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Back From The Past

Written by Forbidden from the blog Back From The Past on 10 Nov 2008
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Yep the day I've been dreading for the past four years has finally come to being...

I'm a single mother of a beautiful 4 year old son ... his "bum" of a father left us when my son was 6 months old - it was tough, had to dust myself every now and then when I tripped but we made it through the support of friends and family.

We moved from where we last stayed, I changed my numbers and basically changed jobs in the past four years. Still no contact from the "sperm donar" know as my son's father.

Things have been great in the last 2 years - I moved on and met someone really great whom my son absolutely adores, things were great until ....

I recieved a "friend request" on facebook from.... Yes, The sperm donar a week ago!!!

I nearly lost it - I was an emotional wreck, because all the pain and tough times and the way he just dissapeared came back to me. I was fuming, cause I hated him so much, i still do and all I could think about was "The Nerve of this guy, four years later he has the nerve to send a request on facebook, not even a message along with his request"!!! But anyways... After some strong coffee and a smoke i was over it.

Now it's a matter of accepting or ignoring and banning his request???

Part of me want to ignore him and hope he never comes back, because if he's still the "No Good Son Of A Gun" he was, then i dont want him anywhere near my family.

Then part of me, questions if he's changed (as they say they do). Then I don't want him telling my son years later when they bump into each other at a mall or on Khumbul' ekhaya (God Forbid)!! and tells my boy that "Hey, son...I tried but your mom blew me off!!!

So here is my dilemma - do I accept and start getting used to seeing this guy and introducing my boy to his "father" or do I ignore him and just hope he goes away????

74 Comments

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 13:07

send him a message and tell him how you feel about him. Then based on his response, add or ban him.

PY
10 Nov 2008 14:25

Hey I know who u are....
U know what darling he is the father of ur son....just give him a chance to explain...or try to know him better but don't u dare allow him to be ur boyfriend again....coz its clear that he did'nt know that ur son will be 4 years old one day....he is a coward....agree with Toxic...tell him how u feel about him

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 14:28

PY, who is she?? heheheheh

Cande
10 Nov 2008 14:30

Hey there,

You could just accept his request, forgive him & ignore him..leave him like that & i promise you that he will regret ever leaving his baby for 3 and 1/2 years...

Nonny
10 Nov 2008 14:35

Eish mara amadoda ayacika sumtyms!!!!!

PY
10 Nov 2008 14:35

It was bound to happen sooner or later I guess...can i tell Toxic who u really are?
All i can say sana u-brave

mabhebheza
10 Nov 2008 14:36

Tjo the nerve maar request on FB nogal yah neh abanye abantu bane plug ....4yrs is no child play tjeer gal ur one brave mzali

Mopakistan
10 Nov 2008 14:38

Forgive the bugger and move on with ur life.let him know that if he didnt think u'd survive he was wrong and u have never been happier.u dont need to be his friend to forgive him.

cleve
10 Nov 2008 14:40

Accept his request. Forgive him in your heart and let him go. Just ignore him, don't let him see that you despise him. He will send you stuff, he just wants to know what you are up to.

mabhebheza
10 Nov 2008 14:40

Ungasho uliphinde Nonny banesdina nje ...how does one sleep @nite knowing he has 4yr son maar his doing nothing unembeza wayaphi ?? Izinto zokushiswa nje pour acid on his bums! Nxxx !!

Cande
10 Nov 2008 14:42

true Cleve

Earth
10 Nov 2008 14:45

He is the father of your child,and the child has the right to know his child.You have moved on with your life mos,if you have completely healed,hear what he has to say,but if you aren't ready yet,ignore him,I mean he did it to you too....If he asks to meet his child,let him,but make sure its just about him and the child,nothing else,remember what 'moving on' was like??You don't want to go back to that place now do you?

