Yuuuuuullllllllll!!!!
No, I have not had a sudden stroke while writing Yul’s name as one of the people who voted for him seemed to when their “Yuuuuullllleeee” vote was revealed. I am merely calling out his name in a joyful cheer.
This episode was so shocking! Not because Ozzy left the tribe to live on another island as a Robinson Crusoe figure or because Becky was kidnapped by pygmies never to be seen again. Not because Adam revealed that he was actually a genius with an IQ of over 200 and was only posing as a lunkhead or because Candice and Jonathan revealed their secret love at the final TC.
No, the real unexpected twists came when not only did it come down to a very likeable group of people for the big prize but that the most deserving and coolest person the entire season actually won it. And to top it all off, the jury were as gracious losers as you could possibly imagine.
Satisfying winners and nice juries on Survivor? Whatever next?
The episode kicked off with the obligatory fifteen minute recap of people you barely remember and who got thirty seconds max airtime in the reunion. I hope you used that time to order up some pizza or make popcorn. The real episode began with Adam lounging around in the tent doing nothing. OK, I guess some things about the episode weren’t completely unexpected.
"Candice and Poverty may both be gone but at least I have this bundle of clothes to cuddle up to."Was Adam expecting Becky and Sundra to automatically become his new sleepmates? If so, he was out of luck. The Aitu four were as disgusted by his log impersonation as ever. His only chance lay in winning immunity.
The first IC featured a web-like obstacle course and what Jeff described as the most devilishly hard puzzle ever to appear on Survivor, conceived by Einstein himself after a bender and only able to be solved by NASA employees on a good day. Ironically, the devilish puzzle would turn out to be nothing compared to the challenge Sundra and Becky faced later on in the episode. Matches are hard, yo.
Ozzy started off badly and was firmly in last place for the first third of the challenge before somehow gaining enough time to just as firmly claim the lead. Adam’s idiot savant skills once again manifested themselves and he looked like he might actually solve the puzzle first but there was no way the immunity necklace was ever going to leave the spot where it was welded to Ozzy’s chest. Ozzy won again.
Ozzy, you're not supposed to eat the bag! Man, starvation does weird things to people.
“Black, brown and yellow power,” Sundra cheerleadered to Ozzy, Yul and Becky when they were back at camp. Heh. This is pretty great revenge for twelve straight seasons of this show only casting the occasional ethnic minority and mostly portraying them as either lazy or crazy. Heck, it even makes sitting through the stereotype-laden first episode worth it.
Adam tried a couple of last ditch efforts to woo a few Aitus to his side but he wasn’t very good at it. He went to TC a sitting duck. Also at TC, Nate came out with a cane which was never explained. Why was he limping? Did a piranha eat his foot? Did he step on Poverty’s pointy shoe collection? Was he channeling the spirit of Dr Gregory House? We’ll never know.
Speaking of disabilities, Candice should really get that constant eyeroll thing checked out. And Poverty was looking worryingly droopy-faced but that may just have been the twenty kgs of makeup slathered on her face weighing her down.
"Bitch say what?"
"Whaaaat?"
Before Adam left, he made his one and only amusing statement the entire season which was to call Becky and Sundra boring. You think it’s bad over there, Adam? You should try being us at home watching these two get about two minutes of total screentime throughout the entire season.
Adam was promptly voted out and I’ll say this for him; he gave a really gracious goodbye speech. He also may or may not have said that he was beaten “square and square”. It’s possible I misheard in my eagerness to make one last “Adam is a doofus” joke.
So the four Aitus that looked like dead meat when Candice and Jonathan mutinied? Actually turned out to be the final four. Freakin’ fantastic twist of fate there. And by fate, I mean Yul because he is able to manipulate Fate itself when he needs to.
A map and treemail informed the final four that they were going to do the walk of boring contestant flashbacks before heading out to the final IC. Yul, our resident science whiz, noticed the screwy maths and realised that this meant that there was going to be a final three rather than a final four.
Time for the torch-burning! Flashbacks of all forty-eight contestants reminded us of their finest moments. I hope you used this time wisely to refill your drinks or take a bathroom break, after re-watching the Billy segment that is.
"So did anyone remember to bring the marshmallows?"
