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Kuse Jozi la....

Written by Earth from the blog Planet Earth on 25 Jan 2008
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I finally decided to move to Gauteng,but everything is soooo strange(for lack of a better word).I've been living here for 3 whole weeks now,and people here seem to to just explain all these strange ,new things by saying" no man,kuse Jozi la!!!."I honestly do not get it!

People zap you for actually obeying traffic laws(haaa haaa)

Its normal for people to just swear at the cops,I mean where I come from people respect the cops.

All my mkhayas are speaking zulu now,I was shocked when I came across a guy from back home,morolong  tota.He greeted me in zulu(sa setswana),and I was shocked,all I could do was wave right back...

Your home language matters,a lot.From my observation,people speak to each other in a certain way if they speak a certain language.

The wig is big in Jozi(Oh my word!!!)I have certainly seen them all,even ones that look like a nest that someone dyed black!!

Getting robbed of your cellphone is some people's daily bread,people look at you funny when I say I've never been robbed,let alone at gun point.

The traffic is a nightmare!!I swear if someone had told me about the traffic 4 weeks ago,I would not have believed them.I probably would have said something like:"tse tsa Jozi di rata  maaka man!!

The only explanation that anyone can give is:
"Kuse Jozi lana!!!!!!

I'm slowly getting the hang of how things work mo planet Jozi,who knows maybe my next article will be in pure zulu!!!!!

Enjoy,

PS:any advice on how to survive planet Jozi will be highly appreciated!!




86 Comments

KeleFabulous
25 Jan 2008 05:50

i can relate to just about all you've said, except this:

Getting robbed of your cellphone is some people's daily bread,people look at you funny when I say I've never been robbed,let alone at gun point.

haaikhona! that means you're living in another part of jozi...one i've never been to, if that's the case!

belz
25 Jan 2008 06:02

LOL Earth, kuseJozi lana, i hear that word almost everyday of my life,  i absolutely understand how you feel kodwa ma ufuna ukuphila smooth lana you better get the hang of it pretty quickly.

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 06:02

Mogaetsho,welcome to the city that never sleeps...

It gets easier over time.Just dont do everything Jozites do,it might get you into trouble.

My first experience here was so horrible,I still wake up sweaty and sobbing everytime I talk about it,and it involved a taxi driver and the marshals......

Good luck surviving

Jordan
25 Jan 2008 06:03

Welcome to Jozi “Dikereseng” lovie – the capital of all things interesting (for lack of a better word). Wena just make sure gore if you don’t have a car, you always have enough money for a maxi taxi cos it’s temptations galore mo and you might find yourself stranded.

Oh and SeZulu is a survival tool, so don’t judge the Morolong dude, learn from him... Have fun!!!

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 06:05

Oh yah,just dont get me started on wigs....The most scandalous thing since gals showing us di-undies in public.

Isnt there supposed to be ANY law against such eyesores??????

belz
25 Jan 2008 06:11

LOL Lepogo, law against wigs, hihihihi. if you using public transport, make sure you ask the people inside the taxi where its going, you might yourself in Randburg when you actually going to Alexandra.

KeleFabulous
25 Jan 2008 06:12

My first experience here was so horrible,I still wake up sweaty and sobbing everytime I talk about it,and it involved a taxi driver and the marshals...... 


tl tl tl tl tl tl

and don't start with wigs wena lepogo

Earth
25 Jan 2008 06:22

@kelefab.lucky for me someone warned me about di taxi.LOL ga ise ke experience mathatanyana ao!!!!Shame

I say we should start lekoko le le bidiwang L.A.S.W...Ladies Against Shady Wigs

spice
25 Jan 2008 06:23

LMAO this is funny lol Lepogo and Jordan you always manage to crack me up

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 06:23

Ao kelefab bathong!!!!But shim started it!!!

I couldnt access a blog on wigs last week so Im not about to hijack this one,but I have to unload and unpack the irritation that overwhelms me everytime I see such horrible crap adorning a sisters head.Daaaaaaaamn.

