x close

SOUTH AFRICA'S TV WEBSITE

SOUTH AFRICA'S TV WEBSITE

ACTORS | ARTICLES | CASTINGS | SHOWS | TEASERS

Premarital Pregnancies

Written by Boikanyo from the blog ARIES on 15 Aug 2008
Favourite this post

It dawned on me yesterday that some people still think that they should get married first before they have children, but "since we're living in Julius Malema's era" (as Carino would say),is that possible though.

What i've learnt is that some of us are judgemental when so called "celebrities" fall pregnant out of wedlock, because they are supposed to be our role models.

Some of us want to have children in the near future, but, with no husbands involved. Does that make me a sinner or is it my right to choose as a person/ individual?

I'm certain that by now we all know that life is Zimbabwe ( hard). Not all of us can afford to get married.
I want a baby out of wedlock, so what do i do???

104 Comments

Floh
15 Aug 2008 19:11

Some of us want to have children in the near future, but, with no husbands involved. Does that make me a sinner or is it my right to choose as a person/ individual?
@ Boikanyo, I think you should do what your heart is telling you. Yes from the bible point of view, getting a child out of wedlock is a sin, and am not sure how true is that.

I want a baby out of wedlock, so what do i do???
Just get a clean man ( Virus free) and do your thing, as long as you will be able to provide for her/him, it's fine by me.

Firstdvd
15 Aug 2008 22:32

"NOT ALL OF US CAN AFFORD TO GET MARRIED" 110% thats true...Besides i don't think we are all entitled to get married.

Onna
16 Aug 2008 02:13

i think it was frowned upon in the old times because if u fell pregas then that would be proof that u are indulging in umdavazo.Now a days everybody just does it nje and there is no shame in that. So sana go ahead as long as u can provide for little one. They have become so expensive these days and a child really changes yo life so be ready emotionally as well. Good luck.

Foxxy
16 Aug 2008 02:31

If you say times are hard, its only gonna get harder with another mouth to feed. I think if you can help it, rather bring a child into this world with two people who care for it in case (God forbid) you die.

Centrepiece
16 Aug 2008 02:31

Listen luv if you wait for the ring on your finger first before you have a child then you will have a long wait (what if you r not interested in marriage neway?)....... as long as you can provide for your child, i say go ahead !! Its ur choice as a person/individual.

Segololo
16 Aug 2008 03:45

the decision is very personal. be clear about your true reasons for wanting 2 be a parent. it is harder than it looks 2 raise a child, even with support. Personally, i c no prob if u go at it alone. (am using my fone 2 respond, let me log in later on a pc + give u my FULL take on ur dilemma.)

Cande
16 Aug 2008 07:39

Some of us want to have children in the near future, but, with no husbands involved. Does that make me a sinner or is it my right to choose as a person/ individual?

Its a personal choice but biblical ja it is a sin

Firstdvd
16 Aug 2008 10:38

This one is for Nonny lol, DO U HAVE A BABY? I guess i'll get the answer by monday ;-)

Dimago
16 Aug 2008 10:39

I feel you Boikanyo. But do what is right for you - being a single parent is hard, i see from my siblings but its doable. So think long and hard before you decide to go at it alone. Good luck sister!

Segololo
16 Aug 2008 11:16

Ok Boikanyo, I am back... this may seem like a blog within a blog but I hope it helps someone who reads my response.. and I apologize for a long reply

Like I said before, the decision to have a child (still single) is a very personal one and you have to be clear about the decision and reasons to have one. You have to ask yourself the hard questions...

- Why do you want one?

- Who will father the child? Will the person be willing to father the child knowing it is your decision to have it and care for it? Will the person be willing to go for a full medical checkup (HIV, STD, STI) and will they be willing to reveal their past or family medical issues to you?

- Will your feelings not change, or will be strong-willed to control them, when you are preggies and hormones are pushing you to NEED a partner? AND then you turn into a needy preggy person who eventually becomes a bitter babymama?

- Will your family be supportive of your decision when you tell them you are preggies?

- How will you support it on a single salary?

- Who will support you emotionally, physically and otherwise? (otherwise covers those medical issues, non-quantifyable things like time)

- When you have to return back to work, after martenity leave, who will be taking care of the baby or will you afford to take it to creche?

