Welcome, Idol fans. I’m sitting here with hot water bottle in my lap and a cup of hot chocolate nearby, all ready to liveblog the AI finale. I may be mad to do this and suspect I will have died by the end of three non-stop hours of filler, crap and those blasted “original songs” but I will persist.
I’m 0 for 4 in rotting for winners so I don’t exactly have a good track record here. Nevertheless I have a good feeling about tonight. My team AC Milan just won the CL finale and I think Jordin might just pull through for me here. Come on, Universe. Give me a twofer victory.
Finale Part 11:02 – The theatre is filled with about seventy billion people which is probably only a fraction of the votes cast by the crazed tweeny voters. Ryan introduced Randy “Drummer Boy” Jackson, Paula “On Vicodin for her broken nose” Abdul and Simon “Cleavage” Cowell. Ryan explains Paula tripped over her dog and broke her nose. It looks fine to me, You’ll say anything to get a prescription, won’t you, Paula? Ryan calls Paula a bitch. Ooh, we won’t have to use the seven second delay, will we?
1:05 – Horrible memories! Seattle’s terrible singers are flashed back to. It’s too late at night for this *bleep!*. But Seattle also gave us a bad-dancing beatboxer with a bad dye job and a bad-dancing giantess with hypnotic curls, aka the top two. Thanks, Seattle!
1:07 – A sign misspells Jordin’s name as “Jordan”. Brilliant. Ryan tells us we will decide their fate. Who will be thrown to the lions and who will receive their freedom? Ryan tosses a special coin with Blake and Jordin’s likenesses on. When AI takes over the world, that will be our currency.
1:09 – First songs are their favourite songs. Remember when Blake gave love a bad name? He revisits that, beating his box all the way. I loved this performance the first time round. I still like it but it’s lost its novelty factor. I fervently hope Jordin doesn’t reprise her Bon Jovi. Blake tries to escape with the microphone. It’s too late, Blake. Clive Davis already owns your soul.
1:11 - Little Drummer Randy gives 10 out of 10 for beatboxing and says the singing’s aight. I sip my hot choc as part of the drinking game. Paula’s so *bleep!* high on pain medication, it’s not funny. Simon calls him not the best singer but the best performer. Various other Idols cheer in the audience including Blake’s secret boyfriend Chris.
1:14 – New song for Jordin; Xtina’s Fighter. She’s got some attitude going on. I like it. Vocally not her best but I’m an unabashed Jordin fan so I love it. She could sing the worst song in the world and I’d still love it (which incidentally she will later on when they sing the original songs).
1:16 – Cheers for Jordin from the audience. Randy calls her stellar, Paula says the same thing. Simon says yay for a younger song but calls the vocals shrieky in the middle. He gives Round 1 to Blake. Naturally. I would bet big money he calls Round 2 to Jordin and finally decides to call Round 3 for whomever he wants as the winner.
1:22 – Tiny, adorable child Blake! Sweet father of Blake! He’s tackling Maroon 5 again but this time it’s their overcloying ballad She Will Be Loved. “Beauty Queen of only 18” he sings. Could that be Jordin? No, she’s 17. Sorry. Vocals are bad here. Worse than usual, I mean. Unfortunately his performance skills aren’t making up for it like they usually do. The notes he’s hitting are painful.
1:25 – Randy calls it a nice vocal. He likes to hear him sing pure. Pure pain, maybe. Perhaps he borrowed some of Paula’s pain meds. Paula calls it relaxing (that could be the Vicodin) and says that it sounds great. Simon says it was good, safe and didn’t make much of an impact. Blake’s having fun in his jersey he stole off a golfer.
1:29 – An ad for our own Afrikaans Idols sokkie treffers CDs plays. Gawd, it’s awful. I’d rather listen to a full CD of Sanjaya tunes than them. Hell, I’d rather listen to a Sanjaya CD than most of this year’s Idols.
1:31 – 12 year old Jordin sings badly in a pantsuit. How far she’s come since then in those…how many years? Six? Seven? Eight? If only I could remember how old she is. She’s reprising Broken Wing. Beautiful, beautiful. She looks beautiful and sounds beautiful. I think I like it even more than the first time she sang this. Love it, love it, love it.
1:34 – Randy lurves her. He says she’s 17. Drink! Flawless, unbelievable and better than the original, he says. Paula says she’s soaring. Much like Paula’s brain right now. Simon says “Now that was good”. That’s big for him.
