Last week’s ep was a bit of a downer but this one was all laughs. Nobody died, which was good, although we almost lost the schmodels in a lion attack. Lucky for them lions actually like to eat meat not just bones and hair-weaves.
The first Tyra-mail told the models to get ready to go wild. Keenyah took this to mean they were going to star in music videos. A sequel to Tyra’s musical masterpiece “Shake Ya Body”? Say it aint so!
Luckily, it was not so. The schmodels were driven out to some place that resembled dreariest England, where the rain poured down miserably. Miss J introduced them to a few friends of his, a cheetah, a tiger and a bear. Christina’s eyes were wide with fear – not that you could tell the difference – and she wondered whether she would be able to outrun the animals should they go wild. Just zap them with your eye-laser, girl!
The schmodels had to learn to pose from the animals. Now they’re getting lessons from wild animals? Hey, they can’t be worse teachers than Jay Manuel. They also had to exchange a marshmallow mouth-to-mouth with a slobbery bear because kissing bears is one of the primary skills modeling agencies look for in their models.
"Hey, kissing those girls was no picnic for me either."No animals were harmed in the making of this show but the girls came off more humiliated than the trained bear. And so it should be. J then introduced another vicious animal. The Hollow-Breasted Janice? The Lesser Orange Jay? No, it was that scariest of beasts, the Greater Weaved Tyra; scientific name Tyrus Letmetellyouboutmymama.
After embarrassing them some more and making them crawl around on all fours, Tyra had good news for them. They were going to be posing with real wild animals in Africa, specifically the southernmost tip we know so well. Pack your bags y’all, you’re going to South Africa!
The schmodels packed, got on their little cartoon airplane and landed in Cape Town where they marveled at the scenery and mountains. There’s more than one mountain? Maybe Brittany was drunk again and taking off her top, that’s where they saw the other mountains.
Keenyah and Brittany were laughing and having a gas which caused Michelle to feel uncomfortable. After all these weeks, she still felt left out. Geez, Michelle, if they haven’t run away from you screaming in the other direction by now, I think you’re fine with them. No need to hold back.
After being warned not to poke their fingers at the locals for fear of offending them (as we know, it’s a grave insult here in SA for a skinny bitch who can’t pronounce magenta to point her finger at you), it was off to a game lodge. Along the way, Keenyah snacked on a bagel or seven. A model eating? This how is groundbreaking.
Turns out that Keenyah has gained ten pounds (that’s 4.5 kg for us African types) from snacking on all the carbs she can find. Oh my god, she must have found Toccara’s secret food stash.
Now you know what to get Keenyah for her birthday.Zulu dancers greeted them at the game lodge and Brittany showed off her rocking dance moves to them. Tyra appeared and the girls were shocked to see her. Tyra Banks in Africa at the same time as the schmodels? Why, what are the chances?
Tyra informed them that South Africa was one of the world’s fashion capitals. We are? Because we have our own versions of Elle and Cosmo? I know we have SA Fashion Week but Tyra’s making us sound like Paris and New York combined. She might be exaggerating just a tad. Still, we do totally have the hottest models.
The next day, the girls were taken on safari. They saw wild animals, including a hippo which, the tour guide informed them, made one and a half tons. I resisted the urge to make a joke about Keenyah. Luckily, Kahlen made it for me. Keenyah was a good sport about it and resisted the urge to throw Kahlen into the river.
The tour guide drove them to a pride of lions and told them to be vewy, vewy quiet so as not to piss the lions off. Brittany interpreted this as “crack a few jokes and growl at them”. If the lion eats her, then it’s just natural selection. An ad break cut in and kept us in a whole three minutes of suspense as to whether any of the girls would be eaten. Like the lions would bother. They could get more meat off a flamingo.
"Please, like I'd bother. Call me when you've had a burger or two."Because Brittany had won the “pose like a bear” challenge earlier, she, Keenyah and Christina got to sleep in a luxury chalet while the other girls had to rough it outside. “Luckily, I watch Survivor,” Michelle informed us. I’ve heard she’s a big Jonny Fairplay fan.
Aiiieeeee! They've bred!Brittany’s chalet was double-booked; a while bunch of bugs were already occupying it. The three girls screamed and freaked out while the others slept fitfully in their tent.
The next morning, the girls were informed that for their next photoshoot, they were going to be dressed up as animals, chosen to reflect their personality. Bird-like Christina got an ostrich, Naima got a silent and deadly cheetah Brittany got a possibly drunken giraffe, Michelle got a skittish zebra and Kahlen got a springbok. Pretty good choices except I would have made Christina a bush baby.
Keenyah, much to her irritation, got an elephant. An elephant? Mean! Awful! Cruel! Yet I still laughed my ass off. And people wonder why models have body image issues.
The girls were decked out in their animal outfits and had to pose above a sleepy-looking crocodile. See? The predators all realise the schmodels aint worth it. Christina actually managed to smile. Maybe she has a crocodile fetish. Kahlen truly embodied her springbok, leaping away whenever the crocodile moved a millimetre. Keenyah was uncomfortable about her gut which hung over her waistline. Aiiieee! Body fat! Get it away from me!
But can she play rugby?Judging time, SA style. Tyra’s photo was of a lion, her orange weave majestically resembling a mane. The guest judge was the shoot’s photographer, named Gerda yet apparently pronounced Herta if you go by Tyra’s pronunciation.
The girls had to pose with props and act out various emotions. Christina’s portrayal of each emotion ran the gamut from ‘a’ to ‘a’. Michelle did terrifying well but everything else badly. No-one knew what the word ‘aloof’ meant.
Kahlen was deemed to have the best poses except for her version ‘passion’ so Janice and Tyra decided to demonstrate. Janice grabbed Tyra and planted a sloppy kiss on her before straddling her on the ground. Eek! I thought the bear kiss was bad but being accosted by an amorous Janice is far scarier. Between this, the J(ay)s and the occasional lesbian love triangle, this is truly the gayest show on television.
Would you let this woman near your lips?The pictures actually all looked pretty good. A scarily-springbok-like Kahlen was the best followed by Naima. I even liked Michelle’s photo for the first time ever. Still, it was Michelle in the bottom two along with Keenyah, who was criticised for having to have her gut photoshopped out.
Keenyah's photo post-photoshopping
Keenyah's photo pre-photoshopping
Keenyah was saved to eat carbs another day and Michelle finally got her damn walking papers. So the first time Michelle has a truly fierce photo is also the time she goes; fancy that. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.
See? It looks good. But why does her zebra have a Marge Simpson hairdo?
Michelle cried about how much she wanted to me top model and about how as the weeks wore on, she felt more and more comfortable about herself. Now she actually felt beautiful. Aw, that’s a nice note to end on. I won’t even make fun of her for saying that.