x close

SOUTH AFRICA'S TV WEBSITE

SOUTH AFRICA'S TV WEBSITE

ACTORS | ARTICLES | CASTINGS | SHOWS | TEASERS

my tarumatic life experience

Written by yeye from the blog my life is too painful on 06 Aug 2009
Favourite this post

Hiladies and gents, i have been meaning to post this for over 3months. I really need your views on my troubles circumstances in my life.

I have a son who is 3yrs and i love him to too much. I dated his father for more than 3years before we had him, in the relationship he did nothing but hurt me constantly- he was based in the Eastern Cape and i am in JHB. he cheated on me, made 1girl pregnant and talked her into having an abortion.i have found the women in his house and he always had an excuse, from she is a physo, threathning suicide. I stood by him till the relationship ended.

As i was rejoicing that,he went on a year end function driving with what i knew as a collegue, had an accident and only to find out that he had an affair with her, she was an intern in their company.
Fighting that with him he convinced me that is was over. while i was 7months pregnant i found this womens belongings in his house and i dealt with the clothes-befriend the siccisor and when i left the Eastern Cape he was not talking to me because of what i did.

We both agreed to get married and he paid lobola. as happy as we were the ex girlfriend from work kept contact after i had my son. I was troubled and hurt, and i found out later that i was suffering from postnal deppresion.I then requested a break, i could not get intimate with him, i didnt want to see him and i didnt understand why. Throughout the break, everything was fine he maintaned our child.

To my surprise as he was constantly begging that we get back together, he had another girlfriend. we both agreed to get back together, coming back from him i received a threatning fone call from the girlfriend telling me to leave him alone. i was hurt and destroyed.

I left her boyfriend and 2 months later the man denied that my son was his, claiming there is a man who called him. That killed me as i was still dealing with my part 1 deppression. we fought for 9months 2008, took him to court as he stopped maintanance, made me look like a fool and that i was after his money(i loved him earning R4000). i decided to accept and did the Paternity thest.

He made me feel like he was entitled to the partenity.part 2 of my deppression came in, i could not afford to provide for my child, got listed as i had no money to fully look after my child. i had to now contribute, medical aid, day care, food, clothing all on my own. I had to deal with my anger of how can he do this to me, deny my child. i was devastated and i thought i was fine- untill i ended up in hosptila this year for 2weeks with deppression.

He still doesnt want to contribute fairly to the child and tells me that i must stop bothering him, he has moved on and i must do the same (I have moved on long time ago, i dont understand why he thinks maintanance=attention

i am hurting everyday and some days i take it out on my poor son, i am trying as it is.why am i still hurting,.have i failed my child?i feel i have killed an opportunity for him to be raised by a family..

To me questioning the partenity of my son left me cold..
please help...

Anon#JHB

50 Comments

nonzuzo
06 Aug 2009 13:11

You have not failed your son at all. Do you honestly think he would have had a happy home/family with a cheating father and depressed mother. You are soooooo better off without him and even though things maybe be difficult for you guys right now, the Lord will provide girl. You just need to be strong and take care of that boy as best as you can. Please forget this man and move on with your life. He will have his day one day and believe me it won't be nice.

I am soo hurt that you are going through this but a lot of women have travelled this raod and they survived and they are raising their kids on their own and happy. You will also reach that stage one day. Be strong sisi and pray to God to give you the strength and financial wellbeing you seek to take of the little angle he gave you.

Ms. Jay
06 Aug 2009 13:16

Shame sisi, read the article entitled overcoming the voice of discourgament on Cody's blog, there is some advice you could use.....

BigMama
06 Aug 2009 13:27

If most of us where to share our stories, l would just say l have been in that boat. l have been through something similar to that, except that my partner cheated once ( that l know of) and only discovered when the gal was pregnant.

l loved him to bits and even if my family told me otherwise l would just say let it be my mistake.

My son is turning 3 end of the year. l don't depend on an one. My family supports me here and there, but l take care of the rest. l don't earn much but l make sure that my son fits among the other kids. He dad used to support him when he felt like and l used to get worried, but l told myself that l will cut on some expenses from my side and provide for my boy.

