Malema vs Ramulifho
Julius Malema likes to talk. A lot. Fortunately, for a public bored to death with the incestuous nature of South African politics, he rarely talks sense. Unfortunately, he is not quite stupid enough to take on the DA's Khume Ramulifho in a public debate.
I feel deprived — deeply, horribly, bitterly.
And so, dear readers, I have settled for the next best thing…iafrica.com's very own version of the debate that could have, should have been.
In keeping with the ANC's complaint that "the media has a tendency to cover comments by Malema in a selective and often inaccurate manner", we have decided to do just that… So, here you have it: Malema versus Ramulifho. In their own words… well, sort of.
Please note: while all of the following quotes can actually be attributed to either Julius Malema or Khume Ramulifho — at some point or another — they have been deliberately used out of context in the spirit of satire.
Good evening gentlemen, let's begin with a rather pressing concern: election violence. Where does your party stand on the matter?
KR: The DA Youth is committed to maintaining a democracy in which political parties are allowed to campaign freely, and implore the IFP Youth Brigade and ANC Youth League to allow calm and common sense to prevail in what are already volatile times.
JM: People try to exercise their democratic rights and in the process they make mistakes because they don't know what this animal, democracy, looks like.
We are not afraid of the IFP… We must campaign everywhere in KwaZulu even at the backyard of Mangosuthu Buthelezi's backyard.
We must also intensify the struggle to eliminate the remnants of a counter-revolution, which include the DA and a loose coalition of those who want to use state power to block the ANC president's ascendency to the highest office in the land.
Sorry, Julius, just to clarify: are you advocating more violence?
JM: If we did sound like we're inciting violence, we are very sorry. That was not our intention; we'll never incite violence. We will never do anything unconstitutional. We are law-abiding citizens of this country and we will protect the Constitution of this republic.
Right... Khume, would you like to respond to that?
KR: No amount of insulting rhetoric and pathetic name-calling should distract from the fact that Malema is afraid his vast intellectual shortcomings will be exposed.
Julius, any response?
JM: I only debate with serious political youth formations. Not a group of the racist Helen Zille's garden boys.
So...[KR interupts]
KR: Malema has also once again shown himself to be a petty little man who is unable to engage in meaningful debate, and capable only of resorting to the basest form of gutter politics to make his point.
So... back to the issues that really matter to our readers. What does your party plan to do about the economy?
KR: Skills developments should enjoy a very high priority in South Africa. Without it, our economic growth will be stunted and millions of our people will struggle to find employment.
Key elements should include: simplifying labour laws to encourage job creation; creating an investor, employment and enterprise-friendly business environment; actively encouraging the immigration of skilled personnel; access to skills and opportunities; and entrepreneurs, big and small, must be lauded, not lambasted.
JM: Put a bread on the table. We don't want sophistication.
Erm… Is that all Julius? Anything more about the current global economic crisis?
JM: They're doing it from the outside now because they think they can mobilise our people against this glorious movement and they are working with the imperialists, the former colonisers, to try and destabilise this country.
Their moves are well-calculated… They are well-resourced. Don't underestimate a man who is well-resourced in a capitalist society.
Um… alright, I think we need to move on…There has been some criticism of the electoral system. Khume, do you think that it needs to be revised?
KR: Yes, we need to strengthen our constituency representation. Voters must be able to elect their MP/MPL directly. We therefore propose a mixture of the PR and constituency systems. Mayors, premiers and the president must be elected directly.
Julius, how does the ANCYL feel about this?
JM: If Zuma is corrupt, then we want him with all his corruption. We want him with all his weaknesses. If he is uneducated, then we want him as our uneducated president.
On the topic of education…Do you feel that Naledi Pandor is doing a good job?
KR: Suggestions that the education minister is not to blame for the recent Matric mark irregularities is characteristic of the scourge of unaccountability plaguing the ANC government. The minister has the ultimate oversight role for her department, and she, before anyone, must be held accountable when irregularities occur.
The DA Youth will continue to support the development of an education system that provides access to opportunities for all, whilst maintaining a culture of excellence.
That's quite a harsh indictment from the DA. Julius, how do you feel about the minister?
JM: She must use her fake accent to address our problems… I just want to ask those who are behind this case if they would be proud to prosecute their own president, and embarrass their own country. A person who is patriotic would not pursue such a thing.
Sorry, Julius, I'm not entirely sure that I follow you…
JM: As I said…if he is uneducated, then we want him as our uneducated president. We don't want sophistication.
Okay… anything more you would like to add before we wrap up?
KR: The DA Youth supports the development of an open opportunity society which stands in stark contrast to an organisation such as the ANC Youth League, which advocates the ANC's closed, patronage-driven system.
Thanks Helen...um…I mean Khume. Julius?
JM: When a woman didn't enjoy it, she leaves early in the morning. Those who had a nice time will wait until the sun comes out, request breakfast and taxi money.
Khume, I'm not sure if you have a response to that...
KR: In classic Malema-style, his ridiculous diatribe reveals more about his own inadequacies than it does about the intended victims of his attack.
And those, dear readers, are the leaders of tomorrow. Who would you vote for — the 'garden boy' or the former child soldier?