these people need to get themselves out of the situation, there is no need to be concerned when the party involved acknowledges being beaten, or harrased.

Toodecent
05 Oct 2007 06:16

Andi refer to my reply up there...

MamaOmpha
05 Oct 2007 06:17

If there's one thing that my mum taught me was a person learns from you how you want them to treat you. So teach a person how you want them to treat you.

If you allow your man to beat you up, you are teaching them that's its ok to beat you.

When I first statred to go out with PapaO, (he was straight from KZN, Msinga), he had this perception that he owned me, I must always do what he says. You know mos how many guys are. But bcause I loved him I taught him how I wanted to be treated and told him if ebona ukuthi uzohluleka, lets call it quits before it goes any futher.

andi01
05 Oct 2007 06:22

@ TDC tsware ke boroko, nnkupa hotransalte to

belz
05 Oct 2007 06:31

andi01: i think the best thing is to get out of that relationship, it will neva stop, the beatings and all. does this guy at least want to stop the drugs, or have you spoken to him about quiting? gal,that sounds like a dangerous realtionship, one day you wont be able to fight back and he might just kill you. my advise is to get out of it, i understand that you love him, but sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people.

Gugs
05 Oct 2007 06:44

Andi01 that's is some kind of ish you in: If it was me I would sit the guy down when he is not hi talk to him make him anderstand that he has a problem and he must admit that he is addicted but he wants help then I will organize him a rehab.

I won't advice you to leave him without atleast trying to help him get clean.......

Im saying this cos my cousin was going out with this guy who was taking coke, E and a heavy drinker sometimes he was abusive but one thing we knew they loved each other so one day my cousin was gatvol with all his ish they broke up, then the guy one weekend did not sleep took all this drugs for three days without eating or sleeping e groover waya waya he died in his sleep.... So my cousin is blaming herself for not trying to help him......

All in all try to help first but you don't derseve to be his punching bag no matter how much you love him.

sponono
05 Oct 2007 07:21

I tried to ask her if she was okay, or needed any help – kept insisting she was fine. ..thats what women in these relationships do...I've tried lamularing or intervening before and thats what I got

they only leave these relationships when they are nice and ready (or maybe when they are worn and tarttered from teh beating and they are ready to leave...otherwise you can lamula all you want the'yll eitheer tell you to mind-you own, or that they are fine

as for you Andi01...option 1 -search yourself...is love everything??..sometimes these things are overrated (you can have as much love but with one eye and scarred face..is it worth it) you can leave someoen even if you love them..you just have to be ready and if you are not ready you'll stay no matter how much the beatings are

option 2 youcan stay tolerating the tikki guy or get out, change the locks ,go home, call the cops, hit him back -anything to sve yourself

as for Sweety-mybaby's question...Do men Hate us...I can also ask -Do women hate us by doin all the stuff some women do, hiding babies, cheating with our best friends, ect...u-wrongo unwrongo nje qha its just that the muring is visible to the next person and ther's physical pain...but we also get a raw deal from women people are just different

sedi
05 Oct 2007 07:21

I never thot it will happen to me coz bengihlale ngithi if umuntu angangibamba rough i will leave him........... it started like tht & then came the beating on two ocassions it happened in front off my 3yrs old daughter. He blamed me for him hitting me, when he finally manage to say sorry he still said it's bcoz he was angry. My friends said ngimbophise especially the last time coz it was bad, but i didn't coz i felt nothing will bring take back what he did & what he took from me when hit me. He says he feels bad coz our daughter keeps reminding him abt hitting me. I worry how this has affected her.

I left coz i knew i deserve more & tht i didn't want my daughter growing thinking it's ok for a man to treat u tht way.in most cases u find tht it's not easy for this women to leave, coz they fanacially depended on these man & nani niyazi ukuthi most of the time abantu abadala bazokutshela ukuthi bekezela, nami babethi ngimxolele sibuye lane for the sake of our daughter.....i said no! i found out ukuthi futhi they r very manulitative it's easy for them to make u feel tht it's your fault. SORRY FOR THE ESSAY:)

Weiss
05 Oct 2007 07:26

I hooted and screamed at him ( coz I was on the other side of the road), and he paused and looked at me for a second like ‘Ja, what? Wang’ disturba!’. Hey bathong ba Jehovah, kante what’s going on? By the time I hit a u-turn and got back to the scene of the crime, he’d driven off, and she was standing there with a bunch of bags.
Ha! Ha! There is something funny about the way you are saying that - I know I'm sounding very childish but I just can't stop laughing at that!! LOL!! What did the poor lady do to deserve this?? What a shame, I just trying to picture that! And the sad part is that she might go back that a** hole.

