As I read and replied to the article
“In-laws or is it out-laws” by
Zolx I wondered what kind of in-law I currently am and how I will be to my children’s future partners. As I have previously said, when I spec’d my dream man I was adamant I do not want a meddling mother-in-law so I have very little experience. I, however, have experiences with my other in-laws that I would rather not discuss on this forum.
What I know for certain is “You have to change you to be able to adjust and be tolerant of any extended family members”. As the newbie, in this case, you are more likely to be prodded and poked than anyone. You have a lot in common with the family than you care to admit. You and them love your partner and only want the best for him/her. You and them are very protective of your partner. It is important to everyone to feel a part of your partner’s lives and sometimes no-one knows to what extent.
I think most in-laws hate the newbie because they feel the attention, care, love and everything they got from their sibling or child will now be dissected and most likely disappear. They feel that their special place has been forcefully taken Mugabe style; right under their noses. So to avoid such things happening they have to ensure the newbie is so unhappy s/he is forced to retaliate and push the “it’s them or me” tactic. AND we all know, in most – sometimes always, you lose the battle. AND this goes both ways, your family may also be exerting their own kind of pressure on your partner and you are blinded to it as your focus is on his family’s issues.
Anyways, I googled “dealing with in-laws” and Dr Phil was my first hit! () He insists the responsibility lies on the couple to deal with them.
Here’s his advise to the couple when
managing their in-laws If you plan on sticking with your spouse, then you're also stuck with your in-laws. Here's Dr. Phil's advice for dealing with your new extended family.
• There can be no divided loyalties. When you get married and start your own family, that's where your primary loyalty needs to be.
• Good fences make good neighbors. Your in-laws need to be your neighbors and there need to be really good fences up. Set boundaries about when they are and are not invited into your lives.
• You've got a finite amount of physical and emotional energy. If you're in-laws are draining you, you may need to change the boundaries. Reassure them that you are not closing them out, you are simply focusing on yourselves.
• Once you've set boundaries, talk to your parents about them. They're not as fragile as you may think.
• The other woman in every man's life is his mother. If your husband starts in with: "Well my mother does it this way ..." then tell him to go over and sleep with her.
• If a wife has a problem with her mother-in-law, it's the husband who needs to step in and help fix it. Likewise, if a husband doesn't see eye-to-eye with his in-laws, his wife needs to step in. The person with the primary relationship (the son or daughter, not the in-law) needs to be the messenger.
• Negotiate with your own partner the role that you want your in-laws to have. Don't assume you're on the same page until you talk about it.
• Try not to criticize your spouse for his/her relationship with his/her parents. It may only lead to more clinginess or complications.
• You need to love your parents, and have a rich and active relationship with them, but any time that you turn away from your partner to resolve a relationship issue, that's a bad thing. If you have a problem in the marriage, you need to resolve it in the marriage.
• Keep in mind that your parents only know what you tell them. If you go to them every time you're angry and frustrated and having problems in your marriage, they hear that, but they don't hear when you make up.
Here is his take on dealing with in-laws (nice or ugly ones)
1.
Set Boundaries
o Sometimes extended family is its own social system and it's hard to extract yourself out of there. It's okay to love your family but you've got to love yourself, your husband, and your kids, too.
o In large families, there is always a drama going on. What would happen if you held up a stop sign to your family and said, "Look, love ya,' but you've got to tell-it-walking. I don't want that in my home." There's a point when you've got to be mature enough to say, "I've got a finite amount of emotional energy and you people are draining me bad. And my family's paying for it."
o You have to set boundaries on your marriage. Relationship boundaries swing in and out. They get violated by in-laws coming in and also violated by a spouse swinging the door out, pulling the in-laws in. Taking your problems to your in-laws gets them enmeshed in your life. Does your relationship have a bright-line boundary around it?
2.
Talk to your in laws o If you haven't talked to your in-law about what's bothering you, then you don't have the right to be complaining about the problem to others.
o Once you've set your boundaries, talk to your parents about them. Parents are
not as fragile as you think they are.
o Share what you want from your relationships. Reassure the in-laws, "We're not closing you out, we're just wanting to focus on ourselves."
3.
Filters and Trust o Getting defensive before in-laws visit? We get into fixed beliefs, setting up filters and seeing people in a certain way. You can be so set that no matter what your in-law does, you can't stop seeing them that way. (Your mother in-law could say "hi" and you'll think, "What...I'm not good enough for hello?")
o Trust is not about them. Trust is about you. The extent that you trust them is purely a function of how strong you feel about yourself
o Criticizing your spouse on their relationship with their family leads your spouse to cling to their family more. What you fear, you create — and they'll stay entangled because of your criticisms.
He also offers some questions to the mothers and father’s in-law to ask themselves when there is tension between them and their newbie…
o Are you over-involved? Are you injecting into this new family? Are you doing something that intrudes on your children hammering out of a relationship?
o Are you a criticizing mother-in law? Do you know what kind of effect you're having on your in-law? It's not a matter of intention, it's a matter of perception. Share with them what's bothering you.
o When you visit be a guest —it's their house, let them run it. If you're giving someone something they don't want, it's not a gift.
o Are you having trouble letting go? Who are you other than a mother? Would you have it any other way than for your son to be married?
o If the couple is fighting — let them handle it. Don't get pulled in by your children. A new couple needs to set boundaries on their relationship. Those boundaries swing in and out. They get violated by in-laws coming in and can be violated by a spouse swinging the door out, pulling you in.
Zolx, I didn’t want to take over your blog but wanted to offer advise to all those in need. Thank you, dear for the great blog.