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Should lobola money be returned?

Written by Dimago from the blog Some food for thought on 23 Feb 2009
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A friend of mine paid lobola for his then girlfriend. Three months after lobola payments, the girl decided to call it quits and split. Now my friend wants his money back, and I think it's well within his rights to ask for it back, especially in these tough economic times. The girl's family apparently say he should let bygones be bygones, my thoughts are that they chowed that money and can't pay him back.

What is your opinion in this, should lobola money be refunded? What is the cultural process? Websites like www.lobolaonline.co.za offer that facility, so it seems it is an avenue that is explored. While on this lobola online website, what are your thoughts about our culture going to cyber space?

Holler!

*Please forgive the please call me

59 Comments

Best-Achiever
23 Feb 2009 10:12

nna what i know about lobola money is: it cannot be returned but provisions are made if a woman is found at fault. Like in this case i think because the woman called it quits, then two families need to sit them down find out what made the woman to call it quits, if it is because the man did something that made the woman to call it quits, then he wont get his money back ...but if it is her own fault or because she suddenly think that the guy is not the guy for her, then her family must return lobola.

But for me ... if i was to break up with someone after lobola has been paid .. i would give their money back whether it is his fault or not ..if my family doesnt want to give back that money, they i'd rather get a loan to pay them back if i doesnt have that kind of money in my account, than rejoicing in someone's curse.

Ms. Jay
23 Feb 2009 10:29

wouldn giving the money back be like returning a faulty product? like "30 days money back gaurenteed"

Sana Lwam
23 Feb 2009 10:37

Give him his money back. 3 months qha???

Lex
23 Feb 2009 10:38

BA - I agree with you only on the part where you say the lobola should be returned if its the woman's fault.If it is the man's fault,there is no way he would get his money back!

My uncle was married to this lady who loved booze like nobody's business.So my uncle was always complaining to my family about his woman's drinking and the family decided to call a meeting with the woman's family.At the meeting,the woman was asked to make a choice between my uncle and booze,and she chose booze.Three days later the woman's family came to return the lobola money without being asked to by my family coz they knew that it was the right thing to do.

ms.tebby
23 Feb 2009 10:46

Dimags! this is what im talking about when i say you are my cuzin! LOL

back to the topic : my cuzin also was supposed to get married but changed her mind after everything was in place, just a month before the celebrations. Now the guy's family wanted their magadi back, and it was paid back.

but it poses another question in my mind. in our culture when you have been paid magadi for, you are married- here is the question now: when you decide otherwise before the celebration it means you are divorcing- so do people return the magadi when they divorce?

putsununuh
23 Feb 2009 10:46

hey people! ok mina i think we are confusing ourselves with this lobola issue coz we all know that the reason of paying lobola is to create ubuhlobo among the families, so u pay lobola because uyamthanda umuntu wakho and u like thanking her parents for bringing her up abe muhle uze umbone if seningasazwani musani ukufaka abazali ezinkingeni, ukuthi thina we think by paying lobola u buying umuntu wakho or usuyam owner no it shudnt be like that hau

ngwana
23 Feb 2009 10:50

There's no letting bygones be bygones, dude must get his money back.

I'm not sure i like the idea of a lobola website

Jez
23 Feb 2009 11:03

ohh yes definately, the Lobola must be returned, COST OF LIVING IS TOO HIGH!!!!

Strolicious
23 Feb 2009 11:09

amalobola awabuyeli emuva,1 of my aunt sebamulobole 4 times,and uhlezi ebuya and abayitholi imali yabo back...she is like a smallanyana business to the family...

maud
23 Feb 2009 11:09

hi

mna i dont care who is wrong , i will never return the money, over my dead body,
what about all the years we have been together.i think he also have to bring back''''' let not get there.

let me read again, maybe i missed something.

Cande
23 Feb 2009 11:10

Hi ngeke, he deserves his mani baq

Lex
23 Feb 2009 11:16

Stro wa mpolaya!

cleve
23 Feb 2009 11:30

I don't think lobola must be returned. I am not a product of some-sort or have any guarantee. So in other words I have been bought like a cow??? Lobola is not about buying someone. As a man you know the risks that come with relationships. Izinkomo azibuyeli emuva "Cows don't go back" that's what I understand about the lobola business.

But obviously there are exceptions to the rules, if the woman just blatantly refuses to get married to the guy for no apparent reason; then she should give the poor guy his money.

maud
23 Feb 2009 11:33

he will get his money back( emva kwamafemi) not la kimi.