The SERIOUS point to ladies is that they tend to feel sorry for a guy when he apologise. My simple advise to you is - LEAVE HIM & NEVER LOOK BACK. Even if you still love the bugger - if you really love someone, you'll want them to be proud of you want to make each & every day of that person a highlight.

I'm sorry if I gonna sound a bit insensitive, but if you go back to someone who is doing that to you - then you need a lot of that sjambok beating in Rivonia Rd for everyone to see while driving off, thinking "Aw shame"

andi01
05 Oct 2007 07:26

@ Gugs , thanks girl for ur advise but as a said been with this "tonto" for 2 yrs, its been a yr and all i do is talk to him, beleive. ( ihave spoken to him nicely, shouting, swearing, crying, cursing, begging) i have done it all. the thing about irehab it wont help if he doesnt wanna be helped. And the worst part is everytime i kick him out, for 3 days or so, he smokes like 10 times more and I am always worried that one day he will OD
@Belz- ya sure girl u know the worst part is that I know dat de relationship is dangers but mostly its a torture but everytime I wanna get out, i always have this kinda hope that he is going 2 stop. He's gonna go back to the wonderful man he once was. I know that I may be fooling myself, but I wanna hold on. I do wanna let go but I just cant.

belz
05 Oct 2007 07:35

hihihi Weiss. akuhlekisi neh? hihihihihihi.

andi01
05 Oct 2007 07:35

Maybe there is something wrong lenna yazi, i am financial independent, I am good in the looks department, i am a hardworker, I didnt grow up with a silver spoon but I worked hard to be where I am. But when it comes to relationships I suck big time. 90% of the guys I've been with have been to jail once or more times. I never asked a guy to buyme anything. i am a very sweet person, bit crazy but faithful, honest and caring, but the fool I am with now cant see that what he sees is some horny little s**t who sleeps with the ugliest, craziest tik-heads. he doesnt say that in many ways, but when some1 accuses u of cheating when u dont, he is basically calling u a wh**e. I c dat dis affair its not good for mna, why cant i get out. Is it fear of being alone, fear of starting all over again. Am i emotional attached, please people help me see the light here.

Jordan
05 Oct 2007 07:58

Basadi le bone!!! Huuu eh eh!!!

sedi
05 Oct 2007 08:25

I get u when you say the fear of being alone & starting all over, tht's how i use to feel coz we been together 5yrs & we been staying together for 3yrs. Mina @ tht time i was the only one working, i did everything to show him tht nothing had change in how i see him as a man & my man. Kodwa he never saw it & i realise tht with everyday i was changing myself inorder for him to be ok . I cudn't realise who i was anymore, i knew i didn't wanna lose me......so I chose me.

Coz i'm sure everytime makayenzalezinto zakhe akubiza ngamagama, uvele wenze izinto ezizo suitor yena.Ask yourself wena ukuphi or uphila ngokuthi yena unjani at tht time? uAndi yena unakekelwa ubani coz basicly wena unaka yena more than you.Is loosing yourself worth it?

Gugs
05 Oct 2007 08:26

atleast now you know that you are the one with a problem. Deal with it my love ne stop looking for love it will come to u unxpectedly....... wish u all the best though I'm sure it not easy........

sweetie my baby
05 Oct 2007 08:37

oh, missed all this - had to step out to a meeting...Andi, my heart just breaks for you, and the one thing I DO know for sure is that you shouldn't be trying to manage this on your own - darling, us black people have issues with therapists, psychologists, etc - and we so need them.

