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Written by EAP from the blog BI-POLAR on 01 Oct 2008
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Am a 23 year old woman, working on contract for a large financial organisation. I have a 2 year old baby and a terminally ill father, my father.

My daughter's father died about 2 years ago in an apparent "accident". I prefer to call it that coz details of his death are still a mystery and the person in charge of the botched inquest says "investigations are still ongoing" though we are yet to hear about any developments. My man's probably way past decomposed and we still have question marks hanging over our heads.

His body lay in the morgue 4 amper 4 weeks while his family busy squabbled about a 2nd autopsy. In the end it was not done and he was buried, looking really bad. Most people resemble dolls when their spirits have left their bodies, they look so peaceful, as if you can wake them. But him? You could see there was no life in that corpse, he waas so badly decomposed, they cudnt even dress him. They put that dress-looking cloth, that only leaves part of the face visible. Enough about that, that's a topic for another day

Am writing this blog coz I've got nowhere to run, no one to talk to. My friends, my family, my colleagues all think am doing just fine whereas am dying inside. My man's death was so abrupt, it left me shell-shocked. I'm paranoid about every little thing now. I mentioned earlier that my father is terminally ill, he has cirrhosis of the liver. Was diagnosed two weeks before Manto. Man has been doing well since the diagnosis but is back on the bottle. What is wrong with him? Why can't he see that he's hurting us? Me, his last born who became a widow @ 22? Does he want me to be fatherless on top of that? My biggest fear right now is losing my papa. I go from day 2 day xpecting that dreaded phone call. Is this how am meant to live my life? Constantly on edge? Death is cruel, it robs you of that peace of mind. Am scared of experiencing that pain again, especially with someone I've known all my life. My protector, my nurturer, my sorrow.

I've met someone, nice guy, good looking too. It's bn just ova a 3 months now & I think am whipped. We've had a couple of fights already, mainly ova his phone & the many females calling/smsing him. Yes, people have friends but I just have this uneasy feeling about him. What if they really are just friends & am blowing things out of proportion? Maybe I moved on too quickly, maybe I'm NOT whipped and it was just my loneliness that caused me 2 make bad judgements? Maybe I should have waited a bit longer before getting back in the game. Sometimes I feel guilty & think am neglecting his memory, that by moving on I'm somewhat forgetting him, like am dispensing off him.

71 Comments

Firstdvd
02 Oct 2008 00:12

EAP, I wish i could help here. I'm sorry about your daughters father. Now your dad is hurting you(indirectly). For sure you have to express to him how badly is he hurting you...But how? Hope some bloggers we'll be more helpfull to this.

EAP
02 Oct 2008 01:55

Before he was diagnosed, he was drunk everyday, reeking of alcohol but denied he was addicted. We'd always find bottles of J&B stashed in the most ridiculous places, behind the sofa, behind the toilet, under the table in his study, under the seats in his cars.

Even after vomitting blood clots and his subsequent hospitalisation, he never admitted to having a problem. He got a scare though and would cry every day when we had to leave him behind in the hospital. My father, my rock - breaking down like that, like a 3 year old. He was phoning us every day in those two weeks and if I skipped a visit, he would ask for me.

Thought he was done with the bottle for good, now this. Haai, aretse

Toodecent
02 Oct 2008 02:02

This is very touching....! Sometimes I feel guilty & think am neglecting his memory, that by moving on I'm somewhat forgetting him, like am dispensing off him. >>> I think wherever he is he would have wanted you to be HAPPY... !

youngtodie
02 Oct 2008 02:05

hey dear ,i understand exactly what you are going through.Let me tell u ,death is something that u don't get over easly,i have lost 2 angels in a space of 5 months.I can tell family and friends think i'm coping but i'm not.I have lost weight due to stress,some of body parts aren't working due to stress. i have been in and out of relationships trying to find happiness,i end up being use by guys and it doesn't end there , i lie awake every night trying to figure out why and i cry everyday.I finally told someone about it and he suggested cancelling ,i've been there for 3 months and i'm fine after the cancelling but two days after it all comes back as if i see myself going the same thing again.

there's lot of things ,for example i come from an abusive family where parents fights. ALL in all I'm not happy ,i'm lonely i feel as if it's just me agaisn't the world.I can only say talk about with a professionally maybe that may help.don't bottle up everthing.

