"My name is Tashi Tagg and I am reporting to you live (half alive actually - it's freezing cold here) from a small, but comfy chair in Claremont, Cape Town. I am a Mad-For-It, Bigged-up presenter.
I'm smiling my widest smile. I'm funky. I am terribly cool and groovy. Too cool and groovy for my own good actually, and I'm here to present the news on Big Brother Three.
"Now, if you're not watching the show - fear not. Follow it through my eyes. I'll give you all the hot goss, updates on what's what, as well as lots of opinions of my own."
Hey, how did that sound? Quite professional, don't you think? Read it again and imagine loads of screaming people, lights, drums, CNN voice and stuff and you have the opening episode of Big Brother Africa, which kicked off on Sunday night at 17h00. By 19h00 the asylum doors were firmly shut behind the 12 new faces we're gonna be seeing a lot of over the next 106.
For the third time in a row Mark Pilgrim is presenting the show. Am I going mad, or did he used to wear glasses? Well, if he did - he doesn't anymore. There was just something that looked so different about him and the only thing I can think of is that he used to wear specs, perhaps?
You know what really blew my hair back? I thought that with all the housemates being from all over Africa they might be different from the usual lot on entering the house. I thought they'd perhaps do different things and respond differently when confronted with the strange group. But they didn't!
I tell ya - a half an hour into their stay they were guzzling down the wine and all talking at the same time. One or two were already standing with their arms round one another, or holding hands. And, of course, they spoke about what winners they all were for making the final 12. I quote one housemate (not sure who it was): "We are all winners already," she said, and all the others nodded madly.
One or two called each other 'darling', which is naturally worrying. I mean, they'd known each other for two seconds. How can you call someone darling if you haven't a clue if they're a darling or not?
Those who can sing managed to get their voices heard and themselves in the limelight. In fact Bruna (short and sexee) from Angola sang Alycia Keys. She got a sing-song going and, truth be told, it actually sounded quite nice. For once. A housemate who actually sings as well as think they do. Anyway, next thing, one of the guys said: "Boring, boring," trying to shut them up. I'm not sure who it was but it was definitely an attempt to undermine her getting all the spotlight. Interesting, not so?
A new feature to the house in what's called The Sin Bin. A nasty, empty, brown and dull room into which bad housemates are put. If they break the rules and stuff they'll be sent to The Sin Bin and they have to choose someone to go in with them. A nice idea methinks. A cesspit of hot gossip hopefully. Big Brother was never gonna get daring enough to actually boot out housemates if they did something wrong. I think it's too much effort. This is the alternative, I presume.
I see they only have one Big Brother voice this time around. I wonder how that will work? I mean, how realistic is it to expect one person to stay awake 24/7 for 106 days? I wonder if housemates will only be allowed set diary room times? Remember - usually they can go in and out whenever they choose. I heard a rumour that his voice has been recorded. How will that work? Is this for special announcements and stuff? What happens if a housemate wants to chat but he's not around?
As for the housemates and what I've seen so far... Well, four hours into the show and I had my winner already. It's actually the first person who went in. Gaetano from Uganda. Nickname: Guy. There's something very rooted about him. He hasn't needed to blast everyone with a mad-for-it voice, yet he's been chatting a lot. He doesn't seem to need constant attention. He also seems genuinely interested in others. I shall be keeping my peepers on him.
The first Pig of Note so far? Um … it has to be Mwisho of Tanzania. The short-ish guy with the long-ish braids. There is just something about him that irritates me. He has been swearing quite a lot. Look, I don't have anything against a good swear, but it really seems like he's doing it for effect, which may suggest image issues and a desperate need to be cool.
I must say all of them are quite an attractive lot. Thing is - I am very disappointed (but not surprised) that once more Big Brother does not see the value of having older folks in the house. Imagine how fascinating it would be if there were 30-, 40- and 50-year olds in. Problem is: no-one wants to see a 50-year old nude and it seems they still believe everyone only watches for the skin.
So, yeah … I have my favourite already. Guy. And I definitely want Mwisho to go first. Of course these are very rash decisions made on day one, when I barely know anyone else's names. It's so weirdy isn't it? When you first watch - they all start out as one big clump, don't they?
What are your first impressions on our new 24/7 neighbours?
PS:
21h54: Oh crikey - Stefan (Namibia - James Spader lookalike) has just hauled his guitar out and is strumming away in a frenzy.
21h57: But it does prove how often singing makes people feel comfy, because now everyone is singing along in a frenzy as well.
23h55: Abergail (South Africa) is definitely looking like she could be a problem.