After last week’s Tyrannical behaviour from Ms Tyra, the contestants were on edge. They gathered around a table and discussed how scared they were when Tyra went off on Tiffany and whether it was possible for one of them to sneak out and buy some pepper spray or a baseball bat for self-protection.
Before they could stop by a security shop and stock up on tranq guns, in walked the Tyra-nator herself. The girls nervously eyed the exits and tried to look calm as Tyra talked about what had happened with Tiffany. She explained that the only reason she had gone off on Tiff was because they were all rooting for her and that as a young ‘un in Paris, Tyra herself had felt insecure but she had come through it. She even managed to insert the obligatory mama mention.
When Tyra’s magical and perfect mother was invoked, the schmodels all relaxed. Yay, everyone’s happy again! Ice cream’s on me! And you know it’ll be cheap as hell too because these skinnies aint touching it.
The Tiffany incident behind them, some of the girls set to work taking over the empty bedroom. Tatiana glowered and whined about how she was not well-liked among the girls. And really, how sucky do you have to be to be disliked in a group that’s embraced a glass-thrower with anger management problems and a contagious she-male?
The schmodels got a Tyra-mail asking them if they’d ever had any encounters with extra-terrestrials. Are you kidding? These girls are extra-terrestrials. Just check this out:
Hey, at least they pronounced extra-terrestrial right. Mostly.
Turns out extra-terrestrial was a clever pun (well, clever for the Tyra-mail writers) as they went to see some chick from Entertainment Tonight aka ET. They had to interview each other in preparation for the many, many hosting jobs that will doubtlessly be coming their way after everyone watched them murder the word “magenta”.
Kahlen was confident because she likes to interview the cows back at Hickville. Remember how Michelle was confident about her acting experience? Same deal with Kahlen’s supposed interview experience. Christina and Tatiana managed to have an interview consisting solely of the word “actually”. Michelle was a decent interview subject but the real interesting thing about her was that she was wearing an “I’m with stupid” shirt that managed to be truthful no matter which girl she was sitting next to.
Some chick from ET critiqued their interview techniques (secretly reveling in the fact that these girls make annoying entertainment show hosts like her look competent) and sent them on their way.
They all went off to party at some club and a newly confident Michelle started bumping and grinding against any available man. Eeep! Was this the gay part of Hollywood? The cameras cut away before we could see Michelle’s dance partners inviting her to the fabulous drag queen float at Pride.
The next day, Kahlen got sad news. An old friend had passed away. Awww, poor girl. Kahlen wept and I nervously wondered whether Tyra and her mother were about to pop out of the woodwork to exploit her tragedy for their weekly Very Special Tyra Moment. Thankfully, they showed some class. At least until the photoshoot…
But before the dreaded photoshoot of terrible timing, another Tyra-mail told the girls to be ready at the crack of dawn for another interview. “What’s the crack of dawn?” someone wondered and everyone looked vaguely confused. Oy. It’s times like these I long for the intelligence of freakin’ Norelle.
Some chick from ET took them each to a room where a mystery guest was waiting to be interviewed. It was rapper and actress Eve, star of the creatively titled show “Eve”. Brittany was starstruck and could barely get any words out in the face of her Eve-liness. Kahlen could barely concentrate because she was thinking about her tragedy. The other girls weren’t much better, except for Tatiana and Christina, who managed to keep the “actuallys” down to a minimum. Christina won and got to have her interview aired for reals on Entertainment Tonight.
Clip of Christina's appearance on Entertainment TonightBack at Models Inc, Keenyah complained about the house being messy to Tatiana, who couldn’t be bothered. Ooh, better not make any brownies, Tats. Tatiana escaped to cry over the phone to her boyfriend about how no-one liked her. Has there ever been a single episode where a contestants who’s cried over the phone to her boyfriend hasn’t been sent home? Pack your bags, Tatiana, you’re outta there.
Time for Kahlen’s very bad, no-good day, otherwise known as the photoshoot. The sadist producers came up with a shoot where the models had to pose in an actual grave dressed as the seven deadly sins. Eeeevil. Couldn’t some producer have rescheduled this? Heck, this is ANTM. The producers probably came up with this idea at the last minute as soon as they heard about Kahlen’s friend.
Kahlen paled and wept. Christina showed warmth (!) and comforted her for the rest of the episode. Maybe her freaky mind control rays have taken over my brain but I’m actually starting to warm to ol’ Christina.
The girls were made up to look like the dead. They already look like they crawled out of a hole in the ground so it wasn’t hard. Michelle was made-up to look even more pale and terrifying than she already is and given the role of Pride. Someone on the production staff has a sense of humour. She was described as always being cocky at photoshoots. Cocky? Na, too easy. Her version of pride was to make deranged faces at the camera and Jay said she looked like a drag queen of the dead. Hey, he said it, not me.
Why oh why did I already waste my Rocky Horror Picture Show joke?Keenyah had to act as Gluttony and was lowered into a grave full of like bacon and doughnuts and stuff. Ew. Way to desecrate the yummy goodness of bacon. Keenyah tried to look sexily gluttonous but hammed it up too much. Hee hee, “ham”. I should be a Tyra-mail writer.
I bet Toccara would have rocked this shoot. Sure, she would have taken the contents of the grave home with her but she would have rocked the shoot.Christina was asked to portray Lust. Jay tried to bring this out in her by asking her to pretend she was a cheap whore. No, really. A ten-dollar whore from the grave. Don’t you just love how most of these supposed “high fashion” shoots end up with Jay asking the models to unleash their inner ten-dollar hooker?
Tatiana had to play Greed and was as useless at this one as she was at every other photoshoot. Funny thing, really. You’d think she’d be able to pull the grave photoshoot off owing to her resemblance to Pugsley Addams.
A numb Kahlen came last and had to play Wrath. Whaddya know, she pulled it off. She channeled all her emotion into her acting and made some awesome scary rage faces. Yay, K! You were fierce in every sense of the word.
You know the Tyra photo they always show at the start of each judging session? This episode featured Tyra as Satan, looking cruel and evil. As if we weren’t scared enough of her after last week’s ragefest.
The schmodels pretended to advertise their new clothing line and were asked questions based on gossip (some true, some not) by the judges. Was Michelle’s line marketed towards hetero-, homo- or bisexuals? Michelle answered “everyone” instead of the real answer – transsexuals. Was Tatiana dating some old guy? No, they were just friends, she answered boringly.
How did Christina’s irritable bowel syndrome affect her clothing line and would she be marketing a line of ANTM nappies? I can’t remember what the hell she answered but I do wonder if the IBS is real gossip or fake. Is that why Christina looks the way she does? Chronic constipation?
Oh yeah, Christina was also told to hump a pole. Ooh, she’s been upgraded from ten-dollar whore to stripper.
Bottom two were Tatiana and Michelle. I cannot believe the double-elimination was last week. Dammit. They were given the same critique – that they were both beautiful girls (ack!) and that they took some beautiful pictures (ack some more!) but that they can’t speak for crap. Michelle was deemed to have more potential than Tatiana, much like a stripper had more potential than a ten-dollar whore. I just can’t believe that either of these two lasted longer than Rebecca.
Be sure to catch the show next week when the schmodels come to SA. Ooh, about time we got a visit from Tyra and co.