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Love, stupidity or suicide?

Written by Waka from the blog Real Life on 19 Mar 2010
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My boyfriend is HIV positive. He told me this last year, not sure if he had just found out or what. Anyway immediately after he told me I went for a test and it came back negative. *phew* you can’t imagine the relief! A month later, while we were getting our groove on, the condom broke *ahhhhh, nightmare*. The next day I went to the Dr and he prescribed ARV’s which would reduce the risk of infection by 80%. Three months later I went for a follow up test and it came back negative *sigh – more relief*. This week we had another condom break, eish, this time I was livid. I couldn’t go back to my previous Dr because I felt embarrassed, I sought another dr and he prescribed ARV’s (different from the previous one’s). Tjo, if I say I was sick as a dog, it’s an understatement!!! I then decided to ditch them; because there was no ways I was going to go everyday feeling like this. Anyway, I went back to the dr and told him my situation, he then told me that since my man’s viral load is undetectable (because he is on ARVs) there’s little chance of me being infected. *Sigh*, so I’ll be going for more tests in 3 weeks and then again in 2 months.

I love my man; I don’t blame him for any of these incidents. I am comfortable with our situation and our relationship, but sometimes I wonder what other people would do if they were in my situation. Would you date someone who is HIV+?

54 Comments

Waka
19 Mar 2010 12:09

So, would you?

Cnglemother
19 Mar 2010 12:20

No,Realist once said there's no truelove and i realised it the day i bailed out of what you talking about.i just froze at the revelation and distanced myself from the situation with no explanation.

BigMama
19 Mar 2010 12:29

l am not sure, but because l want to be free when l am doing umdavazo, l will probably distance myself as well.

Green.arrow
19 Mar 2010 12:29

hm..thats hectik!

Mathaz
19 Mar 2010 12:30

I know that i would still love him but the thought of him being positive would always hinder my intimate moments with him and to be honest i would break it off. As you have stated, the risks of you being infected are too high...the condoms keep on breaking.

KeleFabulous
19 Mar 2010 12:37

if he didn't catch it as a result of cheating on me i would give it a shot. mara always remember people's threshold differs. you might think you can handle it now when a few months down the line you feel different and bail out. it has nothing to do with love but about whether or not you can let go of the fear of catching it. if i was in love with the man i would hope and pray that my love conquers my fear...you should pray about it

realist
19 Mar 2010 12:39

Would you date someone who is HIV+?
If you are not in a contract and you are still dating and using condoms, the assumption is that you are both POSTIVE until you both get tested and know your status. I think that answers your question, doesn’t it?

@Cnglemother
That is being honest with yourself and at least your partner was also honest with you. Must have been hectic.

Rams Baby
19 Mar 2010 12:43

Hmmm ya neh...

Rams Baby
19 Mar 2010 12:43

Hmmm ya neh...

poshspice
19 Mar 2010 12:55

to those who say they will dump the person, have you ever thought that tomorrow it might be you who is HIV positive and needing support..

how would you feel if your boyfriend dumps you because of your status. Do you know that many people do not get HIV because they are promiscuous..they happen to fall in love, trust and find themselves in the situation.

you won't be having protected sex for ever so any of you might still get infected even trhu your partners whom you can't guarantee they will always be faithful and use procetion.

It is a hard decision but there are many couples who are in positive/negative relationship.

Tholi
19 Mar 2010 13:03

@poshspice, Well said!!

lady gaga
19 Mar 2010 13:05

not sure abt this one hey!

poshspice
19 Mar 2010 13:12

To the writer, it is definitely not stupidity, it is uncomfortable and unpredictable but you have a good heart and I think you'll put many christians to shame because this situation tests your faith and love, unconditional love..and believe me you will be blessed for accepting your partner, that is why you've remained negative, god will protect you...while you are in the situation...

Studies have been done around this subject (google the subject). A pilot was done with couples like you . They were put on a trial where they had to have unprotected sex to see if the positive partner will infect the negative one.

these couples baffled the medical fratenity because they had reported that they have been having unprotected sex with their positive partners yet they did not get infected, after the study only two couples ended up infecting each other after a long period of time....

a.

realist
19 Mar 2010 13:21

unconditional love..
Poshpiece, on the article its over when its over you said unconditional love does not exist, what changed your mind this time.

