Poor Billy. We hardly knew ye. No sooner did you rawk your way into our hearts than you were voted off by your ungrateful tribemates who didn’t realise what a valuable asset your lying around and doing nothing was to them.
Just to twist the knife in a little harder, they got rid of you just as you’d finally found love. I look forward to hearing your metal ballad about your experiences called “My Skull Upon Your Heart, O Queen Of My Darkness”.
It all started off so well for Aitu (not Aita as I mistakenly called them last episode. You can blame my chicken scrawl handwriting which I can’t even read for that one) who were working hard on their shelter and enjoying plenty of food. Ozzy sure knows how to bring in the bacon, or the Baconfish as the case may be.
The first cracks we got to see in Aitu were between Ozzy and Cristina. He was trying to get the shelter built properly while at the same time trying not to come across as too bossy. Cristina kept giving her opinion on what to do and how to do things as was most definitely feeling bossed around.
Now Cristina is pretty badass. She wears the bullet that she was shot with around her neck as a reminder of her near-death experience
and subsequent bloody revenge when she gave the shooter the Death Wish he’d been asking for. But Ozzy’s had craploads of experience camping and being in the wilderness so Cristina should shut her piehole and let Ozzy do his thing. While camping, Camping Guy trumps Cop Woman every time no matter how many bullets she might have taken.
According to Ozzy, the two don’t see eye-to-eye because of their age difference and because she’s a cop. Ozzy doesn’t trust cops. They keep trying to arrest him for the stuff he grows in his garden.
Sometimes the captions just write themselves.Besides this drama, there was another rock (or should I say metal) that was bringing Aitu down and that was Billy, lying on the beach and not doing anything, like a heavy metal. “I’m trying to reserve my energy,” he explained. Yeah well, how about applying that same reserve to your appetite and sticking with rice while your tribemates get to eat the fish, Lardass. We’ll see how far your reserve spreads then.
Ozzy was frustrated that he had to keep telling Billy what to do but it seems that Billy’s head is as metal as the rest of him and he just wouldn’t get it. Speaking of metal, Billy also argued that the reason he didn’t get along with his tribe wasn’t because he was a lazyass breaking the first rule of Survivor manners (haul your butt or they’ll haul your butt right out of there) but because of cultural differences: “Metal is my culture.” The Metalhead Association Against Defamation should lodge a complaint against him for that.
It's only two letters long and yet JP still needs to write his name on his chest just to know how to spell it.That night, while Billy was snoring in the background, the Aitus discussed throwing the challenge. Yes, even though they only had five people to start with and didn’t have any numerical advantage whatsoever. Yes, even though they had participated in a grand total of one challenge and came second.
Just in case you thought Raro and Hiki were the source of all of the dumbassery, here’s Aitu proving that no matter what your colour or creed, all Survivor contestants are equally stupid. Even successful tribes who have been on winning streaks have ended up regretting throwing challenges for no reason and these yahoos want to do it this early on when they have no advantage whatsoever?
To her credit, Cristina bit the bullet and told her fellow tribemates that she thought this was a bad idea. To her tribemates’ non-credit, they paid no attention.
By contrast, Hiki recovered a little of their mojo when they managed to start a fire, despite the absence of their firegod Sekou. Hmm, he must’ve forgotten to take the hypothetical flame with him. Unfortunately what he did take was any interest Hiki had. They were boring this week. Hopefully they’ll once again find their spark (see what I did there?) next week.
At Raro, Jonathan came back from Exile Island to find that nothing had been done and his tribemates had spent his absence making out or picking fleas out of their hair or rollerskating or whatever it is Raro does for fun.
If you can look at this pic without wanting to slap the *bleep!* out of Jessica, then you are a better person than me.A frustrated Jonathan set to work on the shelter and recruited Flica as his packhorse. Candice, Adam and Parvati decided it would be far more productive to lie on their asses and talk about how hot they were.