Centrepiece
10 Nov 2008 14:46

Why does this happen often these days? Are the bloggers trying to tell me something? because really this is something i will go through one day! I am an immotional wrck at the moment, forgive me if what i am writting does not make sense, but people (expecially men) know this is too painfull and if you do this kind of thing to a person you impregnate, you are killing that individual slowly day in and day out. *this comes at seeing your child everyday and having to answer to his questions about his father*

Shuga babe
10 Nov 2008 14:46

I know its hard, especially raising a child alone knowing that his father is out there having good time. U have no choice but to introduce him in to his son. he's the father nobody can take that away from him.

Don't go back to him as his love but the mother of his child. have you told your child know that your boo isn't his real father???.

Forbidden
10 Nov 2008 14:46

PY - You know me????
Say something that you know only I will know ??

BigMama
10 Nov 2008 14:48

l will never allow the man in my life again, if l can take good care of my little one from the age of 6m, l can go further. l will let the child ask for his dad and l will glad point to where his dad is if l know, even if the child has to go to Khumbula ekhaya just let it, don´t let him play with your life again. If he really wanted to know about his child or you he would have tried better ways than FB.If he really cared, It wouldn´t have took him 4years to track you down, he knew your friends and relatives. The man will leave you heart broken again if you befriend him again.

The choice is yours dear, you must know that a leopard never changes its spots, what makes you think that he will change for the best? 99% of people never change, they just stay the same so if you are willing to take the chance go ahead.

carino
10 Nov 2008 14:49

nami i know who you are...and now i think i know who PY is....

Anyway, girlfriend, just be the bigger person here, im sure there's a certain reaction he's expecting from you.. dont give him that... just accept the friend request, but on "limited profile" terms.... but DONT semd him the message that Toxxx... is talking about.... he's the one that ran off... let him start the conversation.

witty lady
10 Nov 2008 14:50

Nxxxa!! Satan!! they always come back when the children are older. 4give him and let go of your hatred, u dont have to carry hate in your heart because of this stupid loser!

4give him but don't take him back, and I assume he's gonna want to see the baby...eeish, are u gonna let him? I mean phela he left you to raise the child on your own, what the hell was he thinking all these years? sies maan!!

Nonny
10 Nov 2008 14:53

Ungasho uliphinde Nonny banesdina nje ...how does one sleep @nite knowing he has 4yr son maar his doing nothing unembeza wayaphi ??
uNembeza wafa kanye no Chris Hani weMabhebheza.

but DONT semd him the message that Toxxx... is talking about.... he's the one that ran off... let him start the conversation.
Amen Cariri!!!!!

witty lady
10 Nov 2008 14:54

a leopard never changes its spots....
So true Bigmama.

BigMama
10 Nov 2008 14:54

Sorry Forbidden but you don´t have to forgive always, just don´t accept his request, let him go, you can raise that child with your new boyfriend if he doesn´t mind, not all children are raised by their biological fathers. if a father is a bastard like Kenny, why not let Paul raise him, he will choice to go to his father when he grow ups, but for now just raise the boy and forget that the really sperm donor does exist.

Best-Achiever
10 Nov 2008 15:01

Tough world indeed wit heartless people here ad there

mabhebheza
10 Nov 2008 15:01

He lost the title father of the child he walked out of ur life 2suffer do u knw how hard it is 2have sum1 in ur life that plays a role that the bastard shud be doing the guilt eats every day!

I think u 4gave him the day u allowed sum else 2luv u & not becum bitter 2wards evry guy! That devil that bullfrog wizard infact a Rat deserves not even a hello 4rm u! Manje he wants 2cum & confuse the child & avuse amanxeba wakho !!

Kude le ngo SATAN eish this topic drives me mad!!!!!!!!!!!

witty lady
10 Nov 2008 15:02

Mina I just want to know, when that child gets older he's gonna start asking questions..... what do you do then.... tell the truth or pass off the step daddy as the biological.... I dont even know what I would say to my child.... that " ur dad abondoned us" or tell him he's dead..... how do u explain such things mara?

