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Growing up and going through life

Written by nice from the blog An inquisitive mind and random thoughts! on 04 Feb 2011
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Human beings are the most complex beings, and to somehow survive in this world there is a certain routine that is introduced in this being's life.

As children, our parents teach us how to behave and in the first two years of life, they decide what is a normal life. What you eat, how you speak and whether you attend church and so on..............Then as you grow up enter friends, neighbours and family who have a lot of influence on your life. Teachers and the whole lot, and you are bound to adopt and pick some habits of all this people that are somehow part of your life.

When you reach a certain age, every one around you is getting married, having babies and it seems like the next logical thing to do. Another way of just going through life.

After reading PruLuv's article about cheaters I began asking myself question about the two major steps ahead. Marriage and kids, in no particular order and I have many questions that I have been asking myself and thought since I have the time to blog I may as well share and get you all thinking about them too:

Why do people want to get married

Is it part of the routine, and the step that all human beings just go through and you follow?
Is it because of loneliness?
The Christian acceptable way to have sex and pro-create?
Next logical thing to do after dating for a while?

Why do people want to have children, I am not referring to oops babies, I am asking people that plan to have babies. Why, what for?

I cant help think that if a person thinks and decides before hand on their own of their reasons, then they could communicate them to the other person and understand each other. There would be less divorces, abandoned and abused babies.

For those that have travelled down this path, please share why you did it and for those that are thinking about it, why do you want to do it?

46 Comments

nice
04 Feb 2011 13:55

Please explain to me you reasons for doing all this

Weiss
04 Feb 2011 14:21

I need a child because my family must see that I can make a baby too... They all think Im useless & always thinking abt parties & good tym. All my investments & riches will go 2 my child 1day.

Weiss
04 Feb 2011 14:28

Oh... I marrying any1 yet even if we were dating 4 over 7 yrs. As long as I think shes a bit of cow I will jst my relationship casual she will b a gal who is my friend. Should I feel different, then I will 2 church with her.

myname
04 Feb 2011 14:31

Thanks Nice, this is nice.

Ok i won’t comment about babies because I didn’t plan my pregnancy. It was my first time and booooom.

OK, I’m 28 this year and you know what, everybody have been telling me the clock is clicking I mean my brothers, aunts, uncles and my mum was the worst pain during Dec holidays. She told me ikhaya lentombi lisekwendeni. Whether I like it or not I will get married. (I just open my eyes wide when she said this) We almost had a huge fight but because she is my mum and I adore I let her talk, and pretend that I’m listening whereas I’m thinking ezam izinto. She is worse these days. Every time we have a conversation it will end up on marriage talk. I even shouted her the other day coz I was pissed off. I mean I cannot decide what I want in my life because she knows more than I do.

She says it's not good for a woman to be alone. I must have a husband. Apparently i wont have dignity and no one will respect me nomzi wam ngekhe ube nesdima coz ngowentombi endala. She prays for me guys and it’s not funny.

I told her I’m comfortable with my space and I still can’t picture myself being Mrs What What but what I know is ndizojola qha. All I see is me and my son, staying together, just the two of us. For now i like everything the way they are.

I cant lie to you, i dont have any reason why i should get married.

nice
04 Feb 2011 14:45

Weiss, just to show them. But you will have to raise the kid, what about what you want?

What would make you different, so much that you would want to marry her?.

Gamalakhe, I think when you eventually find that reason then you will marry. Provided of course you find someone who also wants to marry you.