Babe, what you're surviving, you need a professional to help you see your way out of it, i'm convinced - please just think about going in to talk to someone, coz they can help you get to the root of why you make the same bad decisions when it comes to guys, and give you tools go help you.

it's not easy, but you're so far ahead so many other women, in that you recognise that there's a problem. and babe, you have to save yourself, first, then deal with the rest of the world.

and also, let me just say, have been thinking about this all day, and apologies to TDC and all the other good guys out there for generalising and saying 'what's wrong with our guys?' - let me rather say ' SOME' of our guys.... coz others are just such gems!

spice
05 Oct 2007 08:37

Andile I asked you before and i'm asking you now come stay with me ,you and I will make a great team

andi01
05 Oct 2007 08:40

@ Sedi, thanks girl what u just said makes a lot of sense coz really he is changing me slowly but surely, coz this other time we were fighting and i took out a pair of scissors and a stab him, once engalweni. I was neva a violent person but now he is teaching me violence, sometimes when he starts accusing of these things I am the first perosn to "chisa mpama", which i am not proud of, but the pain he is causing emotional its too much and i want him to stop, i want him 2 stop hurting me, and to stop causing me pain but the more i hope he could stop the more he goes on. then i just loose it and clap him and sometimes strangle him, am I going insane. At the moment he doesnt even work full-time, so i pay de rent and de groceries but still he doesnt appreciate dat.

belz
05 Oct 2007 08:41

hahahahaha spice, uPetros uzovuma??

andi01
05 Oct 2007 08:45

@SMB, i think the topic its great, coz when u say our man u refering to, some girl's man. Not that u are saying all men, but "all that are abusive" get me.Sometimes the last laugh i have is @ 5pm just before leavung TVSA, after that its back to the "hell house". That rat is so possessive, as we speak he has my phone, coz he doesnt want ada men calling me. what kinda person is that.

spice
05 Oct 2007 08:47

Ok seriously guys If you have neva been in an abusive relationship you'll neva know how difficult it is to get out esp if you love the idiot deeply (dangeruosly in love) you see with me he does not abuse me physically but emotionally he drains me and now i even beleive that i'm nothing without him I consider my self educated and welll informed but when it comes to my relationships I stink ,in a nut shell Petrose is my downfall i know it but I just can't leave him I tried but I' always end up where I started (right back in love him) I can't do anything without him my life has no meaning without him I don't know myself without him ,I know I sound pathetic but it's true

andi01
05 Oct 2007 08:50

@ spice girl i hope dat u for real coz mna my situation is true I aint playing arounf

Mxhosana
05 Oct 2007 08:55

No woman has to put up with that kind of abuse, it doesn't matter how much you love the person. It starts with a little klap and then it gets worse and worse. Had someone who used to beat the living hell out of me and i kept lying to myself that he'll change. But instead of that, things got worse and worse. So i say to all the woman in that situation run while u still can coz the chances of him changing are 0.

spice
05 Oct 2007 08:55

Andile what you are describing is ugly and scary pls gal do something before it's too late I beg you maybe your solomone has a low self esteem maybe he is threatened by your success and you might not have a dependency syndrome financially but physically you do that's why you still with him ,

spice
05 Oct 2007 08:59

Sorry meant to say emotionally hi hi hi (physically wonder what these p^&*$#!!ts were thinkin)

sweetie my baby
05 Oct 2007 09:06

No,no Andi - you need to be out, this sounds like a living hell, and you're becoming your worst nightmare, as you can see... darling, please make that call- lifeline, email me - i've got sooo many friends who've gone thru this, and have put them in touch with an amazing counsellour who's worked them through it all. it's a process, but no time like the present to get started, sweetie...

as spopo said, is love enough? no. he's very right, you can love someone and still leave their ass if it means saving your own. i just think you need to get your strength back...

@ Sponono - yes, women can be masters of emotional abuse, it's true. all the scenario's you describe, i've seen take place, and it ain't pretty. (not that it justifies anything) but bottom line, we need to stop hurting each other in these crazy ways...

myname
05 Oct 2007 09:10

Im with Gucci i think at least u shuld try 2 help him & show that u care & u r not judging him 4 being like that. They need our support guys & lets try oGabriel bethu. I know its painful bt sometimes khawuzame at least wehluleke uzamile. And nam im stil lucky andikaphiwa tu nencinci ichisa mpama.

sponono
05 Oct 2007 09:12

<<Sorry meant to say emotionally hi hi hi>>ARE YOU SURE SPICE.....LMAOL

from what some girls say these "rough-necks" or amajita amuranayo they are quite hectic in the bedroom so the lady might feel eish maybe the muradom is betta than loosing my everyday mind-blowin shag......he he he

