There were no epidemics this week on America’s Next Top Model unless you count the epidemic of stupidity we see every week. Given the medical all-clear last week, Michelle was embraced by her housemates with open arms now that there was no longer a chance their faces would melt if they got too close.
Lluvy, when told the good news, asked her if she was happy with the news. No, I’m sure she was hoping it was leprosy so she could enjoy this summer’s range of fashionable masks and paper bags. Michelle was very happy because the spots would get better in a few days. Pity the same can’t be said for the rest of her face.
I could practically see the hook in Lluvy as she interviewed about how she was sick of being in the bottom and was going to have to pull something really special to avoid elimination. But then again, I thought the same thing about Ann week after week and she managed to coast on a single dead facial expression. Would Lluvy’s dead fish face be the next heroin chic?
The schmodels head to Bankable productions and were met by a middle-aged black man in a suit. Ooh, is that you, Jay Manuel? Another clever disguise? Alas, the man did not pull off his face Mission Impossible style to reveal Jay, Miss J or even Janice herself under the make-up.
What he did do was get them to sign away their souls to Tyra Banks. The she-devil herself appeared from behind a desk to laugh at her new slaves’ foolishness. She brought out her business manager, and yes, it was her much-mentioned mom. She should just have her mom host the show if she’s that obsessed with her. The contract-giver was introduced as her dad aka the afterthought in the family. Poor Tyra’s dad. He’s so the other guy in Wham to Mama Tyra’s George Michael.
Tyra's dad: The Jan Brady of the Banks family
Tyra-fer berated them on signing things without reading them first and gave them a boring lecture about the business side of modeling. The only business I want to see on ANTM is some silly schmodel flashing her business in a variety of embarrassing situations. Luckily, that came later.
Drunken revelry time! The schmodels were taken to a fancy restaurant which may or may not have been the same one Tiffany threw up in. I hope they managed to get the smell out. Tiffany must’ve learned her lesson for she was suitably well-behaved.
Thankfully, Janice the fabulous Brittany was more than happy to pick up the slack. Soon she was dancing barefoot (puke and foot smell? This restaurant is never going to get clientele ever again) on the table which scandalised the likes of Kahlen and Rebecca. This would never be allowed at the country club!
The other girls could not believe how crass Brittany had been. To paraphrase the great Winston Churchill, “Bitch, tomorrow I’ll be sober but you’ll still be ugly.”
On the drive home, Brittany pulled a…well, Britney. She flashed her goodies, first accidentally and then on purpose as she shoved her booty out the window. It’s a full moon! Or a half-moon in the case of skinny chicks with no ass, I guess.
The only disappointment? No beers were poured on any weaves. Maybe next time, Brit.
The next morning was heralded by an earthquake. No, my mistake, it was just Brittany’s snoring.
Perhaps driven mad by that snoring, or possibly suffering a little hangover of her own, Lluvy was having a particularly emotional morning. You may think that she was overreacting but imagine how bad it must be to realise the transvestite with the skin disease is a better model than you.
Time for another night out! But the little black dresses the schmodels wore made it obvious that this was a classy affair so there would be no dancing on the table. Maybe just crawling across the table and growling like a tiger.
What the models didn’t know was that it was a test and that the partygoers were all important industry types they had to impress. They should release a Jay Manuel doll which says “What the models don’t know” when you pull a string. He really likes to say it.
The schmodels turned on their charm, such that they possessed. Brittany was vivacious, talked about drinking but didn’t flash anyone. Cristina literally forgot the face of a Covergirl model she had just met moments before. Tatiana talked about her love of “Ellie” magazine to its editor. Michelle had no confidence and was dressed like a tranny hooker.
The industry bigwigs were not impressed when Michelle urged them to do the Timewarp
Jay announced that the winner was Keenyah for being poised and managing to not make a complete fool of herself. She picked Brittany to go on the reward with her. Funny, I would never have pegged those two as best friends. They’re just so different. Maybe Brittany can help bring out Keenyah’s inner drunken fool.
Keenyah and Brittany got to sleep in a fancy hotel room and dine on all sorts of yummy goodies like cheese and chocolate. I’m sure they treated themselves to as much as one bite each. They also won the right to be fashionably late to the next day’s photoshoot. Either they actually managed to be well-behaved or they’re saving Brittany and Tiffany’s drunken night for the uncut DVD.
Early next morning, the schmodels were taken to a petrol station out in the desert. Ooh, were they going to make them re-enact the gas fight from Zoolander?
Yay! Best photoshoot ever!
Not so much. Instead, they were going to be artfully-smeared with motor oil and hosed down with water. They could’ve had the wet T-shirt/sexy mechanic photoshoot any season and they choose to have it in the Season of the Fug? Stupid show.
Lluvy graced us with a modification of her dead fish look called the porn fish look. Jay euphemistically called it “interesting”. So gone. Brittany was in her element, possibly because the shoot looked like something out of Maxim. Most shockingly of all, Cristina managed to not look like an alien and forced her eyeballs down to normal size.
I know Transformers came out a few years after this season of ANTM but Brittany was totally psychically channellng this chick
Arts-and-crafts time. I mean judgement time. The judges were in character as funnily-accented judges from around the world. Janice was the Nanny, Nole was Pepe Le Pew, Nigel was Nigel, guest judge was Igor and Tyra was Foghorn Leghorn.
The girls had to create and sell their own fragrance. Is this all part of Tyra’s business plan? Can we look forward to seeing “Fierce by Tyra Banks” at the cosmetics counter of Edgars?
Ack! A fragrance by that name already exists! But whose pecs are those on the bottle? Nigel's? Jay's? Michelle's?
The schmodels then gave uninspiring sales pitches. Cristina cried. She’s human! Michelle was unable to even pronounce the word “feminine”. That says it all, doesn’t it? Brittany danced like a crazy person and I loved her for it. I hope more of Janice’s illegitimate children apply for future seasons.
The perfume was supposed to represent them. Based on their perfumes, Tatiana is “not expensive” (cheap!), Rebecca is a fruit, Lluvy looks good only when viewed from certain angles and Brittany is deliciously tacky. Sounds about right.
The photos were all pretty good. Or maybe the clingy, wet clothes are clouding my judgement. The judges thought Cristina was channelling Lynda Carter (as opposed to channelling Linda Blair, like she usually does).
Rebecca was criticised for still being Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm in her photos. More like Rebecca of Sluttybrook Farm. Tiffany was called out for looking stripperish in her photos. Geez, do you want Stripper or Sunnybrook, guys? Make up your minds.
Oh yeah, and best of all, when Naima was criticised for needing to lose weight, Janice graced us with this gem: “They're all fat. The entire room is fat. I'm fat. You're all fat.” The modeling industry in a nutshell, aint it?
I happen to think Lluvy looks good in her photoshoot.
Lluvy and Rebecca were the unlucky bottom two. You can guess how this went. Lluvy was cut and it looks like dead fish chic will not be sweeping the runways. Awwww. No denying she was the weakest but I really did like Lluvy. I’ll miss my little guppy.