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It's not yours only but Ours too

Written by Lemon_Lite from the blog Lemon's Lite Reality Bites on 04 Dec 2007
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My name is Lemon_Lite, 25 years of age, 1st of three children, MAJOR Kaizer Chiefs fan, Black professional working in an advertising agency – parties, friends, my family are my life.

On Saturday while I was at a party and was catching up with an old friend – she started crying (at first I thought it was the The 4 Cousins – everyone knows abazala) - she was telling me about the “weight” she is carrying. She is the bread winner of the house – only 25 yet has a lot of responsibilities she automatically inherited. Her parents are very old and always sick and she takes care of their hospital bills, there’s also her older brother and his kids, plus another older brother plus an older sister and her 2 kids – basically her salary looks after + - 10 people… It is too much for her but because of her love for her family and the way she was brought up – she can’t desert them and leave… there’s still her boyfriend putting pressure on her; for them to buy a house and live together – she doesn’t tell her man all her problems so to him, she has no responsibilities and wastes her money on “silly” things. I think what’s worse is that she doesn’t have a supportive family, she had to sort them out and that’s THAT.

This made me think about my situation – my mom is unemployed and I have 2 siblings. It’s not a matter of asking my mom for anything my siblings need anymore – they look to my direction. I’m not complaining as I love my family but the thought of me getting paid month end and just going crazy with my salary ALWAYS crosses my mind but before the money is even in my bank account I already have things to pay and countless other things to do. My mom was sick awhile back, she’s not on my medical aid – so I had to give her money to go to the doctor; who asked her to come back after 2 weeks which was another R150.00. Some parent force their kids into THEIR responsibilities – my mom doesn’t say a thing and she doesn’t expect me to carry her load but since I work and she doesn’t…it’s only natural I help her.

Another friend is paying for his brother’s university tuition while also helping with the other siblings.

A girl I once met in a taxi told me about her family; how the salary she earns in not nearly enough to sustain them till month end. She asked me whether she should leave and go start her own life yet in the same sentence she said what will her family do without her.

A guy I know was renovating the home and there are still his 5 siblings plus parents to clothe, feed and look after. He has 2 credit cards killing him and there seems to be no end to his family’s demands.

Another friend has to support 2 families…

So the question I have is; does this only happen to MY group of friends; does it only happen in Black families?

37 Comments

AQUILOGY
04 Dec 2007 06:03

i don't see anything wrong with it, in fact if it wasn't for my older sister i wouldn't have been able to study further

zozozo
04 Dec 2007 06:17

I feel u gal, i thought i was the only 1, sumone once said on TV that "a black person's salary goes deep" meaning 1 salary support 10 ppl like u have mentioned. My friends says it's one of the disavantages of being born black. But what else 1can do? coz we really luv our families.

nice
04 Dec 2007 06:20

Hi Lemon, I once moaned to TVSA readers on one article about our burdens , see the extract of my response below

"On top of that I have to buy food, send money home to my folks, remember they have retired and only have pension money as their source of income............not forgetting that when I stayed at home it was a shack (mkhukhu joe) and now have to help them to build a 4 room....nyana so the winter does not freeze them.

So then I approach the nearest bank, which is too willing to give me a credit card and I max it before month end, how will I pay for it at month end."

And I must add ama-bloggers were not impressed!

To answer your question though, I would say it happens to most black families and the only way to break the curse is to make sure that you have enough investments yourself, have less children so that your kid(s) will know that you are self sufficient and will never have to worry about helping you out.

TVSA Team
04 Dec 2007 06:32

Such an interesting column Lemon. A similar thing happened in my family with my mom and dad. My dad was Greek and when him and my mom got married they used to send her whole salary to Greece for the rest of the family - specifically my dad's sister (who didn't work) and my grandparents.

The thing is it didn't just get used for essential things but for things like doing over their house and that kind of thing. Also there's a family house in the mountains in Greece that didn't have hot water and my parents sent money for a geyser for it over and over again. About seven years ago I went to visit them and it still wasn't there.

When my folks got divorced the whole setup changed but even so, the family in Greece still get things from the rest of the family. Like the family house - which was left to my dad (it's a long story!) - they've taken ownership of it and my dad's brother who lived in America was always sending presents. It freaked me out 'cos I was with them and they all got these presents and were critical of them - like "Oh this isn't what we wanted" type thing.

Thinking back I wonder what would have happened if my dad was still around - I imagine he would have sent them money for forever.

belz
04 Dec 2007 06:32

Nice article LL, i can relate to it completely, mina in counting i think my salary takes care of a whole lot more than 10 people, but just because there's nothing i can do to help it i try to plan well, it is draining really but ayikho into engingayenza, i cannot watch my parents starve, my siblings are still at school, so you can imagine.