Best-Achiever
02 Oct 2008 02:27

Oh Noo ..EAP and Yongtodie

I'm so sorry to learn that about you guys. But i think you both need ime to heal, time to find peace with what happened to you guys. I can only suggest that you take time to see councilors and speak to them everything that is in your heart, you must also see the social workers about your father(EAP) maybe they might advice you on what to do. But for myself, my hope is in the Lord Jesus Christ, there have been times in my life when i felt like He has left me, but in times like that i meditate on His promised(google God's promised) Guys, talk to God find a quite place and tell Him everything that you are feeling, it will feel strange at first pt as you keep on talking you'll feel ike He is Listening and indeed He will be Listening. Try to speak to people who are grown in the Lord, might it be pators or Elders, join prayer meetings. Lastly P.U.S.H (Pray Until Something Happen).

i have recently lost my sister(my mother's younger sister's daughter), her mom passed away a long time ago, she had a 3 year old cute boy, before she died i went to see her at the hospital, the only thing she said to me on that day was "sisi, please look after my baby boy, im trusting you with him", mind you i dont have a babyf my own, i never cried so much in my life, i tried to ask her to change that statement but she failed to talk again, on my way from the hospital, i got a call that she passed on, just minutes after i left. We did everything to bury her wwith dignity and after the funeral i took a baby, he now stays with my mother, i go visit him everymoth, he calls me his mother and it pains me when i see him everytime ... i 've been asking the Lord Why me, until my mother asked me if i am not worthy to be trusted by the Lord ... everything that happen to us is because of the trust that the Lord has in us ... so ke be strong Ladies and know that the Lord trust you so much

ta

EAP
02 Oct 2008 02:27

The only counselling I had was about a six weeks after he died and about two weeks after his burial. The psychologist told me that of all the bereaved people she's counselled, I look the strongest, I look like I am dealing with my loss. We have counselling services here at work and I always tell myself that I'll take advantage of it but I lways "feel better" and end up thinking I don't need it. Then I get days like this where I just wake up depressed, can't explain why. I can't connect to people and sebsequently push them away

Best-Achiever
02 Oct 2008 02:34

EAP ... take advantage of that counselling, make an appointment today, Please .

belz
02 Oct 2008 02:41

EAP: Nothing beats the Power of God, you can do counselling but as long as you dont cry and trust in the Lord, you will always feel the same thing over and over, trust the Lord to help you deal with the pain, trust him to pave a new way of living for you now that you husband is gone, trust him with everything, speak to him as BA has already mentioned. Your situation ibuhlungu gal but i promise you you will feel better knowing that even if friends and family think you are strong, there is one person you can show your weakness, who is GOD!!! he is the only person who can make you stronger. Much love and peace gal!!! Qina love.

monchooza
02 Oct 2008 02:42

its pains me to read such things that other people go through when some of us are stressing over who has to do the dishes....Sisi be strong...keep on praying(i know you are)...God will never fail you...even in times like these HE IS STILL THE LORD, AND HE LOVES YOU..

carino
02 Oct 2008 02:49

Go on your knees, babygirl... Thats where all the answers are at.
Also, where are you? CT or JHB?

pariri
02 Oct 2008 02:53

@ Eap, I'm so sorry about ur babby daddy's death, I'm not very good with words this is sooo sad and when things like these happen u can never know why sometimes even feel like God doesn't love u but never lose faith in him,
be strong gal for ur daughter as well and pray for ur dad with time things will get better.
don't bottle things up cry everyday if u have to just allow urself to heal.
youngtodie, be strong too gal

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 02:53

Firstly EAP, I want to salute u for having the courage to share this peice with us. I tell u gal, I have never been so touched by a TVSA article. WOW hey, u make me realise that in life we sometimes complain and whine about the most petty things, yet there are people like u that are fighting bigger battles.

I think u need professional help, like going for counselling coz u really have of issues, that u need to dicuss with someone. It saddens me when u say that u have no-one to talk to, and I think that since u can't open up to ur friends and familty, perhaps speaking to someone u don't know will be better coz u will not have the added fear of being judged.

As for ur father, u need to talk to him, and tell u how much it hurts u to see him continuing with his alcohol addiction, even though he knows that he is not well. Tell him, how much he means to u and he needs to seek help and take extra care of his health. And my darling, should he unfortunately pass away, u must know that God never gives u a burden that is too heavy for u to carry. So cherish the fact that he is still alive and don't focus too much on his passing.