To cut the long story short, l suggest you be like me. It won't be easy but you will have to do it for your son. Get over the man and move on with your life. You only need God to depend on, you can stand on your own two feets and say "l Can". Just delete his contact details and never call him when the child is sick or anything. Don't waste your money with lawyers and all that do it yourself.

he doesn't care about the child, so don't force him just let him be. l wish we can meet and l will tell you my full story. l was in your situation but now, l am a happy single mother. l provide my son with everything that l can afford. The only time l get upset is when he ask, mum when will my dad ever come pick me up at school. But all in all God has been good to me.

GML
06 Aug 2009 13:31

After he cheated on you so many times you still went back and married the man.

Forget about the man and focus on gettng yourself out of debt and be happy with your child. He made you an Ass by lying to you repeatedly and making you think that he really loved you.

I say you must go to his place with a truck and men to help you pack. You are married and therefor entitled to half his things especially because he does not pay maintenance.

Get the fridge, microwave, TV, dvd player, kettle, cups. spoons, and his sofas. Also take a big knife and rip his bad in the middle form the one end to the other.

Tell him that you will be coming again in 2 months time to collect maintenance money otherwise you will take more furniture.

Also take the other woman's clothes and put them in a bin and burn them.. tell him that if he cant buy your child clothes then his slut wont have clothes either....

BigMama
06 Aug 2009 13:34

@GML..........don't start with making trouble, she can't keep on hurting herself like that.

nonzuzo
06 Aug 2009 13:38

Eiy wena GML kodwa???? You watch too many action movies neh??

Mina ngithi BigMama and her should meet bcos i believe if she can get some advice from someone who's been there she can understand that she'll be just fine and she will stop stressing. Going back to take the property will bring her more problems coz now u sistaz lo omunye will be on her back.....

She should just cut her loses and move on. She doesn't deserve this gabbage....

GML
06 Aug 2009 13:38

@BigM: She is not hurting herself, she is simply collecting papgeld in another form. not cash but in other ways. hawu. It's justice

GML
06 Aug 2009 13:42

@nonzuzo: I really hardly ever watch TV. I just have an active imagination

Mina I would make his life a living misery because thats what he did.

But ke sisi maybe you are not as cold hearted as me. So I suggest you pretend that he does not exist and sort yourself out

BigMama
06 Aug 2009 13:52

@GML.........she needs to forget about all this. She will get a man who will love her for who she is. l believe in life we all deserve the best and we/ l can get all the best if l do something about it. She has a choice of being behind his ass or make something better of her life.

Its not easy letting go of someone you love, but they say love does not hurt. l say be strong and make sure that you live your life the way you want. Don't let him control your life, be around people, don't bottle your problems, speak out and let them have their say. Yes some will laugh and talk behind your back, but just tell yourself thus life.

Zazacious
06 Aug 2009 13:53

I dont know whe to start, But I hope you do not have any "I wanna get back with him feelings" cause he has caused you so much grief gal. I dont know how but just try to provide for your child(ask family for help) It aint wrong to admitt when you need help.

As for that *&^^$^*&&&$!##%$^^%$#@@#$^*^&%&^%^%^$ of a guy, I hope when the results come back positive, u take him back to court and he must do right by his child (Hell take halfhis salary if you must)

Ayoba GML love the clean him out idea.
mara guys why do we women do this 2ourselves. He hurts u once you 4give him, twice you doubt but you still 4give/ Third time around you dont even talk. just pack your stuff and get the hell out of there. you will find some1 who will love and respect you the way you want to be. But dont stay in an uhhealthy relationship

yeye
06 Aug 2009 14:01

@Zazacious - the results came back it it his child.

nonzuzo
06 Aug 2009 14:02

You also need to establish some support system with close family members from your side and friends. People you can talk to, cry with and who can assist you when you need it here and there. Forget about him. Like BigMama said cut down on some expenses, pay off your debts and try and provide for your son on your own.

You'll make it...

mstick
06 Aug 2009 14:14

hey girl sad story indeed......all i can say is kneel down and pray asking God to make you strong so you can look after your baby. its over between papa ngwana le wena you just need to move on and close the chapters, whats the point of crying yourself to sleep for someone who did not care about you and your child who does'nt even love you.

You've got nothing to loose girl by letting go but more to gain and to achieve. It's time you start thinking about your future how to look after your baba and how to get out of debts that's more important than crying for this jerk or let alone think of him.

Remember TD Jakes " IF someone wants to leave your life, LET THEM GO"

cleve
06 Aug 2009 14:19

Hhayi GML you always make me LOL, coz I knwo your replies are devoius (SP) stories

BigMama
06 Aug 2009 14:20

@mstick........very well said sweety.

goldii
06 Aug 2009 14:23

You are not the first nor will you be the last. Some women have exprerienced worse and they have survived. At least you have a job, the same cannot be said for some women who go thru worse.