Dimago
23 Feb 2009 11:40

one of my aunt sebamulobole 4 times,and uhlezi ebuya and abayitholi imali yabo back...she is like a smallanyana business to the family...
This is my proble Stroh, some women can make careers out of being lobolad and not getting married but keeping the money. Especially thise days phela lobola is expensive, what's the average price, R20k?

GML
23 Feb 2009 12:04

Maybe this girl dates guys and gets them to lobola her and dumps them afterwards. this for her is a job

Tynt!
23 Feb 2009 12:11

lol!! I don’t recall asking for money back after a botched lotto ticket!

ms.tebby
23 Feb 2009 12:12

LOL...Stro...

sisan
23 Feb 2009 12:15

In my opinion, i think that the girl is a crook and maybe her family too, she nkew from the bigining that she was'nt into the guy and stil accepted his proposal so that she can just have the money and then dump the guy. So i think that the money should be returned, since the goods that was paid for is now reposesed, if the girl's family is of a christian family they are honest then they will do the right think to go and apologies to the guys family and give back the lobola money and it should be extra but they must also hold a meeting to look at the actual reason why the girl diceded to just call it quits, then only they can make a decision and that decision must be fair to both families concerned.

KeleFabulous
23 Feb 2009 12:24

how old are the 2 Dimags?

i can't say much on this issue but all i can say is that lobola = marriage and when one gets lobolad they must know and be committed to being in it for life. why did she agree to be lobolad in the first place?

Strolicious
23 Feb 2009 12:24

ppl wld do anything for chelete,nami im also thinking uku joiner my aunt,imali esheshayo....off topic guys did u see uNimrod on amazing dates...

JadaPinkett
23 Feb 2009 12:36

@Strolicious..........Nimrod was amazing, he can be romantic somehow, i liked it when he said" Kokie call my name plz" LOL!!!!
Back to the topic............No no no no I don't we should return the lobola money what if the parents have used it... sorry guys i don't think so I think your frnd must forget about that money...Ay kabi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KeleFabulous
23 Feb 2009 12:36

sorry Dimags but can someone pls tell me if Jordan is still alive?

blueroze
23 Feb 2009 12:44

Dima i have visited the site before.
i really do not want strangers to negotiate for my lobola, i am not on sale.
no amount of money which my future husband pays will amount ot what i am actually worth.

i am more than money quantified in a few or a lot of thousand rands.

this is a stupid initiative. negotiations should be between family members, to build a relationship between two families, why let strangers do?

imagine after you are married and your in laws ask you where Oscar is...and you go like oh i dont know, we are not related he was our negotiator......

Toxic
23 Feb 2009 12:47

I think i know who this 'friend' is and therefore the moeny should be returned cause the girl breached the contract.

TheLady
23 Feb 2009 12:48

My aunt does the same Stroh? My grand mother got tired of all this lobola business, she found herself an old woman to pose as her mother-she's rolling in it-I tell ya...

Best-Achiever
23 Feb 2009 12:54

what's the average price, R20k?

it is more than that dear... think 11 cows and tell me if you can get them with R20k

this is a stupid initiative. negotiations should be between family members, to build a relationship between two families, why let strangers do?
Yoou'd be suprised how difficult family can be sometimes(especial uncles, abobabomncane).... if it were parents who negotiate things will be a whole lot easier

Best-Achiever
23 Feb 2009 12:56

My aunt does the same Stroh? My grand mother got tired of all this lobola business, she found herself an old woman to pose as her mother-she's rolling in it-I tell ya...

tl tl tl tl tl TheLady and Stro... you aunties are crooks, those lobola are supposed to go to the last family that lobolad her

One and Only
23 Feb 2009 13:01

According to my knowledge and Blacks culture Lobola is never given back no matter what the circumstances are.

You can decide to call it quits but you will always belong to the man's family until you get married again, in that case the new guy will not pay the Lobola over to your parents but to the parents of the man you left.

Just remember that Lobola is priceless and carries no guarantee, families usually negotiate and agree on the price if she's worth it you'll pay it.

Now if you have bought your partner a gift while you were together, would you want/claim everything you have bought for him/her while you were still together? Ask for it back if you can also return the woman's private parts in the condition you found them.

blueroze
23 Feb 2009 13:02

we are not too cultural at home. i dont think my parents will mind doing the negotiations for me.
plus there are those family members who are on a mission to destroy others, so if they get to be part of negotiations they make everything tough and the future in laws end up fed up.

