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Is Love Alone Enough?

Written by Kerrie from the blog Life is Good on 16 Aug 2012
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I spent this past Sunday with a good and close friend of mine. We were just lazying around making conversation here and there and then i asked ukuthi when is he planning to get married seeing he is old enough now, that he needs somebody to look after him! He told me he had met a potential wife but it didn't work because the lady had to go to school to study towards her Master's Degree and that intimidated him a lot, uthi yenakamfuni umfazi ufundekakhulu....when i inquired about how much they loved each other he said yes they did love each other but LOVE ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH, he needs to feel like a man, he doesn't want a woman who makes more than he does!

Mna i skim ukuthi if there is respect, love and trust in a relationship, everything else is a luxury that you can do without! When it comes to money issues all that was good is painted bad, we've seen how many lives have been destroyed in the name of money, so don't let it get in the way of something beautiful! ***JUST MY OPINION, WHAT'S YOURS?*****

47 Comments

Chix
17 Aug 2012 14:29

Haaaa this guy was just intimidated that's all!!! there are many marriages that are surviving where the woman brings in more money than the hubby!!! I think people should stop directing their marriages... they need to go back to the basics and let God be the Captain of their ship (marriage). A woman is to respect and be submissive to her husband and a husband is to love his wife!!! That is what God wants from us in marriage... all these other pink flowers we decorate our marriages with are the ones that destroy the marriages but people are so into money that they miss out on a GREAT thing given to us by our CREATOR!!!

maud
17 Aug 2012 14:40

@ Kerrie- there is a book that i am reading,i wish i could paste it here.

Is about the mistakes we woman (me not included) do when we have money muscle.
When i read this book i realise all the mistakes that i use to do, or maybe still do.
simple things that we do because off money.
eg- If you are the one who has the money for groceries ,give your husband the money let him be the one who pays, he will feel hournored.
Its your money but let him be the desition maker.
you will leave peacefully .

Never plane vacations without his imput

I will find a way to paste this, every woman needs to read this,in that way no man will be intimidated by your career or wallet.

mangqezu
17 Aug 2012 15:29

This is a touchy subject for me personally but I do concur with your friend LOVE ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH

I'm in a predicament with my baby daddy. When I met him I'd just got out of a bad r/ship. I honestly wasn't looking for something permanent bengifuna ukujola nje just to spite my ex. As it turns out he had all the qualities I wanted in a man EXCEPT for money but then I didn't care cos it was just about dusting cobwebs and nothing more lol.

Years went by nami I got used to having him around I guess plus yena ugud bandla ukuduster lmao. Then I had a suprise pregnancy dont want to call it an accident cos I dont see my daughter that way . I've never been depressed in my life cos now the situation had changed. My money issues just came to the forefront. The honest truth is I make way more than him and the gap just keeps getting wider.

I have neva hidden the fact to him even (I'm bad I know) that u know what indoda engenamali I will neva take home to my family. I have no intentions of marrying him neva have. I feel terrible when I think of it cos the guy loves me but I just don't see any future for us becos of the money issue. He has asked if I cud help him start a business but I don't believe in that either I hassled to get to where I am I don't believe in handouts to people either. Call me selfish but at least I know I'm being honest with my self. But I think my situation goes beyond money. Mhlambe nje I dont love the guy at all cos even if he were to win iLotto I dont think I'd suddenly find the need to submit to him I have just neva seen him that way.

It hurts to see him cry cos he tells me it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you. Believe me I have tried breaking up with him he just doesn't want to let go.

I dunno what to do I really dont

Kerrie
17 Aug 2012 15:32

maud, what's the title of the book? it sounds interesting!

kana some men just shy away before they can even attempt it, give the lady a chance and talk about it! tell her how you feel about her bring in more money and she should also tell how she feels and come to a mutual agreement about your household budget and everything else that involves money...

