Teams left their stay over point in the town of Couscous, Peru, and were told to head to Wellequipeda, which is fortunately also in Peru. They had to take a train through the Andes, which ruled out a plane crash and a recreation of the movie Alive. Besides, it wouldn't have lasted long without Chuck and Ryan there.
The Godfather
Rob Mariano has brought a new quality to the Amazing Race, and that quality is evil. The man is a pure evil genius, of the kind we haven't seen since the heady days of Cliff Richard. Not only has he made alliances with people who are clearly desperate to not screw up, but he has taken their money as well. Is there anything that the Godfather cannot do? Aside from using his powers for good, that is?
Despite Rob's obvious superiority, Patrick still showed us all how to stand up to him. He told Rob exactly where he stood with him at the train station.
Patrick: (off camera) Rob is a stupid head. (On camera) Hey Rob I saved you a seat. I kept it warm for you.
Rob: Thanks, guy. Do I book the tickets here?
Patrick: Oh, giggle. Yes. Can I carry your bag?
Rob: You're really staahtin' ta freak me owt, ya know?
By the way, that was my feeble attempt at capturing Rob's accent.
I'm not sure what's more annoying, though: Patrick, or all the other teams' reactions to Rob.
Lynn: What, he outsmarted us? How dare he!
Alex: He did something intelligent to get into the lead? What does he think this is, a race?
Debbie: He lied to us? Is there no depth he will stoop to?
Bianca: Wait, what about that thing on the beach where you told Ron and Kel-
Debbie: That was totally a whole different thing!
And now, seeing as the challenges are bent towards construction work (only Rob could turn something to do with books into something to do with building), none of them stand a chance against his might (although he's quite clearly not a library person).
Politically Incorrect
The very first roadblock of the season was a wonderful little piece of social commentary. The Americans (a metaphor for Americans) had to walk around Peru doing a menial task (a metaphor for getting bombed on). The tasking was simple: they had to Eastern European five shoes as quickly a possible (the Polish are people too; no need to always equate them with shoe-shiners. I prefer to refer to their more PC name.)
Notice: The above joke has been given a 30 minute penalty for being lame. Further transgressions will see the joke being executed. Ron's military training helped him with this, because obviously in the military you spend a lot of time polishing the shoes of those who have captured you.
More Observation of the Pretty People
I'm so glad that this leg of the race ended the way it did. The pretty people were getting on my nerves with their endless flirting and their ridiculously well co-ordinated headbands. Brian was starting to look an awful lot like Derek Zoolander in his big funky sunglasses, headband, and ridiculously good looking all-natural spikey hair. I half expected him go Blue Steel on us. ("What is this? A pit stop for ants?") Gregg doesn't look like anyone in particular, which is why I've been referring to him as Not-Brian. As soon as he develops a personality I'll give him a real name.
The girls blended in and out of one another. I was briefly aware of differences in their features, but found that despite all of my efforts, I didn't give a crap. They chose to shop rather than move a few books. You didn't have to read them all, girls. The force betrayed them, and they went home.
And probably shopped.
Honestly, though, I was hoping that the guys went home, because they insisted on telling everyone that their strategy was to make friends and have a good time. Dude, you can do that at home, not on my TV. Bleh and vomit. Imagine if they changed the prize from one million dollars to one million buddies, do you think they'd still race? Well, probably.
Chile, The Long Way
By the way, if anyone's confused as to why the planes had to go via Buenos Aires to get to Chile from Peru, it's because the earth is curved. They really flew in a straight line.
Hah, I'll bet at least one of you went to look that up. What's up with South American pilots? Did they have to stop to ask for directions? How hard is it to find a country? Me, a compass, and Google Earth could have done it better.
How (and How Not) To Be Gay
We have two sides of the gay coin here: the master (Lynn) and the apprentice (Patrick). Obi-Lynn Gaynobi really has to take Patrickan Skymincer under his wing and teach him a few things about being gay. For instance, subtlety: lose it. Be as much of a stereotype as possible. Also, stop hanging around your mom. You're supposed to have all sorts of issues with her.
First Class Upgrade of the Week
This week I wish to upgrade The Godfather, for stealing his allies' money. Now he can bribe other people to have them 'taken care of, if you know what I mean.'
It's actually a tie, because I think Meredith also deserves a mention: his 'this is better than a stick in the eye' cause one of the few physical reactions I've ever seen from Phil: his eyebrow moved up and his head tilted momentarily, like a robot trying to process something very complex. Eventually Phil short-circuited and started handing out prizes all over. Well done Meredith. Also: well done for being old and not sucking.
Stow-away of the Week
Lynn and Alex, for not knowing the Spanish word for 'Bitches'. It's ok to swear, but only if they don't understand you, right guys?
Postcard of the Week
"Dear beloved family,
It's been four days. The people here are horrible. They torture us daily with their constant interviews and questions and taxi rides. Today I had to take a Gulag-esque train across the country to god knows where. They don't tell us anything, it's hell on earth. They make us eat on the run, and they're always watching us. I don't know if I can escape, but I'm going to escape or die trying.
Sgt Ron."
Holiday Snapshot of the Week
Uchenna and Joyce took this snapshot as they were arriving at the pitstop.