You need to pick yourself up and move on with your life just as he has done with his life.

Children do grow up dear and the jackasses usually want to come back and be part of the childs life when they are successful.

From experience the greatest pleasure as that child is telling them to ***** off

jazzyree
06 Aug 2009 14:36

Dont let this man destroy you pick yourself up you will be surprised on how much of a strong person you are .

jazzyree
06 Aug 2009 14:36

Dont let this man destroy you pick yourself up you will be surprised on how much of a strong person you are .

mstick
06 Aug 2009 14:39

Tnx BM the thing ke gore it breaks my heart when our sisters go through this dilemma.....there is more to life than stressing about ppl who will not even remember your last name

lady gaga
06 Aug 2009 14:43

Love is blind it will take over your mind.......need i say more!!

Holiday
06 Aug 2009 14:51

Hi blogers...can someone just say gwap..gwap article for me im just damn lazy to read before i comment.

lady gaga
06 Aug 2009 15:00

Aowa Holiday what with the laziness, cum now girl get ur groove back on!!!

guys beware there's a Lady Gogo on the loose, think i created something but cnt remember where and when....lol

BigMama
06 Aug 2009 15:08

TheLady.........please just be gentle on her. As lady g, said, love is blind and when someone you loves cheats, u will just say no let me give them a second chance.

mathata
06 Aug 2009 15:13

you need help.

At this moment i dont think you are the first person to deal with this,im sorry something is not right with you.get a life

you are a trash bin for this guy.

honey the are good guys out there,but if you dont heal the inner you ..nothing will work.

all i can say, take a condom ,get a guy n say can you f** me,the next day you will realise life has more to offer that b*s*.

the next thing think about the future of your child,bcs if you are not happy how can you give a child love when you dont love yourself.

im not clean,but sex is a good medicine,only one day.

Honey no one own a person,dont have any expectation from human remove that.

dont play a victim,if you have a job n soul n your child what more do you want from God?ppl out there they have sick kids,this is just a small problem.

pls dont create more mess for your child,standup

all of us has problems but we fight until we accept that the way life is.

pls dont bother that guy any more(money)feed your child what you have,he wont die mos.

BigMama
06 Aug 2009 15:15

yes, yes, yes, well said again mathata....

mstick
06 Aug 2009 15:23

guys beware there's a Lady Gogo on the loose, think i created something but cnt remember where and when....lol

Saw that Lady G.....LOL

yeye
06 Aug 2009 15:34

thank you all for your responses, i left him a year and half ago, all what hurt me is that how can he do wrong to his own child. he must support his child even if we are no longer together.

Manthaka
06 Aug 2009 15:36

bloggers; can we be a bit gentle with her; the lady has already been hospitalised because of deppression caused by this man. we all know that man are good liers;
and because we women are sometimes so weak; making them heaven and earth in our lives we end up accepting the way they treat us.

my advice; forget about this man; even maintenance; you will be able to support your child with the little that you have. i dont believe in forcing someone that know very well that he has a child; he is not even worth taking to court.
"lebitla la tlala ga le gona" he ill eat what you eat.

make sure you forget that he ever exist; it is very easy believe me. like Mathata said start dating; do not date with the hope that you will get married to the man; just explore sesi.
because you will end up hurting yourself all over again; men can see through a desperate woman and play with her feelings.

maddie
06 Aug 2009 15:36

Love is blind it will take over your mind....... @ladygaga

I think we sometimes do not understand love and what it means to love and be loved, we confuse love with attachment.

my advice find out exactly what is it that makes u go back to this guy repeatedly and deal with that, it might be a deep rooted emotional issue that u urself need to deal with and be honest with urself.

forget about what he did to u, concentrate on ur well being and that of your child.

one last thing, Ladies please let us take responsibility when it comes to having kids,why do we continue to get impregnated by these guys that we know aren't even going to marry us or love us for that matter, and then we complain that they dont take care of their kids.

ukuba no mtana should be an agreement between two people, and if u haven't come to dat agreement, please insist on a condom or use contraceptives, it's women month for pete sake

suzzy82
06 Aug 2009 15:38

Hey woman tell yourself that its enough maan ,go out there and get a job for yourself and take care of that baby, be a mother and a father at the same time
tell yoursef that his father is dead then u'll be able to move just be strong ,if you still have parents why r u stressing ur self he'll say daddy to ur father,he'll know about his real daddy when he is eaight u'll tell him the whole story

belz
06 Aug 2009 15:39

SMH.