Granted,some are nice(kelefab),but it is impossible to ignore the rest of them dodgy and scandalous ones.Daaaaaaaaaaamn

myname
25 Jan 2008 06:25

LOL lepogo. Thanks Earth During my holiday ngoDec i met this guy ePub we were on the line (queu) (spelling tu) buying booze.We were chatting about everything since the line was long. He told mi his name i think wathi nguMasixole then i assume he is Xhosa bt Gues which language was speaking isiZulu then when i ask him why are do doing this bcoz sisekhaya sana & his answer was "I cant speak Xhosa properly bcoz i ve been in Jozi for 7 years" & i was like WTF bcoz nami i think its gonna be my 7th year. Yhazi i didnt even bought utywala bcoz abantu babesijongile & he was so loud & wandenzela intloni sana........ Hee abantu aba-archivile hayi sana

KeleFabulous
25 Jan 2008 06:28

eish my experience with taxi drivers has been tainted i tell u. if they want, they can be very nice. and i have no problem with someone making conversation if ever i'm sitting in front. now for some reason this guy thot me and him were an item (don't know how that happened). all i know is one time we were just talking and he started kissing me (yuck and he's got bad breath!). he started saying silly stupid things like "i wanna make love to you" i thot WTF bo ratekisi ba bua so? yho i was traumatised because he wouldn't listen when i kept on saying no. somehow he got to his senses and let me go. i'll neva eva forget that day! but i'm glad that i still cont to converse with those that strike up a conversation, that i don't hold what he did against all of them...

myname
25 Jan 2008 06:30

so plz dont 4get your language xa usekhaya nhe Earth maar ungakhuluma apha eJozi

KeleFabulous
25 Jan 2008 06:32

LOL @ myname. mina i can use that excuse because i have neva been able to speak setswana properly. i was born and bred here.

haai Earth o thswanetse o xave xave ha ole mo. walk with confidence. if u don't they'll smell your nervousness 10 blocks away. o etse okare kgale ogata mo. and ask your friends to show u around. take you out during the day and night. my best advice is get to know the cbd first. i promise u once you've passed that test u will neva have a problem getting around

spice
25 Jan 2008 06:40

and remember you can get almost everything you need ko strateng designer labels,  imports etc and go nale what we call disGodi (shaddy looking shops) you can also get all the staff you need at a very reasonable price : )

myname
25 Jan 2008 06:45

I guess u r a woman bt dont act strange if uqomile iboyfreind kuba men also wear G-strings here & they do relax hair like Spikiri & babophe amaphondo (Amancanca) ayi 2 like those kids ze Dark'n Lovely

belz
25 Jan 2008 06:46

and there is a shopping mall koJeppe street in town where you get 2 jeans for R40.00

Earth
25 Jan 2008 06:54

and there is a shopping mall koJeppe street in town where you get 2 jeans for R40.00


Haaaaa o maaka???????

KeleFabulous
25 Jan 2008 06:56

haai belz u lie!

spice
25 Jan 2008 06:56

yeah and do even bother to  search for a proffessional hair salon makwerekwere are all over the sreets and they do hair way better than salons

NTWANA
25 Jan 2008 07:00

Belz R40 for two hi hi hi

myname
25 Jan 2008 07:01

serious Belz im going there 2morrow LOL. ....Okey u can b a celebrity if u can steal ubabaMotsepe for mi nhe then we can share i-moola. Or do like Uyanda Mbuli (the socialite, businesswoman)............................( oh dont sue mi girl bcoz i dont have nothing Im poor)

belz
25 Jan 2008 07:01

Earth & Kele , strue bob, its not a mall though hihihi, that whole street (Jeppe) has got cheap stuff, my friend bought a mink coat for about R60. there's lots of competition on that street, so if i say "i jean lana ngoR30 kuphela" then Kele who's selling next time will say" ngizok'cheapesela my sista 2 for R40,00," im serious guys, if the rand is low i suggest you go there for you winter shoping, with R150, you'll be carrying lots of bags, honestly.

belz
25 Jan 2008 07:03

oops, meant to say who selling next to me.

lilmama
25 Jan 2008 07:03

welcome to Jozi Earth...I know just how you feel....give it another 3 year to that 3 weeks and you'll be fine and you'll eb the one othi kuse Jozi lana

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 07:03

Spice!!!!!!!Be nice,man.Ere sorry,toe??????

Belz,somehow I believe,you always look nice in those jean;)

spice
25 Jan 2008 07:05

sorry : )

belz
25 Jan 2008 07:05

Thanks Lepogo, im glad you notice,hihihi.

awelani
25 Jan 2008 07:10

Belz, what's the name of the name of the shop??? maybe i must pay them a visit.

@Earth.....welcome 2 JawZee.

Porche
25 Jan 2008 07:11

tjo tjo spice.

spice
25 Jan 2008 07:13

WHAT?