Usual Suspect
19 Mar 2010 13:32

yoh...honestly this is a very hard decision.....I think in this case it's more about fear than it is about love....yes you might love the person but you'll always be scared about them infecting you.....funny thing about that is though that we sometimes risk being ifected by people we don't even love or fully know.

Mina personally if I really love that person....it wouldn't be a break up as such...but definitely it will never be the same even if we do remain a couple. I'll be staying cos I care and really love my partner...I'll be there as a supportive friend more than a boyfriend.

Segololo
19 Mar 2010 13:39

I personally believe that when faced with a situation, you make decisions based on what your core bliefs are about life. Often we would assume the reactions we would have if a partner came out the closet whilst in a heterosexual relationship, a partner beats you up and treats you like crap, a partner cheats on you - BUT until you face the situation you REALLY DON'T know what you would do. SO, I know now that if my hubby came home + I would most likely leave him because we got tested before we got intimate, we got tested when we were preggas with our 2 kids and our tests were negative...

I would advise you to get counselling - People that are living positively with negative partners may face this situation all the time. How do they deal with it? and most have been together for years... Chriselda Kananda may have a website or a column that addresses such concerns... Good luck!

smithato
19 Mar 2010 13:42

Eish tough one. Look if u r comfartable and happy with ur man then wtf what ppl say. Why date a -ve person and be unhappy. Relationships need happiness to work out nicely.

Just to go a little bit off, my girl Thembi just found out tht I have daughter who is a week old. Yes I kept it silent and all. I was planing to tell her but she found out prior to tht. It is very hectic and the fact tht we r happy and enjoy each other and the relationship, we find it point less nad hard to break up and let go. (I have just posted a blog on this)

Similar, if u r satis, keep ur man/woman... Simple!!! Your joy first...

Segololo
19 Mar 2010 13:47

Errrrr.... and change the condom brand!! :-)

Best-Achiever
19 Mar 2010 13:47

Tough one Waka ...

If i met him HIV+ and loved him regardless, they we will cotinue with the relationship .
If he is + because of being unfaithful to me, then TOUGH.

realist
19 Mar 2010 13:50

Errrrr.... and change the condom brand!! :-)
Will not make any difference, they all break.

poshspice
19 Mar 2010 13:57

You got me there Realist, I should have said for accepting her partner in his condition... Yep, still believe there is no unconditional love!!!

poshspice
19 Mar 2010 14:01

My boyfriend is HIV positive. He told me this last year, not sure if he had just found out or what.

what prompted him to do the test and how long had you known each other when he told you this?

realist
19 Mar 2010 14:04

I should have said for accepting her partner in his condition...
Agreed.

Best-Achiever
19 Mar 2010 14:06

kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa @poshspice's investigative journalism.... would love to know also *hides*

one_size_fits_all
19 Mar 2010 14:20

Why do condoms break kanene??

Waka
19 Mar 2010 14:36

@Kelefab, girl trust me i pray about this, and the great thing is that my faith is so strong in this situation that it does not keep me awake at night.

@Poshspice, thank you for your words of encouragement. To tell you the truth, it was not a hard decision to make. From the day he told me, i was with him, i told him i am not leaving because of what happened, and that because he is positive it does not change the person that he is.

@Segololo, i totaly i agree, each situation is different, and should not be genaralised. And yes we are changing the condom brand...this featherlight stuff is too light for our situation

Sobza
19 Mar 2010 15:22

I hope you and your man are not using Choice condoms....thengani ezomeleleyo, you might not be lucky next time.

Toxic
19 Mar 2010 15:51

nami i don't understand how condoms break. it's NEVER happened to me before. am i having bad sex?

poshspice
19 Mar 2010 15:55

@ Waka what prompted him to do the test and how long had you known each other when he told you this?

I am wondering why did he go alone to do the test, are couples not supposed to discuss these things and agree to take the test and share results....especially if you have been having unprotected sex...