BigMama
06 Aug 2009 15:45

Reply from: yeye 8/6/2009 9:34:36 PM

thank you all for your responses, i left him a year and half ago, all what hurt me is that how can he do wrong to his own child. he must support his child even if we are no longer together.

That will happen when he wants and ready to do so. If l am copying with being a mother and a father to my son, why can't you. Some man will always run away from responsibilities and thus life we have to live with it.

Tshd21
06 Aug 2009 15:46

tell yoursef that his father is dead then u'll be able to move...

tl tl tl tl tl LMAO

mathata
06 Aug 2009 15:52

@manthaka,we must be gentle bcs shis been hospitalised...hell no.she has a child to raise.

i v been hospitalised more than four times in foreign countrys,with cardio,my child was diabetic... who has problems?

manthanka if we bacame gentle with her who is going to be honest with her?a friend who will gossip about her ?

one thing you can give it to a person without regret is for being honest.

this chick must realise that life doesnt wait for her

yeye
06 Aug 2009 15:53

@suzzy82- i dont have parents, i am trying believe u me for my child. somedays are better than others.

Manthaka
06 Aug 2009 15:58

@suzzy82-tell yoursef that his father is dead
i always tell husby that if we get divorced you must know that you are dead in my life; i will not force you to look after your children; if you are the real man; you will know your responsibilities; i will not ask a dime from you.

mstick
06 Aug 2009 16:05

@suzzy82- i dont have parents, i am trying believe u me for my child. somedays are better than others.

girl i still say your situation is sad but you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself but stand up and put a fight.......you not alone blv me God is there every step of the way mara he needs to meet him halfway and by meeting him halfway is by being strong, having faith and leaving in prayer.....His our Comforter in situations that are seen difficult

Pray girl ask everything in prayer you will see how simple life can be when you have the one who knows what tommorow holds for us.

Stay Blessed

Sammis
06 Aug 2009 16:08

Yeye girl, You may be separated with this "Mbhuzi" (sp), but you're still bitter for what he did to you (the child aside). you really do need to deal with this. Seek counselling girl or support groups for abused women coz you were being abused. Maybe not physically but emotionally.

I really can't believe you put up with him for that long! shoo!

ngwana
06 Aug 2009 16:13

tell yoursef that his father is dead then u'll be able to move...>>>.

That is not a bad suggestion.
He is negative energy, and that is a major contributor to your depression. Let go of the negative in your life.
It wont be easy taking care of your child on your own but lots of women have gone through what you are going through and they have all survived.
This will pass sisi. Just focus on making things work for you and your son, dont even think about your ex.

lady gaga
06 Aug 2009 16:14

i dont have parents, i am trying believe u me for my child. somedays are better than others. girl dnt make that destroy ur life, pull urself together and be positive,pray and seek help. if u cant do it for urself then do it for ur child!!!

Green.arrow
06 Aug 2009 16:15

Hey im very sorry to heara about your story. Its one of the stories tht make me sad and angry about oru society. The problem with the guy is bigger thn you sisi, so exapending youur nergy on trying to solve and figure it out is a watse of good energy tht u could be lavishing on your baby, your self and people arround you who deserve it.

My dad did that to me and my 2 siblings. And my my mom hustled for us with a domestic workers's salries, and today we have two graduates and one on the way. She helf up for us...did almost anything. Walking long miles. Both her parents were dead, no support from her siblings...but she walked miles tht required taxis and still came back home with so much love for us.

Sepedi sere...Mmago ngwana o tswara thipa mo bogaleng ( a mother holds a knife on its cutting edge?)..so i agree with mathata....be strong..be a lioness and go out there and do it for you baby.
It will be hard...i know it must have been hard and pafor my mom, im sure Bigmama will agree tht its not all easy..,she already highlighetd some of the lows....but the ultimate reward is priceless......for your child, and eventually for you, you will be hole again but you have to fight and be procative towrads all that.

You can do this sisi....think of a lioness going out to go hunt for its family......

suzzy82
06 Aug 2009 16:15

@yeye:ok gal then be a mother and a father at the same time share that love with him i mean ur baby ,he need your love more than anything ,u can do it gal

awelani
06 Aug 2009 16:32

SMH in disbelief...