Honeypot
04 Dec 2007 06:35

Eish but guys this is a heavy topic but I am grateful I am not the only one facing such a situation. This also puts a strain on our relationships and our friendships because we can hardly afford going out and splurging on luxuries. We live on a shoe string budget when our peers are buying town houses and mini coopers. Being black is hard ne!

Tashi
04 Dec 2007 06:35

Sorry Lemon that was Tashi - I'm gonna delete and re-post.

Renegade
04 Dec 2007 06:35

You know, that's one of the things about being black, we have this built in need to provide for the people at home. And it is this need that hampers so much of our progress.

If you are working and no one else is, you cant just desert your family, black or white, this is a case i understand. However, people tend to become comfortable, and do not bother making an effort to find jobs or whatever, which is where it becomes a problem.

The one I hate, is the pressure that we put on ourselves, and that put on us by our family.
In the case of pressure put on us by family:
I for one, remember since high school, if I would complain about something, like if I say, "eish, these couches are old, why dont we get new ones?" My mom would say, "you will buy them when you start working", and that has stuck with me, I am currently saving up for nice couches for her. And it's more than that,most black families expect you to show that you are working by doing stuff at home, to such an extent that you do stuff not because you want to, but becaue you have to. But i am fortunate in that my mother is a teacher, and she has only got my little brother to support, and she puts no pressure on me, so everything I do at home, is out of pure want.

As for pressure we put on ourselves: I'm guilty of this somewhat. When you start working, you do want to do things at home, especially if you have a friend who did something big at home, I dont know, you just want to show that you can also do the same.

All in all, I just wish black parents can understand that they choose to have children, and children are not investments. If you have a child, dont make them feel like they HAVE to do stuff for you, the child must WANT to, it is so much more meaningful that way. And as long as you have a job as a parent, you really shouldn't be expecting anything, since your role as a parent is to ensure a good future for your child, but you find parents holding their children back because they are always taking all the money home.

And I don't mean to sound ungreatful. I am greatful for my single parent mother for raising me and ensuring I had every opportunity afforded to me, but I know(or sincerely trust), that she was not investing in her future through me, but was rather making sure that I have a comfortable future. Also, she raised me to never desert her in her hour of need, so when she needs, I'll be there financially or otherwise, so long as I am not forced.

@Lemon_Lite Sorry this was so long, but this topic is close to my heart.

andi01
04 Dec 2007 06:44

I also a victim of this, i say victim bcoz my mother kinda like forces me to help out. my younger sister is in matric and I am supposed to pay for her school fees, buy her clothes, money for taxi fare and they (my mother, older sister and older brother) only help out when they want to. I think its unfair to force kids to help out, i know its unfair to me because when i was in technikon, i had to drop out because there was no money for me to further. I had a loan for my fees, i worked for my clothes and food, but my family just couldnt afford to pay transport for me. I dropped outa school started working and then I was the family favourite, everyone suddenly knew that I am a human being, now that I am working and studying at the same time, but still I am expexted to take care of everyone else. I dont mind helping my siblings out, but I hope i can be given the liberty to do that when I can

J-Girl
04 Dec 2007 06:48

*weep weep* this matter is close to ma heart too,
i will come back
eish mara what kind of bunch are u, just when i thought u've discussed it all, qi enye imatter

sesikavincent
04 Dec 2007 06:58

Im where im today thanks to my brother who paid for my futher studies, i think the best solution is to give your sibling education (atleast a diploma) then you know they are a burden to you for a few years but once they start working they wont borther(sp) you anymore and they can also assist with educating your other siblings

but personally i dont mind taking care of my family but sometimes it does get too much.........but uzobalahlela bani

Lemon_Lite
04 Dec 2007 07:01

I don't want to pass such burdens onto my children - I'm wish by the time I so have children I will be my own person financial as passing this onto them wont be fair. I've been thru it why would I want to put my children thru it too.

@ Aquilogy... you were on the recieving end - which is why you don't see anything wrong with it.... Try putting yourself in your sister's shoes and think of her salary (at that time) and other things she wanted to do.
I love my family but if my brother didn't have a bursary - I would have done the same for him... but the question is; would you do that for your younger brother or sibling?

Lemon_Lite
04 Dec 2007 07:04

And sometimes - there's a difference between choice and being forced.
It's my choice to help my mom... My friend is forced to look after her family!! As much as one doesn't complain and doesn't mind helping out but SOMETIMES it does get to you!!

witty lady
04 Dec 2007 07:07

Iyoo, very touching.
Being black is not easy, this does not affect me directly but I have friends going through this and the bottom line is, you can not eat and drink, have fun while you family is suffering and starving, there's just no way..

myname
04 Dec 2007 07:09

mna guys i thought im alone but can u imagine supporting ur older brothers now i have 3 sons (2 older brothers & my real son) yhoo

LM
04 Dec 2007 07:15

LL, greate article indeed! I think this situation applies to blacks only.....for whites is every man for himself.