Zothile
19 Mar 2010 16:02

Hhayi kabi but nidavazana kanji to break condoms kangaka. In my 10 year career of having sex, strue , I have never had a broken condom..

Molilo
19 Mar 2010 16:02

LOL @ Toxic having bad sex, as far as i know, condoms break when they are not properly inserted , they have passed the expiring date ,and are overly used that is you take long rounds and they get tired so to say

Toxic
19 Mar 2010 16:11

@Zothile LOL at 10 yr career! kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa!!!

@Molilo hmmmm on that long rounds statement........*light bulb moment*

Da Diva
19 Mar 2010 21:06

Tyo tyo tyo!!!!

Waka
20 Mar 2010 21:04

@poshspice, he does annual tests. We'd been together for 8 months. He went on his own.

Da Diva
20 Mar 2010 22:44

If he's bn unfaithful 2 mi and come back with that virus 4 sure i would dump Him. Unless if he's bn involved in some kind of an accident then ngingabekezela....

Tshilo
23 Mar 2010 13:05

is it 8 Months or 8 years

Zilda
23 Mar 2010 14:04

To tell you the truth, it was not a hard decision to make. From the day he told me, i was with him, i told him i am not leaving because of what happened, and that because he is positive it does not change the person that he is.

You are blessed girl, with a good heart!

Sana Lwam
23 Mar 2010 14:13

8 months Tshilo.... utshilo njena uWaka

Tshilo
23 Mar 2010 14:24

@Sana lwam,i thought its a typing error

vinc
23 Mar 2010 14:42

THis is a hard decision but can you imagine if it was you being infected with the virus and then your partner decides that they have to run as fast as they can how will that make you feel.

If my partner was negative when we met then i wont even listen to what they have to say, i will leave for sure but if it is from a previous relationship then i will stay but no funny business. I have always been honest with partner that if they cheat on me i am not staying i will leave.

Can you imagine leaving someone who has been honest with you and getting yourself a lying and cheating partner. Its easier to say that before you are intimate you must get tested but how many of us do that, i bet you 75% will always say it was a heat of the moment thing and before i realised we were doing it.

One of the ladies that i know is also got the virus and her boyfriend was supposed to come and meet the family next month but when she told him about her status he ran, i mean what is the point they have been together for 5 years and doing it without they even had a child together who did not survive not sure why, but what if he find himself also with the virus what will he do run away from himself, lets face it you are not clean until you get tested. Sorry for the longest reply.

cleve
23 Mar 2010 14:45

ooh Waka you are so blessed yazi. Mina the devil in me will not be able to cope with the situation hence ending in a break up.

Nami I have NEVR had a condom break yazi......

Molilo hmmmm on that long rounds statement........*light bulb moment*

eish nami

mstick
23 Mar 2010 15:21

hey Waka nothing wrong with dating an HIV+ man i'm also dating one and we leave a normal life sometimes i forget his got the virus......he told me a month in our relationship at first i was shocked but later fine cause i always thought to myself if i find a man who is HIV+ i wont have a problem dating them, we have been together for almost a year now 11 months to be exact...what i like about my man he never put me on the risk of me contracting the disease which is something that concerns me about your man, quotting you below

My boyfriend is HIV positive. He told me this last year, not sure if he had just found out or what. Anyway immediately after he told me I went for a test and it came back negative

if your man new they were HIV+ why didnt they tell you earlier and why didnt he use a condom with you?????that rases eyebrows...anyway i must say i admire your courage its not a lot ppl who will do what me and you are doing.....i believe in love and i love my man thats why i sticked around and will marry him i'm very happy:-)

mstick
23 Mar 2010 15:23

new = knew

Sbam
23 Mar 2010 15:33

yaa neh, this is not an easy decision. It test everything u believe in... bt i think one blogger was rite, when saying, it is until u r faced with the situation that u will really know how u would react....

Having said that, i believe there is love(true love), i will stand by him.... and continue to love him...

mstick
23 Mar 2010 15:35

@Kelefab, girl trust me i pray about this, and the great thing is that my faith is so strong in this situation that it does not keep me awake at night.