(of course thats NOT the case here)..and I must say andi01 you sound miserable...but the question is WHY ARE YOU sTILL THERE coz you're intelligetn beautyifull good person ..you must find the strength amongts those attributes PRONTO cos he'll hurt real bad next and I'm serious

mesh8077
05 Oct 2007 09:30

@ Andi01..................m crying with u ma luv v been in that situation n d least i cud do 4 him was to try n get him sum help n the BEST thing i did 4 maself was 2 get out of the lationship coz it wasnt a relationship anymo.All the best ma luv n b strong u will get thru this and DNT blame urself ma darling its not ur fault hez such a bustard uyakucinga noba kunini coz soze aphinde amfumane onje ngawe.On that note I thnk u shud consider Spice's offer thats if PETROS is kewl wth it. LOL!

andi01
05 Oct 2007 09:31

sweetie my baby
05 Oct 2007 09:34

hi hi hi, sponono you are too scandalous with this 'roughneck in bed' talk! iyo bathong!

but i have to disagree with this 'try and save the guy' storyline, that's what Tina Turner tried, and look what it got her (behind the scenes of the glam life) - years of hell, and three dysfunctional, traumatised kids who never made anything of themselves because they were so wrecked with what they used to witness as children.

as much as you love him, Andi- your man is a grown-ass man, and as Spopo says, you have to make sure that YOU are okay first, then you can consider saving him. but can you honestly tell me that you are in an emotional state to save this guy from the drugs/abusiveness etc, when you're such an emotional wreck yourself? i don't think so.

the trick is to sort yourself out, then if you have any ideas of coming in and sorting the guy out, you can do that from a stronger standpoint - mentally and emotionally. but right now, your spirit seems FINISHED, DRAINED, done in... and who're you going to 'save' in that state?

andi01
05 Oct 2007 09:42

@sponono- do u think i have asked myself those thing, a million times my broer. Yes de sex is good but I dont think dats de reason I cant leave dis rat.
@myname- even if i do show him that i care, which i always do u think he ll ever see it given the fact dat he doesnt see it now. i have done every thing for lankawu but it seems as if i am just wasting my time coz he doesnt appreciate any of that. To him ill always be a wh**e. Love its a 2 way street, why do I always have to give and neva recieve, coz thats what the relationship its about. i compromise a lot but the only thing i get back is insults and accusations. They say "love doesnt die a natural death, it dies of betrayals, hurt, pain, anger, i have sufferd all of the above and more, why cant i stop loving dis baboon.how do I help some1 who doesnt wanna b helped. He gets al de safistaction he desires from tik and insulting me. Sometimes when i think about lerelationship i just cry, coz i have always been tough and courageous, but all that has died. I am just a crazy litle girl being treated like a doormat by a good for nothing arse hole that claims to love her. Dineo in generations, take her situation and multiply it by 20, maybe ull get a slight idea of what I am going through, Yes she is staying coz she cheated so maybe she feel she has to stay, but look @ me what have I done. (i have loved him, cared for him, put a roof over his head, always supported him, got him a job) and this is the thanks I get. My life's so miserable, if it wasnt for TVSA members who always make me laugh I am sure I would have cracked and had a nervous break down by now.

Weiss
05 Oct 2007 09:46

but the question is WHY ARE YOU sTILL THERE coz you're intelligetn beautyifull good person Eish!! Unfortunately I'm still asking myself that very same question to everyone in a similar situation. Maybe drugs are his fix, but YOUR fix maybe subcontiously HIS BEATINGS & EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Am I sounding bad?? Sorry!

GET OUT OF HIS LIFE Andi01 - If you think you also matter in this relationship - otherwise he'll think you are sucking to him. Which you are - unfortunately. What I'm really trying to say is I YOU LOVE HIM then LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. Walk away girl - Leave the country/town - FORGET HIM - as hard as it is.

sjura
05 Oct 2007 09:49

stjoo Andi01. i vel u Ntombazana uqine we2 sisi akulahlwa mbeleko ngakufelwa kuyalunga ngenye imini kuwe of coz if uyamshiya nt lakawu.neway m sho ma lousy jokes contributed to one of ur laughs.(thats if i eva wrte one)

andi01
05 Oct 2007 09:51

To all ya- i know u said i need counselling, but counselling doesnt get better dan dis, thank u very much guys, u have no idea what this means 2 me just talking about it has helped.

