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Can Your Mother Be Jealous of You

Written by Batho from the blog Be Free on 07 Jul 2009
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TVSA bloggers I thought I should ask this to you since you’re different people from different parts of SA. So your views and opinions on this would help to realise who is wrong in this complicated situation. Here is a scenario; I have this friend of mine. She really trusts me and she always confides in me about what is going on in her home. The main person who is bothering her is her mother. She doesn’t like the way her mother is treating them at home even her father. My friend is still staying with her parents and a younger sister. My friend has always been a good girl. A daughter every mother would love to have seeing how girls are like now a day. She doesn’t have a boyfriend. She is always at home all the time. She has just finished her studies and now she is working.

She once told me that her mother has been rude to her since she started at varsity. Every time she shouted her she would always mention the fact that she is in university, even if she’s done a small thing. She felt like her mother doesn’t love her the way she used to when she was still schooling. She would sometimes shout at her and tell that she thinks she is better now that she is at university. And my friend told me that she doesn’t like it when her mother always mentions the university thing when she shouts at her. My friend once told me her mother’s got thing that she sometimes feels like people are talking about her. She once shouted at her and her sister because they were joking with each other and laughing. She shouted them and told them that bangamahule (think this means bitch not really sure). They didn’t like this but they kept quite.

She says her mother has this tendency of wanting them to pretend like she didn’t do anything to them. And she doesn’t apologise even if she is the one who is wrong. Now recently she told me since she started working her mother has been always rude to her. Sometimes she would tell her that, that house is her house and she is the only wife of that house. Just out of the blue. Since she is now working and her mother is not working. She comes home late and her mother would expect her to cook. She told me one morning her mother told her to take out the rubbish bean when she was going out to work and my friend didn’t because she was going to be late. My friend has been telling me that her mother is always telling to get out of her house and go live somewhere.

Her mother according to her loves to start a fight just out of the blue so she can shout at her and swear at her. And tell her all kinds of things that are not nice especially when coming from a person who is suppose to be your mother. Mind you she is not only doing this to her even her younger sister has to suffer this. I am sure you are going to ask what is the father saying in all this. Her father is the kindest father ever I have seen him when I’m visiting her. She says he sees what is happening but she says her father doesn’t want to seem like he is taking side. Sometimes her mother would pick up a fight with her father too so that he will do something to her which is what she wants. So she can have something against her father like arresting him.

This is a very long story I sometimes don’t know what to say to my friend. I always tell her to find a good job so that she can move out and find herself a place to stay. What I have told her is that maybe her mother is jealous since she has achieved what she didn’t. This is funny because this mother should be grateful for that. She even told me that her mother would make competition with her, like when she does or buys something her mother would buy that thing too or say negative thing about what she bought. This is story a very long complicated story. So bloggers what can you say if my friend was your friend. Do you think parents can be jealous of their children? Do you think her mother might have a problem maybe mentally or what?



52 Comments

Batho
07 Jul 2009 16:19

what can you say or advice in this situation coz it is complicated for me.

JadaPinkett
07 Jul 2009 16:25

i'll read this tomorrow ............i've asked for an article long tym ago en u publishing it now anyway blog  tomorrow my dear .....don't stress m goin home now ......the tym is up.

Green.arrow
07 Jul 2009 16:31

This is quite sad.....
I have seen families like that. sweetest father, relatively well behaved kids....and a very abrasive mother..
I believe that there is a lot of things that make us as people, good or bad...and when its bad experiences,they often come back to haunt us in future. So i wil go with the mental problem suggestion...maybe she is breaking down.,......otherwise, maybe ke midlife crisis or something..
My thoughts and prayers are with your friends though....because whatever is wrong with her mom, she and the lil sisster are paying....damn the ripple effects of a dysfunctional society/families/people....

Mpums
07 Jul 2009 16:32

have to read this 2morrow morning.....wait for the replies kusasa [okay]

GML
07 Jul 2009 16:45

I think that if your friend can afford to move out she should. However It would be difficult for me to leave my younger sister in that kind of environment. She should tell her mother to just act like a mother and be there for her.

If it were me. I would find a place of my own and get my baby sister to live with me (depending on the grade she is in). If it's GR12 then it would be easy as they only attend few classes and write exams most of the time. It would be an ideal situation for her in terms of a quite place to study without drama.

If however my baby sister was younger I would not leave there until I get more than enough money to pay for her fees and get her out of that place.