Cande
10 Nov 2008 15:02

they always come back when the children are older

he he he speaking about fathers, i received a call from my biological father last week sunday at 7 o clock in the morning, i thought something bad will happe that day because i have never EVER received a call from my father...
We used to come across each other, or i will try to visit him because i was the only one trying to make an effort for us to get to know each other..I have since given-up...
Now when i have forgotten about me there he was calling me..He keeps track of me and i know that, and he was pretending NOT to know where i am and asked how was the cpt weather..Was like WTF???I know the person you got my number from knows where i am now.
As far as i am concern my father was my step dad that i buried last year...
Forbidden you could let your child get to know her/his father, @ 4 she/he is still young to develop something against him
If he wants to be in his child's life, dont deny him...

witty lady
10 Nov 2008 15:04

Le nna this topic is very close to my heart...... hits home.

TheLady
10 Nov 2008 15:05

uBigmama ne Generations LOL

BigMama
10 Nov 2008 15:06

@mabhebheza, l am with you there, l really don´t know how to explain the way l feel about this man, mina l will never give him that chance of confusing my kid and me at the same time. gone for 4years and contacting me on facebook, this is making me cry, its so upsetting. l really don´t forgive easily, so for me l don´t know what it will take to forgive someone like that.

mabhebheza
10 Nov 2008 15:08

Carino when r we Launchng mzala phela im goin home now can only blog when i get there in the next 30-45minutes so if u do launch keep it rollin neh

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 15:09

Carino, if she wants to continue getting friend requests from this guy, then she can ignore him. If she wants him to see his son and wants to spell out the terms, how on earth is she going to do that if she doesn't communicate with him? Children at some point will want to know who their father is and as a mother, nothing is as irritating as trying to do a 'foot-trail' of a missing father. If she knows where he is, she can find him when that need arises.

forbidden, if i were you i would think long and hard about this decision u'll take. You don't want it coming back to bite you in the arse.

Cody
10 Nov 2008 15:09

ya no. maybe i will be in your shoes someday. i'll be a silent blogger for now.he he he

Luksta
10 Nov 2008 15:10

felfel
10 Nov 2008 15:11

If you decide to accept his "friendship request" make sure you limit his access to your profile.......yah you can do that on FB, go to settings and literary shut him out of your profile even though he's there as a friend, allow him only to send you messages but not to stalk ur life on FB via ur wall and pics..............the rest is up to you.

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 15:14

Mabhebheza, sometimes it's not always about you. Let children make the decision for themselves. If your child says i don't want to see this man then so be it, but don't shut the door you may one day be forced to open. That he hurt you doesn't change the fact that he is his son/daughter's father.

BigMama
10 Nov 2008 15:14

@witty lady.........l will always tell the truth that your father walked out of your life when you were just 6months old and it is your choice if you do want to build a relationship with him or not, its never easy but you can ask the elders to help you, and support the kid if he wants to know the bastard as it is his right.

belz
10 Nov 2008 15:15

friendship request?????? yho!!!

mabhebheza
10 Nov 2008 15:17

Eish this Topic uyangigulisa strong! 4yrs is a long time & im sure u worked ur ass off 2raise that child 2make sure that u do only the best 4him bese lo becoz he got free internet 4acess FB he request friendship sbunu se friendship uboraka kabi he shud try & google tricks on revesing time ra!

Nyani wat do u tell the child wat do u tel the guy who has been with u thru thick & thin moerskot usatani yena was cruzzin wit gals no wonder he is on FB manje futhi yazi yini nguphuma amgwebu ulaka!

Cande that man that called u 2use his airtime sumwhere else maybe call 10111 or glomail helpline & stop finishing ur battery becoz ur father is resting in peace

See u in the next 45minutes guys!