I think I'm lucky to have both parents who are working and we are only three ('children') at home. My younger sister and I are both working, so the focus will be on the last born who sat for matric this year. Our cousins are also working and the ones that I'm really close to (bana ba malome), who can ask for financial assistance from me are still young.

So far everything is fine, it's just me, me and me but somehow I feel that my father wants me to do something at home and I don't understand why. Well to cut a long story short..he expects me to renovate our old home ko gae (limpopo)...nobody stays there anymore...we only go there once in a while. My mother understands that I have got my own responsibilities and doesn't expect me to do as my father says...she only expects the occasional groceries and presents...not for me to go get a 'homeloan' to overhaul a house they don't live in just because se ke ya bereka.

belz
04 Dec 2007 07:15

And phakathi kwenyanga, they call you because they need something urgently, yu can imagine on the 15th of every month mina vele isimo sishubile, so it really stresses me out coz they think ukuthi yu not making an effort or awusenandaba nje, ilife inzima zihlobo.

Msoe
04 Dec 2007 07:17

This topic is also close to my heart, verrrry close.

I grew up with my mother and my five sisters and two brothers. I never knew my father till i was in standard three, i remember he was carriying eggs (the first time i tested it, my mom could not even afford to buy us eggs)when i first met him. I rember thinking that i like the guy, then he started abusing my mom and hitting her in front of us and having girlfriends just three houses down our street. I remember one day coming home from school and i was in high school meaning i could understand eveything that was going on in my household, my dad was standing in a corner with a young girl, old enough to be my older sister, holding hands and smooching. How embarrassed i was, i wanted to bury myself.

Anyways 9 years down the line, my dad is sick. He never paid for the house my family stayed in (he is a taxi owner), ubeyibhoza ubaba wami imali igcwala amaphakethe and woman falling left and right kuyena. I remember he tried to pay for it but it was repossesed and now i am forced to pay for it because if my family of 10 is kicked out of that house, wherelse would they go. My father is very sick right now, i have to pay everytime he goes to a hospital and seeing a doctor. At least one of his taxis still operated and cover some of the expenses but mostly it comes from my pocket. Two of my siblings have finished matric but cannot furthure their studies because I cannot afford it, not with a house bond on my shoulders. Funnily though i do not complain because i bealive that it is my responsability and it will make me a better person tomorrow and make me take care of my family.

I always get jelous when i see some girls we were in high school with or in Tech driving cars and owning flats with slush furniture. But i know that my turn is coming also its just a matter of time.

So Lemon-lite hang in there, its hard i know but its just what they call destiny. One day when everything is fine you will look back at it and smile, and think "I DID THE RIGHT THING AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF".

spice
04 Dec 2007 07:22

Haai guys quit complaining you damn well know that this is how it should be,thre's no other way ,
so me i decided to go into business seeing that my salary cannot cover all mine and my family;s needs and keep in mimd when I say family i mean my side of the family and my inlaws you see we both come from a very humble backround thou mine is betta than his ,so evryone is kinda depending on us the pressure is just too much but we got no choice we know it and we have accepted it

witty lady
04 Dec 2007 07:23

Isn't it funny how people back at home think ukuthi you have money all the time when you stay in Joburg, shuu! If only they knew how expensive life is here.

AQUILOGY
04 Dec 2007 07:25

@lemon if i had younger siblings i would do the same(provided they studied hard)

spice
04 Dec 2007 07:27

@ wityy lady you said it sista

Renegade
04 Dec 2007 07:27

@witty lady, especially if u buy a car! Dont they understand that that's minus abt R2500 on your salary, and insurance...it makes u poorer...hai...

belz
04 Dec 2007 07:29

Isn't it funny how people back at home think ukuthi you have money all the time when you stay in Joburg, shuu> You are so right, no matter how much you explain to them, they dont understand.

LM
04 Dec 2007 07:30

LL: I love my family but if my brother didn't have a bursary - I would have done the same for him... but the question is; would you do that for your younger brother or sibling?

I will help where I can, especially when I see that my parents are struggling. To tell you the truth I'm really scared about what will happen next year with my younger brother should the 'old mutual policy' my parents have been talking about doesn't materialise. I look at my salary and what I committed myself to (bills) and realise that I can only help with accomodation fees or pocket money...fela...so I'm crossing my fingers....otherwise nafsa will have to step in.

witty lady
04 Dec 2007 07:32

eeish! they keep asking me when am I getting a car and shame I'm still drowning in debts, I tell them I'll buy it when I'm good and ready.
I don't wanna buy a car and still leave it at home to catch a taxi coz I don't have money for petrol and car maintenance, iyyoo!