In terms of the guy that u just met. I am kinda worried about the many females calling & smsing him are they just friends or is it more? Then on the other hand I am concerned that maybe it's ur paranoia that is making u miss an opportunity to fall inlove again.

I am sorry of the tragic way in which u lost ur husband. But u can't hold urself back by thinking of what if's, he's gone now and I am sure he's in a better place and u need to accept that. In moving on with ur life, it doesn't mean u are disrespecting him and it also doesn't mean u have forgotten him. It just means that u acknowledge the fact that u have mourned long enough and u realise that even though, ur life will not be the way it was with him, u are willing to appreciate the fact that u can still move on and smile and laugh and just basically enjoy life without feeling any guilt for it.

Goodluck gal, u have really touched me in an amazing way, I am actually hoping that after a montrh or so u will still be around at TVSA to sortof wite a follow-up and more positive looking blog. Don't lose hope, God loves u and u are welcomed at TVSA.

Shuga babe
02 Oct 2008 02:55

EAP>>>>>>> my baby's father was barried in Sydenham Cemetries here in Durban 3 years ago but because my daughter was too young to visit her father's grave, she turned 9 years on September 6,

So i took her to visit the Grave, only to find that they've Rebarried somebody else on top of him 5months ago. I was so shock, since then she's asking me so many questions some are so shcking. but I'm trying so hard to let it pass.

So babes I know what are feeling right now its so hard for you, kuzomele uqine Ntomabazane konke kuzodlula. u'll feel better soon, and I mean much better

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 02:58

i lie awake every night trying to figure out why and i cry everyday.
Oh youngtodie, from the day u told me the reason for chosing ur username, I knew u were a little survivor. So keep on going for that counselling and also pray constantly.

carino
02 Oct 2008 02:59

On My Knees :

♫♫There are days when I feel
The best of me is ready to begin.
Then there’re days when I feel
I’m letting go and soaring on the wind.
’cause I’ve learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive.

I get on my knees, I get on my knees;
There I am before the love that changes me.
See I don’t know how, but there’s power
When I’m on my knees.

I can be in a crowd
Or by myself, in almost anywhere
When I feel there’s a need
To talk with god; he is emmanuel.
When I close my eyes no darkness there,
There’s only light.

I get on my knees, I get on my knees;
There I am before the love that changes me.
See I don’t know how, but there’s power
In the blue skies, in the midnight
When I’m on my knees.

I get on my knees, I get on my knees;
There I am before the love that changes me.
See I don’t know how, but there’s pow’r
When I’m on my oh, when I’m on my,
When I’m on my knees.♫♫

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 03:01

So i took her to visit the Grave, only to find that they've Rebarried somebody else on top of him 5months ago. I was so shock, since then she's asking me so many questions some are so shcking. but I'm trying so hard to let it pass.
OMG Shuga babe, that is so sad, u are so couragous I admire u, uhlezi ujabulile uphapha lana kanti nawe unezinkinga zakho obhekene nazo. Eish gal, keep trying to let it pass, and vele that is just the body I'm sure his soul is at a much better resting place.

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 03:02

Carno ,who sings that song, I wanna listen to it on youtube manje, sengivele ngamsori nge all of a sunday.

carino
02 Oct 2008 03:06

@Nonny

Jaci Velasquez or Nicole C Mullen

Shuga babe
02 Oct 2008 03:12

its so hard when there's 9 year old involve, but will keep her going untill she's old enough to understand.

EAP, U have to see somebody who's going to help u to handle some dificult and imotional questions from your daughter. and gal moving on, u have to heal totally from your loss than u can move on.

Andplease do not Compare your new boyfriend with him otherwise u'll endup a single for a very long time.