Ask your friends that are single parents (both sexes), those who have children together and not married and those that are married on the joys and the challenges of having a child. this will help you understand all the drama that having a child brings.

Having a baby may seem easy, but it is very hard on everyone - the mother, the father, the child and the family - and you have to be willing to not give up on the way because the child is unfortunately uncontactable before conception if they want to be here or not AND they are a part of your life forever (even when given up for adoption)!

the mother often deals with post-partum depression. Black people sometimes deny the existance of this illness and treat women who have it as weaklings who "have just read too many books". Google it, my dear, and see if you can go through it with the support structure you may have at the time the baby is here.

the father, regardless of his willingness to make the child (sex is more fun than a crying baby) may not be as available to you as you need them to be. They may have moved on and not need or care for your constant complaints about the baby and your needs. AND regardless of their involvement post-conception, they are the childs father for life. When married, they simply have no choice! (LMAO) ok, King K is very supportive and knows that our children are our children.

the baby, oh gaad!! where do I begin? I am hoping a couple of mothers will fill you in... (without traumatising you, of course)!! BUT until that baby is self-sufficient, they are your burden... and some children never grow up and are a burden even in their 50s.. it begins with the discomfort of the first trimester, the pains and tantrums of the second trimester, the painful feet, tired and heaviness of the third trimester, the labour pains, the birth, the trauma of breastfeeding with cracked nipples, the sleepless nights, colic, the baby illnesses, the medical expense, the education costs... ok, need I go on!?

the family is always always in takeover mode when a baby is born, and everyone knows better than a new mother (oh gaad!). They all want things done their way since it IS the way to do things... and the most used statement is "YOU are alive, why would we kill your baby?" forgetting that as the mother you want to experience motherhood the best way for you.

Segololo
16 Aug 2008 11:47

Oh I ALWAYS wanted to say this... Didn't want to lose an opportunity: "Children are beautiful but demanding (and worth everything) accesories!!"

ayzo neh
16 Aug 2008 12:35

Boikanyo you chose a very bright colour sis, may be yu wanted to show that you want a girl child who will have toyz, clothes of this colour. anywayz thats cool.

umntwana dear huuu sesinye istress, but its good to have one, and believe me segololo is wright, but the ball is on your side, you can play it or uvele uyigqabhuze choice is yours darl'n (kutsho mna umzali ongatshatanga).

tha - bang
16 Aug 2008 13:33

I think its ideal to have kids within wedlock cos it gives the kid and the parents enough support.in bringing up the child,with the childs sense esteem and it minuses issues such as wranglings over pap gelt,issues to do with absent father/Mother figures developing in the child.plus it will put u in the good books of the man upstairs cos thats how he designd families.thats why i believe in marriage 1st

Segololo
16 Aug 2008 13:52

tha-bang: I agree with you on principle BUT, my dear, what happens to children of divorced parents... they find themselves in the same situation as what Boikanyo is opting for. Sometimes, not always, marriage is not guaranteed for everyone and some marriages are not built on God's word and don't last. AND if you are not willing to march a wo/man down the isle and age is not on your side, what option do you have? Are you supposed to give up on your dream to have a child?

Is the man upstairs gonna scrap people who opt for having children out of wedlock off his good boooks? some of His families somehow missed the class on being designed well and you experience such issues as pap geld, absent mother/father and poor child sense esteem which may have been avoided had both parties agreed that it doesn't work and not gotten hitched for the child...

afrolicious
17 Aug 2008 02:51

My take is that nobody is living accordingly 2 Gods will as far as sins are concerned,having a child out of wedlock its a sin yes but there are other sins that u create on daily basis,so no need 2 wory abt it cause all sins are equal ne ways(so they say)

WhiteSockGirl
17 Aug 2008 05:43

Hi Boikanyo,... Sego spelled it out,... and I think she answered your questions.

I had been struggling with the question of marriage and children for quite some time also. My many failed relationship made me realize that I am not marriage material but I do want children. Nope not only a child, but children.

Last year social services placed a 2 year old girl temporarily in my organisation's care while they were trying to find placement for her. She is an orphan who stayed with her grandmother who severly abused her physically.