Maybe the mother needs some time to miss her kids and moving out will help her realise her mistake if not then tough, The father will have to decide

Sdakamiswa
07 Jul 2009 17:07

is she sure if this is her "real" mother or is it a step mother from hell....? for a mother to do/say all this nasty ish to her own flesh & blood sounds unbelievable..... whats her old man doin about this ish

Best-Achiever
08 Jul 2009 07:59

Yo Batho .... this isvery very difficult ... but before i can say anything, can i ask you two questions
1. You said, you have visited your friend, did you witness any of this from your friends mother, i'd like to believe that it will be a pleasure for the mother to degrade her daughter in front of you, if she is real mean.

2. is your friend sure that it  is her real real mother, even a father, is it her real parents?

Batho
08 Jul 2009 09:20

I know Best Achiever this matter is  very difficult but I have also asked my friend those questions. 

1)When I visit her, I would notice that there is tension in her home but they wouldn't show it . Sometimes her mother has no moods but my friend tells me that her mother likes to pretend when there are other people around in the house. So that is why I won't notice if there is something wrong she is doing. Even me when I'm there she would talk to me and make a conversation and my friend wouldn't say anything in our conversation. 

2)She assures me that these people are both her biological parents. But the mother is the one whom she has a problem with.

Lex
08 Jul 2009 09:38

Hei,e thata taba e.but I've heard of households like that.My friend and I had problems with our mothers when they were on menopause,but they weren't as mean as your friend's mom.And fortunately for us,that stage has passed.Shame I hope she gets a better paying job so that she can move out and take the lil sister with.

Best-Achiever
08 Jul 2009 09:43

Hhayi ke Batho ... me things there are two sides of the story ... for the mad woman that her mother sounds to be, i thought she'll be a type of person who wouldnt mind degrading her daughter in front of her friends ... 

maybe, just maybe, the mother can also say very believable things that your friend is doing, desrepect or something .... otherwise hhayi that mother need Jesus ...qha

zozoe
08 Jul 2009 09:48

<<is she sure if this is her "real" mother or is it a step mother from hell....? for a mother to do/say all this nasty ish to her own flesh & blood sounds unbelievable..... whats her old man doin about this ish>> i believe it coz i also experienced something like that but now my mom is gone, i think vele the mother is feeling bad about herself seeing how her daughter conduct herself and and she looks back at her life how she behaved at her age it embarasses her so she doesnt know how to handle it she feels like a failer

Loreal
08 Jul 2009 09:50

Batho maybe your friend must find out if this mother is her biological mom 

Tynt!
08 Jul 2009 10:01

I so wish there could be some kind of a pass out parade for women who qualify to be mothers, and let those that gave birth and lack the qualities of being a mother go back on training in order to acquire those skills….

The treatment your amigo is getting from her “mother” is mindboggling

Best-Achiever
08 Jul 2009 10:04

tjo Zozoe .. i thought thosereason can be the same reason that would make a mother proud, that as much as she regards herself as a failure(well if she does) but she raise such a remarkable young woman...

zozoe
08 Jul 2009 10:17

like i said she doesnt know how to handle those achievements tsa ngwana gae , coz she is bitter at herself she is condemning herself and she has low self esteem and broken and you know people who are broken take out their brokenness on the ones they love

Sbone
08 Jul 2009 10:23

Boloi khafetsa!

Best-Achiever
08 Jul 2009 10:25

Then batho your friend must get help for her mother, maybe she must ask her aunt / uncles (frome her mother's family) or grandma, to talk to their mother about her feelings, maybe they can also convince her to get professional help

zozoe
08 Jul 2009 10:27

ya then we are talking BA if we speak about the professional help 

lol sbone

Phikza
08 Jul 2009 10:28

This is really tough Batho... but me thinks that she should either bring mom, dad and lil sis together(I mean she's old enough to do that now coz sekavela e-varsity moss) and talk bout this issue and if dad doesn’t put his foot down then she can take lil sis with her find a very affordable place(I’m sure she can find a cheap room for now) and move out of that house immediately coz this is depressing her and its not fair for her lil sis to be leaving under such conditions…if I may ask how old is lil sis?

goldii
08 Jul 2009 10:33

@Batho

How does your friend's mother interact with her own siblings and parents (if they are still alive) maybe she is raising her own children the same way that she was raised and does'nt realise that she is emotionally affecting her own kids as she does not have a yard stick to measure her own behaviour. 

This is sad as she is missing out on what could be the most beautiful relationship with her daughters. Maybe she wanted son's and only got girls and sees herself as a failure. What type of relationship does she have with her in laws.