Best-Achiever
02 Oct 2008 03:17

It is true that everybody we meet is fighting some kind of a battle .... Guys, There is nothing IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD.

pariri
02 Oct 2008 03:23

yhoooo Shuga babe that's shocking indeed !!! hectic stuff gal
but I'm sure ur child will understand better when she's older

carino
02 Oct 2008 03:25

Nothing is Impossible
Jana Long

I saw a friend the other day
She said she was feeling down
I said come on we need to pray
And it will turn your life around
Impossible situations
God will turn your trail into a celebration

CHORUS:
When the storms come
And the winds blow
With God, nothing is impossible
He will help you
His love will guide you
With God nothing is impossible

Now if you feel there's no way out
And your back's against the wall
You need to know without a doubt
He will answer when you call
Impossible situations
God will turn your trails into a celebration

CHORUS

Just know that with God you can do anything
So just open up your heart and faith will give you wings

If you're feeling there's no way out
And you need to know without a doubt
Nothing is impossible

carino
02 Oct 2008 03:27

PY
02 Oct 2008 03:33

Dont know what to say (with tears in my eyes)...Sorry .....EAP, youngtodie, Best-Achiever....

carino
02 Oct 2008 03:43

It is true that everybody we meet is fighting some kind of a battle ...

hahahah.. thats my quote right there...

SMILE: everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

BOUTIQUE
02 Oct 2008 03:56

i am speechless, i thot i had a lot of problems and clearly not... i really don't know what to say ada than trust in God for he will never leave nor forsake you.

Beyonce
02 Oct 2008 04:00

EAP-- your story is very touching my sister, I hope you find strength and courage.

Guys Im so emotional right now, all the stories that are coming up are just too painful, I pray that you all find peace in God.

belz
02 Oct 2008 04:05

Shuga babe, that is shocking!!!!! carino: i love those Jana Long lyrics.

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 04:05

Guys Im so emotional right now, all the stories that are coming up are just too painful, I pray that you all find peace in God.
@ Beyonce, as painful as these stories are, I kinda prefer them, than the usual blogs, coz at the end of the day u take something meaningful from them and hoepfully the writer also gets some form of comfort and help.

Best-Achiever
02 Oct 2008 04:06

thought i must share this with you guys

He Keeps Watch

Today's Scripture

“The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch upon the evil and the good” (Proverbs 15:3).

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria

Everyone has seasons when they feel overwhelmed by the busyness of life. In fact, one of the tricks of the enemy is to get you so caught up in the everyday “hustle and bustle” so that he can distract you and make you feel disconnected from the Father. But no matter how overwhelmed you may feel, you can find rest in knowing that the eyes of the Lord are upon you. He sees everything you are going through and everything you are facing. He knows where you are right now, and He knows how to get you to where you need to go. He knows what you need, and He knows how to provide for you.

All He asks is that you stay in faith and obey His Word. The Psalmist said, “I have been young and I have been old, but I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging for bread.” Remember, God is faithful! He’s keeping watch over you. He’s keeping watch over your family. He’s keeping watch over His Word to bring it to pass in your life! Stand strong today knowing that you serve the God who sees and makes a way for you!

A Prayer for Today

Father in heaven, thank You for watching over me and making a way even when there seems to be no way. I trust that You will never leave me nor forsake me. I bless Your name today and always. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

BOUTIQUE
02 Oct 2008 04:08

i agree with you on that one @ Nonny and gape we get to see that we not the only one's with problems, ada ppl out there are worse than us..

EAP
02 Oct 2008 04:12

@ Carino - I'm in Pretoria

@ Nonny - I don't really have a problem with him having a 100 female friends as long as there's nothing sinister going on. There's an ex girlfriend that phones once in a while, they had an amicable break-up and though I get threatened sometimes and I don't go the best-friends-after-breaking-up route, I kinda understand their friendship. There was a particular chick we've had big fights over, she was sending him smses that just didn't go down well with me, such as "I miss you", "I love you", calling baby. He kept proffesing they are just friends but our last fight (last Monday) was just the last straw for me. Gave her a good talking to then told him to go think long and hard about what he wants and while he does that am not in his life anymore. That's when he begged my ass not leave him, then he phoned the chick right then and then, put her on speaker phone and told her the smses have to be stop coz it's getting between him and his "wife". Too overdue if you ask me. Didn't ask him to do any of that, I was just tired of fighting over the same thing and offered to bow out coz I was not prepared to settle for that. He could've done that a long time ago, it didn't have to get to that. I like him though and apart from the cellphone (who the hell invented this thing), he makes me very happy. Spoils me, treats me well

I try not to compare him to my dearly departyed but I do sometimes find myself wishing he were still around. He was my best friend and I could talk to him about anything, even when we were fighting, he would understand what am getting at and where I come from. We were on the same intellectual page. This one on the other hand is not well-off, just manages to make ends meet and is not an intellectual. But those things I've learnt to accept and am compromising