The poorer keep getting poorer and the rich, richer! how sad!

lepogo
04 Dec 2007 07:35

@mSOE,Lemon_Lite,myname,et al,
I respect you all,kuane yame e wetse mo fatshe...I will go kiss you guys ko punches&kisses.

Much love and respect.

Toodecent
04 Dec 2007 07:44

Hmmm very touching considering how i grew up... ! true that Witty Lady about GP and people thinking you have money.

myname
04 Dec 2007 07:45

eish wittyL u r reading my mind dear

witty lady
04 Dec 2007 07:47

@ TDC eeish mfwethu.
I- life iskorokoro sometimes you know, and sometimes it doesn't get better, just keeps on getting worse and worse.

Vhutsila
04 Dec 2007 07:50

I have been through the same thing and the results were the depression I had +-3 yeras ago, the more you do the more the family want, and yet the are brothers and sisters that are also getting paid every month qha eyabo imali yeyabo

all I can say is do not put your dreams on hold and do not let guilt be the decider in thi case. Do what is within your reach otherwise you will get all disapointed in the end where you will realise that your dreams were put on hold for nothing sometimes.

I still assist at home but if I am not able to there is nothing I can do, I am not able andingo superman bantu......I struggled with my own studies and Im still paying NSFAS to date and if you pass you get a dscount.

Amaka
04 Dec 2007 07:54

Recently my cousin asked if i could send some money for him. I usually do but this month things were a bit tight so even though i was intending to send him money it wasn't going to be the usual sum.

There were a lot of missed calls from him on Friday and since i was seriously busy decided to call him when i reach home to explain that i'd deposit the money the next day. When i was about to leave work i get an sms quoting how much he expected, the amount made my heart beat 3 times faster.

I forgot to phone him as i was so tired i fell asleep while trying to unwind on the couch but my much needed sleep was interrupted with a call from my not so sober cousin (if he slurred speech was anything to go by), telling me how he was dissappointed that i didn't deposit the money, i'm busy feeling guilty as hell when he says "My friends are gonna go without me we planned this trip..." and i start getting angry coz here i was feeling guilty when he was gonna go blow my hard earned money on a drinking spree on the same breath if he could get a job he wouldn't be asking...

To quote Witty Lady "How sad"

belz
04 Dec 2007 07:59

These family matters are depressing maan.

Vhutsila
04 Dec 2007 08:07

Amaka i feel you - and when he final get the job, and wena u need his financial assistance he will not even pick up the phone sowungulo umdikayo xa ekubiza. Eish life is a struggle to some of us ...........................

Baby-A
04 Dec 2007 08:18

We are forever paying a price for being black. As if we chose our backgrounds.

In some cases it's really understandable as you find that there really isnt any other way, but sometimes families are really just slacking off and expecting you to work for them.
I have a friend. You see he's 23, last born kokwabo, he's got three sisters a a brother. He's studying music at UCT, and mos, they get gigs and stuff, like sometimes out of the country. But mind you this is all school work, its just that sometimes they get paid for it.
He's got the whole family on his shoulders, all his older sisters are back home not working. my poor friend is on NSFAS, gets bursaries here and there, but his sisters are still expecting him to take care of them and their mother. he really doesnt mind sending money to his mom coz she's quite old. But, i've seen an sms from his sister asking him to buy "bloomers" I mean, bantu... how is that possible? umntana'bantu is a student, still. I have no idea how they expect him to take care of them They are not doing anything about their lives and all they know is going around telling their friends that their younger brother useAmerica, or useEurope.

As a result, my friend doesnt even like going home anymore. Sometimes he wishes he could just bring his mother here.

But they are his sisters, he cant just leave them, coz they again gonna say he's living a toplife, now ga a ba kgathalle.

What will we do?? It's a price we pay. umlungu went deeper than just colonising us. It's something that "the freedom to vote" and democracy can fix.

Baby-A
04 Dec 2007 08:19

I meant:
What will we do?? It's a price we pay. umlungu went deeper than just colonising us. It's something that "the freedom to vote" and democracy can not fix.

Vhutsila
04 Dec 2007 08:19

Not forgetting yourself too, nawe usebenzile kaloku and you still want to study further and have your own family one day..........hoping by then you will not be declared bankrupt.

Belz I am with you there but on the same note to know that you are not the only one in this situation and other cases are even worse , iyaphilisa wethu.

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