1:35 – The winners of the song-writing competition are revealed. Will they be the new Lennon and McCartney? Hint: no. More importantly, will this dreck manage to be worse than the awfulness Katharine McPhee sang last year? The original song is called This Is My Now. It sounds Celine-ish to start. It’s boring and rubbish. He doesn’t beatbox it much to my disappointment. About par for the course. Lyrics are so generic, I’ll make them up:
This is my nowI’m reaching for my dreamsI’m flying through my hopesThe moment is mineI’ve come out of the shadowsBecause this is my now.So I make you proudThis is my now,A moment like thisInside your heavenBecause this is my nowAnd I am readyTo take on my destiny1:39 – Randy calls it just aight. I’d drink but I already finished my hot chocolate. Paula says great job. The drugs are powerful. They acknowledge it’s not his kind of song. Simon calls it odd. He calls it not a bad song (Liar, liar, manboobs on fire!) and says to judge him based on his first two songs.
1:44 – Dear god, I’m going to have to hear this song again. Jordin’s a billion kinds more suited to this kind of treacly ballad so you know it’s going to be better. It is. She makes it halfway bearable. Cut to Melinda in the audience with the funniest expression on her face like “Can you believe this *bleep!* song?” I feel ya, Melinda. Take heart; if you hadn’t been voted off, you’d have been the one singing this rubbish.
1:47 – Aw, Jordin’s broken down at the end of the song. She’s crying. Not for the same reason I am, I bet. God, she’s won it. She’s so won it. Randy calls her the best singer tonight. Paula blabbers and calls her an angel. Simon says last week he didn’t think she was good enough to make the finals but says he was wrong. It’s a singing competition (lie!) and she wiped the floor with Blake on this “song” (truth). The audience cheers. She’s so got this won.
1:51 – Recap of the performances. Jordin owning Blake in every conceivable way. Come on, CROWN HER ALREADY! She has to win this surely? Don’t disappoint me again, Idol. Randy says Jordin wins the night. Paula screams love to Chris for some reason and doesn’t say who she thinks should be the winner. Simon says best individual performance was Blake but best overall singing was Jordin. Paula says they’re all winners. Except for the eleven losers. And us for having to hear This Is My Now.
1:54 – Chris Daughtry’s here, remember him? Oh, is this who Paula was announcing her love for? I thought she was trying to steal Blake’s man for a second. DAUGHTRY sings Home again. I am still completely underwhelmed by this song. Behind him plays images of all the annoying losers we’d prefer to forget. Sanjaya’s crying. Gina jumping on Melinda. In the audience, the rest of the top 12 whose names I’ve already forgotten sing along. Jordin flexes on screen and holds flowers. Subliminal message: She is your newest American Idol.
Finale Part 22:01 – ZOMGWTFBBQ!! Actual live stuff going on here! I’m watching this at the same time as the Americans! Hi, Americans! 160 billion people are watching around the globe, says Ryan. Including me! I’m one of them! This makes staying up until this insane time so worth it.
2:03 – God, Randy Jackson’s suit has like gold lamé *bleep!* all over it. I think I preferred his Little Drummer Boy get-up. Paula doesn’t look like she escaped from rehab tonight for once but actually looks put together.
2:04 – Jordin and Blake sing some song called I Saw Her Standing There (As A Parade Of Confetti Rained Down Upon Her Giant Frame). This is of course another subliminal reference to Jordin. Aw, they’re real cute singing to each other. Blake twirls his much-taller-than-him singing partner into his arms and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Cute! How long until people start shipping them and calling them Blordin or Jake or something?
2:06 – Gwen Stefani on tour singing whatever her new single is. It’s pleasant. Very nice. Much better than that Wind It Up sing which mutilates The Lonely Goatherd. I still like her No Doubt stuff better. She’s dressed crazy like she always dresses.
2:11 – During the break, I quickly check an American AI site to see if they’re discussing Gwen. They are! Because it’s live! And we’re seeing everything at the exact same time! Yes, I’m still hung up on this. How did you guess.
2:13 – KELLY CLARKSON!! SINGING NEVER AGAIN!!! EEEEE!! LOVE!! She’s pissed and got red Matrix script happening behind her like she’s Neo and Trinity jilted her to marry Morpheus. I sing along. Well actually, I mouth along. It’s 2 in the morning for god’s sake. I love her scratchy rock voice. She looks all rock grrrl hot. And angry. Marry me, Kelly! Jerry Springer claps at her awesomeness from the audience.
