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what to do

Written by nanah from the blog love hurts right? on 06 Jun 2008
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i met a guy recently and i think i have truly fallen in love with him. so whats the problem with that?

well he has 2 kids from a previous relationship and i havent asked about the mama. but the problem is i have my own kid and i dont know how to tell because i feel that he might just leave (its happened before) because i have my own.
but i also dont want to keep my daughter a secret coz she does need a father in her life (well hers decided that i wasnt good enof for him anymore and left me with problems from finance to raising her).

im not saying i want to introduce them but i want him to know about her and acknowlegde that i also have some one to take care of besides myself. but more so that i can see and feel if he truly does care for me like i do for him is that so wrong but help when is the right moment to tell about her?

but most of all i need time to myself just to reflect but my kid just aint getting it that her mama is in a bad spce ive been depressed for a while now and sucidal thoughts have been recking havoc in my mind lately but then agian i look at my nana and i know that everything will be alright hopefully! (been thinking of quiting varsity and staying home) but then well my daughter needs a bright future and i need mine so hopefully i will get all of these detrcutive thoughts off my mind and well try to get through the year unharmed. but rather loving and being loved back. but i love my new man and i truly dont want this little secret to end our relationship he is so big on being honest becuase at times i tend to tell some little white lies to get ahead so could she mean the end of our love or would he feel that he cant trust me again? i dont know but please bloggers help me understand me and my situation

1st article hope it aint to bad and filled with gibberish

37 Comments

zolx
06 Jun 2008 05:44

hi nanah.difficult situation you're in girl but i say you first need to concentrate on yourself be4 this man. Write down the most important things in your life, surely your daughter and yourself are on top of that list with your studies. you know mos you cant provide fully without a better education - so concentrate on those. as of uMr Man i say tell him - if you like him that much and he will stay if he truly likes. If he goes then good riddance because someone that truly loves you should accept everything that comes with you.
my 2c

Kapakapa
06 Jun 2008 06:01

shuu nanah....i wouldnt say i know when would be the right time to tell ur man about ur bambino - but all i know is he needs to know and soon, actually he should have known right from the beginning. u cant predict his reaction to the news but at least u would know where he stands. i think the sooner he knows the better.

be strong girl, life has its ups and downs and we just need to persevere - its hard sometimes - but hey you've got that cute little thing to take care of you and all she has for u is unconditional love - just hold on it will be right, have faith!!!!

mstick
06 Jun 2008 06:02

Taf neh Nanah....... errr............i dont knw but pls drain the suicidal fots out of ur head think abt ur BABA she tooo young

carino
06 Jun 2008 06:11

///////////shaking my head///////////// nc...nc...nc

Hlehle
06 Jun 2008 06:14

My 2c worth Nanah is to tell ur man that u also have a child and that is what u cud have done the first day he told u about his kids. Maybe now he'll ask why u did'nt tell the moment he told u that he has two kids but that wont b a problem coz he also have kids.

andi01
06 Jun 2008 06:24

Before I throw my Dr Andi Esmile Geurrero analysis to this, I have a few questions to ask.

i truly dont want this little secret to end our relationship , is this how u see your daugther, a little secret??
feel that he might just leave (its happened before) because i have my own. , do you blame your kid for your unfailed relationships. I think those men didnt dump you bcoz u have a kid, they dumped u bcoz they cud see u are not "accepting" ur own flesh and blood, they got scared bcoz if u dont fully accept ur own how are u going to accept them.

How old were you when you had a child?????
my daughter a secret coz she does need a father in her life - are you looking for a partner or someone to fill the space left by your ex partner, or you simple looking for anyone who is willing to play step father

Cande
06 Jun 2008 06:26

there is nothing difficult here,

this guy could tell you about his 2 kids and you accepted him, why would he not accept you with your 1 kid??

mstick
06 Jun 2008 06:33

@Andy............yoh o kgona go tshisa motho.........