Kerrie
17 Aug 2012 15:40

Mangqezu, all i can say is WOW! Atleast you are being honest with him but don't you think you should set him free, seeing you don't forsee a future for the both of you? He might meet somebody who is has the same living standards as him, no offence!

mangqezu
17 Aug 2012 15:49

Kerrie I have told him bluntly ukuthi uright but not for mina he just cries but comes back I give up!!!

Kerrie
17 Aug 2012 15:58

yoh! naye akasezwa yini? he is in denial or something? he should accept ukuthi it's not gonna work and move on, phela nawe ufuna ukubhona umuntu okufanele!

in all the r/ships i've been involved in, i've never put money first, it's always been love! my friends and family keep on telling me that i'm headed for disappointment since i seem to be always involved with men who earn less than i do, they might not want to commit because of that and the fact that i like taking care of myself, i should learn to let a man take care of me once, be dependent.....i'm trying but it's hard, i don't like asking for something from other people. especially money, when i know i can make it myself....

Lovers260
17 Aug 2012 16:37

maud title of the book kaloku. Mangqezu yhoo thats hectic, can you leave him not for you just for him please. I feel sorry for the next lady his going to date

Kandyfloss
17 Aug 2012 17:34

May someone clarify what is meant by wife being submissive to her husband..

Kerrie
20 Aug 2012 07:56

I also need an explanation on that one as well, Kandyfloss! Does it mean the wife has to be a YES woman?
I agree there has to be respect in a r/ship and/or marriage, but it has to be mutual, not one sided! don't expect a woman to be always the giver, that's when she starts to be a rebel cos she's gonna feel used, she'll feel inferior! I have told my fiance ukuthi mna i'm stubborn, only when provoked otherwise i'm a very calm and collected person and we've discussed what's expected form both parties and we've put that into practice, so far so good!
AS WOMEN, WE MUSTN'T LET OUR MEN BULLY US IN THE NAME OF RESPECT, THEY MUST LOVE US AND LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT, IF IT DOES, THEN CHANGE THE NAME!

Chix
20 Aug 2012 08:26

@Kandyfloss and Kerrie... being submissive does not mean you are a YES woman... NO NO NO!!! No-one wants to be that otherwise you won't be happy!!! Being submissive means you have to show respect to your man... you have to treat him like the head of the HOUSE even if he brings in less money than yourself... as a (married) woman you can not just go to Geen and Richards and get yourself a lounge suite of R35 000 without prior discussion with your hubby and a MUTUAL agreement... most women have a tendency of discussing something with their hubbys and when hubby says No let us not do it now because of ABC... then the woman goes out of her way to show hubby that I will but those couches because I CAN AFFORD them and I won't ask you to help me buy them... That is not being submissive...

Anyway when a MAN loves you like the bible says he should then RESPECT from his side will be AUTOMATIC!!! For example if he loves you DEARLY then he will NEVER find reason to cheat on you... so that means he respects you... if he dearly loves you then he will NEVER find a reason to lift his hand on you... then automatically he respects you... when he loves you he will NEVER call you names then automatically he RESPECTS you!!!

If you guys still do not understand what I have explained here then it means you both need to come to Cape Town to meet with me then I can break it down further over LUNCH!!! *winx*

Trublu
20 Aug 2012 08:48

"Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment.[1] Love is also a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection —"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".[2] Love may describe actions towards others or oneself based on compassion or affection.[3]" (Stolen from WIKIPEDIA)

From this explanation above, for me love ONLY is NOT enough. Theres faithfullness, transparency, trust etc. Its a package, then comes the material things (Money / Economic Freedom as they say). As bad as it may sound, it would be hard for me, personally, to go out with a person who is struggling, financially. Most of us, (humans in general) need comfortability in life, and that comes at a price.

A good example, when I first met my man, he was earning waaaay less than I did, then he decided to start his own business. Things got from bad to worse. I had to do everything at home. What made me stay was the LOVE PACKAGE as I mentioned above, and seeing the hardwork in him. that gave me hope that things will improve, financially. They did.