Sana Lwam
23 Feb 2009 13:03

Hi 1&Only?

Dimago
23 Feb 2009 13:15

how old are the 2 Dimags?
late twenties, early thirty's Kele

sorry Dimags but can someone pls tell me if Jordan is still alive?
Yes, Kele, i'll email you her contact details

this is a stupid initiative. negotiations should be between family members, to build a relationship between two families, why let strangers do?
I totally agree with you bluerose

I think i know who this 'friend' is and therefore the moeny should be returned cause the girl breached the contract.
You know too much Tox :)

Ask for it back if you can also return the woman's private parts in the condition you found them.
LMAO 1&only

Toxic
23 Feb 2009 13:15

You can decide to call it quits but you will always belong to the man's family until you get married again, in that case the new guy will not pay the Lobola over to your parents but to the parents of the man you left.

didn't know this.

Now if you have bought your partner a gift while you were together, would you want/claim everything you have bought for him/her while you were still together? Ask for it back if you can also return the woman's private parts in the condition you found them.

When u buy a gift, u're not placing a condition on it. Lobola is paid on condition the girl becomes the boy's wife, isn't that so?

Segololo
23 Feb 2009 13:19

traditionally it never should be... It is considered uncenstorally impossible... Lobola is a meeting of the ancestors...not a gift to anybody.

let me go read the article...

KeleFabulous
23 Feb 2009 13:19

One and Only? please wirite an autobiography...or just a lil sum'in sum'in nyana telling along the lines of...A DAY IN THE MIND OF...you guessed it! One and Only? i'm curious thu bhut'/sisi

Segololo
23 Feb 2009 13:21

<<You can decide to call it quits but you will always belong to the man's family until you get married again, in that case the new guy will not pay the Lobola over to your parents but to the parents of the man you left. >> yes, that is to appease the uncestors on losing their makoti... and making the ancestors meet the new ones...

my uncle passedon and his wife(my aunt) remarried, the lobola was paid to our family.

Strolicious
23 Feb 2009 13:23

Abomkhulu they even say she is worth more than dat,if usho imali encane..dat what they said to the second man's family...

Toxic
23 Feb 2009 13:27

Lobola is a meeting of the ancestors...not a gift to anybody.

tjo, we learn everyday.

Amza
23 Feb 2009 13:33

I must say I really love these kind of topics: So I found a need to visit my coleagues offices asking thisq uestion to each of them and I then realised that in most cases people are not sure as to what is spposed tohappen in situations like this: The answer I got was that: It all depends who did wrong, and I thought fair enough. So Lobola at some point is regarded to as a gift to the parents. So in other words you can buy someone a gift and claim back should that person do you wrong? maybe not.

My take is that should you feel the need for it to be returned then do so but if not the you know it is still okay. No one has a right to hold it against you.

Having said that I think Im go get myself few guys who are willing to pop out 30 grand for myself and dump each one of them after a month or 2.

Khafo
23 Feb 2009 13:37

Hai Stroh man, this is serious wena. You're killing me big time.
Lobola must be paid to members of the family/ relatives......otherwise it will haunt somebody when things go wrong_no strangers in this business on a serious note.

Dimago
23 Feb 2009 13:42

When u buy a gift, u're not placing a condition on it. Lobola is paid on condition the girl becomes the boy's wife, isn't that so?
It is so Tox

babetm
23 Feb 2009 13:59

i dont agree with those who are saying lobola money should be refunded. a guy does pay lobola at his own risk and must not abuse me and expect me to stay with him bcos he lobolad no ways!whether it is my fault or his, no refund. my parents are not an ATM or Bank where u just deposit the money and withdraw at anytime u feel like. no refund full stop!

Toxic
23 Feb 2009 14:05

babetm, there was no abuse at all. Girl did a business transaction qha.

Strolicious
23 Feb 2009 14:06

LOL @Babetm,........a guy does pay lobola at his own risk

Venusseed
23 Feb 2009 14:13

My uncle was married to this lady who loved booze like nobody's business. I just remembered Paul Ndlovu's song. "Ba ntekela mosadi ba ntekela sidako. Ani molabi mina! Famba uye kwa yina"
So my uncle was always complaining to my family about his woman's drinking and the family decided to call a meeting with the woman's family. "Mme matswale o seke wa mfuralla." Sorry Lex I just had to sing these two songs.

