I need to help a great friend of mine and my Oprah advice ain’t working so I have no option but to ask you. The below story is all hearsay, all that my friend has confided in me. The situation is beyond desperate and she has tried all she can except the drastic move of shaking her family and children’s life.
My friend, le t me call her Suzan (she reminds me of the desperate housewife) and her husband, let me call him John have been together for some time. John is the oldest boy in his family and has 3 siblings. When John’s father passed away, the responsibility to ensure the money the father left will take care of the siblings fell on John’s head. The siblings are currently 30 (Bob), 29 (Rex) and 16 (Alice) years old. John and Suzan were already living together and she was preggies with their first child.
John was living and taking care of Bob, kinda like guiding him to self-reliance – ensuring that Bob can take care of himself. Rex, at this time was in university and came to start living with them. John and Suzan got married and the decision that Bob would take care of Rex going further was made. Bob insisted that he was not earning enough to take care of Rex and would need financial help to do so. I couldn’t understand as John had taken care of him without any assistance and a small salary without complaints. John’s new family responsibility already did not allow him to be forking out money to care for Bob and Rex as their father’s money was only sufficient to ensure that those in school can study until they get tertiary education.
Bob lived with Rex for 6 months and complained that he can’t afford to live with Rex anymore. John discussed this with Suzan and they agreed to help for a couple of months until Bob can sort himself out. Bob sorted himself out and started living with his girlfriend and quickly forgot the agreement. Rex from the onset started behaving badly and affected Suzan and John’s relationship. He wouldn’t help around the house, not even wash his own mess and basically is a slob. All he did was eat, sleep and lounge on the couch watching TV. Suzan had a number of heart-to-heart chats with him but each time it would get worse. Eventually it was 2 years living with Rex, she was pregnant again and frustrated with everyone.
During this time, the mother-in-law could not handle Alice and she was shipped over to live with John, Suzan and Rex. Alice arrived and was a model child but within a week had taken all of Rex’s bad habits and excelled at them. She failed dreadfully at school. Rex finished his degree and is said to be looking for a job. He wakes up at 8;30 to watch Generations repeat in the morning, then leaves around 12:00 and comes back around 21:00 to eat, watch TV and eventually go to bed after midnight. John has spoken to him and told him to get his act together and move out – which really resulted in more rebelling from both Alice and Rex. Suzan feels the biggest problem is disrespect and disregard.
Now, Suzan says that the only fights they have are centered around Rex, Alice and their behaviours. The age gap between her and Rex is also not helping as she is 2 months older than him. The cost of living is high and with their R3000 monthly grocery shopping, they may lose a lot of things they worked hard for. She devastatedly told me that until recently Rex’s toiletries were part of the grocery list, until she had a blow-up with John. The trend, now, she has seen is Alice brings her list of toiletries every month-end but certain items seem to be Rex’s. I have visited their home a number of times and I could see that Rex is clearly living in a hotel.
My advice has been not to force John to choose between his family and her because she will lose but her state of mind is really bad. She can’t take the strain anymore as she has had to give up a lot of things for the upkeep of John’s siblings.
Bloggers, help me find a way to help my friend to make Rex aware that, at 29, he is a burden to his brother's marriage and needs to be out in the world living, taking care of himself, making his rules about his life and effing girls up in his own place NOT moonching or lynching off this young couple.
Kindly also help me understand the psyche of a grown man who doesn’t seem to want a life that doesn’t include being in other people’s faces all the time like that.