So as much as I hate saying it, I think I understand uMangqezu. Unless I see some effort, I dont think I would stick around. *goes into hiding*

Kerrie
20 Aug 2012 09:04

hahaha, LUNCH, i'm on my way darling Chix!

i get what you are saying but submissive is a wrong word! like i asked, does it mean the woman has to be a YES woman, cos according to my understanding that's what submissive mean! You have to submit to what your hubby says no matter how you feel!?
I think we should find a proper word for that, not submissive! Relationships with respect lasts longer as there is always that unity, you do things together and the other half will instantly know that they are wrong when they do something without the other half's consent!
In the meantime, brainstorm on that proper word....

Vesa
20 Aug 2012 09:38

@Kerrie.....if you are not satisfied with the answer Chix gave you? Phela she said a mouthful

Kandyfloss
20 Aug 2012 10:00

Am with u kerrie, submissive is a wrong word. CHIX's explanation doesnt say anything about it. All i see is respect. Thanx Chix.. I rebel once in a while and do MY Own Thing agaisnt my partner's will. Simply because he's a procastinator. He procastinates for No reason.

Kandyfloss
20 Aug 2012 10:22

Dictionary meaning of submissive is Always willing to obey someone and never disagreeing even if they are unkind. I know its from the bible but... *scratch my head*

maddie
20 Aug 2012 10:37

manqezu I feel u gal

I used to go 4 love as well in a r/ship cos i can take care of myself until like in ur case manqezu a surprise pregnancy ensued boy was I surprised, i can write a book i tell u.

Am busy trying to get a lawyer to help me with child support issues, nigga hasn't even bothered to see the child (not that I don't want him 2), he's not taking care of the child financially cos he says he does earn as much as I do.

Nigga is busy, too busy if u ask me running around helping other people & with this running around u'd think he'll make dough but nada

imali ibalulekile bathong don't be fooled

Mathaz
20 Aug 2012 10:57

@maddie....hope everything works out in the end.

Love is not NEVER enough, if it was Abraham would never have agreed to sleep with Hagar. The very same Abraham would never have told his wife to lie to the King and say that she is his sister. If it was enough, Jacob would never have agreed to marry Leah before Rachel. Love is never enough shem.

Myth: If he loves you then he won't cheat on you. We have this thing that if he loves me then he won't hurt me, ideally yes but in reality no.

It is easy to be submissive to a man who fears the Lord. Being submissive to me is knowing your place as a woman, but all these things you learn in your marriage, there is no check list for being submissive but the longer you are with your partner the more you learn what makes him feel honoured.

Mathaz
20 Aug 2012 10:57

@maddie....hope everything works out in the end.

Love is NEVER enough, if it were Abraham would never have agreed to sleep with Hagar. The very same Abraham would never have told his wife to lie to the King and say that she is his sister. If it was enough, Jacob would never have agreed to marry Leah before Rachel. Love is never enough shem.

Myth: If he loves you then he won't cheat on you. We have this thing that if he loves me then he won't hurt me, ideally yes but in reality no.

It is easy to be submissive to a man who fears the Lord. Being submissive to me is knowing your place as a woman, but all these things you learn in your marriage, there is no check list for being submissive but the longer you are with your partner the more you learn what makes him feel honoured.

Kandyfloss
20 Aug 2012 11:13

@ mathaz no checklist for being submissive.. Kwaa kwaa i like

Kerrie
20 Aug 2012 11:22

Chix is talking about RESPECT! My question is, does being SUBMISSIVE mean you respect your husband?

Dictionary meaning of submissive is Always willing to obey someone and never disagreeing even if they are unkind. I know its from the bible but... *scratch my head* ....i'm scratching mine too gal, very hard!