Zee Babes!
25 Jan 2008 07:15

@ Belz - Girl you`re rite, with Jeppe and Small St  you can neva go wrong...its our minnie Milan.     tl tl tl

myname
25 Jan 2008 07:16

hee guys is it a style 2 call some1 u just met Chomi? Hi Chomi yam

Earth
25 Jan 2008 07:18

@ spice..think it,just don't say it!!!!its not nice ,naughty naughty spice

KeleFabulous
25 Jan 2008 07:18

don't forget ma claimer. they'll promise u the sky and the moon when they don't even have darkness themselves!

Porche
25 Jan 2008 07:20

jst saw yo apology after my reply.

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 07:22

*thinking loudly to self* This is what happens when you the only guy without ANY work to do,cos you gonna end up discussing bargains le dikoti ja mo seberege.....

Mental note:stay away till someone realises that Bafana Bafana are our new heroes after JZ and his about-to-be-here-kingdom

tshepiso
25 Jan 2008 07:25

@ Earth is jy 'n plaas jappie in Jozi?and o tswa lefatshe kae sweety?

spice
25 Jan 2008 07:25

Haaaaaaaaa Lepogo

spice
25 Jan 2008 07:28

Hi tshepiso o skaars these dayz or maybe ke load shedding??????

Earth
25 Jan 2008 07:31

@ lepogo
 haaaa ya neeee...

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 07:34

@Lefatshe,
Ke tlareng tlhee motho?

Ke tlabe ke borege go fetelela ke be ke bue diphirimisi..

belz
25 Jan 2008 07:36

Thanks Zeebabes, the way everyone was surprised i almost thot i was lying, but i aint. Millan indeed.

spice
25 Jan 2008 07:39

Belzito LOL 

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 07:39

Isnt Milan a BIT far fetched?More like CHINA????

TheLady
25 Jan 2008 07:41

yo uDolly unyukile...I've been for 4 months nami, you'll be fine-take it one day at a time.

tshepiso
25 Jan 2008 07:42

@ Spice, ke motlakase wa teng o nfitisa ka ditaba, eish I wish I can get a man from USA a nnyale tlhe. ke lapisitswe ke diplase tse tsa SA.

Matlhoadibona
25 Jan 2008 07:50

Ntate, for some reason even me before i come here, when people use to tell me about this city it was like a story. Until i got a job here and i'm telling you, it was amazing when i saw how things operate around here. 

The place that never sleeps, the place where you pay with your life for someone to get a loaf of bread at the end of the day etc. K a Sesotho hothwe "Ho tsamaya ke hobona".

Zee Babes!
25 Jan 2008 07:52

@ lepogo China or Milan - the point is dat its just way too affordable.

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 07:55

@Zee,
There we

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 07:55

@Zee,
There we go

Miss K
25 Jan 2008 08:07

Welcome Earth, i've been here for a year now and believe me there are still things that make me go WTF???

The only advice i can give u is this: Here Taxi drivers are respected even if they are wrong (which is like 99% of the tym). Do NOT, I repeat DO NOTquestion his decisions and do not comment about his driving. I learnt this the hard way so take my advice! 
If u own a car drive like them or your car will be at the panel beaters within a month. 

All the best, and after a while it will soon feel like home! Or not!

tshepiso
25 Jan 2008 08:12

Ntate, for some reason even me before i come here, when people use to tell me about this city it was like a story. Until i got a job here and i'm telling you, it was amazing when i saw how things operate around here.

The place that never sleeps, the place where you pay with your life for someone to get a loaf of bread at the end of the day etc. K a Sesotho hothwe "Ho tsamaya ke hobona".
ha ha ha ha leina le tle le be seromo. ke sure o batla go le chager to Kedibone or u wait until u reach 50yrs hi hi hi


Zee Babes!
25 Jan 2008 08:22

@ Earth - Hang in there, the streetlights,  traffic lights and ada stuff will make sense in no time, just hang in there.  I was also lyk WTF @ 1st bt got used to it.

@ lepogo - Askies

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 08:25

@Zee,

Load shedding,man...SCREAMING

belz
25 Jan 2008 08:29

No matter how irritating this load shedding is, i actually find that it helps me lie when im not up to date with my job, jsut now i got out of a tight situation by saying icouldnt do anything coz of the power, oh but i still scream when the power goes off, it will take time before i get used to it.

myname
25 Jan 2008 08:30

guys bye & have a great & blessed weekend mncwaa nhe

Zee Babes!
25 Jan 2008 08:36

@lepogo - load shedding what? in your area?

maphili
25 Jan 2008 08:52

well belz u beta get used to this load shedding thing i havent experienced it yet am sure i will also scream.

have a nice weekend everyone

Zee Babes!
25 Jan 2008 08:56

@ Maphili - uphuma kuphi siye khona, you havent experienced load shedding?  Aint you d lucky one.

lepogo
25 Jan 2008 08:56

@Zee,
Yep!!!

