While everywhere in the U.S. fans are mourning while Writers for thier Favourite shows are striking, it is reported that Soap Writers have returned to work. Sad news for Days of our Lives fans is that that means not even the Writers Strike could have given viewers a break from the trash the writers are feeding them at the moment.
Since briefly leaving Salem viewing a few months ago, due part outrage of horrid storylines and the fact that I was unable to watch further episodes, I've managed to catch up on months of episodes in a few short weeks.
Salem's Quickest Sex Change-
His Name Is Stanmi (and no his not related to Mimi)
As if Salem didn't have enough Gay and Lesbian characters (Phillip, Gaydy, Chloe, Bonnie, Kate and Celeste) someone for the LGBT Society or something must have complained about its lack of diversity in cast, thats why Salem's newest conjured crap is a Transvestite Transexual, whatever the term is needed to be applied...
Anyways after clearly getting useless sex from Lucas; who was at one time suspected to be gay aswell, gay by association because of his little gay son, Terror-ears, Sami Brady got a bit bored and in popped her ex from town, with a little bad writing, unfortunate timing and help from Lady Darkness Kate Whoreton, Sami and Blandon ended up sleeping together... and there wasn't much sex there either.
For about two week, three days and 9 hours in CAT Sami and Brandon laid next to each other each fantasising about thier own pleasures... Sami dreamt of Will being hit in a hit and run and Lucas and her wedding day while Blandon dreamt of getting a GHD hair iron for Christmas that year. All due to the drugs they were drugged by Eugenia, Kate's lesbian co-worker and allegdged lover.
Long Brokeback Hotel Bedroom story short, through Kates persuation, Lucas arrives at Blandon's hotel room (Blandon clearly was expecting Lucas to bring his GHD Hair Iron thats why he must of opened) and Lucas caught a very pregnant loooking Sami in Brandon's bed...
And while time drags in Salem and only speeds up for SORAS'd (Soap Opera Rapid Age Syndrome) kids, the baby was alas, not a creation from Salem God, Ken Corday.
Lucas didnt want to take Sami back, clearly blamed her for his increase in grey hair, kept siding with his slut cheap-fur wearing mother and even little Terror-ears turned against his mother in his luminously arb Wallpost on his wall, "Stay Away I Hate You, Leave Me Alone." or something along those lines. Terror-ears moved out and next door to his father. Sami tried to get all those people she calls "Family" cos we know she doesn't have many friends. And each of them wrapped in thier own little lives and horribly written storyline...
Then it happened- the technological revelation Days couldn't explain. Suddenly REVENGE, the word was coming from everywhere and with some random voice (and it wasn't Tilly) kept urging Sami to get revenge on others... so what happened? This is what happened...
Some typecast WWE dude came and gave Sami and
Extreme Makever: Change Your Sex Edition and turned her into a man, which really was freakishly scary, he also managed to get her a tummy tuck cos she lost her pregnancy too... His name was Stan. The alter-ego transexual-vestitie version of Sami who was somehow living in Sami's appartment, driving her car, living off her identity in disguise etc. And this all happened in an Episode which is record time for Salem!
Needless to say since the changing of the sexes, Will & Gays (Lucas) have been very quiet, Kate too hasn't had her dose of her Sami verbal outrage.
Worst Mother of the Hoare Awards -
Kate Whorton Roberts Brady Kiriakis Slut
Kate is undeniably the worst mother and most annoying mother ever on Days- she tops Mardevil, which is quite something. Ever since our Kate Whoreton: Condomise Campagin at DOOLA, the Hate for Kate (which ironically rhymes), has only been exceeded time after time. Still despite being 85years old, you gotta give her sylist a raise when she's doesn't look half bad, I wonder what she uses... Well in a business where her face and body sell and brings in the bacon and cow, Kate can't afford to look shabby... Unfortunately some of her fur wearing outfits are less than desirable.