andi01
05 Oct 2007 09:52

@sjura- ur name alone makes me laugh,

sponono
05 Oct 2007 10:03

eish andi01..let me say this in Zulucoz I'm emotional right now

indaba yakho angiyazi ngzoyenzanjani..i-shiye lendoda amadoda maninigi emnyango..lomuntu uzokulimaza ngelinye ilanga ube-nehlo elilodwa kodwa ube NOTHANDO OLUNINGI ...haayi mani uthando alusho lotho muyeke usindise impilo nesithunzi sakho---okuthusayo ukuthi nawe usuyamushaya one day yena uyokushayela ukuwina this "fight" and what will become of you with one eye and scars ( I've seen these things happen elokshin

in short just leave him even when you love him..its not easy..who said IT SHOULD BE thats life...you're a responsible for your misery if you keep staying becaus as you say

"I always take him back, coz i luv him, its almost as if he has me under his spelle At times i even pray that all de feelings i have for him would just disappeare. " God helps those who help themselves..that corny I know but its true, by leaving him you'd be able to deal with your love for him without him there to charm his way back only to mura you again

maybe I sound harsh and maybe you might feel people should talk from experience, but the thing is the observer is more objective than a survivor...so do something for yourselve and right now you're sound like a victim, meanwhile he's busy tikking himself to a stupor and lookin fowrad to murin you oncemore or testing you so that you'll clap him and voila the war is on....eish man !!!!!

sjura
05 Oct 2007 10:06

harsh but true Sponza.

sweetie my baby
05 Oct 2007 10:11

spopo, marry me, kea go kopa!!! never mind all the seTswana, my mum is Zulu, and you could help me return to ma roots!!! say yes!!!

Brown Shuga
05 Oct 2007 11:50

Wow! Guys, this is so so so scary......Sedi noAndi01 oh gosh!!!!!
even though I'm struggling with Andi's story coz uhlala udlala, if it's true then "damn'!!!
I hope you'll be able to get out of those situations somehow....

Nice write up Sweetie My Baby....I feel you!!

Beyonce
05 Oct 2007 12:00

SMB--- back off, Spopo is mine! LoL. I will even lobola him if I have to... that's how far I will go.

Brown Shuga
05 Oct 2007 12:02

eish, nam kodwa ndiyamfuna loSpopondini...

mayo
05 Oct 2007 12:29

@Andi01 been there love leave noW before its too late and atleast there is no child involved!!

what I fail to understand correct me if im wrong Andi01 was it not u that was leaving in Parow with a cousin and the police came or some story??? then u replied that u r now leaving with ur folks and ujonge incwadi zakho u were in jail and u said its not nice there......????? CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG ???

Beyonce
05 Oct 2007 12:37

hey mayo, uyi computha my friend... you remember such details!

mayo
05 Oct 2007 12:53

Ewe bee cant help it uAndi01 has played alot with our minds and some of us bought iMega Memory in high school so andilibali!!!

KeleFabulous
06 Oct 2007 02:31

hey nina bo ma pikiniki boi 2...sponono is myne!!!

Segi big ups to u gal!!! u r an inspiration and i applaud your bravery to get yourself and your daughter out of that situation. there really is no way forward with this one.

andi and spice - leave the person and if they really love you and want you back then they will fight (not physically) to gain your trust again. let them know you're leaving them because you love them and you feel they don't love you back just by their actions and if they really do then they will start showing it. damn, the 2 of you have always come across as such strong characters and it takes a fuc*** up man to weaken your resolve...no it's not on.

on the other side sometimes i think us women get ourselves (not deliberately) into such situations. and before i c some whipping coming my way I AM NOT SAYING IT IS THE WOMAN'S FAULT!!! i'm just saying, take me for example, i've nevr been in an abusive relationship however i know gore ma rough rider turn me on. i absolutely love an aggressive man! but not aggressive as in violent. problem is you hardly find one who is aggressive and non-violent at the same time...so ke it's a catch 22. i know the sweetest guys are often a turn-off to most guys!

Sparrow
06 Oct 2007 03:46

Andi,

I myself have never been in your situation, but i saw my sister go through what & lord know many woman out there,every weekend she came home she looked different. Life has never been the same,just readn ur story & thinking about what she went through every single day makes me shake with re-newd rage.