Im gonna love this shedding!!!Can you imagine if it happens every 3rd day????
Pity laptops got batteries...

Zee Babes!
25 Jan 2008 08:59

I have fallen deeply in love with load shedding @ least i can take a nap @ work officially so - hurray.

Segololo
25 Jan 2008 09:04

o amogeselegile, Earth... Le nna ruri ga ke tlhaloganye gore goreng Jozi batha ba e etsa lefatshe le leng... Ke tlhoile Gauteng ka pelo ya me yotlhe mme fela go dira madi ke tlhoka go nna fo teng...

O tla tlwaela e se kgale, Ke rapela fela gore ga o berekise di-taxi! Shu! Nna ga ke bue, utlwe kgotsa bale SeZulu kgotsa SeXhosa. ga nkitla ke kgona. Ga MoZulu a ka bua le nna ka Setswana gongwe, ene ke gongwe o mokima, ke tla leka... Ga ke tlo itshokodisa fo batho ba bang mare bona ba sa itshwenye go itshokodisa ka puo ya me...

Go tla loke, Earth! Tshwarella fela go tla loka... Ba re ke mo Gauteng maboneng mo!

Segololo
25 Jan 2008 09:04

o amogeselegile, Earth... Le nna ruri ga ke tlhaloganye gore goreng Jozi batho ba e etsa lefatshe le leng... Ke tlhoile Gauteng ka pelo ya me yotlhe mme fela go dira madi ke tlhoka go nna fo teng...

O tla tlwaela e se kgale, Ke rapela fela gore ga o berekise di-taxi! Shu! Nna ga ke bue, utlwe kgotsa bale SeZulu kgotsa SeXhosa. ga nkitla ke kgona. Ga MoZulu a ka bua le nna ka Setswana gongwe, ene ke gongwe o mokima, ke tla leka... Ga ke tlo itshokodisa fo batho ba bang mare bona ba sa itshwenye go itshokodisa ka puo ya me...

Go tla loke, Earth! Tshwarella fela go tla loka... Ba re ke mo Gauteng maboneng mo!

Zee Babes!
25 Jan 2008 09:36

@ Segololo - Jah ne its true other people dont even want to try learning others peeps language - its dump...If obatla go re ke bue le wena siXhosa kunyanzelekile ukuba uzifundise noma ungeMxhosa...Manje abanye abantu bacwasa ngokobuhlanga - its wrong.

faraimagic
25 Jan 2008 09:58

welcome to jozi...75 percent of the people i know have been mugged in jozi.....its painful that you work hard for your things and someone just come and take it away from you....eish

Segololo
25 Jan 2008 09:59

Zee: I tried but it it is truly an injustice if I am the only one trying... Why don't we both try? I always found myself making the effort to learn Zulu or Xhosa but the people that I was learning for DID NOT BOTHER... so, I don't bother and don't apologise for not understanding. If you and I speak diff languages, and you insist on speaking your language, I simply speak mine... in the end, we do find English as a common language we can talk in and that's fine by me... 

So, I simply don't want anyone uncomfortable and will not accept anyone making me uncomfortable either... I am perfect at Afrikaans too(school Distinction) but if anyone tries to speak Afrikaans to me, I simply reply in tswana... My point here is, I botherered to learn, (whether by choice or not is not the point) and if they insist and feel I should understand Afrikaans, I also expect the same of them... 

BTW, I was not trying to offend anyone by my initial response, it was simply an expression of my opinion to Earth about Zulu being the only laguage he has found himself being addressed in.

Segololo
25 Jan 2008 10:00

Oh Zee: I did not read, or even attempt to read or understand the rest of your reply as I do not want to embarass myself to myself. I read what I could understand and left it there... 

Segololo
25 Jan 2008 10:15

eish, I know I am taking over the blog but I have a lot to say about the language thing.. Askies!

For example, If a Congolese or Mozambican person comes into the country, they don't speak or even know Zulu or Xhosa or Afrikaans but they can speak English... The poor people get victimised by SA's because they can't speak a local language... They don't even try to speak to us darkies in French, Portuguese, Lingala or any other language they speak... We, in turn expect them to learn Zulu or Xhosa because it is "wrong that they don't know it" Haaaibo!!! really wrong of us to expect them to speak a language that not every one in the country speaks... 

I have Congolese/Zambian/Zimbabwean and Swati friends that I don't speak Tswana to or expect them to learn it. I speak to them in a language that we both can speak, hear, understand and is comfortable for all of us... 