I fell in love with the little girl (I called her Blommetjie) immediately and contemplating immediately to adopt her. Many children were placed temporarily in our care but this little girl just stole my heart from the first moment I saw her. But I had first to consider my circumstances, living on my own, my whole support system (family) are almost 200km \away and my friend are all based in Windhoek (270km away), and my job is very demanding. I have to travel a lot, nationally and internationally. To top it all, the little sufferred a lot of trauma under the hands of her grandmother and she would need a lot of love, care and attention.

I realized that it would be very selfish of me to adopt the little girl because I am not in a position to offer her the stable home that she deserves. It broke my heart when they finally found a placement for her in a children's home in Windhoek, six week later. I do visit her occassionally when I am in Windhoek and she is doing great. But it is still very difficult for me to walk away every time that I am visiting her.

I always wanted a biological child, my own flesh and blood, but my experience with Blommetjie taught me that I would be able to love and care l for an adopted = DNA will not affect my love for the child. Now, I am considering to adopt children but only once my life has settled down and I moved closer to my family and friends.

As for you, you have to do what your heart and head is telling you what the right thing is to do. I have met some super awesome fabulous women who are raising children by themselves and they cope. I am sure you would be one of them as long as your heart is in the right place.

WhiteSockGirl
17 Aug 2008 05:49

Sego: 'Oh I ALWAYS wanted to say this... Didn't want to lose an opportunity: "Children are beautiful but demanding (and worth everything) accesories!!"'

I also have a quote or two:

'A child is nature's away of giving the world another chance'

and my ultimate favorite

'Children are samples of our examples'

Segololo
17 Aug 2008 06:38

Believe it or not, Boikanyo... King K and I had a long chat about your dilemma last night and he had some very good advice...

King K advice: To really be able to tell if you can honestly cope and are "ready" to have a child (by yourself); offer to one of your (willing) friends to babysit a 7 months or 2 year old toddler for a morning. They could bring the baby to you around 7 (yes, that early because kids are mostly up at that time) and pick the baby up at 12. My dear, within 3 hours you will KNOW whether you can do it by yourself.

cleave
17 Aug 2008 07:05

Boikanyo, it all depends on what you believe ie. in your religion (if you have one). I am a born again Christian, and having a baby out of wedlock is a sin. I don’t know about other religions though, but in Christianity that’s the case. I believe that a baby needs both parents, sometimes this is not possible, but we need to try our best to get there. My advice to you, Boikanyo, is that you wait dear. I believe that as the youth of today, we rush things, and there is no need to. Somewhere out there is the perfect man waiting to marry you. A baby changes a lot of things. A man will come along and love you child but at the end of the wait the child is not his.
So dear, PLEASE WAIT UPON THE LORD!!!

fosho
17 Aug 2008 08:12

Hey Boikanyo. Sometimes it"s all about being ready not financially but you just feel i'm ready to have a child.
I had a child at 21. my child was not a mistake. i felt ready to have 1 and i was not financially, I was working and my boyfriend 2 but i mean my salary was just enough for my needs, But then God really does wonders sometimes. My daughter has everything i want her to have.

so yeah if you feel you ready just pray about it and a plan will come out.Well yeah the bible said it's a sin to have a child out of marriage, but as some of you guys said not all of us are gonna get married as we can't all be doctors i mean whose gonna be a teacher.

so it's all up 2 you. If you think and feel you are ready, then go 4 it

Firstdvd
17 Aug 2008 10:30

Reply from: Nonny 8/14/2008 2:30:00 PM

What about ukumitha ungashadanga? *don't kill me Cnglema I know u didn't set the trend my frriend, ur case is exceptional.......LOL*.......heard Penny is preggies as well as Tumi from Gang of Instrumentals, but as for indaba yomshado kuthule du.......

"frm TDC Blog,http://www.tvsa.co.za/default.asp?blogname=Zone14recapwithTDC&articleid=8919 "...That's the reason why I'm asking u Nonny.

Segololo
18 Aug 2008 04:24

fosho: I found your comment very very "touching" --- as long as the child is loved and cared for. God will never turn away from a child.

Toxic
18 Aug 2008 04:30

"when a child is born, so is a mother"

tha - bang
18 Aug 2008 04:33

we've all the negative stereotypes against single parenting,i really cant vouch for anyone to go with it.not to say it does not work at times,i myself am a product of that.But it is not an ideal,if u can give your child an ideal why not do that.
but to each his own way for we shall all answer for our own decisins.