Besides running and ruling her kids lives, in the worst way possible, Kate's a lying manipulative little stich bitch, but we all knew that. Setting Sami up was the ultimate low for Kate, but turning her godaweful, now-sober daughter Willie Weed away when she needed a a pace to stay was vindicitve. Well Karma's a bitch and though in Salem it presents itself in the form of badly written storylines, they Salem saying is true, well the Salem version of the saying,
"The Sins of the Whore mother falls on the hands of the wretched Children" and it's quite true, because Kate and her army of children aren't excatly having the best time. Lets account:
Mother Uterus' Kids in the City
| Lucas Roberts |
Got a child with huge ears suspected for being a terroears. Marriage trouble to Sami, and somehow turned future wife into a man. |
| Billie Reed |
Man trouble, in competition with a Horse for a man named Bo and the Horse (Hope) is winning. Can't find her still born daughter whom she still believes is alive. Pyschologially screwed up with the age of the child. On and Off Lip Job. |
| Rex DiMera-Brady |
Smart but doesn't have a decent job to bring home some serious moolah, engaged /married/dating Cousin It's sister Mimi with bad hair. Not smart enough to realise Mimi's deception and his mother's a slut. |
| Cassie DiMera-Brady |
Trapped somewhere off-camera. Away from civilisation. |
| Phillip Kiriakis |
Went to War, didn't kick ass, got his ass kicked and got kidnapped and held hostage. Born with a Spongebob square head. |
| Other Off-Beat breeds of Kids |
Lying in Orphanages or wherever. Who knows how many other children could rock up and claim to have fallen our the Kate's uterus?! |
*Note: Austin's excluded from this because we like to believe his life away from Kate is Great. (Rhymes again).
Missing From Melaswen-
Where Are They Now?
Don't ask me where they are.. as Karma has it, every episode I watch I some how miss Marlena and them wherever they are being held these days. So I really can't keep up with what's happening there.
Here's the missing and what I know (which aint much):
The Melaswen Bunch
| Marlena |
After spending two years seeing Marlena shoved down our throats with endless 'Doc' scenes, the good old Marlena is taking a all expenses paid holiday in some Castle with First time husband and long time lover, Roman where they sip wine, drink, dream and make out. Fortunately she's enduring the same horrible, hard on the eye fashion as Marlena from Salem... so essentiall nothing's changing with her. |
| Roman |
Same as Marlena... althought I betcha his not thinking of Kate much, probally knows Kate's slept with half of Salem already in his absence. Although his had to endure watching videos of Kate and Jesus together (John). |
| Victor |
Haven't seen old man Kiriakis |
| Caroline |
Haven't seen Caroline Rady aswell! |
| Jack |
Managed to be the smartest of the lot, escaped capitivity, took a ship to Salem where he did the washing, arrived on US Soil, Hitchicked to Salem and within an episode made it home... (See more on Jack Below) |
| Cassie |
Didnt reach a suitable agreement with writers, and unfortunately remains to be unseen. In a year an a half Cassie has been seen twice, briefly. We'd like to think however she's started up her own nightclub table dancing! |
| Abe |
Although Abe doesn't fall into the same boat as the Lost Melasweners, Abe has vanished in plain sight (no pun intended) wit his blindness to some Eye Facility. |
Full Deck-
The King, The Queen and The Jack
Just when you were about to write him off for pretending that Willie Weed was his 'fake' girlfriend, then pretending to be gay as a kind of mockery to Gaydy, then advertising himself for being the Salem Stalker's next victim, Jack does this to redeem himself.
Initially after the Tidal Wave, Jack woke up next to Cassie, something happened that they got seperated and Jack was determined to return home to his sweet Jennifer whose playing house with playboy Patrick Lockheart whose 2005 Resolution for a Clothing Budget has been granted!
Anyways frantically and wittingly Jackie makes his way back to Salem, by offering his maid services on a ship taking him to the US, there he basically spent a few weeks living out every detergent commercials worse nightmare of doing Washing without a Washing Machine!
After arriving back on US soil, fortunately he was able to hitch a lift to Salem which was about 100 miles away (all of this was done between scenes- so kudos to the writers for making it happen quickly!)