The lies she told, just to cover for the love of her life. (I dont think that guy knew wot LOVE is & still dont!!). Please get out,it may not be easy but please think about ur family annd friends who care & love u so much. Its been seven years since she been gone and I miss her so much.......

cocktail
06 Oct 2007 10:48

SMB,lomcimbi uwuphethe apha ngentla ubaluleke ngendlela engummangaliso,ndiyabulela xa kuthe kwakho ibhinqa eliyelabona ukuba malenzento ngobubundlobongela balamadoda,kodwa hayi wonke amadoda apha phandle abolile akhona avuthiweyo,

Ngalamazwi ndithi kuwe Andi01nakubanye bakulemeko yakho aboyika ukuthetha,ndiyasisi akukho lula ndinga thetha kuse,ewe kulula kwabanye abantu ukuthi myeke umntu,kodwa xa intliziyo yakho ingekaneli wena mnini nto noba abantu bangathini asoze umyeke,kodwa themba mna sisi ive been there done that, u will get over him xa ixesha lifikile uzakumyeka umlibale n naye asoze akholwe,kodwa yanga ungangadikwa selulate sekekumoshile,

The problem with abusive guys whether physically or verbally,they r insecured with themselves,or they r over powered by their own friends so they take out their cowardness to woman,cas they know thats where they can win the battle.What is not fair these guys live you bitter n very traumitised that u and up feeling like no one will eva appriciate u but him,thats not true sisi,there guys who will truelly love n appreciate you,u dont have to hunt for him, he will come to you when the time is ryt,n when he does plz ask him where was he all this time you waited for him getting all those beatings n disrespect,hi hi hi hope u wake up soon nhe?LOL

cocktail
06 Oct 2007 13:59

@Gugs,sisi yo cousin must not blame herself 4 his ex boyfriends death,i know how she feels, its very painful to lose someone you loved n they die before you even resolved your feelings,but what i know about junkies more especially coke addicts they r liers,manupilative,selfish,rude,heartless ppl ever, who will do anything 4 the next fix,who dont even care about their loved ones.

They only feel sorry for their actions while their mind is still fresh early in the morning,when they take a line they forget that they promised not to do coke again,n if you bring that subject they get aggressive you end up blaming yoself,cas they always make evrything they do wrong as if its your fault,their just brilliant.They can cry a river trying to convince you that they want or will stop,n when you fall for that you will go to they same path over n over.They lie to you,they steal from n the worst they even cheat on you.Dealing with a drug addict is the worst thing eva,its very TRAUMATISING,they get to learn your strong n weak points n they use them against you,n your life ends up feeling like a movie,TINA TURNER and IKE.Please guys drugs r no joke,its easy to start but wait until you c those ppl struggle to STOP!!!!!!!!!Until we accept the fact that no one was meant to be happy 24/7,that makes you a abnormal person,you need to cry, feel down once in a while its ok,that makes you a HUMAN.

sweetie my baby
06 Oct 2007 14:14

hey bathong, cocktail that entire message in isiZulu was utterly lost on me - phela, i'm only half zulu, and was actually raised speaking setswana - hi hi hi, so please darl - translate into english or setswana, coz am rather defeated by the deep deep zulu, but o so curious about what you wrote...

cocktail
06 Oct 2007 14:20

Actaully SMB thats Xhosa nana,i was giving you a round of for such a good ,motivating artticle for all the sistas out there!

cocktail
06 Oct 2007 14:21

Actaully SMB thats Xhosa nana,i was giving you a round of for such a good ,motivating artticle for all the sistas out there!

Sis Dolly
08 Oct 2007 02:44

Amazing
08 Oct 2007 02:57

This article reminds me of a friend of mine named Molefo. She's this beautiful peddie girl wasting her time on this possesive Egyptian guy who cnotrols her and beats her up.

Abanut ababethwa ngamadoda ayayi vumela yonke lento ibahlelayo. If you enable someone to abuse, you leave them no choice but to abuse you. If indoda iyakushaya, pack your *bleep!* and leave. I don't care if he's supprting you and your 25 sons and daughters. A plate of food is not worth you dignity and pride or wose, your life.

sweetie my baby
08 Oct 2007 03:01

oh, thanks Cocktail, and happy Monday to you- can you see how sad it is, can't even distinguish written isiXhosa from isiZulu... my (zulu) mother will screech... heysh.