Segololo
18 Aug 2008 04:41

tha-bang: I, unfortunately, am a product of the "ideal" but ended up in the opposite situation. My parents were married when I was concieved, they divorced and I was raised by a single mom... I endured all the things that every child born out of wedlock experienced. I use the word unfortunate because I did not see any benefits of this "ideal" situation called marriage.

I am now married and take my marriage quite SIRIUS so my children were born in the ideal sitution and I pray that King K and I raise our children together and grow old ... end up sharing dentures because we can't tell them apart (bad eyes) LOL! Uuurgh!

BUT I wouldn't judge nor look down upon those who make the decision to go at it alone. I believe that having a child is God's way of saying he hasn't lost hope on the world so any child born and properly taken care of and loved should not be looked upon as not God's will.

carino
18 Aug 2008 04:44

I think its a choice.... and its also about the basis of values and standards on which you measure your life.

There's no right or wrong, good or bad... You just need to establish the standard by which you measure your life. Nna I measure my life against the ultimate Truth being Jesus Christ therefore Christianity, so having a child out of wedlock is a no-no and a boo-boo according to my outbringing... so i can never ever dream of having a child and not a husband.... that can only happen by mistake, and i will still feel bad and i'll have to ask for forgiveness from the Most High God Almighty and be prepared to suffer the consequences.

So, yha, it's all about the values and standards.
And remember, Life is not black & white, it's the grey areas that make us human.

Cnglemother
18 Aug 2008 04:44

I was not ready, was unplanned but i cannot trade him for anything in this world. I still think things would have been better and different if i was married . I guess i am sinner but GOD knows i love my child. Even loads of money & lavish lifestyles dont make it easier (look at Mel B or Liz Hurley). I dont know what to advise u Boikanyo but u know what suits u and its your choice at the end of the day.

cleve
18 Aug 2008 04:44

Guys I cant get to the Nkuli the man snatcher blog, please let me know what is happening???

Hlehle
18 Aug 2008 04:48

If u feel ready i dnt see any reason why u shud not have a baby. As u have stated all the reason why u want to have a child without the wedlock then its ture and understandable.

Go for it if u see it that way.

tha - bang
18 Aug 2008 04:51

sego : i can totally relate cause thats my story too and its because of that i wouldnt want to have a child out of wedlock or to be a single parent and I hope and belive that my soon to be fiance understands that and shares the same value as me on this topic.
but like i said, to each his / her own way, you live with the consequences of your choices not I.

cleve
18 Aug 2008 04:55

I had my child out of wedlock, I was so ashamed becuase it was not my wish to have a child out of wedlock. (why did I open my legs then?? I still ask myself that question because it cahnged my life for good/bad. I really wish I didn't have him out of wedlock or I was sure of the person I wanted to be the father of my baby.

The thing is I wanted to have an abortion when I found out. I nearly had him aborted I chickened out while I was a Marie Stopes. Anyways, I didn't do it for myself but for the father of the baby.

I wanted to have an abortion because he had a steady girlfriend and I was the chick on the side. So I didn't want my child to grow up without a father/ or him having to stick with me because I was carrying his child. He begged and pleaded with me not to abort. He was crying and told me he wanted to be with me and dump the girlfriend. I believed him and I thought it would be cruel to kill a baby anyway. I had my baby but I wish I had waited longer and not had a baby then

I don't regret having my baby, he loves me and I am his hero. But I just wish I had him at a later stage, because I can't give him what he deserves. (emotionally)

tha - bang
18 Aug 2008 05:01

Cleve hopefully one day your child will aprreciate all that you've done for them and more.sweet

Lela
18 Aug 2008 05:13

For those who are Christians, sex before marriage is the sin not the child. God knows every child before they are in their mother's womb. Xa sekenzekile umntwana akasosono tu.

pullie
18 Aug 2008 05:17

eissshhh........!!!...Cleve!

tha - bang
18 Aug 2008 05:24

For those who are Christians, sex before marriage is the sin not the child. God knows every child before they are in their mother's womb. Xa sekenzekile umntwana akasosono tu.
very true lela.

