Tuedays are a bit dead for me now that Survivor is finished and some boring Amazing Race ripoff has taken its place, so I thought why not do an America’s Next Top Model recap instead. I guess I miss recapping way too much. Or I’m a sucker for punishment. Either way, enjoy this retelling of the sad, sad tale of Michelle’s facerot.
Observant viewers willing to stare into her face for longer than a few seconds may have noticed some ugly red spots on Michelle’s mug in the last episode. For those of you who were unwilling to look for too long for fear of turning to stone, Michelle has ugly red thingies on her face. Her already tenuous self-esteem plummeted from -62 to -457.
Michelle's self-image pre-gross-face-disease
Michelle's self image post-gross-face-diseaseNoelle was doomed from the start, as evidenced by her sudden increase in airtime devoted to talking about her
lupus blindness son. She can be easily ignored as the extent of her dialogue consisted of her saying “My son, my son, can I tell you about my son?” over and over while nostalgic music played.
The first challenge was to not fall asleep in a lecture hosted by an old man. Except I’d recognise that annoying voice anywhere. It’s Jay Manuel in disguise! Jay revealed his Jay-ness and talked about the wonders of make-up and its allegedly miraculous properties of transformation. Honey, all the MAC in the world won’t turn these girls into real models.
Jay Manuel, master of disguiseBecause ANTM is all about lessons, Kahlen revealed the moral of the episode: “This task showed Michelle that she can look beautiful even with scabies on her face.” Way to look at the bright side, Kahlen. Let’s see if you still feel that way when your face breaks out in sores.
Tiffany and Lluvy got the unenviable task of doing Michelle’s make-up. Hey, you hold a girl’s hair back while she vomits, you earn the right to have her touch your skeevy face without complaint, right, Tiff?
Michelle moaned about how useless she was at putting on make-up and that her face was falling off. She cried about how she felt so ugly all her life and now she was around all these pretty girls and suffering from a facial disease as well. Aw, now I feel kinda bad for calling her a man. If it’s any consolation, Michelle, I think the other girls as just as fugly as you.
On their return home, Tyra came round for a one-on-one with the girls. Boo hiss! If we wanted to watch the Tyra Banks Show, we would. Give us more faces falling off, show! Tiffany revealed she often felt insecure on the show with all the big words flying around. I can see how she would feel that way in the intellectual hotbed that is America’s Next Top Model.
Noelle talked about her
daughter pet rock son. Tatiana revealed that she was a homeless moocher who lives on her friends’ sofas and that her no-good sister kicked her out of her house and stole her money. Yeah yeah, file it next to the thirty other hard-luck stories these models got going on this season. Tyra took one look at Michelle’s face and advised her to see a paper bag-manufacturer. Well, actually she said dermatologist.
Poor Michelle's facial infection only got worse as the episode progressedThe next challenge was to put on some make-up and look Haute Couture. No-one knew what the hell Haute Couture was. Come on, even I know that. It’s ugly except the kind of ugly you pay a fortune for. Naima was the only one who did a decent job and she won a unique handbag.
Actual example of haute coutureTime for these ETs to phone home. Noelle phoned her mom (but wither thy son, Noelle?) and Mama said she’d heard about a deadly flesh-eating disease on the news. Psycho-esque music played as the realization that she was living with Typhoid Mary herself hit Noelle.
Oh dear. Time to put the fear into...uh, fierce. Damn, that doesn’t work so well written down.
Noelle informed the rest of the household that Michelle was a walking case of the Plague. Cue the mass hysteria. Everyone freaked out about the fact that Michelle had gotten her flesh-eating cooties all over everything. Lluvy fidgeted like she could already feel the pestilence consuming her flesh.
The girls all rushed to the phone to call their families and confirm that yes, there was a flesh-eating disease outbreak in the city. They then freaked out even more when they realised that Michelle’s flesh-eating cooties were all over the phone. Where’s the bleach when you need it?
Tiffany’s grandma summed up the whole ridiculous situation best: “You all need to get a life. Read a book or something.” Tiffany’s grandma for president!
Somehow no-one dropped dead or lost an ear or anything before the photoshoot. The schmodels were made up to look like different ethnicities and had to pose while holding a child. But…Michelle’s got flesh-eating bacteria! Won’t someone please think of the children?
The schmodels struggled with the kids and complained about how heavy they were. America’s Next Top Model: Where even children get guff for being too fat.
Michelle was sent off to a doctor (finally!) who diagnosed her terrible, rare, deadly disease. Was it leprosy? Ebola? Lupus? No, it was something called impetigo which could be easily treated with antibiotics and didn’t result in death. Phooey. What a letdown. I demand a second opinion!
On her return, she was given a doll so as not to spread her infection to the poor kiddies. The other schmodels grumbled about how unfair this was. “Her face is falling off,” the make-up artist reminded Tiffany who replied with “She can stick it back on,” proving that she is almost as wise as her grandma.
The sad thing is that Michelle’s doll has more model potential than all of these girls combined.Judgement Time. First the models had to apply nighttime make-up without the use of mirrors. The results ranged from Thai prostitute to time-traveller from the 70s. Jay Manuel really is a great teacher, isn't he?
Brittany's make-up jobThe photos were pretty decent and no-one managed to look like a dead fish. Michelle sadly told the judges her story of woe and facial deformity and inspirational music started playing as Janice Dickinson revealed her own uplifting tale of overcoming the odds. Once, she woke up with a sty in her eye but she toiled onwards and managed to look fierce in her photoshoot anyway.
Brilliant. Between this and the mass hysteria, I couldn’t stop laughing.
Michelle, Lluvy and Noelle were the bottom three. I would’ve picked Christina myself on account of her wanting to eat my brain in all of her pictures.
Can't sleep...Cristina will eat meMichelle was given a reprieve because sending a girl home after she contracts a gross skin condition is a little tough even for this show. Much to my infinite relief, Lluvy was saved to swim another day and Noelle was sent to go home to her
pet poodle son.