TheLady
10 Nov 2008 15:17

Ya ne, this one is difficult. It's a person and you cannot possibly predict what he wants without speaking to him. He might not even be interested in you, just wanna make up for his mistakes with his boy, and start doing right...Being a parent isn't necessarily about how you feel and what you want..your boy might grow up and blame you for not trying hard enough to let him have a relationship with his daddy.

Am with Tox-speak to the man, if he is talking isht you can always block him -tell him how you feel...(btw you might wanna remove your work email address and contact numbers on your FB page before accepting him-you don' want a stalker now.)

Shuga babe
10 Nov 2008 15:17

I wish M could learn something here, its my first time I come across Forbidden if I'm not mistaken.

@Witty lady, BigMama, don't be too hard on the guy. maybe he really has changed and he wants to do a good thing, and that is to be a part of his child's life.

This remind me of what i saw yesterday. A guy with his 4/5 year old gal. a guy was so drunk he couldn't even stand let alone speaking he was lying on the floor while the child was trying to wake him up "Vuka baba, Vuka baba" people were laughing in stead of helping. I called the police they arrived and took out the cellphone from baba's packet and call the child's mother. but the mother told the police lady to go to hell her man took the child out for lunch and she spoke to them about an hour ago. I left when they were trying to take them home which they didn't know which section in Umlazi. yo yo yo I was so angry with the mother for letting the child go out with *isdakwa* a drunker...

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 15:18

Luksta, you're right. Determine what his intentions are Forbidden, before you accept his friend request.

carino
10 Nov 2008 15:18

You don't want it coming back to bite you in the arse.

kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa ROFL... im sorry, but my overactive mind just drew an image of this....more so, coz, Tox spelt arse correctly...as in, lesoba... like i said, i'm sorry, maybe im being insensitive.

myname
10 Nov 2008 15:19

Ja nhe life can be bitchy sometimes....i will just read your replies

carino
10 Nov 2008 15:19

Centrepiece
10 Nov 2008 15:21

DO NOT expose your child to this mafacka until you are sure of his intentions. He may disappear again and you'll be left with not only your broken heart but that of your child. You don't want to traumatise your child now do you?................@Luksta

This is what i am afraid of in this situation..................... It is very hard answer the questions of your child after what Luksta said, has happened.

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 15:22

children are NOT possessions!!!!!!!!!

carino
10 Nov 2008 15:22

mabhebheza.. we are launching soon (win15), wena sukuwara.. it's just those pics of yours that are giving me hassles... but when you come back on in 45, we'll be up.

mabhebheza
10 Nov 2008 15:22

Tox wat can a 4yr old child decide maar ....yes he has gorwn & can undersatnd the situation manje kunzima

i will neva leave this office haai ngiyahamba maar ngiyabuya!

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 15:26

LOL Carino!!

tracy
10 Nov 2008 15:27

@bigmama- gal I hate to disagree with you but this is not about her anymore this is about her son and having a relationship with his dad. I know what its like first hand to grow up with your father to have to make stories at school about a father that you dont know coz you will be left out in conversations.
I never knew my father apparantley he left when my brother and I were very young I have no idea what he looks like wether he is tall or short dark or light I know he can never be a part of my life but I just cant help wanting to see him what he looks like or does hr look like my brother the way everybody who knows him always say.
You know this article opened the wounds that will nwver heal in my heart I had a father figure in my life my step dad was wonderful but no one takes away the space of my dad I m older now but i still long for him I cant stop crying for him atleast I know where my mother is buried but the pain of not knowing wether my dad is still alive or dead is worse. I always ask my self did he ever try and find us.
I could go on and on but now I cant I cant even read what I m writing coz of my tears but sisi wena just do the right thing for your child swallow you pride you dont have to love the guy just tolarrate him

GML
10 Nov 2008 15:28

The last thing you need is for you boy to ask you a few years down the line who and where his daddy is. Talk to him hear him out and then decide what you want to do. You need to know where your son's dad is so that one day when he is old enough he can decide what he wants and you can help him with contacts etc...