Amen girl thats why i also sleep at night......i was only restless for the first 2 nights cause reality kept hitting me that his infected but THAT was the devil he wanted to chase me away from this good man....guys i am so blessed to have this man in my life his everything i want in a man....loving,caring, etc.....you know its true when they say you can find blessing in the most worst situation....in my situation i found a husband cause we getting married soon and we will have kids no doubt about that my life is complete

P.S a condom never broke on us so maybe you need toi change your brand waka use Contempo Wet 'n Wild those are nice they have a natural feeling and they are extra lubricated, condoms normally break when one is dry so the extra lubricated helps in case that happens

mstick
23 Mar 2010 15:46

Guys reading the responds above we really need to educate ourself more about HI-Virus one thing for sure its not a death sentence and supporting your Dr statement Waka if someone is on ARVs chances of you contracting HIV if a condom breaks are very slim the viral load is undeatectable, its as if the virus is not there its so hidden

I still say nna i forget gore my man o nale yona HIV i tell you and his been leaving with it for 6 years now and to me that proved that his a strong man and his leaving a positive life....his still achieving more in his life and for the past 6 years his career life evolved in the most remarkable way. He never stopped leaving, his serving his purpose in this world, his my man.....a man i've struggled to find in the negative world i only found him in the positive world *smiling*

mathata
24 Mar 2010 08:41

Waka i smell some stupidity some where.....is a good thing to be in love BUT why condom should broke,both of you knows the conditions.

AT my age,as before i did....that,once you are dry under nomatter what..condom will blast secondly if a dude F** you like his riding a horse.. condom will blast.

Waka tell me what are you asking from GoD??

To my Opinion,i think this guy loves you But he want you to be HIV indirect,why because his not careful,n he thinks you are the only one who can accept him.

i think you are work on a thin line with this Guy,just because he told you his HIV that doest mean his Loyal.

just play that game,the way you play it,One day he will deal with you.

Honey make sure you are not dry,n dont let him use a condom more than five min.

realist
24 Mar 2010 09:02

AT my age,as before i did....that,once you are dry under nomatter what..condom will blast
I thought everyone knew this.... I guess I was wrong.

Waka
24 Mar 2010 09:46

Tjo mstick...THANK YOU....I will definatley be buying Wet and Wild today. Thank you for your honesty. I was beginning to feel that writing about this was not a good idea, but it's great to know that i am not alone in this.

HI-Virus one thing for sure its not a death sentence
very very true....

I still say nna i forget gore my man o nale yona HIV....and to me that proved that his a strong man and his leaving a positive life....
me too!!!

his my man.....a man i've struggled to find in the negative world i only found him in the positive world *smiling*
those are my sentiments

Knowledge is power and u get the knowledge through reading and teacing yourself about this. Its sad that a lot of people are still stigmatising HIV hence people don't test and they infect others. I believe people who die early from HIV are those who don't know their status and by the time they find out its too late. Someone said until you test you should assume you are positive - which is true.

mstick
24 Mar 2010 09:58

its a pleasure dear believe me you are not alone in this and you are right the stigma around HIV is shocking and yes that the main course of infecting others.....if only ppl knew gore the is absolutely nothing wrong with a partner with HIV, you just need to educate yourself about the disease and you will leave a normal life thats it

babygal
06 Apr 2010 12:32

mstick you are living my life, if there is such a thing, been with my man for three and a half yrs now, we went together to do the tests, went together to get the results, his came back + and mine -, when he was told we both cried so much but the thought of leaving him did not even cross mind, only because he was and still is the best for me. we are so happy and i am blessed to have him in my life.

myname
06 Apr 2010 12:48

ja nhe........will come back....

mstick
09 Apr 2010 10:06

@ babygal........thats wonderful girl...it takes courage to do what me, you and Waka are doing....and i'm also glad that the both of you were responsible enough to do the test before engaging in unprotected sexual intercourse.

I love this line

we are so happy and i am blessed to have him in my life.

Waka
11 Apr 2010 23:40

@babygal & mstick...we should start a support group. LOL :)

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