Being submissive to me is knowing your place as a woman.......and where is a woman's place, in the kitchen, not anymore!? That's why we now have women in power, take Dr. Nkosazana Zuma for example and the other two women Presidents, in Africa! If we stick to being forever submissive as women, we'll always be back-benchers! We should stand for ourselves and still maintain RESPECT for our partners!

myname
20 Aug 2012 11:41

Myth: If he loves you then he won't cheat on you. We have this thing that if he loves me then he won't hurt me, ideally yes but in reality no.

i thought i should highlight this line. Thanks Mathaz. This is so true yazi!

If we stick to being forever submissive as women, we'll always be back-benchers! We should stand for ourselves and still maintain RESPECT for our partners! I'm with u Kerrie 200%.

I'm not gonna spoil this coz u are all on point and thank you so much guys for enlightening people like me so when that clock finally stops ( grrrrrr clearing my throat) we should know what to expect and what one should do once we come across these trials.

Lastly i appreciate these biblical studies coz mna shame i only read my bible when i'm in church on Sunday or when i feel my Lord has deserted me. And mna shame i don't pray EVERYDAY. I know its wrong but sometimes i say a short prayer while i'm lying on my stomach sleeping. Askis bathong but thats me. I'm really not proud of this coz i know its not acceptable.

Mathaz
20 Aug 2012 11:45

Yes Kerrie...being submissive means you respect your partner but remember that it is two way. He also has to pay his role.

You see now that dictionary explanation is not the way God has intended it to be. God is not a fool that he would say that we must be submissive and take all the abuse just so to prove that we are honouring him. He has given us the wisdom to discrern what is right and wrong.

Knowing your place is not being in the kitchen, things have changed. It would mean how you raise issues, the choice of words you use when you address him, how you talk to him in front of his peers/family, do you give him his space? Is he the head of house? Men like to think that their being manly by making the decisions but as a wife you should actually let him think that he is in control of everything without stating the obvious.

Kerrie if you are married or plan to be, don't sweat, as i say you will learn how to be submissive along the way without being abused.

Kerrie
20 Aug 2012 12:55

Mathaz, i still don't agree with the word SUBMISSIVE, find a better word!

God can't be compared to man, physically yes but that's it, He always has good intentions for us! Men (both hes and shes) are selfish and self-centred most of the times, they know how to belittle others! Mna i'm not going to be submissive to my husband just to give him a big head, so he can feel he is a man,NO! He has to show his is the head of the house by what he does and by how he behaves, not one who lazes around, with a bucket list and lots of demands! i'm gonna respect him and expect him to respect me as well, as his wife and as a woman but when he is wrong i won't be afraid to point it out, i'm not going to sit and watch him get out of the railings and say he's the husband , he knows what he is doing, nnyaa bathong! we live in the 21st century where equality matters, respect each other still, let the man be the head of the house but don't ask him HOW HIGH when he says JUMP, reason with him and/or each other to have a peaceful household!

VusiK
20 Aug 2012 13:04

I need someone more reliable's number for a TVSA interface
...
my niece called Ayasha to ask her to let my friends know that I'm in hospital with a mild-serious heart attack ... Ayasha responds that she has a sore throat ..

I've never seen my very mild mannered niece explode like Aya made her ... Wow !
the longest-drawn Nxaaaaa ! I ever heard in my life, lol

I thought that was worth sharing, lol

I'm out of commission for a while guys ... I think it is curtains for a few months for me.

Kerrie
20 Aug 2012 13:29

Hi VusiK, i'm glad you are better, Aya told me you were not well! She's been under the weather for a while as well, i talk to her through SMS almost everyday, the last time we talked she said she was much better and that you were also out of it! Take care of yourself neh, lotsa rest, forget the boardroom for a while, if you can manage, lol...

Green.arrow
20 Aug 2012 13:34

So sad to hear that maddie, re:babydaddy. I'm sure u will give your baby the best holisticaly, so that the impact of what her father is doing will be minimal. I don't know how my mom raised 3 kids whose father deserted them such that we did not have daddy issues, its possible so all the best in that regard, else hopefully the dad will cme arround and be there. @Mathaz, I agree 100% that "It is easy to be submissive to a man who fears the Lord"....ps: not a church goer, a man who fears the Lord, very few of those.