Weiss
04 Feb 2011 14:46

@myname. I with u 100% on ur comment. Cant find a reason 2 b married yet. But Im thinking of having a child now.

nice
04 Feb 2011 14:52

Pleasure gamalakhe, I have been asking myself all these questions and I was wondering if I am the only that is not ready for both of them. Then I thought that those who do it and dont do it must have their reasons, and hopefully they will be keen to share with us

babye
04 Feb 2011 15:23

hey interestin article
i lost my first baby was few weeks pregnant and it all gone. its been very difficult and its a long path.
my mum was not happy with the situation of having a kid out of wedlock and even though we are planning to get maried with hubby it was going to be very soon.
i need to get married because i need to extend my family and learn more about other things in life. i want to be part of the negotiating ladies during marriage and learn my culture. i still believe in marriage and having someone in your life and growing old wiht is amazing to me. can you imagine an old man living alone (Madiba or Tutu). and also single women in their late 30 turn in akward ways.
my friend's aunt called us last year and told us that there is nothing painful than going home to an empty house. she is single and has grown up kids who are all living their lives and she has all the money but just the fact that there is no one home its hard.
i need marriage for companioshp

Green.arrow
04 Feb 2011 15:25

Why do people want to get married? The Christian acceptable way to have sex and pro-create? ...sadly?, i have see this being the reason for marriage once too many times. Infact my opinion about this is rather torn. I think its a decent thing to do in reverance for God regarding their bodies etc...but i also think it defs may lead to divorce when they realise that marrying for sex (and maybe agape love)..not EROS love is not enough to sustain a marriage.

All i know is that im not yet ready to get married. I got busienss to take care of while im still flying solo, but if it feels right tomorrow, however early, i'd do it. Feeling right to me means, whomever it is has to make sense in the vision that God and I have about my life.

Green.arrow
04 Feb 2011 15:53

Am sorry for your loss babye, it will get better with time sisi..
i need marriage for companioshp ...this caught my attention ...will defs ponder about it.

Children?
Untill im in marriage kids are not an option nor a mega desire for me. But i want to have them..plenty of them, im even going to adopt.

Mathaz
04 Feb 2011 17:16

We dated for four years before we got married.We were still young and naive.We thought that love is the glue that will cleave us together,alas love is hardly a major factor in making a successful marriage.One has to experience marriage for themselves to understand the dynamics of it.

nice
07 Feb 2011 09:20

Baby e, God will help you along the path of comfort you are travelling. I cant begin to imagine what you feel.

GA, its being curious about sex and at the same time fearing God.

PruLuv and baby e, you both mentioned the same issue of companionship and I get you fully. I understand what you are saying and it addresses the part of loneliness but in a more positive way that makes one to want to reconsider. Something to really think about. I just wish by there could be zero Jezebels that cause havoc in other people's marriages.

Mna, one of the things that made me think about marriage is the fact that I wanted to have my wedding day. I was more interested on the wedding that I wanted, my colour scheme, decor, vows and my guest of honour thought out. All these just made me want to have that day and never looked beyond the wedding day. I have been trying to get myself to think about life beyond this and I really got stuck.

Have been observing my married friends, and have noted that some got it right in that they married for companionship and they are making things work and are trully committed to each other. Most of them though, married because of society's pressures and they are at the verge of divorcing cos all of a sudden they have just realised that they dont get each other.

I just believe that I have a lot of things to figure out, and parties to take care of before I get married, should I decide to.

On the part of children, I just dont have that instinct. I am not drawn to the little people and I dont find anything appealling with them. Should I have one, I am sure I will take good care of it but right now I wont willingly go out there and have one. There is just no place and space for it, YET.

nice
07 Feb 2011 09:24

One has to experience marriage for themselves to understand the dynamics of it.

Mathaz, is it not possible to ponder and think about these dynamics before committing forever and without doing a "vat ens sit"?

babye
07 Feb 2011 09:51

thank you guys. its very hard and its gets harder when you have siblings who are self centred and cannot admit that they never fully used the opportunities they were given in life. i would like to write an article of siblings and how they relate etc. i feel like busting because my own flesh and blood told my mother that she will kill me.

MsKim
07 Feb 2011 10:17

i decided to have kids coz i jus wanted to seeing wat they'd look like (silly?) well thats part of my reasons.

life somtimes gets boring same routine all the time n relationships endup boring too (without kids). with kids they keep u busy, adventures almost all the time. pple who look upto u, teaching them this n that. there's jus a lot of reasons why i decided to have kids (got 2) n planning on 2 mo. my lilly ones they're my friends we share a lot, my lilly helpers, protectors ( no don't talk to mummy like that) its jus the sweetest words a parents can ever here. as they grow they'll be a lot of adventures. can u imagine at 40 no kids no partner, for me honestly i don't think i'd survive.. i really want a big family.
for me companionship includes both hubby n kids.. Jus don't want to be alone.