The final IC involved balancing on foot perches which were made for each contestant’s proportional foot sizes. Nice and fair detail there. Becky was first to fall and Yul was next even though he looked like he might last longer due to crouching on his perch and lowering his centre of gravity.
For the first time in forever, Ozzy looked less like a super seamonkey and more like a normal mortal as he almost fell off his perch a number of times. Sundra looked steady. Could it be that the unthinkable was about to happen and Ozzy was going to lose?
This hat means business. You don't mess with a hat like this.No, it couldn’t. Sundra lost her balance and Ozzy claimed his beloved immunity necklace one last time. Good, I’d hate for the necklace to suffer separation anxiety.
"Let's never part again, my love."The Aitus decided that the fairest way of voting would be to divide the votes equally between Sundra and Becky and let them battle it out in a tiebreaker. Since Yul was very close to Becky, he debated whether he should give her the hidden immunity idol. It was later revealed that she herself refused to take it because she would feel like she was riding coattails to the final. Fair enough.
This meant that the tiebreaker was ON. Becky and Sundra had to light a fire and burn a rope. First one to do it would claim
third place a place in the final three. The challenge began. It was riveting. Neither of them could get the flint to spark to save their lives. Half an hour passed. Nothing. An hour passed. Still nothing.
What a nailbiter! Would the jury be able to stay awake without the aid of a very loud gong? Would Jeff announce his retirement and spend his remaining days in Florida midway through? Would the wood decay and turn to dust?
Sundra and Becky's tiebreaker: a visual companion. First our audience is enraptured.
As time passes, boredom begins to set in ever-so-slightly.
Something exciting has just happened! Becky must have dropped a stick and had to pick it up.
Candice hasn't felt this sleepy since having to feign interest in conversations with Adam.
Then comes daydreaming. Brad is thinking about how handsome Jeff looks in his shirt. Rebecca is wondering what possessed Nate to wear pink.
Finally, desperation set in and the contestants start praying for the sweet embrace of death.Jeff shook himself awake, dusted the cobwebs from his beard and told Becky and Sundra to drop the flint and use matches before they all died of old age. With grim determination, they picked up their matches…and spent another half hour trying to get the fire going. Finally Sundra declared she was out of matches.
What an anticlimax! Or it would have been had I not fallen off my chair laughing five minutes before. Becky finally managed to light her flame high enough to burn the rope and Sundra was sent on her way with a final hug for Becky and loads of sincere well-wishes for the rest of Aitu.
Awww, I liked Sundra. Totally this season’s sweetheart. Or she would have been if she has been given more than eight seconds of airtime per episode. In her final words, she spoke about how the experience ignited many things in her. Pity one of those things couldn’t have been her fire.
The next day, a couple of local beauties popped by with a feast for the final three. Yul’s island girlfriend was nowhere in sight. Also nowhere in sight was Becky who had wandered off and looked like she was going to miss this lovely feast. Ozzy remarked that it was probably symbolic of how she was going to get locked out of the votes completely. Yep, pretty much. Be honest, did you expect Becky to get a single vote?
The final TC loomed. I was torn. One the one hand, bitchy and delusional jury questions are always fun. On the other hand, I didn’t really want any of the final three to get blasted because they were genuinely nice and deserving of their places. What has become of me? Am I going soft?
Yul began his performance in front of the jury well. He argued logically and honestly about what he’d one and came off as neither savouring anything he’d had to do nor not taking responsibility.
Becky argued that she did what she had to do since she came into this game knowing she was never going to be the strongest, fastest of smartest competitor. Adam had a pissy look on his face which read something like “How dare you not be strongest?” Oh can it, Flintstone.
Ozzy played up his role as the provider and talked about having heart and putting his all into the game. No need to mention his challenge godliness because well, how could anyone forget?
Nate kicked off the questions and compared Yul to the Godfather and Ozzy to a warrior. Do they have warriors in the Mafia? Do hitmen count? He wondered what Becky was. A gangster’s moll? Becky pointed out that although Yul came across as the Godfather, the two of them made decisions together and she played just as much a role in his strategy as he did. So she’s…the Godmother?
Jenny asked which aspect of the game was more important; strategy or physicality. My man Yul claimed neither and that the social aspect was the most important part of the game. For reals.