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 15:31

Mabhebheza, YOU cannot know for sure! Why are you willing to chance it? Black people have a looooong history of family disintegration and it's largely because our parents took decisions that we were too young to make ourselves. Now we're stuck with a situation where more than half the black population either doesn't know who their parents are or is raised by a single parent. Not that there's anything wrong with it but shouldn't we be trying to pursue the opposite?

I've separated from my daughter's father and he may have hurt ME but i'll make sure that he plays a role in my daughter's life and the next guy i meet will know that as well.

myname
10 Nov 2008 15:33

Hayi maan tracy take a deep breath my dear. That was touchy maan

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 15:35

Tracy, i totally agree with you. Your story is sad but it's the reality for most of us. I hope you finally find him-however long it takes, don't give up on your pursuit.

BigMama
10 Nov 2008 15:36

@Toxic, you will only make sure that he plays that role, when and if he is willing. 4years is a long time to play a loving and caring dad, if he didn´t want the mum, he should have made an effort to stay incontact with his little boy.

Centrepiece
10 Nov 2008 15:39

@Tracy..........hun have you ever imagined what your mother had to go through, the pain of watching you grow up without a father, not knowing how to answer your painful questions? Maybe a father's leaving his child is a mothers fault but in any case how can one punish his own flesh and blood.
I always say deciding to up and leave your child/children is your choice, no one can force upon you.
With mothers who are like me..... who never said a word to offend the father or even done anything that can make him decide to up and leave, it is even worse. The pain i am feeling at watching my son grow up without a father is great i can never wish it on my worst enemy.

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 15:48

@Toxic, you will only make sure that he plays that role, when and if he is willing. 4years is a long time to play a loving and caring dad, if he didn´t want the mum, he should have made an effort to stay incontact with his little boy.

So what if he is NOW willing to play that role? Are you going to shut him out because he didn't make the decision when YOU wanted him to? it may be wrong that he walked out but if he comes back to start a relationship with his son, are you going to deny your son that contact because of the 4 absent years?

We don't want these men to come and mess up our children's lives but we also don't want to take the opportunity for our children to have a relationship with their fathers because of the pain they've put us through. Let go!

tracy
10 Nov 2008 15:52

@Centrepiece -and what about the pain your child is going to feel for the rest of their lives what if uhlutswa nga madlozi what then. I have never blamed my mother or toment her with questions but the truth is I ve never stopped longing for my father.
@Bigmama - you know gal no matter how much pride you have it musnt cloud your judgement coz if a child decides they want their father back in their life they is nothing you can do about it, Sometime they are situations beyond our control that make pple disappear how will you till you give that person a chance mina I havent seen my father but I know the day I see him I will give him a hug I dont care what happened btwn him and my mom.

Centrepiece
10 Nov 2008 15:56

@Toxic............. what i am afraid of is, what if he came back just to disappear again? What do you tell you child then!

And you went through all this *telling your child that his father has just decided to come to your childs life now* for him to mess you child and leave you to pick up the pieces? And mind you Forbidden has moved on with her life and the sudden appearance of a her son's father can course strain to her current relationship, all that for the Maf****ker to disappear again? Noooooooooooooooo

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 16:03

Centrepiece, angisho this is why you would talk to the man before you make the decision to "re-integrate" him in your child's life?

life has no guarantees love, what happens if your whole family dies? who does he turn to? does he know his paternal grandparents? bo rakgadi?

Centrepiece
10 Nov 2008 16:10

@ Toxic............ in my situation my son has contact with everybody in his paternal family except for his father, it the fathers choice not mine!!

Luksta
10 Nov 2008 16:11

Being a father myself, I am all for a child knowing his father but you can't help but be cautious. Some fathers out there are jokes. Take your time to assess this guy.

A friend of mine grew up not knowing his real father. He grew up in a stable home with his step dad who was everything to him, then when he was doing matric his biological father(who was staying in another city) pitched up, & started to invite him to spend holidays with him.