Earth is discovering him/herself in a whole new world, even though he is still in SA... Why should he be  forced to feel like he has moved to Kuala Lampur, languagewise, when he is still in SA?

faraimagic
25 Jan 2008 10:25

wow you see the lingo thing is very tricky...im zimbabwean but i can speak sotho,zulu and can try afrikaans....

Segololo
25 Jan 2008 10:32

farai: Were you forced by circumstances to learn or were you genuinely interested in learning by choice?

Toxic
26 Jan 2008 05:08

If u own a car drive like them or your car will be at the panel beaters within a month. 

HAHAHHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Funny cause it's true------cautious drivers are a rare sight around these parts!

faraimagic
27 Jan 2008 09:56

@segololo well i had a thing with sotho i have always loved the sound wen people talk..then i thot wow i can do that...i was very interested....and i dont know if people still apply that old saying ....when in rome,do as romans do!

Toodecent
28 Jan 2008 01:26

ahahahaha tl tl tl tl your article rocks bathong... Janong bona jo..etla Pitori otlo tekutlwela gore go cool byang.LOL O amogetswe mo GP..

monchooza
28 Jan 2008 01:52

huuuu mara this load sheding made me to miss al this......mara its fine ngoba KUSE JOZI LA.....

Pooky
28 Jan 2008 09:58

i've also been thinking of relocating to Jozi,went there once, maar from the airport to Emperors Palace and back the next day, so i wouldnt actually say i've experienced Jozi.... would i as a Capetonian survive there,...maar i'll have to learn to adapt ndithanda ndingathandi mos... Jozi sounds like a whole nother place that is very interesting and very fast paced...

Segololo
28 Jan 2008 10:17

Pooks: Jozi is a place you have to experience, no-one can relly tell you whether you will love or hate it... for some it is hard, for some it is eezy.. Just come and tell us!

eish-bo
28 Jan 2008 20:06

I've been living in Jozi for the past five months....people in Durban told me crazy stories but then it depends where you live and hang out. I found myself a quite place and I am living a peaceful life. If u want Jozi to be hectic then it will be.
But it just traumatises me how people tend to have an attitude when I tell them to either speak to me in IsiZulu or English coz I am still learning isiSotho...i know it's bad but at least I am trying.

Pooky
29 Jan 2008 01:39

thanks Segololo... guess i'll have to find out for myself mos...

Nonny
29 Jan 2008 01:55

Pooky, nami I am also planning to relocate to Jozi in July this year. I want to see what's the buzz about coz 70% of my freinds have alrady been there for a couple of years, I had an opportunity to go now, but because I love money so much I refused, coz I am waiting for a lump sum at work that's due to me in June. But July I am certainly leaving Durbs and I wanna go to Jozi la egizoshaya iDH yami in peace now worrying ukuthi kuzothushuka umakhelwane ahambe ephuza itiya ngami............LOL

Pooky
29 Jan 2008 02:38

Nonny....uyithanda kabi inyuku mngani...maara choma i dont think i'll be going so soon,maybe sometime next year...fixing some isht first(to do with inyuku mngani and some other things wethu...)uzohlala nabani ke mngani,getting your own place...???Just incase i come there choma so i can be the guest from hell at your place LOL...oh and choma that thingy you posted on my GB ad me in stitches...ubenzantoni abaxhosa heh Nons...usile wena

cuz-cuz
05 Jun 2008 01:18

in february  this year i also moved to Pretoria. i am loving it if only could speak sotho and pedi it will be great but i am learning the languages. Pretoria is not busy as Jozi but its still hectic. hope to enjoy my stay here

tha - bang
05 Jun 2008 02:05

Jozi is a great place,its dirty,grimy, slimy and its beautiful, clean, posh,hip and everything. its a melting pot and a place u can be a total stranger and in a couple of months call it home with pride. darkies own jozi,thats why i love it.
its not cape town, defineatly not durban and nothing close tshwane bt ts where its at,anyway for me. im still to be mgged, hi jacked, broken into or robbed and ive been here since2000 from maftown.
hopefully le wena o tla e rata gauteng ya rona.

Nonny
05 Jun 2008 02:10

I'm still happy in Durban!!!! DURBAN ROCKS!!!!

Earth
05 Jun 2008 02:18

So far so good.Pity,I still don't have the guts to go do some shopping at the Mini Milan in Jeppe street.Someone told me the tsotsis there can smell a newbie a mile away!Belz maybe you should khapha me some time....

tha - bang
05 Jun 2008 02:31

lol.wheres your sense of adventure


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