Cody
18 Aug 2008 05:34

when you are preggies and hormones are pushing you to NEED a partner?

huu weee! you can say that again Sego, esp the emotional and physical part, but dont worry Boikanyo, God always has a plan, he will never leave you no forsake you, i am living proof.

it begins with the discomfort of the first trimester, the pains and tantrums

Dont remind me, i am soooo glad i passed that stage, im enjoying the pregnancy now.

"when a child is born, so is a mother"
OMW Toxi, that is beautiful and so true, i have never liked kids that much or payed any attention to them, nowaday i find myself buying this and that, putting money away for my child's arrival, when im eating and there a child around, i just give it to the child, it is just sooo amazing. I know it will be difficult, but it will be worth it in the end.

if i had a choice, i wouldnt have been preggies now, but time has made me accept this little life im bringing into this world, although it will be hell, suddenly i can see that there are more important things in life, than parties, cars, shopping etc. when i saw her on the sauna, i cant stop looking at her, i just fell inlove with this person i havent even met, i am ready to face all the emotions, trauma, sleepless nights that comes with her, what i know is that, although it will be traumatizing at some stage for me, i can handle anything because i just love her more than anything in this world and she is worth it.

nna i recommend having a child out of wedlock, only if the biological clock is close to being shut down and you can see that the marriage is not happening, it is not nice to grow without having a child of your own. I think a child is a blessing whether in a marriage or not.

it is very unfortunate that it is a sin to have a child out of wedlock, but i know that the God that i am praying is a loving and forgiving father, i know he has already forgivin me, for that. it is very touching to have someone who will love you unconditionally and effortlessly. I am truely thankful. Married or not.

Cnglemother
18 Aug 2008 05:44

I hope and belive that my soon to be fiance - chesa Thabzozo! iyang'chaza ke le ou fosho!

i know what u mean cleve.

faraimagic
18 Aug 2008 05:49

Life ...Hard?mara that shudn't stop you for some love!!

Cnglemother
18 Aug 2008 05:54

Cody it will be all worth it at end, wait until he tries to say masimbakho (yoz will say it in tswana ofcoz) in his toddler language oh so cute!

Lungsta08
18 Aug 2008 05:55

hey boikanyo.i hear ur story!100% girl and i agree with u.i feel that this whole marriage thing is overrated,its 2008,we the youth of today have somany things and advantages,opportunities that neva existed bak then,i dont c y u shudnt have a child out of wedlock!!??i know somany of myfrends that wer raised by single mothers and they`re doing well for themselves!!!!really!!guys!!its 2008!!!yes,it is a sin biblically speaking...mara,rite now,rite here,this is life!...

in closing...as long as u have ur *bleep!* in order,and u know exactly how u`ll maintain ur standard of living with ur babyboy(do pray its a boy!!)u go ahead girl...

Pooky
18 Aug 2008 06:13

masimbakho ....Cnglmom what are you teaching umntwana heh??..LOL

Cody
18 Aug 2008 06:18

wait until he tries to say masimbakho triple lol at Cngle!!!!! kwa kwa kwa. i will slap that mouth until he knows what language to use with me.

Pooky
18 Aug 2008 06:31

and what happends when a child is concieved through rape, is it still a blessing from God since it is said that all children are "blessings" from Him??? and is it still a sin if you abort it since abortion is mostly considered as sinning??..........................just a thought

carino
18 Aug 2008 06:46

Pookzzz, what you are getting into is a different argument altogether. I dont think this article here is trying to establish whether its right or wrong to have a child out of wedlock... I know it was inspired by Nonny's comment in another blog last week and i know for sure thats not what Nonnzz was tryina say.

I think the argument here, is... why does it seem like Pregnancy before Marriage is now the new Black? It has now been accepted as a norm, a culture....not should we or should we not. Coz, I will repeat, we are all different and we believe in different things..what works for me might not work for you, whatI aspire may not be be what you want to be...

So, the trick here is, it looks like pregmancy out of wedlock these days, has aken the homosexuality route... something that was not acceptable at first and was deemed untraditional, but we've now accepted and we live with.

Pooky
18 Aug 2008 06:57

.God knows every child before they are in their mother's womb. Xa sekenzekile umntwana akasosono tu.

Pookzzz, what you are getting into is a different argument altogether
I know Carino.......my Q was based on the above statement, it just prompted something i've been meaning to inquire for a long time...i've even asked my aunt this maara naye wahlulwa ukundiphendula so i thought i'd get an answer from amabloggaz..

