Can you believe that this season is almost over? It seems like only yesterday that we were introduced to twelve
hideous beautiful girls who all had aspirations of becoming a Top Model. One by one, the weakest were
kicked out for no good reason eliminated by the judges after careful consideration until only the three
pre-chosen strongest contestants remained. Now it’s time to find out who will f
ade away as soon as the cameras stop rolling become America’s Next Top Model. Will it be Keenyah, the
arrogant confident girl from
Africa the buffet table Compton? Will it be Naima, the
boring laid-back dancer from Detroit? Or will it be Kahlen, the
terrified insecure girl from Oklahom
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The final three celebrated their final-ness by checking out some penguins. Is this a Survivor-esque animal symbolism thing? Because all I can get from penguins is that they waddle and eat a lot of fish and I’m not sure I can apply that to any model other than Keenyah.
Keenyah, as represented by the fat penguin
Kahlen, as represented by the gay penguins
Naima, as represented by the dancing penguin
After a patented Ty-prah chat with the girls, it was time for the first photoshoot; a beauty-shot for Covergirl cosmetics. Kahlen grinned confidently because she knew she was good at beauty shots. Then, Jay informed them, they were going to have to shoot an advertisement for Covergirl. Kahlen’s grin faded into abject horror. Heh.
Keenyah was confident she’d ace it and was convinced she’d be a great representative for the brand. I can see the tagline now. Covergirl: the make-up for ultra-competitive bitches. Kahlen struggled to memorise her script, probably because it had words with more than three syllables and no pictures.
Keenyah's swollen headThe ad was, as expected, cringingly bad. It could only have been made worse if they had to speak in Cockney accents. Kahlen and Naima both monotoned and a madly-winking Keenyah went overboard and acted like a giant ham (which, coincidentally, was her mid-shoot snack). Somehow I don’t think current Covergirl spokesperson Queen Latifah needs to be watching her back just yet.
Time for the beauty shots. All three looked pretty good and fresh-faced. And as much as I complain about the eliminations this season, I at least thank the reality gods we got these three women and didn’t have to suffer through ‘beauty’ shots of Michelle, Tatiana and Brandy or some such combination.
If you're really that curious as to what they would have looked like, here are, in descending order, Tatiana, Brandy and Michelle's beauty shots:
As the show went to the first elimination, I realised something horrible. Janice Dickinson was only on this show for the first four seasons and thus this was her last episode. Woe! Woe! However will I cope without Janice’s crazy wisecracks and coked-up statements? Excuse me while I go pull a Kahlen and cry for no good reason.
My reaction to this terrible newsI’m back. Naima was as sad at Janice Dickinson’s imminent departure as I was and totally turned on the waterworks herself. Or maybe she was just crying over her tragic past or whatever.
The judges were split over who was best and who needed to go. In the end, Naima’s name was called out first and she was praised for coming alive for the shoot. Tyra then told Kahlen and Keenyah that each of them had what the other needed.
Keenyah was praised for her self-esteem (ie a giant sense of entitlement) and demanding attention when she walks into a room. Other things Keenyah demands when she walks into a room include doughnuts, lobster and whole roast pigs. Kahlen was praised for always posing well and having the presence of today’s top model (ie she looks like Carmen Kass).
An ad break kept us in suspense for three torturous minutes and when the show returned, it was Kahlen who got her photo. HA HA! In yo’ face, Keenyah. She was shocked to go home because she thought she had more potential than Kahlen. If by potential, you mean body fat, then yes, she does.
Keenyah's post-show modelling work has included this lovely shot of her as a hunchbacked crack addictWith the top two chosen, it was time for the final runway. Ah, but this was a runway show with a twist. The girls had to walk on water. Blasphemy! Even the great and powerful Tyra herself cannot walk on water.
Jesus shows off his fiabulous hip-swaying runway walk. Hey, Miss J said it, not me.Turns out that through the magic of special effects, it would only look like they were walking on water. They would in fact be walking on a runway slightly below the surface. Phooey. Couldn’t they at least throw a few piranhas in there for some added danger?
Kahlen was nervous and worried she would fall in. Naturally, this led to me chanting “Fall in, fall in!” as she walked the waterway. She didn’t. She summoned up all the fierceness she could muster and strode as if she was stomping “that girl who didn’t believe in herself”. Kahlen was stomping Michelle?
However fierce Kahlen may have been, Naima was fiercer. She was all “Look at me, bitch” at the audience. Oh, the fierceness! I am positively overwhelmed with fierceness!
Time for the very last judging. The first order of business for Tyra and co was to make these bitches cry because you can’t have a Top Model finale without an emotional ending to the finalists’ character arcs. Kahlen did her usual wobbly-lipped kitten act and it looked like she had the edge until Naima started weeping in a really over-the-top way like she’d just won Miss World. Ooh, Naima’s got it. We all know Tyra loves this kind of stuff.
Models are real people too! Oh, the lessons we learn on this show.
The judges conferred. Janice loved Kahlen but it looked like everyone else loved Naima. Kahlen was the girl who did well all season but stuffed it at the end, and Naima was the girl who didn’t stand out much during the season and rocked it at the end. Who would they choose?
And the winner was…Naima. Kahlen wept (shocking, I know) and Naima made this really weird facial expression and cried out joyfully. Kahlen was all sad because she realised that walking on the runway was what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Guess she’ll be abandoning those dreams of becoming a nuclear physicist.
I couldn't find an awesomely horrible picture of post-show Kahlen so here's a hamster looking fierce insteadNaima was especially happy to be representing something more than herself – she represents black people (somewhere Keenyah is screaming her objections), Mexican people, Irish people and potheads. OK, maybe not the last part.
After winning ANTM3, Naima became a successful Britney Spears inpersonator and started a garden patch in her earAnd so ends Cycle 4. Now I’m going to down seventeen bottles of prescription pills and have a really terrible boob job in tribute to Miss Janice Dickinson.
Goodbye, sweet Janice. We'll miss you