Green.arrow
06 Aug 2009 16:36

and sisi....Bigmama already mentioned tht its sad when you cant answer questions your baby asks you about their dad...
You'll feel bad tht you cant provide some materials staff and perishables ( yoghuts (in my days)....etc..whatever current treats kids like)...
etc...etc etc
But whatever your best provide for your kid with lots and lots and lots of love. But you have to be able to love yourslef in order for the love to resonate with your baby.
Apperciate the little you have so you can be able to teach you baby how to appreciate it as well. He/she will knwo if you are not appreciative and will feel like there is lack.

If you eat pap and morogo one night....serve with a smile and love and be greatfull. I still love eating this bcos at home it wasnt a sad event when we had it.

Pray tht God gives you the wisdom to answer some of the questions. Surround yourself with people who will give you good council. If you dont have them,seek them out.....somewhere...and make the initiative to go to them.
And you will be amazed at how God can fill the father void. Dpending on how you present the issue to you baby, they can either be strong and better people for it, or be broken by the fact. You have to be positive.

again...you can do this....you are a woman.......and you are nt alone.

Cody
06 Aug 2009 17:28

Eish this is painful indeed, sesotho sere "dikeledi tsa mosadi ha di wele fatshe" (loosely translated as, tears of a woman, dont just fall on the floor).

Bible yona ere Psalm 56:8 "you keep track of all my sorrows, you have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book".

Girl find God, you will be amazed at the comfort he gives you, i dont want to sound all righteous on you but i know what im talking about, you will find peace that passes all understanding.

there is this quote that my friend BA likes, that says: the distance between a problem and a solution is a distance between your knees and the floor.Pray girl, go to church, enter home cells...do something about your life to keep you busy, there is no use to hold a pity party all by yourself, it will not make your hurt go away, it will only make it worse! Wallowing in self pity makes you bitter not better.

You wont understand it now, and as you go to church everything wont make sense because your spirit is over clouded by your anger and hurt, force yourself to go to church anyway, force yourself to pray, you will see, the second week, you will be feeling a whole lot better.

Phela he have so many promises from God, he says in Psalm 145:14 the Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads, and again in Psalm 147, it says, He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

the Lords promises are good indeed, and he is faithful, i bet you have tried the rest,now its time to try the best. Go to him and see for yourself his yoke is lighter.

Green.arrow
06 Aug 2009 17:37

...i feel like copying and pasting what you just wrote Cody...in bold. because it is true true true....

HARAMBE24
06 Aug 2009 21:50

tjoo and i thought i had man issues....

Lela
06 Aug 2009 23:11

Sana only Jesus can help you,go to church and attend all services and go for Christian counselling. It helps I've been there I know,to prove that it does I'm even friends with the man(and his wife) who left me seven mooths pregnant to get married.

sweetie my baby
07 Aug 2009 14:47

at the risk of sounding cruel.... when will women learn??? *sigh*.

as oprah, or was it dr. phil said - "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." your ex showed you numerous times that he was an a$$hole who doesn't give a sh!t about you and your kid. why you married him and agreed to have his child, after all that, is a mystery...

so do yourself a favour - or three.

1. go into therapy - you're right about one thing - you're extremely traumatised, and need help. no shame in this - just go and sort yourself out. this man's put you through hell, you need to find your way back to yourself.

2. fight like a demon to get maintenance for your kid from the courts. that's a non-negotiable. he helped you make a baby. it's time to pay up.

3. get a life. keep a journal, develop a hobby, hang out with friends, family, colleagues - people who love, treasure and value you. your self-esteem has taken a beating, and to be a good mother, you have to be a happy woman. you're no good to your son in this current state of unhappiness and depression.

4. come to terms with the fact that your ex is a pig who doesn't give a sh!t. don't hope for any better. this is who he is. finish and klaar. all you need from him is the maintenance $. beyond that, dont' look to him for ANYTHING.

all the best in your bright new future.

maud
07 Aug 2009 15:09

forget about that useless ex of yours ubezokugulisa anyway,
trust me you dont need a man to be happy, love yourself first sisi the rest will follow, maintain your child he will be very proud of you when he grow up.

as hard as it is ,your destiny is not tide to him.

Only TVSA members can reply to this thread. Click here to login or register.