Green.arrow
20 Aug 2012 13:35

Get well soon Vuss, like Kerrie says, keep away from that boardroom indeed, more than you have been.

Kandyfloss
20 Aug 2012 14:01

Get well soon vusiK... Itjo bathon now this Head of House thing will also confuse me.. I grew up in a single parent family.. Help! If you don't mind leave God out of your explanation

Trublu
20 Aug 2012 14:07

Get well soon Vuss and do take it easy tuu.

"It would mean how you raise issues, the choice of words you use when you address him, how you talk to him in front of his peers/family, do you give him his space? Is he the head of house? Men like to think that their being manly by making the decisions but as a wife you should actually let him think that he is in control of everything without stating the obvious. "

Cudnt have put it better Mathaz.

Kandyfloss
20 Aug 2012 14:13

This is not the first time i'v seen this : MAKE HIM THINK bla bla.. So it got me wonderin if this role of head of family is jus like a line of latitude(imaginary).

Kandyfloss
20 Aug 2012 14:16

This is not the first time i'v seen this : MAKE HIM THINK bla bla.. So it got me wonderin if this role of head of family is jus like a line of latitude(imaginary).

Kerrie
20 Aug 2012 14:29

That's what i mean Kandyfloss,by saying i'm not going to be submissive to my husband just to give him a big head, making him think he's head of the house is not entirely honest, you'd be lying to him! It's either he is head of the house or not, don't pretend to him, he ain't a kid anymore whom you bribe to stop tantrums, NO...

Green.arrow
20 Aug 2012 14:42

Lol Kandyfloss n Kerrie. Lol @ he aint a kid. I don't have anymore words than Mathaz and Mrs Chix said to elaborate. I guess its a principle like many one either has a conviction about or not. And mind you, not every man comprehends submission and the responsibility that comes with it from their sides, so that in every Christ based relationtion (from which the submission thing comes from) some couples will hit it and some will miss it, and to different extends. Hehe relationships/marrigae is hard work, and if its a Christ bases marriage, submission, all it entails from both sides is one of the many things you will have to intentionally work hard on. And lol 40 years later when as a couple you have mastered it, you will reap the rewards.

Green.arrow
20 Aug 2012 14:47

I say Christ based because that's my background, but I believe its also a cultural thing. Submission when done right (those few couples), when properly reciprocated by that man, is not supposed to be forced, nor painfull, ...its becomes one of those warm fuzzy loving things that happen:D

Kandyfloss
20 Aug 2012 14:58

Thanx G.Arrow... Lets jus say it varies from person to person. Some women i'v come across don't mind bein submissive (dictionary meaning) i quoted earlier.

VusiK
20 Aug 2012 14:59

My little bit is as follows;

Anyone is welcome to risk giving or receiving Love in any relationship.

I will not do so ...

I expect nothing from anyone beyond companionship
I will give only reciprocal to what I am certain is the other person's true give-spaceI will never over-extend myself anymore (It creates expectations reciprocally)

Love is a chemical reaction and way over-rated.
There is nothing physical about it ...
Most people's problem with love is they expect it to manifest itself physically (be it through sex, intimacy etc. ....
That is mere expression, not manifestation)

Thanks for the well wishes ... Kiss Kiss .... Bye !!!

Green.arrow
20 Aug 2012 15:05

Yep Kandy, it does vary from person to person, from dictionary meaning, to bazalwane meaning, to cultural meaning, add to all that the spices of conviction and people's convictions are informed by different things (healthy and toxic). Where I sit, I've seen the submission thing done in a way that melted my heart, and I'm a very critical person naturaly, raised by a single mom I easily spot abuse and doormats. I'm for it.