Back to the topic. I don't think ilobola is a financial exchange for a service, product or anything. Otherwise that would be local human trafficking. The guy fell inlove and decided to lobola this woman. Whatever made that woman call it quits. He sounds like he is bitter and covering up the cause of the split with the lobola case. He saw her fit enough and ready to make him his wife.

I don't think it's fair for him to expect the parents to pay him back, "especially in these tough economic times." Unfortunately there is no returns or exchange without a receipt.

tshepiso
23 Feb 2009 14:20

According to our culture BAROLONG lobolo was not money but cows. the guy's family give cow/s to the lady's family to maintain the their children. So if the she does not have children or never will have children and want a divorce, then it when the lobola being claimed back.

tha - bang
23 Feb 2009 15:04

the money should come back.times are hard.credit crunch e re bolaya rothle man

Luksta
23 Feb 2009 15:13

A friend of mine paid lobola for his then girlfriend. Three months after lobola payments, the girl decided to call it quits and split.

In this case, the man should be given back his lobola. After 3 months??

Generally, if a man has lobolad his wife and the wife does an unthinkable like febad, then the man has a right to demand his lobola back. Number of issues are considered though, like, if they have children.

A man may decide not to demand his lobola if he is on good terms with his in-laws, (as the girl's family is not responsible for her febaring ways).
Mina I would demand my lobola regardless!

TheLady
25 Feb 2009 09:49

Dimags did you hear your article on Metro last night after Rob's show? Girlfriend they dedicated a whole show to the topic and had an 'annonymous' brother who felt the same way, they researched and found that more people want their lobola back-the research was just this article! And the woman didn't even give props-oh and she was excited about lobolaonline too...hehehe

TheLady
25 Feb 2009 10:00

"Mme matswale o seke wa mfuralla." You don't wanna know what I was saying when I sang this song...nc nc-I heard it on radio this morning-somebody please some lyrics and translation...I want the cd.

Dimago
25 Feb 2009 10:19

Serious TheLady? i missed it. Is it safe to assume that they research their topics from our blogs?

Lyrics loosely translated:

Mme matswale o seke wa mfuralla: mother in law, dont turn your back on me.
Ke tlile ho wena le rraNaledi: I came to you and Naledi's father
Ke tlisitse mathata a motse waka: I brought the problems of my home

yo yo yo yo
Motse waka a thubeha: My home is falling apart
Thusang bo: Help please
yo yo yo yo

TheLady
25 Feb 2009 11:37

Thank D-yip si-ri-yas. She read the first paragraph and then she started to talk about lobolaonline, that was her only research-she didn't refer to anything else, well except for a nameless brother who wanted the lobolo back and hence inspired the show...

Now I'm gonna sing the loudest hehehe

andi01
25 Feb 2009 12:45

Three months after lobola payments, the girl decided to call it quits and split- If the brother did wrong, he aint gettin nothing, but if the sister did wrong the brother shud get his money back so that he can get a wife that would stay more than 3 months. Period!!!!!!!!!!

andi01
25 Feb 2009 12:49

what are your thoughts about our culture going to cyber space?- I think its utterly disgusting and disrespectful, but there is nothin we can do now, its too late. It started back in the days by Nongqawuse, and we sending them whites to be sangomas and even taking some to the initiation school with us.

andi01
25 Feb 2009 12:50

What we dont realise is that we are victimising ourseleves by exposing 2 much of our culture. Imagine asking ur employer for 2 months off bcoz u wanna go to the bush, and he is like "whats the 2 months for, you only need to be there for 3 weeks", there goes your chance of staying home and watch tv.

blueroze
25 Feb 2009 12:56

TL - go get the best of Caiphus and Letta Mbuli at reliable for a reliable R50

HARAMBE24
25 Feb 2009 13:12

The dude must get his money back..the gal was probably a bad lay and he put up with it...poor dude never got a decent BJ...he must get his money back....

mathata
25 Feb 2009 13:53

this is real business,family e mokgwebong.

TheLady
26 Feb 2009 08:36

LOL Harambe, some families are decent-according to Zulu culure umakoti is not suppose to eat amasi from her in-laws.My mom's dad gave my dad's family a cow so that she can have what ever she wants. I think they should have not taken it.

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