2:17 – The Golden Idol awards are up next. Oh god, the *bleep!* singers time. Must you bring down my Kelly high so quickly? Ooh, it’s Puma man. He was high-larious. An orgasming cowboy hat wearer next. Bird woman with the giant cameltoe. Ye gods, stop focusing in on her fat rolls, camera! Stop the insanity! Tweety Bird wins the best presentation award and makes out with Ryan. That’s probably about the third time ever he’s made out with a girl. Jennifer Hudson’s in the audience wearing glasses and wondering why she showed up for this torture. Tweety says a poem for a thousand years. The joke is not just run into the ground, it’s in China.
2:22 – The top 6 guys sing. SANJAYA! He’s put curlers in for the occasion. And some other guys who can’t sing as well as the girls are there too. They’re all wearing matching white like some scary alternate reality version of the Backstreet Boys. In comes Smokey Robinson to show them how a male singer should sound. The top 6 boys sing accompany him like the back-up singers we know they are. They dance badly too.
2:34 – Blake is beatboxing with…some guy. I don’t know, I came in late and missed the introduction. Dude really is an excellent beatboxer. Blake, I mean. This is quite nice for a timewarp to the early 90s. Oh, it’s Doug E Fresh according to Ryan.
2:36 – More worst singer awards. That guys who sang Unchained Melody in the key of pain. That woman who sang Black Velvet in the key of completely unrecognisable. That guy who sang…some song really, really loudly. He had a yucky pomaded ponytail if it helps. He wins too. He still has the ponytail. Black Velvet mushmouther was robbed. He sings but it loses something for the audience without a damn microphone.
2:39 – Top 6 girls now. They heard it through the grapevine (that Jordin has this competition in the bag) I like Gina’s hair. Hey, Stephanie’s there. I’d forgotten her. Hayley’s modestly dressed for once. Gladys Knight comes out. She’s not wearing a matching white dress for some reason. Come on, Gladys, if LaKisha has to wear one, so do you. Melinda looks humbled (naturally) to be next to Gladys. Her, Glad and LaKisha sing Midnight Train To Georgia together like a Cerberus of fantastic singing.
2:44 – David Hasselhoff is in the audience and not crying this year. Yeah, I think we’ve seen quite enough of that on a certain video. During the ad, I take the opportunity to check the AI boards and find a great shot of Melinda’s expression during Jordin’s version of This Is My Now. Priceless.
Thanks to Survivor Sucks where I nicked this from2:48 – Ewww, Constantine! I need a shower just by looking at him. Tony Bennett comes on to sing. Watch out for his new CD, hitting retirement homes near you. Jennifer Hudson claps and pretends to care. I don’t even pretend.
2:51 – Best buddies of awfulness. Will it be the Retard and the Bush Baby? Paris and Nicole…I mean Antonella and Whatserface? Or Simon and Ryan? Employees of the show should not be eligible for this award. I protest Ryan and Simon’s inclusion. The Retard and the Bush Baby win. It’s still exploitative and it still sucks (says me who calls the poor kid “The retard”. Yeah, I suck too. It’s late and I’m cranky. MY GOD, will this FILLER never END?).
2:56 – MELINDA!! She’s singing with Bebe and CeCe Winans. For the duration of the song, her name will be changed to EmEm. Vocally, it’s great but I’m so not a gospel fan. Melinda fits in just fine with them. Shot of Simon looking as if his eyes are about to roll out of his head with boredom.
3:01 – I despair that there’s still a whole goddamn hour to go. Why in Odin’s sweet name did I decide to watch the two parts of the finale all at once? Remember all those Ford pimpmercials the Idols starred in? No, of course not because we never got to see them. Here’s a recap of these stupid/creepy/embarrassing ads anyway. Jordin and Blake then get cars. Blake does a Borat impression. Weren’t we supposed to get a Borat guest appearance on Idol Gives Back? What ever happened to that?
3:04 – Carrie’s here to sing her lovely countrified version of I’ll Stand By You again. Yay! I really like this. Hey, Word spell check totally recognises ‘countrified’ as a word. Does that word even exist? I think I’m lowering my Word program’s vocabulary. Ryan’s ex beard Teri Hatcher claps in the audience looking down. Maybe she’s still hung up on him?
3:08 – Clive Davis flies out of his crypt to dis Taylor and Katharine badly while fellating DAUGHTRY. Nasty. I didn’t expect such open hostility from the old ghoul. He pimps out all the Idol successes. Blah blah boring. I can feel him sucking my lifeforce out of him just from looking at the screen. After 200 years of talking (a mere moment in the unnaturally long life of Clive Davis), he finally presents some or other award to Carrie.