Amazing
08 Oct 2007 03:10

Sponito somewhere in your replies I think I spottted some Shana lyrics, am I right?

tshepiso
08 Oct 2007 03:23

Hi guys
I am back from a very very bad weekend at Maftown.
heeeeee Bathong Mafikeng ga e na dibiri whooooooooo I am still thurst but there is nothing I could do this morning because I have to come to work. ke tsho everything is out of stock.

my message to all ladies out there

If monna or boyfriend beats u up, lerato le fedile o bone bo Tshepza ko ntle please e tswa ka tse di tsididi because we don't have time and energy for furnerals. even the grants are limited for those who got them now.

zandii!!
08 Oct 2007 03:37

what is this im hearin apa guys to cut yo story short i will neva go to ZAMBEZI in ma lyf ma friend was nearly jackrolled on thursday nyt kwi launch ka cleo it was nt funny we had to fight to death and i did nt cum to work on friday bkos she was brussed and had to go to a councellin the guys all ova us and the bouncers had to take us to sum offices blos thgey were carin guns and were treatnin us the other 1 i was askkiin 4rm was like yu wanna be in the front of the sowetan i was like please nigga stop these empty treats and if yu dnt want then get in the car we ended up goin home and they left us bkoz police came and we went home and yu still sayin men do love us they monsters monsters i hate them actually im scared of them cant even sleep at nyt these days!!

sponono
08 Oct 2007 09:30

Amazing ...No u're wrong...i know of some local group with that name-Shana but ask me to mention any of their songs, let alone sing them..I'm lost.....

<<zandii said <<i was like please nigga stop these empty treats>> ..when you stop thinkin like Americans maybe you'll realise that men are not all the same and that you were just involved in an unfortunate situation, which is actually different from this sitation discussed but its OK youre upset...

zandii!!
08 Oct 2007 09:37

so yu sayin i think like an american no its fien yu can raise yo view clearly wena yu think like who cares + i was'nt talkin to yu so if yu misread ma reply then its nt ma problem + i will say it again nigga !!

Brown Shuga
08 Oct 2007 11:16

hi hi hi hi hi

Tshd21
08 Oct 2007 12:35

A e ne modiga Zandi and Sponono, a e ne modiga!!!!

sweetie my baby
09 Oct 2007 01:40

oooh, bathong, Spopo le Zandi, PEACE!!

@ spopo - in all fairness, shame, let's give Zandi a moment to recover from her horrific ordeal, we can get into debates about 'yo my man, yo ma nigga' on another blog...

@zandi - you'll see that at some point, i had to apologise to all the good guys for generalising whenever a guy does something bad to us women. so pls, let's not condemn all guys, phela abo Spopo are our future husbands... (hint hint, Sponono....)

sponono
09 Oct 2007 02:00

zandii!!....forgive me I didnt mean to upset you any further.....(its just tha I dont get it why use that "nigga" expression..but I understand we all have a choice on how we express ourselves....nonetheless take care

sponono
09 Oct 2007 02:04

dankie sweeety for playin peacemaker...hi hi hi I'll marry you one day

zandii!!
09 Oct 2007 02:08

its fine sponono didnt mean to sound defensive nawe yu sounded like the nigga part irritates yu anyway cool maaan gt no time for this !!

monchooza
09 Oct 2007 02:34

Kiss kiss now................

Gugs
09 Oct 2007 04:09

Zandii man sorry about that I didn't see you there but I didn't stay long. Do you know this guys have you seen them b4 @ clubs did they buy u guys drinks? sori 4 so many ?estions it just that I need to warn my friends who were not there.

Lex
09 Oct 2007 03:52

Zandi le Spopo,thank goodness there's now peace amongst u.

Back to the issue:Andi pls leave that man coz he doesnt seem like he wants to change,not even for himself.He's gon hurt u real bad and there wont be any turning back.Pleeeeeeease Andi leave him.I have the audacity to say to u LEAVE HIM coz some bastard once hit me when I was doing everything for him,paying the rent(ok,my dad was the one paying the rent),feeding him and clothing him and his child(note: HIS child not OUR child) and I took out a knife and got him on his arm (but I actually wanted the face coz he's a pretty boy,but he blocked the knife,so I got the arm),and told him to get the hell out of my house.He could not believe it coz he knew I loved him terribly but I knew that I loved myself more and no man is gon hit me when my own dad never raised his hand on me.

zandii!!
09 Oct 2007 04:07

@gugs its a long story ill tell yu whn we meet they neva bhouth us drinks we buy ourselves driks and that guy said he wanted kulu bkoz she had skimpy outfits besides i neva saw them i only saw them that tym whn they wanted to take her away and i interfered ill phone yu maan its just irritatin me now ive been talkin abt it since last friday !!