Poverty called Becky “Beckers”. Oh yeah and she asked her a question too. She said that Becky was sitting in between two giants and asked what she had done to make her deserving over the two of them? Becky talked about how she’d refused to take Yul up on his offer to give her the immunity idol against Sundra.
Rebecca asked some boringass question I can’t remember which led to Yul talking about how he was glad to break stereotypes and represent the Asian community fairly. Ozzy answered similarly about the Latino community. And while it’s nice and all and they really are good representatives, it’s Survivor not America’s Next Top Role-model, dudes. Why are you representing anything at all except yourself?
Adam was happy he could finally get his bitch on after some boring TCs where he wanted to die. Sorry there weren’t enough shiny objects to occupy your mind, Adam. He asked the final three to talk trash about each other. Like the Brady Bunch of Aitu could ever say nasty things to each other.
Well, Ozzy was able to choke out something about how he thought Yul didn’t work hard enough at the game. The Godfather will get you for that statement. Just for that, he’s going to put a Booby’s head in your bed. Ozzy also claimed Becky was a coattail rider who couldn’t make fire. Sheesh, you take an hour-and-a-half to get a flame and suddenly you’re that-girl-who-couldn’t-make-fire for the rest of your life.
And although I’m on Team Yul all the way and totally think he’s the most deserving contestant, I kinda feel for Becky. If she was as proactive and involved in the decisions as she says (and Yul later confirmed this), she really got the shaft as far as editing and players’ respect go.
Yeah, going under-the-radar isn’t wildly interesting to watch nor is it flashy but it’s not coattail-riding like some people (coughAdamcough) say it is and deserves as much respect as obvious god-fathering or winning every challenge in sight. It’s just more subtle, is all.
Phew, I must really like this bunch if, instead of tearing into the stupid jury speeches of embittered losers, I’m imploring people to give a thought to those under-the-radar players among us. It’s not like Becky even mattered at all in front of the jury so I don’t know why I’m even bothering to recap her parts.
Candice had my favourite question when she asked Yul to answer either yes or no, with no elaboration, whether he was playing the jury shamelessly. Heh. Yul thought about this for a moment and then answered yes. More heh. I love him. He’s manipulative yet somehow sincere and honest enough about it that it’s totally cool. Plus, in answering her question about shamelessly playing up to people, he just shamelessly played up to Candice. More sneaky, loveable, roguish nerds like Yul please, casting people!
Brad’s question was another boring one I can barely remember but which prompted Ozzy to squeeze out the tears. It’s not final TC without a few. Ozzy recounted his daddy issues and everyone was sad for him.
A smiling Sundra wanted to know what life lessons the final three had taken from the game. Man, were half these people reading Chicken Soup For The Soul before this? Why are these questions so self-help-y? Basically, Ozzy learned about love, Becky learned about time and Yul learned about self-confidence.
Finally Jonathan came with his glorious madness to save us all. In his rambling speech, he somehow managed to talk semantics about how polite and politic were two signs of the same coin. Oh yeah, and also half-lies are half-truths at the same time. I think buried somewhere in there was a question about how Yul’s future constituents (is he a budding politician?) would see his manipulations within the game. Yul was all “Well, they’ll see it’s a game, duh” except nicer and more well-spoken about it.
Then Jonathan turned to Ozzy and said he detected a certain amount of arrogance and entitlement to him. Which I kind of agree with. I like Ozzy but I’ve also gotten that impression from him at certain times. Not overwhelmingly or anything but it’s there.
Not that this accusation had anything to do with Jonathan’s full question which was “How will you winning the million dollars make your, and my, world a better place?” Your world, Jonathan? Er…he’ll maybe buy you a beer after the reunion? Ozzy answered that he’d use the cash to go to college.
On that less-than-fascinating answer, it was time to vote. We got to see Jonathan vote for Yul and Poverty vote for Oscar whose “fire had captivated [her]”. Yeah, I bet it was his fire that captivated you.
Jeff took off back to the US and didn’t even need a helicopter for once. He stepped through some foliage and suddenly he was there. A wormhole perhaps? Jeff read out the votes. Four votes to Ozzy and five to Yul. Hooray!
What a fab result! Best winner ever! Congrats to Yul on a very well-deserved win.