3:16 – This is the show that never ends, it just goes on and on my friend. OMG, CROWN JORDIN ALREADY SO I CAN POST THIS AND GO TO BED. The African Children’s Choir returns sans Josh Groban and they are soooo fab. Josh who? These kids are totally showing up most of the performances tonight. African Children’s Choir FTW!
3:19 – Fake trailer for SANJAYA!! He so owned this season entertainment-wise that he gets his own segment. Crying girl! Hair! And he’s performing with Joe Perry from Aerosmith. Did I say African Children’s Choir for the win? Sanjaya FTW! Crying girl is back and still crying! Wind machine is blowing Sanjaya’s amazing, fabulous hair behind him!! My god, I am dead. Dead from the sheer awesomeness of this performance.
3:23 – Green Day are up next, singing a John Lennon cover song for Darfur. It’s a really cool song. Billy-Joe Armstrong’s hair is not looking so good. Maybe he should ask Sanjaya for hair advice. The show pretends it has some sort of conscience as the band sings about working class heroes. How is Green Day on this show anyway? Doesn’t American Idol, soulless, corporate and owned by Newscorp, represent exactly the kind of *bleep!* they sang about on American Idiot?
3:31 – Home stretch. This show is like five sixths over, which is likely 80 %. Or 76 %. Or something. It’s late, OK? Now it’s Taylor time. No, no, no. Not Taylor. Has he still got seizures? Does he know there’s medication for that? His jacket is shiny from the tears he wept after Clive Davis totally shat on him earlier on. This song is boring. This performance is boring, and if there’s one thing Taylor wasn’t, it was boring to watch. They even broke Taylor.
3:35 – Ryan says there’s more outstanding music to come tonight (lie!). Jordin’s duet is with bloody Ruben. You have got to be kidding me. I thought Doug E Fresh was a shitty duet partner but Jordin gets the worst-selling, most forgettable former AI winner there is? This show totally hates Jordin and Blake. This time next year, Clive is going to be throwing them under the bus like he just did to Kat and Taylor. Enjoy, kids!
3:43 – Ray Romano’s brother has killed Paula and stolen her seat. Bette Midler comes on and dear god, she’s singing Wind Beneath My Wings. Are they trying to KILL ME?! Are they literally trying to stop my heart so Clive Davis can feed on my brains with mushy peas? There’s only so much one person can take and this is my limit. Mute! But no, I can still hear the evil song in my head even with the sound off. Paula’s not dead, turns out, Randy flaps her arms around like wings. Ad break comes just in time to recover.
3:51 – The end is near, and I’m not just talking about my end from being exposed to three hours straight of this crap. Kelly’s back and she’s singing Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club with Joe Perry. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club apparently hopes that I enjoy the show. I do not, my good sergeant but that may be because I’m still recovering from Wind Beneath My Wings. Taylor’s next in his shirt from the year 3000. He looks like a man who’s had a stroke. Beatles get mutilated. Carrie takes the stage. The Idolettes sing back-up for her. Ruben waddles on next to sing Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. I prefer William Shatner’s version myself. Dear Lennon’s ghost, the top 12 are now massacring the Beatles. Gina promises to try not to sing out of key. She fails. I hear Sanjaya’s mom can help with the getting high part of the song.
4: 05 – Surely now they’re going to crown the winner? Yes! Ryan says it’s time! A world record was broken for votes. Ryan does not talk about the lowering ratings this season. Randy says Jordin should take it, Paula loves them both (chicken) and Simon thinks Jordin’s got it as well. Lights are dimmed and…
THE WINNER IS…
(heart’s beating fast…)
JORDIN SPARKS!! YEAH BABY, SHE DID IT!!
(David Hasselhoff is still not crying. A sign in the audience still misspells Jordin with an ‘a’..)
YAY!! I’M SO EXCITE…OH *bleep!*, SHE’S SINGING THIS IS MY NOW AGAIN!! NOOOOO!!
Awww, but she’s losing it big time and trying to hold back the tears in the middle of the song (and failing) and OMG I love this! This is so cool, seeing my favourite finally win and have the confetti and crying and love and big giant finale!! I’m sooo thrilled! Not as much as Jordin though because we all know what a hyper nut she is but still! YAY JORDIN!!
And that’s a wrap, folks. I’m knackered, pleased for Jordin and heading to bed. Congrats to Jords for the win. Made this whole crapass season worth it.
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