His parents(stepdad & mother) allowed him to go so as to 'know' his real father and had some family rituals performed on him. One day he came back from his holiday telling his parents that he changed his surname & he is moving in with his 'real' dad and sisters, that his dad was cool & had lots of money.

Three months later, they(my friend & his real dad) were shot dead by the police, while they were robbing a furniture delivery truck. It turns out his father only had girlz at home so he wanted a son to continue his illegal dealings.

myname
10 Nov 2008 16:17

you see ke Luksta!!!!

Nonny
10 Nov 2008 16:21

Three months later, they(my friend & his real dad) were shot dead by the police, while they were robbing a furniture delivery truck. It turns out his father only had girlz at home so he wanted a son to continue his illegal dealings.
nc nc nc nc *shaking my head*.........some men are worthless pieces of sh!t!!!!

Shuga babe
10 Nov 2008 16:26

yoooooooooo Luksta!!!!!!!!!

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 16:28

centrepiece, if the father wants nothing to do with his child, there's nothing you can do is there? it really is his loss.

Forbidden
10 Nov 2008 16:29

Eish I worked blood sweat and tears, tolerated horrible bosses from hell, just to make that R2500 at the end of the month .... Right now earn much more and my son Coolest in the bloack you can't tell that he was raised by a single teenage mom - So i give myself a tap on the shoulder for that - on both shoulders actually!!!

But those 1st two years were hell- when i really needed a helping not even financially but for peace of mind knowing that i wasn't in this alone...
I once called about last year, just my curiosity wanting to know if he was still alive, coz this psycho was obsessed with death - so i wanted to know if he was still alive.... That way it's much easier telling my son that "hey your father died" rather than, "He walked out on us".

Anyways The coward answers the phone - I knew it was him... I just knew it was him coz he used to harrass me on a daily basis on the phone when we were still a couple. As soon as I asked for him - he hesitated... then said wrong Number... But i knew it was him.

He makes my blood boil - wanted to break my pc when i saw his profile pic with his smug look and amakip kip jacket.

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 16:38

i story sika Luksta siyangihlekisa mina...LOL!!

mabhebheza
10 Nov 2008 17:16

yabona ke ... u tried 2call shame wena 4bidden manje wat can justify his actions 4leavin u ??...his has a bag ful of misery & troubles manje he wants 2offload it kuwe uhambe wrongo coz ur not Pik-it-Up Station ...

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 17:26

mabhebheza.....iphi i launch kanti???

mabhebheza
10 Nov 2008 17:42

Toxic phela im feat Carino so we busy ka Contract so when we get an award ama royalties abe fair & square ..!!

Toxic
10 Nov 2008 17:52

so it's tomorrow then??

mabhebheza
10 Nov 2008 18:04

im definaetly 100% sure ....2moro is d-day

Floh
10 Nov 2008 19:41

I need to remove my profile on Facebook, mnxim these loosers.

EAP
11 Nov 2008 14:07

Difficult, this involves a young life that'll grow up and ask questions. I'm all for a child knowing their fathers but am also afraid he'll hurt the kid. Where was he all this time? What was he doing? When he pulled a warm blanket over his shoulders, did he stop to think if his kid was warm? When he devoured takeaways, did he even wonder if his child went to bed with a full stomach? What's to say he's not gonna make a run for it again if the going gets tough?

A friend of mine had a similar experience; baby daddy walked out when the kid was 2 months old, mother worked her butt off to clothe and feed her child. The boy is 4 now and the mother has a well-paying job. He came back early this year with all kinds of promises - took the child out for a weekend and hasn't been back since.

As them bloggers have said, scrutinise - eliminate the element of surprise (couldn't resist). If he's for real, let him in, slowly but surely and cautiously. And remember - it's a process, he's also got to apologise to your family. Am sure they chipped in here and there to help raise your lil sunshine

Good luck

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