Kerrie
20 Aug 2012 15:15

relationships/marriage is a union in which both partners have to work really hard on without expecting the other one to give more than the other, it should be a give and take on an equal scale by and for both parties! If only we can refrain from using the word SUBMISSIVE, then we'll have a mutual understanding and come to an agreement! I'm sure in the Bible the word submissive was used in a good way but humans exaggerated its meaning and it lost purpose!

Kerrie
20 Aug 2012 15:33

Green.arrow, i don't think what you saw, that melted your heart can be described as SUBMISSIVE, it's something different! According to my understanding and the dictionary explanation posted earlier, submissive is agreeing to everything, even when you being scolded, i mean if my husband calls me names, i should just be there kneeling and nodding my head yes sir! Mna kana i'm saying let's find a word to call the description you just posted Green.arrow, the one that melted your heart, it sure was something beautiful!

Mathaz
20 Aug 2012 15:36

And lol 40 years later when as a couple you have mastered it, you will reap the rewards. Too true @GA.

@Kerrie...you kill me by the way you don't like the word *submissive*. Ohkay, call it whatever. You remind of when i first got married, i was so like you but then matured, so you will grow and you will think of this article and have a few laughs LOL.

Green.arrow
20 Aug 2012 15:48

Well Kerrie, that dictionary submisive is not what I know and understand. It is quite cringe worthy I admit. Who knows what the actual greek/hebrew word for 'submision' as we have it in the good news bible is, infact I must find out. The biblical principle thou, Ephesians 5, the teaching in the chapter, was not the 'submisive' definition in the oxford dictionary. I love how one version says 'be subject to one another' then goes to describe how a wife must be subject to her hubby and hubby must be subject to the wife. Its a two way street, just that realisticaly, men and women are wired differently, 'our love languages are different'. Perhaps ge Kerrie, the word 'submissive' is the offensive one, but bare in mind its only in one version of the many bible versions. Sadly it can't be eliminated, its for people to read the bible and understand the teaching, not just the word, otherwise some will be misled by this dictionary definition.

Kerrie
20 Aug 2012 16:17

i'm gonna read my Bible tonight to try and understand this SUBMISSIVE! Personally, i feel it's wrongly used!

Green.arrow
20 Aug 2012 16:23

The 'submission' principle/teaching' As with many, is definately misunderstood by some, wrongly applied by some. The principle, I wouldn't worry bout the word if I were you because different versions use different words.

Kerrie
20 Aug 2012 16:31

Maybe reading and understanding from the Bible will give me a different perspective!

Chix
21 Aug 2012 14:54

@Kerrie... I think you are just running away from the word SUBMISSIVE because you are looking at it from the OXFORD DICTIONARY way instead of looking at it there way it was intended!!! You keep saying how can one be SUBMMISSIVE if their hubby calls them names.. Why is your hubby going to call you names in the first place if he loves you the way God said a man should love his wife... Kaloku nawe you are not going to be SUBMISSIVE the Bible way if he doesn't LOVE you the Bible way!!!

All I am saying is if your hubby doesn't give you reason for a commotion... then wena why are you not going to SUBMIT to him!!! But like everyone has reiterated I think you need to first get married and get the feel of things.. You will see... Being "SUBMISSIVE" comes naturally!!! be it SUBMISSIVE the Dictionary way or the Bible way but ke it comes and yes you GRACIOUSLY do it!!!

Kerrie
23 Aug 2012 10:38

Help me understand something, please; when a woman depends on a man to take care of her, that is, being a stay at home mum and wife means your husband has to buy you everything, from toiletry thru airtime to clothes right! The why is such a woman labeled a gold-digger? I have seen such a situation. When a woman is career orientated, the husband feels intimidated cos he feels that the wife does not need his financial support, it causes friction in the relationship!
Is there another angle this issue could be tackled from other than the abovementioned ones? I'm trying to do something and need a different perspective, mine seems to be not working, i'm coming to a cul de sac after cul de sac.......

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