Renegade
18 Aug 2008 07:02

I hope and belive that my soon to be fiance -- Eish, something about that line brings a smile to my face.

Orie
18 Aug 2008 07:03

Boikanyo, Boikanyo........
Sin/ no sin. A child will ask you where the father is, what are you going to say? (hit by a train, passed away).I think having a child withought a father is depriving ur child an opportunity of a life tym unless if something really happend. U must remember that your child will play with other kids showing him/ her their toys and saying my day bought me that and yours will be saying my uncle this and that.... Is that what you want for ur child????
Think twice, Every1 needs a family, we just try to convinve ourself that we can make it alone because man are scarce this days. Dont do something that u might regret in the future.

In/ Outside marriege is your choice but dont have a baby purposefully knowing you dont need the father. Dont still the joy of ur child okayyyy

carino
18 Aug 2008 07:10

I hope and belive that my soon to be fiance -- Eish, something about that line brings a smile to my face.

Eish, Rene, I thought i was gon keep quite about this line...but it really got me quite emotional, as well.
You know I pray for tha-bang, kwalamalanga... trusting God that this soon to be what-what girl appreciates the great guy that he is. Coz there's very few tha-bangs out here and i hope she realises that she's a lucky fish, and she wont mess him around.

Segololo
18 Aug 2008 07:15

Orie<<A child will ask you where the father is, what are you going to say? (hit by a train, passed away).I think having a child withought a father is depriving ur child an opportunity of a life tym unless if something really happend.>> I disagree with you. I know my father and may have never had to ask who he is but it has not brought me any joy in my life. He is just my father, that's it... nothing less or more. DNA donor! anyways, I don't think if a child doesn't know their father it is anything to be envious of when others know theirs. Some fathers are just there and not really there... AN opportunity of a lifetime, it may not be. Boikanyo needs not worry about that but raather that she raises her child to have such a strong personality that what s/he doesn't have is not overshadowed by what s/he does have.

Orie
18 Aug 2008 07:17

kwakwakwa, Rene and carino/////
I once sang the soon to be hubby song...very funny

carino
18 Aug 2008 07:24

But say i was tha-bang's soon to be what what... next thing i see this comment...
tjo tjo tjo...

Renegade
18 Aug 2008 07:24

I don't think the issue is having a child without a father, but rather a child outside marriage. Or maybe I have the wrong end of the stick.

Carino, we are on the same page

carino
18 Aug 2008 07:26

I once sang the soon to be hubby song...very funny

But odie, the difference here is, tha-bang is the man. what happened with your song???

Renegade
18 Aug 2008 07:26

But say i was tha-bang's soon to be what what... next thing i see this comment...
tjo tjo tjo...

Which comment? The soon to be...lol! Then i guess the soon-to-be is no longer a soon-to-be, but a now now thing.

Thobeka Jeli
18 Aug 2008 07:27

do we have sperm dornas apha emzantsi ? if there is go for it mntwana sekhaya but if there is not uzokhumithiswa ngubani or unaye umntu omthembileyo cause ndiyabona you can take care of lomntwana umfunayo go girl there is nathing stoping you but uqaphele

Orie
18 Aug 2008 07:28

Sego:: M talking about situations where the child loves the father and the mother doesnt... it is not coool.. there are those fathers who want to be there but are not given the opportunity

Toodecent
18 Aug 2008 07:32

Ehehehe I

Toodecent
18 Aug 2008 07:32

Ehehehe I was

Toodecent
18 Aug 2008 07:32

Ehehehe I was once thinking

Toodecent
18 Aug 2008 07:32

Ehehehe I was once thinking of

Toodecent
18 Aug 2008 07:32

Ehehehe I was once thinking of things that

Toodecent
18 Aug 2008 07:32

Ehehehe I was once thinking of things that this

Toodecent
18 Aug 2008 07:32

Ehehehe I was once thinking of things that this blog is

Toodecent
18 Aug 2008 07:32

Ehehehe I was once thinking of things that this articl is talking

Toodecent
18 Aug 2008 07:32

Ehehehe I was once thinking of things that this articl is talking about,

Toodecent
18 Aug 2008 07:32

Ehehehe I was once thinking of things that this articl is talking about, ukuthi