Feza
09 Oct 2007 04:46

Yeeses Andi01, its a tough situation you are in. I have not read all the responds and i'm not sure if one of the respondents said this, but here it goes, I'm gonna be a bit harsh on you and sort of tell you what you dont wanna hear. Listen, i'm a woman, so i'm on your side.

You have a serious problem. You are the problem. You belittle yourself, you dont love yourself enough, you doubt yourself and you definatelly excudes all this poor qualities to your man. you have low self esteem. He knows that he rules your world and there is nothing you're gonna do about it. He wont stop and he wont go back to the "sweet man" he used to be before. why should he change and go back to being a loving boyfriend if you love the monster he is today???

Everytime a man beats you up, its like he cuts through your soul and cut off a piece of your confidence and as time goes on you have no confidence left. Confidence is the "skill" that assures you that you are stong enough to move on without him, confidence assures you that you deserve better and pushes you to go and get "better". It teaches you to love yourself more than you love any other person. because if you love yourself, you make sure that no one hurts you, and if they do, you leave them.

Letting go is another story. You dont wanna. you said so yourself. Its not easy I know...pray about it. Ask God to give you strengh to let go. Another thing: You're not responsible for this guy's life, if he decides to overdose and kill himself, you should not be the one to blame. You can't help him get cleaned up if he does not want any help. Is he helping you emotionally ena?

See a professional about this. talking to a phychologist can give you so much courage and strength to let go of bad situations that tie us the unfavourable conditions. Only you can save yourself...Seek professional help.

And ooh, I know what i'm talking about. I have been hit by a boyfriend before. but i left immediatelly. Because forgiving a woman abuser is what shows him that what he did was not so bad. It took a lot of courage, time, and money (paying the psychologist) but it paid off, i finally picked my life, confidence, strength up, and it will pay off even better beacuse next time i give advice like this i'm gonna charge LOL.

sweetie my baby
09 Oct 2007 04:55

dlala feza, you basically condensed everyone's points into one hard-hitting, real-talking and loving response.

Andi11, you've been quiet, i really hope you're working through the issues and getting your exit strat into gear, ok? and when you blossom into the gorgeous butterly you truly are, and win awards for the incredible things you achieve, don't forget to send shout-outs to your ever-loving TVSA family for all the laaahv and support!

Feza
09 Oct 2007 05:37

Thats a problem with people around here....you think this is a competition and people gain points by talking.

sparky
09 Oct 2007 06:04

Andi01

Men, choose what they want to hear, find out what he likes most when he is high, tell him what you know he likes the most, do it for more than 3times and than leave him OR
you will get tired and do as you please, play around with his feelings, most importantly, dont let him messed up you face or body, get him sleep two or 3 nighs in a prison cell if he hits you.

i am also inlove with a guy for more than 6yrs now, he does very low things like lying abuot everytbing; making me spending weekends alone, coming to me after 2 weeks etc.

i got used to that it doesnt bother me anymore because i dont stay with him, i stay on my own but i cannot forget about him, i love him more and more everyday irrespective of all this things.

REMEMBER MEN HATES WOMEN ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL AND INDEPENDANT.

sweetie my baby
09 Oct 2007 06:48

@Feza...hmmm, i get the feeling i'm being dissed, and not sure why, coz i was actually paying you a compliment, maybe it wasn't clear enough...hi hi hi.

moving swiftly along - @ Sparky - you worry me, uyaz' sthandwa - i think you and andi need to really take the advice people have been giving very very seriously. we're not on this earth to survive relationships that torture us. if it ain't working - LEAVE. to me, it sounds like the stress you've been thru has begun to twist how you see things, and that's not good at all. men do not hate women, that's just not a fair statement. maybe the guy YOU are with seems to hate YOU, but you need to start thinking why you stay. (read Sponono and Feza's comments on the topic).

therapy, therapy therapy..... you have low self esteem, to the point that you've begun to make excuses for why you stay. it's a PROBLEM that your mans behaviour doesn't bother you anymore - you just don't value yourself and your time enough...

Cande
09 Oct 2007 11:21

Hey

My name is Cande, am in an abusive relationship........I can leave this guy because i really love him.

just kidding.

Guys we cant tell you what to do maara ke ask yourself is it worth it? Love is not everything, infact its nothing if you are not happy. but ke the final decision is yours!

Tshd21
09 Oct 2007 11:24

Cande ngwana wa ko gae, come say hi!

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