There could be alot of reasons for her behaviour. But I have seen families were one child is treated like a king and the other children are treated as servants and don't even exist in the parents eyes. These things happen , your friend needs to be there for sister and be strong for both of them.

zozoe
08 Jul 2009 10:34

@So i wil go with the mental problem suggestion...maybe she is breaking down.,......>> i agree with you Green Arrow on this one

Batho
08 Jul 2009 10:39

I agree with you Zozoe because I have also told my friend that maybe her mother doesn't like the fact that she has achieved what she didn't achieve and the fact that her daughter didn't turn out like her. You know people would not believe this when they hear about it because her daughters are well behaved and people always praise this mother about how well she has raised her children. But behind doors she does or says terrible things to her children. It is really painful when she tells me this story. I have not even shared this with my mom because I don't want people to look at this mother in a wrong way now because of me.

Phikza her lil sis is 16 and in grade 10.

myname
08 Jul 2009 10:39

ke mathatha fela ngwaneso nhe.......

But if i were her, i would move out coz i would afford my own place.

zozoe
08 Jul 2009 10:47

moving out wont help 

this is a sign that this mother needs a seroius help so Batho  you and your friend act fast hle , as you are saying she must move out the problem is not the daughter but mom and what if they live the house and the mother becomes suicidal she only needs attention 

the only thing is for this mother to face the past and let them go

Phikza
08 Jul 2009 10:49

But I have seen families were one child is treated like a king and the other children are treated as servants and don't even exist in the parents eyes

goldii...i've seen families like these too and there is nothing one can bout their mother's behaviors realy....its either you leave,  find yourself a suitable place and create your own little world...not forgetting your siblings ofcoz....but to change intliyo ka ma...it will be a mission....like BA said.....otherwise hhayi that mother need Jesus ...qha

I had a friend back home who was very skinny...at first we thought ngumzimba wakhe but noooh...both her mom and grandmom treated her differently from her other siblings...so it was sorta affecting her a lot than we thought as umphakathi

Best-Achiever
08 Jul 2009 10:53

Things are differentand difficult out there ..... having a mother who is supposed to be your protector as a destroyer is the hardest thing that can ever happen to a child.

myname
08 Jul 2009 11:01

So Zozoe you will rather stay with your crazy mother for what? This lady has issues which she doesnt want 2 divulge 2 any1 but treating your own daughters like that is unacceptable. At the end you are the one who is affected emotional. Mna angekhe. I would leave her house in peace. Maybe she is tired of seeing my wrinkled beautiful face...

Phikza
08 Jul 2009 11:02

but to change intliyo ka ma....meant to change intliziyo kamama khe

moving out wont help...............zozoe....i think it would help...she should first talk to her mom together with her father and her lil sis but if mom doenst get it...then she move out, akuzunceda uku-nurse(a) umntu ongafuni ukuchincha....at the end of the end its about her happiness not mom's...she tried making her mom happy when she went to varsity got a a job and all....but mom doesnt appreciate so she must move...but ofcoz dad will be there for her mom so she "might" not commit suicide after all

Dasha
08 Jul 2009 11:14

The most painful pain is being intentionally hurt by your own mother who you were inside of her for 9 months. The saying “what does not kill you makes you stronger” is so true in every sense. Please tell your friend that she is “Gold in refinery”. I know it’s not easy but gold needs to go through strong fires to be purified.

Picture this “a small girl (in std 1) coming from school with her results and scared to go home because her OWN mother would mock her because she got position 1”. It still hurts… a lot. I look back at my life and I wouldn’t change anything about my past if given the chance to. I’m stronger today because I went through unimaginable circumstances.

zozoe
08 Jul 2009 11:46

Amen Dasha i think you are the right person to give counselling to this frend ya Batho

Lbg
08 Jul 2009 11:54

thnx Batho for writting this i always thought I was the only one with a horrible mother i think am over her behaviour now I used to cry on a daily basis but now I just feel pity for her.
Wen I was young she would always mock me tell me how I can't go to town by myself how stupid I was.She would hit for the silliest things if I didn't hear her calling me she would smack me.
Now that am working she seems to think I have to buy everything and only the best.My uncle took his TV sometime in December and I had to buy a new one I wanted to buy a cheap 74cm and she said I might as well leave it then y can't I buy a plasma she will buy the tv herself and she doesn't even work.
She is rude to my grandmother and she swears at my granny wen i tell her she is wrong she starts telling me i think am grown woman but I pay for almost evrything the house.
She has neva told me that she loves me or even hug me i don't know my dad.
Am stronger than that now I don't let her get to me.
My only wish is wen I do have children they must spend the least amount of time with her.

Zothile
08 Jul 2009 11:55

Batho this story breaks my heart because I can relate to it. My mother is quite successful in her career.They have a beautiful house  and drive nice cars. My father is a kind, caring and reliable husband and father but I have experienced jelousy from her.


