Hey I’ve got an idea, let’s rename this season
Survivor WhataMoaner; it rhymes (sort of) with Guatemala. Plus, it would be the one season Steph really
really deserved to win.
This week's episode featured people either shovelling food into their open mouths, or letting stupid words flow out of their open mouths. I think that in future, more anorexic mutes should be allowed onto Survivor, to reduce my annoyance levels.
Steph Outeats, Outmoans, Outsucks
Jamie is gone. Back at camp, Vakuum breathes a sigh of relief; even Judd, because Judd occasionally forgets things. When he remembered what had happened (the rest of the tribe helps him do this by writing
“Where’s Jamie” on his left hand, and
“He was voted off” on his right), he felt all betrayed and stuff. This was clearly evident from his behaviour the next morning, when he ran all the way to Steph to tattle on Lydia, which is what you do for people who betray you.
Gary was trying to turn Lydia on to his side. Therein lies the fault in Gary’s plan. Perhaps Gary was a star of the
Blind NFL, but to the rest of us, it’s clear that Lydia is not exactly in charge of her Alliance. In sporting terms, Gary, that means that you thought you were bribing the goal-keeper, when in fact you were just bribing the guy who carries the kit-bags.
The Reward Challenge was one of those
'Choose who you love' challenges. You can only hope to answer incorrectly every time, because it doesn't matter whose corn pot you choose to hit, they'll hate you for it. I wonder what excuse Steph would have accepted from Lydia?
"Oops, I slipped"? All of the people with chips on their shoulders knocked each other out. The nice people, Rafe and Cindy, got to go on the Reward Challenge while the rest went home and bitched about how they didn't get food (with their mouths full, no less. That's disgusting, Steph). Rafe and Cindy did fun things, and ate a bunch of stuff, which was really boring, because all the good stuff was happening back at camp.
Steph: I don't eat that much. Geez you guys. I only had food, like, twice. Oh and that other time. Gary: *ahem* Steph: Oh, yeah, there was that time where I sat out the challenge to eat. But that's not even a big deal. Gary: Steph, what are you doing right now? Steph: What? I'm just.. er.. eating... Gary: What were you doing at the challenge? Steph: Hey, no one said we couldn't bring a snack along! Gary: Steph, didn't you start eating out of the corn pots when your snack ran out? And why is your pillow a bag of corn? Steph: I sometimes need a midnight snack! Leave me alone! This is totally not a big deal! Ass hat! Steph broke all sorts of records for being an ass this week. When she said Lydia is lucky to still be in the game, she must have been referring to how Lydia has not won a challenge unlike Ste- … heh, ok, well then how about the way Lydia doesn't find food or make any food, unlike Ste-… hmmm, it's a bit baffling as to how Lydia is more lucky than Steph. Perhaps it's because Lydia doesn't befriend asses (Jamie) and monkeys (Judd) as easily as Steph seems able to do, perhaps that skill is what has Steph doing so 'well'.
I'd ask Steph to look up the phrase 'Self-Righteous' in the dictionary but you'd probably complain about how they didn't pay you for the use of her picture.
Lydia takes Second Place
Lydia might be lucky she's still in the game, but we, the viewing public, sure aren't. Her little pity party was, well, pitiful.
Rafe: What you got there Lydia? Lydia: Oh, just some gravel that warmed up in muddy water. It's not too bad, I flavoured it with worms. Lydia is also somewhat deluded. She mentioned near the beginning that she had to change things up a bit and take control of the game. Sheesh, Steph asks her opinion on one vote and this is what happens?
Lydia: I think we should vote Judd out. Steph: Don't you think we should we vote you out because you haven't had a turn yet? Lydia: Good point. I say we vote Gary out.
The Immunity Challenge
Jeff: For this challenge I 'll have to tell you a story. Judd: Story time! Jeff: Story story story. Story story story, story story slutty moon-goddess. Story story, dead. Steph: *Mouth Breathing* Jeff: And... go! Tribe: *run* Lydia: A stepladder! Get me a stepladder! Judd: I think the answer is... sun god! Doh! Steph: None of these boxes have food in them! Gary: *glide* Jeff: Gary in the lead. Judd looking confused. Steph looking... hungry.Danni: I'm not in danger of being voted out tonight, so the editors aren't focussing on me. Judd: I vomit at inappropriate times, so the editors are trying not to focus on me. Unfortunately, I broke their blur machine last week... Rafe: *swish* Gary: *stride* Lydia: *trip* Judd: I think the answer is... sun god! Doh! Jeff: Step up the pace guys. That's what I would do, if I weren't over here, drinking this beer. Rhymes with queer. Ooh, Rafe wins! Rafe: *wins* *smacks Jeff for saying queer* Judd: ..'sun god'... Doh!
Gary's Big Lie
Rafe won Immunity, which is only significant in that Gary
didn't. From then on, it became clear that Gary was going home.
His first mistake was befriending the Evil Pot Smasher Lydia. His second mistake was not being some sort of food. If he had got either one of those right, Steph would definitely have kept him around for one more meal.
His big lie, by the way, was not his identity, which everybody actually knew anyway, but it was his utterance about Danni’s apparently undying loyalty. Danni’s a Radio DJ Gary. She works in 3 hour shifts. So it’s The Afternoon Drive with Danni BoatWright, Playing All Your Favourite Hits. Come Tribal Council, it’s The Graveyard Shift with Evil Danni B, playing you all the best Hits of Betrayal, as well as ABBA.
You tuned in to the wrong show, Gary Hoge-a-boom.
C’mon, you know you want to say it:
Hogaboooooommm…
Hogabooooooommmm….
This week’s winner of the
Shallow End of The Gene Pool Award is a first time winner! Yes, it’s finally Steph! You won Steph, you won! Your prize is food! Devour! Devour!
The winner of the
Let This Person Breed More Award is Rafe ‘Gay Mormon’ Raferrson. He’s winning challenges, he’s being a nice guy, and he’s totally gay. He’s the first gay man to do this well without resorting to full-on nudity, or rubbing himself on truckers. Go Rafe!