Green.arrow
07 Feb 2011 10:33

haibona babye :(... take care of yourself arround your sibling seen as you have been warned. Mostly,lets take it to God in prayers, He is the one capable of changing hard hearts. My prayers are with you and your family sisi. Take ecare of yourself, do everything you can affort, everything possible to do that and the Lord will do exceedingly above what you are able to do.

Green.arrow
07 Feb 2011 10:42

Man didn't create marriage, hence when you need to establish the purpose of marriage, you must go back to the founder and creater of marriage, which is God. Then you will find the purpose of marriage...word!

and parties to take care of before I get married, should I decide to... what kinda parties nice...social or polotical...hhihiihi...

On the part of children, I just dont have that instinct. I am not drawn to the little people and I dont find anything appealling with them...lol, stop calling them "its"..lol nice.
Mna i wanna have kids, mine or adopted..but ofcourse mine wil have to come after marriage. I was watching karate kid this weekend and i couldnt help loking forward to my son, being as old as Jaden Smith, impressionable, taking part in sport, acting up, not hanging his jersey and throwing clothes and stinky socks all over..Me shouting like typical black mother, going all "Clint Eastwood" on him like eddie murphy's mom when he misbehaves...awwww....*lost in wishfull thinkin*...:)
Funny thing is whenever i envision myself as a mother with my kids...i see no dad....or kid/daddy activities..worries me a little.

my lilly ones they're my friends we share a lot, my lilly helpers, protectors ( no don't talk to mummy like that) its jus the sweetest words a parents can ever here. as they grow they'll be a lot of adventures....awwwww MisKim what are you doing to me....*getting lost worst in thoughts bout my future "lilli" ones*....

zam.ngcobo
07 Feb 2011 10:54

Why do people want to get married
People get married for different reasons , some for money . for love , sense of belonging ect ......

But I want to get married one day because I dont want to die lonely ,I need someone to share life with a patner , friend , a husband and my everything . Most of my friends are married but only 10% of them is fulfilled (Happy) and the other 90% is living a miserable life because of pressure and ukuthanda izinto . I believe that God has my soul mate for me and until I meet him I will not get married .

In 2009 I came so close to getting married and pulled out at the last minute because its not what I wanted but it was pressure from my friends and family . Not that I didnt love the guy I did ,I was just not ready to say I do and we were from totaly different backgrounds . I knew then and I still know now that marriage is a life time commitment and I dont want to make a mistake of doing it just to please my mother . I love her but this is my life , she lived her's and now its time for me to live mine .
Why do people want to have children, I am not referring to oops babies, I am asking people that plan to have babies. Why, what for?
I am 26 and I dont have a child , having a child out of wedlock is not part of my plan , but if it happens it will be a gift from God !

zam.ngcobo
07 Feb 2011 10:58

Babye I am so sorry for your loss ........

nice
07 Feb 2011 10:58

Hayi wena GA, I have no intention of making people choose between heaven and gell, I am talking social parties :-)

MsKim, so do they look anything like what you had imagined?

baby e, I really hope that you will be like Jacob in this one. Write that blog though so we dont deviate here, and maybe it weill help with some form of release

nice
07 Feb 2011 11:00

eish, I think it was Joseph baby e, not Jacob. Joseph the son of Jacob

Green.arrow
07 Feb 2011 11:10

LOL...u missing out on a very powerfull position ge nice..lolest.

Most of them though, married because of society's pressures and they are at the verge of divorcing cos all of a sudden they have just realised that they dont get each other. ...... Most of my friends are married but only 10% of them is fulfilled (Happy) and the other 90% is living a miserable life. If i may ask either nice/zam.ngcobo...What is the age group of these friends you refer to, the ones practically on the verge of a divorce???