Anyways finally he renuites with Jen, but in a twist of tales and a horrible plot move from evil writers who believe in viewer suffering (someone just hand me Minora Blades during Days rather). Jennifer apparently was dubbed with a Female Assasin with a horrible voice, and no she's not Jen's evil twin sporting the same horrible hair, she's a DiMera assasin with a little rubber face mask that makes her look just like Jennifer. Miraculously, when removed, she changes height, hair and the voice all changes.
Turns out Jack's met Jen's imposter so what do you know, Jen and Jack haven't actually reunited. The real Jen spends a few episodes just standing in and around her house thinking she's going crazy hearing Jack and seeing Jack but when the time came for Jack to meet the real Jen (after hitting the imposter down) Jen had already left to Aunt Maggies.
Jen's back hair had a pyschological effect on not her daughter, but her daughters friend too, whatshername (rumoured to be Chelsea) whose trying to seduce Patrick-Hatrick Lockheart and it worked, the two were seeing making out in Salem's dogdy bar... Needless to say the Alcohol consumption and Therapy sessions spiked up at DOOLA after that.
The Bold Lips and the Beautiful Hair-
Billie and Hope do the Bo
After enduring all the stress of Melaswen, Hope Horseface Brady finally returned to her home in Salem and the loss of stress was good for her. Her hair was turning out really great, she was eating, gaining weight and didn't look like the Horse Reaper any more. Unfortunately for Hope, it all didnt last long for her.
Through some stupid files, Willie Weed (Billie Reed) discovers the baby she had in 1999 who was stillborn and died in her arms in the middle of a swamp is alive. God the plotlines are über-crap on this show, why didnt they just add she was married to Bush too while they're at it! Anyways Gulible Willie Weed believes her daughter is indeed alive and kicking and somewhere held captive by the DiMeras.
After giving Hope more wrinkles that Clinique can take care of because she hijacked Bo to come with her to Europe to search for Georgia, Hope is under the impression Billie is trying to come between Bo and her. Is Billie not the daughter of infamous Man Whore Slut Lesbian Prostitute Vindictive Cow Kate Whoreton?! So there's your answer Hope- DAMN RIGHT.
Through a Bar fight and something Legal, Billie is forced to reside with the Brady Bunch (Hope and Bo), just because for the hearing she needed a physical address of location. So tell me where was Billie living before?! This doesn't please Hope, especially after she finds Billie and Bo naked in the shower.
This rehashed 1934 love-triangle storyline is been done so often we could all sleep through the scenes, which is basically what I've been doing. However Bo and Billie are getting closer to the truth about StillBorn while Hope tells Bo his "alive" family needs him, which he ignores.
Preggie Cousin It and the Bad Blockhead Husband-
Those Annoying Salem Teens and thier ongoing dramas.
As much as it hurts my head to type this, due to it being the most irritating storyline, it needs to be told.
So I'm going to make it quick...
Mimi really isnt attractive, she sports horrible hair, but somehow Rex is with her, possibly cos they have more sex than an eTV late night movie... Now it was bound to happen sooner or later, Mimi fall pregnant (where's the Kate Whoreton Condomise Campagin when you need it). But without telling Rex, she aborted the baby.
Several months later for us (a week later in Salem time) she had some problem and now she can't concieve and got scarring on her somethingsomething and we don't really care.
She's hasn't told Rex about the pregnancy and the abortion and when she was about to tell him for the 242th time in reality and dream, Rex proposed.
Belle's shed her goody-goody image got married to Phillip and within a few weeks into thier marriage (Salem Time), she cheats on him with Shawn who all of a sudden loves Belle again. I can't deal with this on and offness... Its rather annoying. They've been contemplating to tell old spongebob blockhead, but Belle wants to wait till Phillip returns before they do.
However Phillip's not returning anytime soon... his been kidnapped by Tony's people and held hostage... now all of a sudden Phillip's a national Hero as his making the Late Night News! Lord!!
Belle is torn between Phillip and Shawn and her guilt is eating her, not only her but her horrible hair she's sporting which seems to be contagious from Mimi. Someone hold her down and Pantene her please.
Rex is lost his sex drive and seems to have forgotten about Cassie. His turning rather gay rambling about Phillip etc. Has he forgotten he used to hate Phillip? Guess blood is thicker than water!