Strolicious
06 Jun 2008 06:36

Andi01..............sana ngikuthulela isigqoko ,r u a shrink?...damn u good when it comes 2 matters like dis...
Nanah>>.u daugther should be ur no 1 priority,mina every man ongishelayo i end up telling him stories abt my lil boy,......i truly dont want this little secret to end our relationship , is this how u see your daugther, a little secret??
..amadoda maningi if he leaves u ,dan it's wasn't meant to be.

ngwana
06 Jun 2008 06:42

So you worried that he might be shallow?
He has his, you have yours, i dont see a problem.

Strolicious
06 Jun 2008 06:47

Ngwana>> da problem is SHE LIED.

Strolicious
06 Jun 2008 06:51

Okay what happened to Nanah.......where r u?

lucia
06 Jun 2008 06:56

I have child too and her pictures are all over my flat. And on my cellphone. So I when i meet someone i make sure i mention taht i'm a mom so that if he doen't like it then he can leave. but if it happens that it never comes up the i've got pictures of my child everywhere at my palce so if someone happens to come and see my place then they immediately get the idea. My child is currently staying with my parents. She's the best thing that ever happened to me and like u Nanah, her father decideed we are not good enough for him so i'm also financially responsible for her upbringing.

I'ts been six years and i find dating hard because some men ditch women with a child. blv me iv seeen a lot of those.

Cnglemother
06 Jun 2008 06:58

u daugther should be ur no 1 priority,mina every man ongishelayo i end up telling him stories abt my lil boy,..With me its always uboy this & that until the guy gets irritated, i lost interest in one who was shelling me coz he was not teketising uboy WTF.. Oh i refuse he's too DAMN precious to be a secret, anganya kum umntu ngowam umtwana rha!

nanah how could you lie about such a precious miracle in yo life, who cares if you dont get shagged soon enuf coz mr 2 kids rejects you. Child comes first sisi no matter what. I am not a shrink but tell that damn man about punkunus. I did not know we still had people who hide kids for love, our aunties used to do that back in the 80's to get married.

peaces
06 Jun 2008 06:58

Sisi do not ever hide or deny your child for a man.You should be boasting to the world that you have a little angel.I'm so shocked that you even call her your little secret.Isn't she supposed to be your pride and joy?Would you rather be with your man than your own flesh and blood?Your man will hurt you and maybe leave you one day coz you found him around unlike the child you created and brought to this world.My goodness the guy was obviously not ashamed about his.How can you be?I hope I don't sound horrible,but my dearest I do not get you at all shame.

Strolicious
06 Jun 2008 07:06

CngleM>>>>Oh i refuse he's too DAMN precious to be a secret, anganya kum umntu ngowam umtwana rha! AMEN.............when i talk about my Vuvu ,u cld see in my eyes uthi i love dat mpefumulo..cant imagine my life without him..............***Ohhhh nkosi yami angisamu khumbulanga kanje,i just came back home and i miss him already***

Cnglemother
06 Jun 2008 07:08

I have child too and her pictures are all over my flat. And on my cellphone. Amen halluya! the once's on the cell phone are over 500 and from the door to the fridge babyboy fotos rule!

Some men are turned off by women with kids but that gives us no right to hide our little punkunuza's.

nana, you better tell the next man the first day ekushela to avoid the secret.It could be the depression you are going through that's making you not think straight but dont do it again its unforgivable crime to hide your child from a boyfriend.

youngtodie
06 Jun 2008 07:23

if he really care about you he won't run away and if he does run its not because of your kind is that he somehow still has to grow up and be a man.Just face him and tell him straight and if it goes the other way don't blame your kid ,child is the most important thing than any man.

i

mstick
06 Jun 2008 07:39

well said Peaces..........

ocean1
06 Jun 2008 07:58

@ Cnglemom I was waiting for ur reply, u finished me with this one heheheeheheh LOL
,..With me its always uboy this & that until the guy gets irritated, i lost interest in one who was shelling me coz he was not teketising uboy WTF.. Oh i refuse he's too DAMN precious to be a secret, anganya kum umntu ngowam umtwana rha!
and this is so true sana If the guy luvs u he has to accept ur nunu as well

andi01
06 Jun 2008 08:05

@cnglemother-Oh i refuse he's too DAMN precious to be a secret, anganya kum umntu ngowam umtwana rha!- thats the spirit girl, we need more mothers like you sisi, i tell you we will have very few cases of street kids and young boys grabbing our purses.