@ Shuga babe - That's some hectic stuff there. So sorry to hear that. My baby daddy was from King in the EC and was buried there, am working in Pretoria, baby lives at home in Limpopo with mom and dad. haven't been to his grave since the burial, someone suggested that going there would help a lot but it's far. Besides that, his family turned their backs on us just weeks after he was buried and they'd benefitted from his estate. I ended up giving up on them and also stopped phoning and sending pictures. His mother phoned all of a sudden a month ago asking why I had stopped communicating with them. Hello? I used to phone them twice a week every week for 3 months straight and they didn't bother to even ask how the child is doing

I gave them some money to buy a headstone, don't know if it has happened. But there hasn't been an unveiling thus far. I knew her contacting was too good to be true coz last week she phoned asking when am gonna send them money. Am not bitter anymore at the way the treated me and my nana after the funeral but is it really my responisbility to maintain them? I was not married to him. I don't have a lump sum to give them and I can't be sending them money every month. My daughter gets some money every month which she'll get till she's 18 or 21 but that goes straight into a fixed deposit. I can't do that to myself. Is it right what she's asking of me? BTW, he has three other kids by different women, all older than mine. All revealed at the funeral

Having said that, I guess I HAVE been through a lot in a short space of time. I was angry at him for a long time that I refused to mourn. Angry coz of the sudden death, the kids, we were also having some issues around that time and I hadn't gotten over them. Plus my dad had just gotten sick at the time.

However, I don't for one moment think God has left me. I know he

carino
02 Oct 2008 04:12

@ Beyonce, as painful as these stories are, I kinda prefer them, than the usual blogs, coz at the end of the day u take something meaningful from them and hoepfully the writer also gets some form of comfort and help.

And i repeat after you, Nonnzzz...

Cande
02 Oct 2008 04:16

EAP_ No counselling is better than GOd & prayer!!! trust in those two!!

Cande
02 Oct 2008 04:20

Shu EAP- some hectic things happened to you neh!!
and NO its not your responsibilty to send his parents money, you guys were not married mos..

BOUTIQUE
02 Oct 2008 04:24

one other thing that you shud always remember is dat God will never put a stone you won't b able to turn, meaning he knows you will be able to get over this, you are strong and capable of doing so.... and He also said that HE IS THE WAY THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE, u shud always get back to him, God takes time to ansa but b patient coz good things come to those who wait

Best-Achiever
02 Oct 2008 04:27

Bloggers .. you are such sweethearts ... EAP you are much stronger that i thought ..keep strong gal ...and you are wise for investing your nana's money

pawagie
02 Oct 2008 04:49

EAP-i believe we all go thru a certain phase in life to make us stronger,there are times..we jus feel like giving up coz no-one understands wat we are going thru..

EAP.all of this jus come to pass..i know..i'm talking from experience..i'v been thru alot EAP..i lost both my parents wen i was still a little girl..
my relatives havn't been so supportive,i had to take care of my little sister and i to survive..
Thru Gods grace i managed,the Lord gave me a job..he blessed me in so many ways becoz i confided in him...

EAP-everyone has a story to tell-but the bottom line is u have to give ur story a haapy ending..

EAP start living in Faith...do

pawagie
02 Oct 2008 04:49

pawagie
02 Oct 2008 04:50

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 04:52

LMAO @ Pawagie repeating EAP's name a 100 times. U remind me of primary school, starting each sentence with the same word.

pawagie
02 Oct 2008 04:53

(sorry peeps i keep pressing 'enter' i'm too emotional right now..)

EAP-i believe we all go thru a certain phase in life to make us stronger,there are times..we jus feel like giving up coz no-one understands wat we are going thru..

EAP.all of this jus come to pass..i know..i'm talking from experience..i'v been thru alot EAP..i lost both my parents wen i was still a little girl..
my relatives havn't been so supportive,i had to take care of my little sister and i to survive..
Thru Gods grace i managed,the Lord gave me a job..he blessed me in so many ways becoz i confided in him...

EAP-everyone has a story to tell-but the bottom line is u have to give ur story a haapy ending..

EAP start living in Faith...do not dwell so much in the past.-all shall be well...

to all tvsa bloggers going thru a rough time-tell it to the Lord in prayer,he will never leave nor forsake you...