The jelousy reared its ugly head when I finished varsity and stayed at home. However, I think it was always there kancinci but yabankulu when I started working. I remember when I was 6 or 7 my dad bought me these plastci earrings (that are now back in fashion and were in fashion then), he thought since they were plastic zilungele mna as a kid. My mom had a fit and she took them and wore them herself.

When I started working I stayed @ home 4 a year. When I'd buy clothes she'd be somehow. I moved out of home and have been quite successful myself. I own about 4 properties in JHB, 3 of wich I am renting out and stay in one in the northern surbarbs of JHB. I have a flat in the City Bowl of CPT and drive a georgeous car. Sana when I bought my car she said all kinds of horrible things like 'ndizakuwa' etc.

I studied further and have an MBA, my brother ondilamayo is still battling with i-undergrad degree. Umama sana she once said to me, after I had paid my brother's varsity fees (while he is failing) that 'boy children were more important than girls'. 

My brother has always been her favourite and unfortunately he is not successful in life. I refuse though to hate my brother because of this and naye shame so far he has a good spirit.

Like the mother of your friend my mom naye is a good pretender in front of visitors and she wants me to disregard the nasty things she says sometimes and act like they never happened. I avoid my parents and I never visit for more than 2 days at their place. My dad says nothing but always calls me to encourage me to do well.

Best-Achiever
08 Jul 2009 12:02

tjo tjo tjo .... hhayi guyssuch things .... mnkm mnkm mnk *shaking my head in total astonish*

zozoe
08 Jul 2009 12:08

i am glad to see that we not the only ones

Zothile
08 Jul 2009 12:12

I also pity my mom. I also think God maybe things this way so I can rely on Him more than my parents. For me I rely on God and He knows that ithemba elinya andinalo (like Simphiwe Dana sang kuNdiredi).  

Batho
08 Jul 2009 12:13

Wow your story is inspiring Zothile and I am going to print all your replies guys and let her read them maybe she will gain some straight and be insipred.

You know another thing is my friend has an older brother. He doesn't visit them at all apparently its because of this mother but I don't know the full story about the brother. But I suspect its because of the mother that the brother has vanished so many years. I think its been five years since she has seen her brother. Mind you the brother is in the same town as them and they are not very far from each but this brother doesn't set a foot in his home. 

Best-Achiever
08 Jul 2009 12:15

Lbg, Zothile, Zozoe,  Dasha and Batho(on behalf of your friend) .come here

(((((((Big and Warm Hugs)))))   ******kisses on your forheads*******

im a totally shocked

Phikza
08 Jul 2009 12:24

WOW, Zithole...you did a great thing for moving out...and made happyness for yourself! Batho...your friend should honestly consider moving as soon as she gets a chance...mothers like that never change noba kungathwani......there are horrible living creatures out there! I'm actually upset too coz a friend of mine is going through the exact thing......but she's engaged now, hope she will find the happyness that she derserves.

zozoe
08 Jul 2009 12:24

look now Zothile became the best person ever and now her hope ,trust is only from God she can be able to do it on her own 

have you seen a bo mamas baby they cant do a thing withou their moms

Dasha
08 Jul 2009 12:25

So sweet of you BA, thanx... Zothile I feel you. With me I suffered because of my older sister who is still struggling with studies even today. I also don't have any hard feelings with her. I'm financially supporting her & her son. I started working more than 6 yrs ago, I'm now a Director & launching my other part time business (shisanyama/carwash)  soon. This is what I call life. It might feel unfair sometimes but everything happens for a reason.

zozoe
08 Jul 2009 12:28

thanks BA we love you more

zozoe
08 Jul 2009 12:35

i am COL <Crying Out Loud> thanks Dasha, Zoo, Lbg i am encouraged to go rock this life i can do it if you did it i can 

oh oh oh Everything happen for a reason 

God I love you

Lbg
08 Jul 2009 12:38

thnx BA and Zothile you are right it moves one closer to the Lord.

Zothile
08 Jul 2009 12:40

Enkosi BA, hope we all learn from this and become loving mothers oneday.