Kapakapa
06 Jun 2008 08:05

i lost interest in one who was shelling me coz he was not teketising uboy ...
what does that mean Cnglemom?

Strolicious
06 Jun 2008 08:11

thats the spirit girl, we need more mothers like you sisi, i tell you we will have very few cases of street kids and young boys grabbing our purses........Andi01 im also a PROUD mother....

Cnglemother
06 Jun 2008 08:31

Kapakapa teketising is playing with a child doing those funny cooing sounds like punchunu-nu! nunu-lys. Its called ukuteketisa. Thanks Andi01, even a good orgasm inflicted by my Zulu man will never measure up to how i feel for my boy.

Cheers people will see you monday, Lets love these little miracles, it does not matter how they came to this life and crippled our social lives and drinking sprees .

And also be grateful to the mafackas who helped in the conception of them even if they are nowhere to be seen today, they will show their asses one day and the miracles will be presenting Kideo on KTV. Amen bazalwane!

Cnglemother
06 Jun 2008 08:34

i meant presenting on Kideo or KTV, you all know i am bad with TV channels. Cheerio!

sweetie my baby
06 Jun 2008 22:58

excellent advice, people - there is really nothing more to say, except.... "are you listening, Nanah?????"

the mummy brigade (as well as some non-mums) have come out in full force, and it's quite obvious what they think...the truth shall set you free, and no child should be considered a dirty little secret....good luck.i suggest you call your man, sit him down and tell him about nunutza.... all the best. but end it with the deception...

@ Cnglemother - And also be grateful to the mafackas who helped in the conception of them even if they are nowhere to be seen today, they will show their asses one day and the miracles will be presenting Kideo or KTV. Amen bazalwane! i like your attitude, girl!!! AMEN!!!!

sweetie my baby
06 Jun 2008 22:58

diamond
09 Jun 2008 02:18

Wow, Im proud of all the Mommas who feel so much love for their kids regardless of their situations. Now I want to have a kid NOW.

@Nanas - Enuf has been said already. My 2c worth - If u dont talk to yo man ASAP, hes going to leave U, not because U have a child, but bacause U lied to him.
Men R attracted to women who are themselves and who are unapologetic about it. So its either he accepts who U R, or he will find the nearest available gal.

nanah
10 Jun 2008 04:40

thanx and my ears are wide open.

i have been busy studying this weekend for a heavy exam on monday so i culdnt reply
yes i have told him about her and well he was fine about nothing to worry about but futhi he wasnt realy concerned as to why i dint tell him from the begining,(he kinda sensed that i was scared) but ladies and gents i here you and i promise ill never hide her again becasue i am proud to be that baby's mother
strolicious- i didnt lie i just didnt devulge the news to him thats all

and people please stop making me look like a bad mother im not its just that i have been very insecure since her dad left becoz i felt that it was her fault and stuff but now i can see that it wasnt and that she shouldnt be a prob in any relationship that i have because that person truly cares bout me they will have to understand that i have and that she comes with me sob sob

Strolicious
10 Jun 2008 05:19

nanah>>>hey you hope u made da right choice,love dat lil angel with everything u have.

carino
10 Jun 2008 06:07

Nanah..... please allow me to say this....

Im going to say it in response to these:

he kinda sensed that i was scared

its just that i have been very insecure since her dad left becoz i felt that it was her fault and stuff but now i can see that it wasnt.