In 2009 I came so close to getting married and pulled out at the last minute because its not what I wanted but it was pressure from my friends and family. Hectic zam, you were that close,albeit for wrong reasons as you say..but it must have been hard to say this anit ryt...i think break ups are too painfull, am still recovering and traumatised from my first one,scared to "try again", and if i were that close,or if i had invested so much as to concider marriage i think i'd be on an IV now or in a psych ward....lol,
Makes me wonder how painfull divorce must be then.

MsKim
07 Feb 2011 11:10

@nice.....well i cldn't imagine wat they'd look like thats why i decided, its time i find out. pple say they look like me some say like their dad, i think they look like their dad. its nice to look at yo lil one n see yo hubby's eyes, smile etc. thats if u still crazy in love with the dad.

nice
07 Feb 2011 11:18

Most in the mid to late twenties GA, 27 to 30.

zam.ngcobo
07 Feb 2011 11:29

What is the age group of these friends you refer to, the ones practically on the verge of a divorce???
@ Green Arrow they are between 25 and 36

Hectic zam, you were that close,albeit for wrong reasons as you say..but it must have been hard to say this anit ryt...
It was the most painfull thing ive ever had to do , because we were so deeply inlove with each other and he didnt want to wait he took it the wrong way he thought I didnt love him thats why I didnt want to marry him . We were dating for two years ,I knew him inside and out , we were the best of friends but we would'nt have made it emshwadweni . Love alone is not enough like Mathaz said !

Green.arrow
07 Feb 2011 11:37

27 - 30, 25 - 36, thats hectic guys....too much. Makes this question that you asked (nice) all the more pertinent. Or does the saying "its better to have loved and lost" (married and divorced) hold here...haai no no no, no, God forbids, in Malachi 3:..forgot the verse...

oww zam...but like Leona Lewis sang...im sure "its getting better with time" if not better already.

charmagal
07 Feb 2011 11:41

well after all the comments i ve read i think i fall on the same with the ones that would love to get married for camponionshp

The kidios part i ve never imagened myself with ma own kids
I wldnt mind to adopt though

MsKim
07 Feb 2011 12:14

Under normal circumstances no one wld plan
*havin kids with out the father O
*get married n not hav kids.
so yep it all goes back to campanionshp. so we all basically don't want to be lonely.
The SOCIETY believes a women wld be very lucky to have any man ask for marriage. somthing abt there's less men in this world n most of them r players. as a result most women seem like they're desperate for marriage. watever the case; it jus won't last..

pushi
07 Feb 2011 12:30

Nice article indeed

For me Ms.Kim is on point, evn though life can get hectic with the lil 1 around I simply cn't imagine life without him & his dad.

@ first I wanted a baby 4 companionshp, I was starting to feel rather lost in ths world. I remember telling my man before we got back together that I wanted a baby, he later sent me an sms calling me 'mmabana ba ka', I was over the moon, naive I know, but funny enough thats what I am now and I'm too hapi.

As for getting married, I'm doing it because it feels ryt 4 me. I feel that we have been through a lot together and we pulled thru as a unit, so I believe that though it won't be easy, we will make it work. & also bearing in mind that it might not work but I will make the most of it................

babye
07 Feb 2011 12:31

@ nice i am so swamped with work my chomsa and not really good with articles.

i would love now to get married and since marriage was on our lips before the baby came we would get married. i would love to have my first kid when i am 30 after at least 2 years of marriage. i agree with MsKim that kids bring joy and challenges and different view of life.
people who have kids even in the work place are able to relate to issues of life than those who dont have kids especially managers, those who have kids will understand when you say your kid is not feeling well and that you made failed to turn up than those who dont, they will just tell your private issues should be handled at home etc.

zam.ngcobo
07 Feb 2011 12:52

You guys are making me want to have kids :-) as in now . Go home and tell my man to stop shooting blanks lol...........