...

pawagie
02 Oct 2008 04:55

ey wena Nonny,,at least it shows i went to school..and i learnt the good english grammar....

EAP
02 Oct 2008 05:05

Thanks y'all, I feel better already for opening up and blogging about this. I was skeptical at first coz I've seen some bloggers roasted alive here on TVSA and didn't know if it was a good idea. Am so glad I threw caution to the wind.

Thanks for your advice and kind words, "talking" does help. I've decided to pluck up the courage and go to EAP during lunch. Will keep you posted. Last night, while reader Soul magazine, stumbled upon a verse that reminded me of a hymn we used to sing in Primary School. Thought I'd share;

Make me a channel of your peace:
Where there is hatred, let me bring you love;
Where there is injury, your healing pow'r,
And where there's doubt, true faith in you.

Make me a channel of your peace:
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope;
Where there is darkness, - only light,
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

O Spirit, grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul - .

4. Make me a channel of your peace.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving to all that we receive,
And in dying that we're born to eternal life

Thanks carino, for those lyrics. I've copied and pasted them, will meditate upon them

carino
02 Oct 2008 05:43

eap, dear, expect a Private Msg from me...

Best-Achiever
02 Oct 2008 05:47

@EAP .. you are on the right channel with Soul Magazine, it is such a blessing to read that mag. There is also naother mag that you must fit into your budget by Joel Osteen Ministries(mostly found in post office), it is such a blessing my dear an investment for your soul, indeed. You can also check their website http://www.joelosteen.com subscribe for their daily devotion. there are so many other website that will help you to go through this .... and also www.radiopulpit.co.za.... the list is endless my love.

Keep Strong

mayandie
02 Oct 2008 06:02

Ya nhe....
MaBloggers let me take the oppotunity in thanking all of you for making this girl strong....And it is really true that you might think you have a huge problem but when you start having an ear to listen it's amazing that your problem might turn out to be just a minor.
I think its time now maBloggers to Thank God...
EAP you have given me the caurage to hang in there & Thank my God for everything he has done for me & those that are still to come... most of you guys know what I've been through & today I just want to thank my God for those experiences.
EAP always remember & never forget that uThixo will never give you umthwalo ongeke ukwazi ukuwuthwala maybe it is the way of calling you to be closer to him & all this does not he hates you remember He loves us so much that he let His only son to die for our sins...
Repeat after me.....
DEAR GOD:
I want to thank you for what you have already done.
I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears ;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed;

I am thanking you right now.
I am thanking you because Father I am alive.
I am thanking you because I made it through the yesterday's difficulties.
I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.
I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.
I'M THANKING YOU BECAUSE FATHER,
YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN UP ME…
THANK YOU FATHER!!!!

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 06:09

eap, dear, expect a Private Msg from me...
hahahahah Carino, u don't waste any time when u spot a potential student, I am sure the title of the of the PM will be "ONLINE SPELLING & GRAMMAR LESSONS"............LOL

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 06:10

Only joking Carino, I'm sure u want to help EAP in terms of her problems that she has shared with us. Thanks gal, uNkulunkulu usebenza ngezindlela eziningi.

carino
02 Oct 2008 06:24

hahahah.. yha Nonnz...angithi my services are not so well received here on the spotlight, so, i decided ukuthi kungcono ngisebenze behind-the-scenes, you see.... because i noticed that intokanye eyenza abantu babenomsindo is that abafuni umhlabawonke uyazi impazamo zabo.... LOL

no man, seriously now... uEAP has really touched my soul and ngifuna ukumhlanganisa nomfundisi othize...

carino
02 Oct 2008 06:24

Shuga babe
02 Oct 2008 06:27

mmmmmmmmEAP, People are showing off their Singing and Poetry skills all thanks to u. *I'm glad u smiling I can see u lana phela ngiphethe i Technology*

i hope this make u feel easy *Better*
Udlungane kandaba
owadlung' emanxulubeni (Musho)
kwaqhamuk ' iqaqa
laqaqela oqaqeni
labuqeda benke ubuqubuqu
wayigininda indaba, wayiginindela esigungwini
yafika i TVSA pps. yathuvula, yathavalaza. (musho)
(standing on top of my desk)

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 06:28

you see.... because i noticed that intokanye eyenza abantu babenomsindo is that abafuni umhlabawonke uyazi impazamo zabo.... LOL
True hey amabloggers anqena amehko abantu..