1. You need to stop calling your baby a "kid". That word just has some negative feel to it, like you havent accepted her as your child.

2. What do you mean "he sensed that you were scared... nanah, were you scared to tell this man about your baby coz you feared that he would leave you??? If that was the case, then there's a problem.
You still havent accepted yourself and the state your life is in at the moment.
You need to be *whole* in order to attract a *whole* man and you can have a *whole relationship. I am sensing a whole lot of insecurities and lack of self-acceptance from both of you's in this relationship. You need to feel more confident about yourself. Treat yourself like a queen. Believe that you are who you are and no man can ever want better than you. In that way, any man you meet will be forced to respect you and to take you as the pearl that you are.

Please think about this and take it one step at a time. You have a child now... obviously you are never again going to have a relationship completey similar to what you had with her father before she was born.

Slowly accept the situation... then accept yourself.... men are just men... even if your relationship with this one doesnt work... you'll attract another one... and you'll even ask yourself... "why did i want him so badly, again??"

So, sisters, qina, uqine..uphinde uqine... and also, concentrate on the most important things.. like isikolo, for instance. relax a bit when it comes to men for now.

That's all I gotta to say. All the best finding your feet.

Unobala
Caroro

PS: make contact with my cyber sister, Cnglemother. She can give you a whole lot of rope. She's climbed this Kilimanjaro before.

mathata
10 Jun 2008 07:56

hm,hm,first thing first thing,when you met a men,you where suppose to tell this guy about the baby ,so now you want to tell him hm is good but his going to think what next did you hide,

Ok,so tell this guy about your baby n say you didnt hide it but you realy realy realy want to know him better,if you say many things his going to think you are a liar.

So just say now i trust you,but you must know i have a baby,n dont say negative things about the father of your child,when you tell him dont be all over the place,i think it will be for the last time you do stupit thing like that,your baby comes first.

N if you tell this guy n say OK,its OK ,but now is winter there if he doesnt buy your child somerthing for winter,You must know he is a (wizard more than a bam)move on

Segololo
10 Jun 2008 09:58

very very tricky... Let me re-re-re-re-read the article and advice...

Segololo
10 Jun 2008 11:14

Nanah: my parents divorced when I was 7 and until my mother was ready she did not introduce me to any of her suitors. and coming from such an environment I always condemn mamas that try to "impose" their children on the partners. I can't say that I understand your situation but as a child that didn't have all sorts of men coming and going into my life and I felt protected. AND I would most likely do the same thing; protect my children from suitors if I was in your situation especially if I have no idea how secure the relationship is.

I don't agree with you not mentioning your baby; IT SHOULD BE THE FIRST THING YOU MENTION AFTER YOUR AGE - Make sure the suitor is aware that you have a child and would rather wait until you and him are certain of your where-you-are-going before you introduce her/him to suitor. I think it is best for you to build a relationship with your suitor with all the cards on the table before you make your child a part of the crew... suitor may misinterpret your introduction at such an early stage of the relationship as an imposition or a "looking for a dad for my baby" strategy. He is not a saint either as he is coming with his own baggage but if he is serious about the relationship, he will be more than happy to meet your child and then you decide how secure you feel before you introduce them.

sweetie my baby
10 Jun 2008 11:47

go carino!!! go girl!!!!

i wish you could lecture the nation every morning, damnit! we'd be better off as a people, i swear! you'd keep us FOCUSSED!!

Firstdvd
10 Jun 2008 15:20

CARINO...U really touching the "inner voice"...Damn!

BOUTIQUE
09 Sep 2008 03:30

nanah i personally think u shud tell him bout your little girl and if he decides to leave you then he didn't love you at all... and plz don't commit suicide your girl needs you... if the guy leaves you will find the one who will love you for who you are not for what you are... the one who will hold your hand and tell you everythinh will work out just fine....goodluck gal wish you all the best

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