Ncoh Miskim and Pushi I envy you guys !!!!

zam.ngcobo
07 Feb 2011 12:54

GA I do miss him sometimes and the things we did together but ive moved on .

maud
07 Feb 2011 13:09

Marriage , kids ? mmm what a article, sometimes you wake up asking yourself , why did i get married?, the next day you thank God for the marriage you have and the kids, are blessing single or married there is no doubt about it . you dont need a reason to get married it has to be pure love because if its not , it might be for the wrong reason.

but realy who wants to die alone ? i know i dont

carino
07 Feb 2011 13:10

Very nice article, Nice.

Unfortunately people get married for all the wrong. In any case ke,people do a lot of things for the wrong reasons these days.

There’s just unnecessary pressure that society inflicts on us. The sad thing is that even within the Christian community where we would hope people would do things right, seeing that all these unions can be better explained using the “God says so” approach, in fact the people in the Christian community are the ones that get married because they are pressured. Everyone thinks it’s the right thing to do and once you stay single for long, you start getting the funny looks, being treated like you are a sinner, coz I suppose the next thing the married sisters think is ucansi, so they thinking if you don’t have a husband its definite that you are doing it before marriage. They even start running out of things to say to you coz you are the single one. So I think that is why a lot of them end up getting married just because…... and next thing they are stuck in something that they still can’t get out of coz again, they will be judged. #iknowthatsoundspersonal.No!Iamnotreceivinganyevillooks

Anyway, all Im trying to say is that people get married coz they want to be accepted, coz apparently it’s the right thing to do or coz society says they should.

The person who gets married for the right reasons is that person who is sure of who they are and what they want, minus societal pressures. If you can explain marriage and love your own way without using any of the clichés, then you should get married.

I think nna when I do decide to get married, it would be because I have someone who feels almost like a part of me, close to me as my mother, I trust him almost as much as I trust my dad, I can go on and on with him almost as much as I can do with my siblings, I’m a little bit more patient with him more than I am with my friends… so I’m not sure what I should call him. So I want to tie myself to him for the rest of my life.. and to do that, I make him my husband.

I don’t really have an opinion when it comes to having children. I think mna I’d prefer to have mine the way myname had hers, coz then I would be able to give that simple response when asked why I had them…and it would make me feel better too when I look at them, I’d just think…they just happened so whatever happens I shouldn’t blame myself. #cantbelieveijussaidthis.

Yha…

carino
07 Feb 2011 13:11

Okay, I dont know why my long response is bold.

One and Only
07 Feb 2011 13:20

but realy who wants to die alone ?
So the assumption is that if you are not married, you will die a sad lonely life? That is debatable.

Marriage just like other things in life are God-given, if it was never meant for you to get married and have children then you won't but if you go against His will then except a divorce.

There are people who are single and wished to be married and those who are married who wished to be single again.

carino
07 Feb 2011 13:23

myname
07 Feb 2011 13:24

lol Carino.....yazi usile maar.

Ag dear i did not enjoy my pregnancy maybe its another reason why i dont wanna get married coz izingane are part of the contract (as realist says).

My wish nangoku is if inkosi iyavuma and i do get married i wish i can get someone who doesn't want babies....honestly. I dont wanna go through that trauma. I think breaking my virginity was OK but there is nothing more painful than labour pains. Im sorry i hate to be preggies.

Trublu
07 Feb 2011 13:40

Phew, what an article. And the comments, most of them are right (I bellieve).

Marriage - Mna I decided to get married because I met the man I love. Couldnt stay without seeing him. So most of the times, we were together, more like Vat en sit, just that Most of my stuff was still at my place. We realised that we wanted the same things in life and later decided to get married.

So, Im with you guys that most of the time its the need for companionship.

KIDS - well My parents left me and my brothers to continue with our family name, and I would like to do the same.

I realised that I made a good decision for maself coz seeing our child (product) grow is one of the most fulfilling things that ever happened to me.

Lex
07 Feb 2011 14:12

Marriage - I would like to have the same type of marriage that my parents have. Those people are still in love and its been yeeeears.Yes,there are arguments,but they always work them out and call each other with their pet-names 5min after the argument.I would sooo love to have that,and to chill on the verandah in the late afternoon drinking tea.