Jonathan confronted them and they were all blank-eyed and “What is this work of which you speak?” Adam in particular was clueless as to what the big deal was about having a shelter with a raised platform and protested that he didn’t want to have to waste his time on useless things so they should vote on whether they wanted to do the work or not. Parvati said she did want a shelter (then help out, you little twit) while Candice just sat there silently composing love poems for her luvah
Billy Adam.
Maybe they should send A-dumb off to join the Metal Tribe along with Billy and the both of them can see what happens when other people don’t do all the work for them.
Puka is the only tribe not to have shown much idiocy yet but this is Survivor so it’s all a matter of time. They were fine with the food and shelter situation and Cao Boi’s magic fingers were adept at getting rid of any headaches his tribemates had (half of which were brought on by him in the first place).
The tribe was less than impressed with his jokes which tended to be…um, not kosher, as Parvati would say. The other tribemembers complained that they didn’t like his Asian stereotype jokes and that they reinforced prejudices people had. Cao Boi protested he was dispelling those stereotypes by telling the jokes and asked them “What do you call a Vietnamese with three dogs?” The others did not wait for an answer but continued to lecture him on the workings of racial sensitivity. Cao Boi was unphased.
Yes, but what
do you call a Vietnamese with three dogs? Damn, I kinda want to know the punchline now. Does that make me a racist?
The Immunity Challenge was an obstacle course that also saw the teams having to remember a story about Captain Cook. Aitu added lack of subtlety to their list of sins when they threw the challenge in such an obvious way that even a dimbulb like Billy could figure it out.
Can't forget to catalogue even a single second of Billy's shame.
Thankfully Jeff refrained from joining in the celebration and showing off his dorky white guy dancing.Puka and Raro tied for first, Hiki managed to avoid a return to Tribal Council and Aitu lost with shit-eating grins on their faces like they’d done something good. Then Aitu somehow managed to pile another stupid move on top of their growing heap when they sent Yul to Exile Island.
Great, give Yul a shot at the Hidden Immunity Idol. Because giving one of the strongest players the opportunity to get their grubby paws on the Idol worked so well last season with Terry.
So Yul toddled off merrily to Exile Island and guess what he found almost immediately. Come on, guess. Yes, Yul managed to work out the clue easily and was soon the proud owner of one Immunity Compass. I preferred the shrunken head.
"Hey baby. How about we ditch these guys and find a nice, quiet spot in the jungle after this challenge."Aitu returned to camp unaware of what their move had wrought. Billy was worried and tried to convince Cristina not to vote for him because she’d be next. See, Cristina doesn’t trust “Oscar”, not because he’s a dumbass but because he’s “conniving”. A conniving person? On Survivor? Will wonders never cease?
Cristina seemed to contemplate this and Billy hoped she could convince the bodaciously-bodied Cecilia to vote with them against Ozzie. Cecilia didn’t seem all that into it and it was obvious that Billy was a dead man walking.
At TC, he revealed that he knew all about Aitu’s challenge-throwing. Jeff looked like it took all he had not to start laughing at how stupid they were. Billy then revealed a shocking truth: he had fallen in love. Was it the bodaciously-bodied Cecilia who had stolen his heart or the badass Cristina? Neither. He revealed he was engaged in a torrid love affair with…Candice.
Jeff’s reaction shot was the funniest thing ever. He called it the most random thing he’d ever seen on Survivor, which considering the fat naked guys, women who talk to bats, pelican-phobes and people talking to imaginary Blackberries he’s seen, is saying a lot.
"This must be what going mad feels like."Billy had fallen in love with her despite being on completely different tribes and having shared a total of three sentences at the IC. Their affair was being conducted via a series of winks in morse code and specially colour-coordinated clothes.
The dawning of their love.When Jeff had finally recovered his faculties, he sent them all to vote. They all voted for Billy. The truly sad thing is not he will never be able to share any island moments with his lady love.
To the tragic tale of Billy and Candice, lovers torn apart by fate.
Next week: Cao Boi somehow manages to drive his tribemates even crazier than he already has and Parvati puts only skill to use. Hint: it’s not brawns, brains or hard work.