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 06:28

I meant banqena amhehlo abantu.

carino
02 Oct 2008 06:32

♫uJesu uyingagalalaaaa♫

Centrepiece
02 Oct 2008 06:36

I'm in tears, i thought i was fighting a bigger battle than anyone else, but now i see that i should be thankful to GOD. He never gives you a burden too heavy for you and if it is He will help you carry it to the end!!!

Now i feel i only brought everything i'm going through to myself (it is all my own doing). Here at TVSA we all LOVE you EAP

sponono
02 Oct 2008 07:00

I'm sorry you're going thru this pain and I must agree with other bloggers that God doesnt give you mor than you can handle
At the same time I cant ressit the temptation to say that in life the most important thing and what influences our progress is HOW we respond to events in our life...NOT the EVENTS ..

and in your case I see you focusing more on what the world has done to you..e.g your baby'd daddy died mysteriously..and the people in charge are not doing what they shud do...and this causes you pain
Your father is ill and drinking ..cant he see that he's hurting you...YES its PAINFUL but ITS NOT IN YOUR HANDS so the moment you realise that there is very little you could have done or can do about these events you will appreciate your own strenght and the fact that you are still standing in spite of your fathers terminal illnes and the los of of babys daddy...so I think you should embrace that and just say "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" and if it doenst kill you it can only make you strong

so my point is WITH ANY EVENT in your life...(because trust me you're 23 so there's still a whole lot more that you're going to experience good or otherwise) but the trick is to respond with optimisim and positive thought, you will find that life is not that unbearable at all...in fact its just a journey with up's and downs but it goes on...

as for your current boyfriend I think your OTHER issues are affecting the relationship..becasue IMO, you've lost a certain amount of trust in life generally because of the recent events so as you said you're paranoid...so ACCEPT THAT first and start releasing this responsibilty that you seem to have taken for these events...they are NOT in your HANDs let GOd take care of everything and wena just live a little..and I promise you your attidute will change and brotherman will appreciate you more

here's an exercise for today...Write down everything you've achieved and everything you love about yourself and about life...yOu will see

Ningixolele for a BLog within A Blog kade ngagcina ukubhala

BTW...(as for your father..maybe thats the only way for him to deal with his pain...have you thought about it and I'm sure he has no intention of hurting you..AGAIn its not about you its just his illness and his pain...you have YOUR own journey...and i understand thow much you love your father so you feel that maybe he shud behave a certain way...but maybe you shud let him BE

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 07:03

WOW Sponono, what a response, siyabonga ndoda, nathi wasisiza.

carino
02 Oct 2008 07:04

WOW, Spopo.... u just reminded me of why i LOVE you so much.... seriously...

LM
02 Oct 2008 07:45

Eap, I'm sorry for what you are going through, gal. I don't know what to tell you gal, the bloggas have said it all.

Sponono, how do you do this joe? You always manage to look at things in a diff angle and come up with a fresh, well thought comment. I witnessed this on diff blogs! You are an example of thinking out of the box, bossss! ke ya o hlompha!

Nonny
02 Oct 2008 08:06

Sponono, how do you do this joe? You always manage to look at things in a diff angle and come up with a fresh, well thought comment. I witnessed this on diff blogs!
The other thing I've noticed about Sponono is that, even if his response is the 200th one, it's always unique andit's never similar to what another person has previously said.

carino
02 Oct 2008 08:12

The other thing I've noticed about Sponono is that, even if his response is the 200th one, it's always unique andit's never similar to what another person has previously said.

And same applies as well, even if Spopo is your 200th man, yena he comes with fresh ideas, specially packaged, and he'll do you so differently you'd never want to go anywhere else.

carino
02 Oct 2008 08:13

Unique

what aka mathata
02 Oct 2008 08:25

ok my dear .some of the things in life we cant change them But we must be strong n deal with them.

father of your child

take a picture or anything that belong to him,put two hands on it,but first make sure you pray ,tell God you problem.