Phikza
08 Jul 2009 12:43

qinani bethuna u-Bawo ukhuna......am also adding to BA's warm hugs {{{{{{{{{{squeezing all five of you}}}}}}}}}}}

Sips
08 Jul 2009 13:02

Hey bloggers.....i know exactly what your friend is going through Batho i was in that situation from when i was 13yrs until 18. (only started staying with her when i was 13) And beliave me it can be your own mother.....I've also got a younger sister but at the time i was only suffering....i grow up wanting to die...i didn't beliave that my mother was my real mother.....she'd tell me that am ugly, i'll never be anything in life - i'll be a no good dog just like my father, she'd call me "into engahoywanga ngutata wayo" (a thing that his/her father doesn't care about) - she'd say these things out of the blue.....she'd be looking at me and the next thing she'd say would be those things....& i just couldn't understand...i once phoned her boyfriend coz she didn't come home the day she said she would and i was worried that something might have happened to her so i phoned the bf at work coz she didn't have a cellphone (back in 2000 i think) and when she came home she shouted at me - telling me how stupid i was & stuff and she didn't give me a taxi fare to school the next day (she told me i should use the money i wasted phoning her bf) and when i was about to leave (was going to ask a friend for the money) she told me i should take off the uniform coz it was her money that bought it..... i took it off and didn't go to school - & she told me i shouldn't be at her house she was disgusted just by looking at me.....tell me what do u do when your own mother say all those things to you - i thought she hated me...she never said or did anything funny infront of other ppl...(so i beliave your friend when she says she can pretend - b/z they sure can) and it's very difficult to talk about the issue with a family member or anyone for that matter b/z on the other hand you want to protect them....you don't want the whole world to know that she's like that - you wish she'd change....She'd buy me some cheap school shoes and buy my sister "toughies" (imagine a grade 11 student on some cheap chines school shoes) i thought it was b/z my father wasn't there for me & my sister (but i still  couldn't understad why did i have to suffer alone coz my father wasn't supporting my sister as well. 


I grew up not wanting to be alive but when i couldn't be knocked down by a car i thought i had to pay her for being in this world - i thought if i wouldn't have been born she'd be happy - my plan was to make her happy, i never thought about what i wanted in life all i wanted was to work and give her money....and i did that - studies & worked at the same time (baby sitting, doing ppl's ironing & washing at the age of 19) But as i grew up i realised that i needed to pray - b/z she never wanted to talk about it - when i suggested counciling she'd tell me that b/z am educated i think am better than her (so the university thing its a tool that she uses against your friend) funny thing was that when i started working & doing this for us (me, her & my sister) she changed - never said all those things to me.....show'd me that she was proud of me & stuff. I moved from home and i relocated in Cape Town, we're still alright - But now she sometimes does the things she did to me to my sister who's still at home....and its a problem that i irritatesme & makes me completly mad - when i talk to her about it she'd say now that you're "educated" (she how that word is used) you think that am not a good mother.....tell me how did you get to where you are today & bla bla bla bla....then we won't talk for like weeks & she'd be crying and playing the victim.....and tell me to take my sister - i told her that i

LM
08 Jul 2009 17:08

Sho!!!!

makgotso
08 Jul 2009 19:46

Im so touched guys by your experience,just know that God loves you so much en He cares.

extinct
09 Jul 2009 03:46

The bible says respect ur parents and what do u do when parents are abusive does the scripture change NO it doesn't one thing i've noticed here is how bad ya'll describe the relationship but i can stil feel the sense of respect and the bible says a mother can forget the child she bore but the Lord wil never forsake u and i'l encourage everyone of u to forgive ur parents and how do u kno you forgave someone is when u think bout them and don't think bout the wrong they did and the bible again says what is man that u a mindful of the Lord cares a lot bout and some of us are caring heavy loads that should be turned to him so that we can have better lives i lost my mom at the age of 16 and she wasn't all i needed but she loved us and i'm happy i experienced that i'l leave u guys with psalm 126 and psalm 8 i love u all if i could be of more help pm me

Strolicious
09 Jul 2009 07:47

Sips im in tears by reading ur story...

zozoe
09 Jul 2009 10:31

its over now Jesus came so we may have life and have life abundantly John 10:10

cleve
09 Jul 2009 10:52

Guys am really shocked at how abusive mothers can be. The world paints such a beautiful picture of our mothers. Mothers are supposed to be your rock besides God. They are supposed to protect you from the harshnes of this world. Love you, nuture you and teach you to be a beautiful mother to your kids aswell.

I really never thought some woman could be so angry and actually make the life of their offspring difficult.
I have only experienced LOVE from my mother. Even though I am a grown married woman I know that I will NEVER suffer in this world as long as she and my DAD are still alive. I thank God that I didn't have to go through what you guys experienced. Only you know the pain of being betrayed by the one and only person who is supposed to look after you as chosen by God.


I am happy that you guys have lived and are still strong enough to survive.
SIPS, Dasha Lbg and your friend Batho. I pray that you guys are the best thing that will EVER happen to your kids. I pray that you are loving mothers despite the tribulations you have been through.

AMEN


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