Kids - I would like to have kids in a marriage,but if it happens that I get them out of wedlock,then hey,the babies are there. I do not see myself with children out of wedlock.And I would like to get preggies once with twins,so that I wont have to be preggers more than once.

Whenever I'm thinking of getting married,its when I am bored with no-one to talk to and wishing I could have a hubby to talk to (taba ela ya companionship). I do not see myself with kids and no baby-daddy around.

Agree
07 Feb 2011 14:27

IT REMINDS ME OF THE MOVIE"WHY DID I GET MARRIED"

I am 29 and been married for 3years with 3 children, for me it was a tester. When you are young you wish to find work and earn your living......but once you find work you do not enjoy work with all the responsibilities it comes with but you cannot get out of it because you dont want to be unemployed.

I wanted to know what it feels like to be married but now I have tested it, it is not what I expected but hey who wants to be part of the divorce stats or be in lefetwa bus( unmarried people bus).

Do not get me wrong I love my husband and adore him but being with the same person for 365 days and nights it is just not on.When u are not married you decide when you'd like to see your BF but with marriage he is there 24/7 whether u like it or not.

Signed: MAD BLACK WOMEN

Prima D
07 Feb 2011 14:55

The person who gets married for the right reasons is that person who is sure of who they are and what they want, minus societal pressures. If you can explain marriage and love your own way without using any of the clichés, then you should get married. Carino

This is the best answer or response i have read since Nice put up the blog. Everyone needs to have their own life story, no one else can live your life. So if you dont know why your life has turned out a certain way, then you only have yourself to blame. I think that it is about time that people start taking responsibility for their actions.

Each person has their own experience. Just because many people are getting divorced, doesnt mean you will get divorced if you get married. Just because your parents were happily married during your childhood, doesnt mean that you will be happily married. Just because some people love being parents, doesnt mean that you will love being a parent. Just because some people have a bad experience during pregancy doesnt mean that you wont have the best pregnancy ever!!!

So it is important for each person to be guided by what God purposes for them and them only. That is why no two people on this earth are exactly alike. We are all individuals. I encourage everyone to be the authors of their own life story. Think through your decisions in life before you act on them because at the end of the day, you will be the one who is held accountable.

Porsch
07 Feb 2011 15:11

Mmmmh, nna i'd like to get married because i've seen my parents do it with such ease you'd swear those two never argue...

I've spent my youth days alone and i definitely dont wanna die alone cause as it is its difficult coming home to an empty house, i think the worst is if you have something interesting/sad to share and you have no one....

I tell my friends each time they bug me to date, that its not yet my turn and i will not date any tom, jabulani and pule for the sake of doing it but when i'm older any steven, jabu and thabo can jola me cause dying alone and lonely is not an option.

As for kids, i think thats where a woman gets to really love the idea of a human being growing inside me and being given that responsibility by God its a miracle on its own.

Green.arrow
07 Feb 2011 16:05

Bearing in mind what OnO said Marriage just like other things in life are God-given, if it was never meant for you to get married and have children then you won't but if you go against His will then....

If you can explain marriage and love your own way without using any of the clichés, then you should get married ....true carino. I love how you break this down Prima D.

Enlightening and sobering accounts from those who are married and have kids. Thoroughly appreciated.

zam.ngcobo
07 Feb 2011 16:11

Thank you Prima D you said it so well !!!!

nice
07 Feb 2011 17:04

Wow, I am gone for half the day and such great comments. Thank you to you all ladies and gentleman ( I can assume that yena yedwa is the only man)

I really got a better understanding and has some funny moments in between. I promise to stop calling the babies "it". I just dont know what's the correct English way when I dont know their gender. Carino help here :-)

I need to then start writing out my own story on why do I want to get married, and start a family. over and above this hope this is what I was destined to do, I do want to end up doing the thing that my bible tells me clearly that God hates. I also wouldnt want to end up with a partner that's not meant for me.

What I gather though is that it has to come from within, and each one must have her/his own reasons that are understandable to them. Not because "God said so" or "dad/mom wanted or expected me to" as put above there. Then it will be too easy to say it just happened and take no responsibility for it