2.make a connection with your (father of your child)like(exp.peter)just say i want some connection with you,i want you to guide me,this situation is heavy for me,n i want to let it go,i want you to protect me n my child n guide us,just say whatever you want ,make sure the child is with you.you can do it once a week .

you open the conversation that is left before time,im 105% he going to guid you,when times goes on,you are going to see life in a different way,you are going to feel his spirit in different way,as a loving person Not obsticle.

your father.

the is nothing you can change.the only thing you can do,take good care of him,make sure he take his medication,n be strong,God sometimes he work in miracles way,

this moment ,is for you to be strong,honour your Job,because that job is your husband.father of your child,if you get stressed ,you will endup loosing it,that is not n good option.

your boyfriend left you something that no one can takeit,pls protect that child from stress,show your child ,how strong you are,pls make life easy for her.

new boyfie,i dont think you have time to play,stay at home,if he want you,he will follow you,he knows where to get you.n dont show your child a men untill you are sure,

make sure you condomise,is what left for your child,n be strong.

im MATHATA,ask yourself why,but today, im more stronger,i cant change nature,but i expert more from the future.

sponono
02 Oct 2008 08:31

hawu carino whadayusayin about me doin who...LOL

neeways I missed blogin thats why i got a little too busy with my reply....(hope i win the blog within blog award this year..even though i've replied twice)

Cody
02 Oct 2008 08:41

OMW it's blogs like these that show you that you aint got nothing to complain about because other people are fighting bigger battles than mine. Here i was complaining about the fact that the father of my unborn baby, the very same person who deceived me to be in this situation couldnt care less how the baby is doing is a no show, instead a man who didnt put me into this situation on purpose is now my pillar and strength.

When i read this and all the replies i can see that i should start being grateful that i have what i have.

I am listening to Joyous Celebration Bonang ho hlahileng maru and i cant stop crying because i am so grateful for what the lord has done for me.

what aka mathata
02 Oct 2008 08:50

@cody what went wrong with your boyfie?last time you said things are good.even now you are still preg?

andi01
02 Oct 2008 09:56

@EAP- sad indeed but ke only 2 person can help you deal with this and get over it, yourself and God. Trust in yourself and have faith in the Lord, he is the almighty and he is above all. He does miracles with each and every passing second.

Let go of teh fear, pain, anger and hurt you feeling, it wont be easy but if you wont wipe those tears, you wont see what God has planned for you. The road to heaven inzima, but it always has a happy ending.

We all know that someday our loved ones will die, but we arent bless with the ability to accept that when it happens, it is one of Gods ways to keep us in touch with him. Use this opportunity to grow ur relationship with the father, coz the devil is looking for an opportunity to come and turn you into his victim. dont let him, you are stronger than that.

Toodecent
02 Oct 2008 10:11

only 2 person > > Carino.......????

EAP
03 Oct 2008 04:01

@ Cody - Ja ne, sorry you had to go through that. As R Kelly sang "any man can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a father" The wheel turns full circle, he'll get what's coming to him

Thank you all again, went to EAP yesterday and am gonna go again today. Spirits are lifted already but I'm aware that it'll be a long road. My counsellor quips gore it's the N1 - from Messina to Cape Town. I'll get there one day

As for my dad, only person who can help him is himself. We can cry till we dehydrated and blue in the face but there's nothing we can do till he realises he's got a problem and hurting us his family. It was he who puked two litres of blood, he who was hospitalised for two weeks, he who was in High Care, he who had to endure painful operations to fix ruptured veins in his stomach and throat, he who almost got institutionalised, he who cried every night for those two weeks coz he thought he was gonna die. It is he who'll endure painful dialyses. After all of that toiling, if there's one person who should've had their fingers burnt - it's him. He just couldn't care less. As much as I love him, there's nothing I can do. I guess that was what pained me so much, helplessness

On a lighter note, am gonna give new boyfriend a chance. Apart from the annoying cellphone (who the hell created this thing???), he makes me happy. Best thing to happen to me in a long time but I find myself pushing him away. Am just gonna let go of my hang ups and enjoy the ride. Not gonna be an easy N1 but am giving it my all, I deserve some contentment

youngtodie
03 Oct 2008 04:18

hey dear ,you see it does help sometimes to talk about .t ,i hope you will stay positively and always know thing happened to you for a reason. I sometimes tell myself that God has a reason for letting me go through all of this.i wish you good luck with your boyfriend hopefully you will be together for a long time.

as for me dear i still have a lot to deal with ,have to be honest with myself about how do i feel about losing my angels, and to deal with my past especially family background maybe then .

but i won't lose hope and i know that God does love me . LOVE YOU DEAR

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