Shawn Dumbass has lef the Jan who isn't taking it easy. She seems to appear in everyones home telling them off and wondering around in the background. Can nobody tell her to leave or lock thier doors?! Anyways Shawn wants Belle back, kicked Jan to the curb (which aint very far 'cos she's back quicker than a bad case of Herepes) and keeps torturing him, trying to get back with him.
One has to wonder with all her money, why doesnt Jan just buy a new man... Shawn clearly isnt worth it, god know what's the obsession...
Drug and the Addict-
John is the Jesus of Salem-suburbia
It was bound to happen, I mean I was surprised it wasn't going to happen earlier... I mean lets sit back and asses his life then see reason why John would be hooked on drugs.
1. His son (Brady) is a dissapointment and so gay he can only sleep with his step-grandma (even tho we love Nikki to bits)
2. His daughter (Belle) has gone from goody-goody Dorothy to slutty-twoshoes-husband-bad hair wearing-skank.
3. His wife (Marlena) was a serial killer, died in his arms. Only to reunite on some island to loose her to a tidal wave and another man.
4. Kate (Slut/Lesbian/Whore/Prostitute) is his new housesitter... now that alone can turn any man to drugs...
Now Stan is trying to get John more hooked after Sami witnessed John injecting himself, and Stan's plan seems to be taking effect until Gaydy walked in on the two of them recently.
Nicole is playing Mother Thereas (with her Martini stash) and actually caring about John and Kate, both whom she despises, I dont know what they doing to our beloved Nicole. If anything she should get Henderson (what's he up to nowdays?) and get him to give John a good shave!
Phantom of the Horrid Girl-
Chloe's Back!
Yes you knew it, this storyline's been going on for moths... but tonight, if the Previews are anything to go with (which it hardly is); Nicole will run into Ghoulsihly looking Chloe who looks like she's been dressed as The Source of all Evil... Horrid I know.
I noticed however that under all those bandages some how she had eyeliner, make up and lipstick on... they do that in hospitals now days?
The Sand In The Hourglass Just Don't Stop Running-
10,000 Episodes later and still it's not cancelled!
I can't remember if it was 100,000 episodes or 10,000 episodes, but a month or so ago (CAT). One wonders how the show lasted so long despite its ridiculous storyline, but it did.
Good Ol' Mrs. H was there to give an Intro and Ending speech with some jingles from the Days sound teams as she spoke about the show and we got some vintage flashbacks to the first episode when Mrs. H was 60 and young.
The episode failed to feature everyone was like a normal episode with Mrs. H in it that it. One has to wonder how the show's lasted to so long without being cancelled? Is James Reilley blackmailing NBC?! Ken Corday locked all the actors and actresses into contracts that they can't leave this show after acting out its ridicule?!
Anyways in the words of Mrs. H, or roughly what she said, "Stick around for the next 10,000/100,000 episodes to find out..."
- Will Stanmi's plan work and will she get revenge on everyone, will she call back the Makeover man to do a makeover on Will?
- WIll Marlena and Roman confess thier dying love and just live out thier Happily Ever after.
- Will John continue using drugs just to deal with the day to day of seeing Kate?
- Will Chloe's face ever heal and will her breasts ever reduce?
- Will Nicole return to her drinking bitchy ways instead of falling all over gaydy?
- WIll Hope continue eating and using her shampoo while watching Wille Weed steal her man?
- Will Kate get an STD or three and die?
- Will Lucas fall for Stan?
- Will Belle borrow Lucas' GHD Hair Iron?
- Will Mimi loose weight and get a hairstyle?
- Will Rex use his intellegence to find Cassie?
- Will Spongebob die in the army?
- Will Jan kill Measels?
- Will Bo realise his hair is longer than Billie's?
- Will Jack and Jennifer reunite?
- Will Patrick and Hope get it on?
- Will Chelsea find Bo and Billie?
- Will Cricket keep interupting the schedule?
- Will these questions ever get answered before the next 10,000 episodes?
Keep watching (every now and then- to keep your sanity).
Days of our Lives
Mondays - Friday
16h50, SABC3
13h00, SABC 2