What a strange episode that was. The pacing was off as it was obviously meant to be Part 1 of a two-parter, the Roadblock was MIA (where’s the CSI when you need it?), and for the first time ever, we got to see teams setting off from the Pit Stop twice in one episode.
The strangest thing was that it was on a Monday, something as unnatural as a dog standing on its hind legs, or a straight Cha, or an interesting Dani(elle). I don’t like this new timeslot, especially since it cuts into my America’s Next Top Model time. Do you know how hard it is to write about TAR when you have Ms Tyra in the background distracting you with her day-glo hair?
Bill and Joe have a habit of falling hours and hours behind other teams. In their first season, they ended up falling so far back, they had to be informed that the race was over while they were still stuck on a glacier in Alaska. But Bill and Joe need not worry as I’m sure this time it will end differently. Poland has no glaciers for one thing.
Their 12+ hour difference will probably be mitigated by a conveniently placed bunching point anyway, just like the supposed bad weather that kept Charla and Mirna’s dhow from sailing last week. I look forward to learning next week of a sudden and mysterious tornado which has grounded all flights except the ones the teams don’t happen to be on.
Plane in the ass
Travel just didn’t agree with any of the teams, except for the BQs. I think. They may have had some bad airplane food or something. Did you know Tyra loves airplane food? Gah, I need to focus. Next I’ll be comparing Jay Manuel’s sparkly pecs to Eric’s and complaining about how Charla’s walk just isn’t fierce enough.
For all our faults as a nation (crime, taxis, sokkie treffer compilations), we can be rest assured that we are not the worst place in the world when it comes to service delivery. Hands up if you’ve ever had to wait seven hours at a travel agent. So if you’re ever planning on traveling to Dar es Salaam, bring a book or three.
I am convinced that the travel agent’s inability to find teams tickets to Poland within the space of a workday was because of Charla and Mirna’s “convincing”. As soon as the Cousins started their attempts at persuasiveness, the travel agent thought “Screw these two” and ended up playing Minesweeper for the rest of the day.
OK, perhaps that’s not the most convincing theory since wouldn’t a travel agent want to get rid of people like Charla and Mirna as soon as possible instead of hearing all the dialects of Mirnese for seven hours?
Uchenna and Joyce completely missed their connecting flight in Frankfurt. I know I keep saying how somewhere Rob is pointing and laughing at the TV, but seriously, you know he’s laughing his ass off at this one. Apparently planes only come back when it’s the finale episode and the producers have an investment in making it a close race. Funny how that works.
Love is all you need (to get on a reality show)
The most fun bit of Evil Plane Business was watching the Guidos and Eric/Dani(elle) not be allowed to board their connecting flight when they were already so far behind. Joe tried to get the plane’s attention by running outside and shouting at it. In most airports, that would have gotten him a taser to the head. He’s lucky that security in Kilimanjaro consists of a guy with a badminton paddle and a really sharp pencil.
All this stress led to Eric and Dani(elle) fighting. Eric thought Dani(elle) was acting like a drama queen while Dani(elle) thought Eric was acting like a child. Oh noes! My heart will be broken if these two crazy kids don’t make it! I haven’t been this invested in a couple since Britney and Kevin!
Basically, all of Eric and Dani(elle)’s airtime was dedicated to the issue of their relationship and the cracks that were beginning to form during the race. Please no. I watch this show to see Phil Keoghan, not Dr Phil. I double dip don’t care about these two because forum member, Lingo, revealed that Eric and Dani(elle) weren’t actually dating during this season – they had already broken up by the time they signed on to do it.
Geez, and you thought Rob and Amber were famewhores. At least they never fake dated to get on a reality show. So next time there’s an Eric and Dani(elle) relationship scene, feel free to mute the sound and insert the dialogue because it will be just as genuine as whatever it is they’re really saying. My version:
Dani(elle): Eric, you never say you love me! All you do is correct my geographical mistakes!
Eric: Well, having a good knowledge of geography is essential. I like to draw a map of the world on my pecs and stand in front of the mirror and flex them. That’s how I learn, Desiree.
Dani(elle): My name is Dani. Or possibly Danielle. I’m so boring, I don’t even know my own name.
Eric: I haven’t made a joke about your boobs in three minutes. Better make one or people might think I’m gay.
Dani(elle): That’s silly, Eric. Just because you keep calling me Jeremy when we’re in bed doesn’t mean you’re gay. No-one ever remembers my name, remember?
Eric: Thanks for reassuring me. Wanna go into a broom closet for some fun?
Dani(elle): Sure! Let me go spray on some Axe and find my football outfit.
Try it, it’s fun!
How the Beauty Queens got their groove back
The BQs have been on low simmer throughout this season, obviously because they don’t want to peak too early and are trying to conserve their strength. Or at least that’s what I tell myself so I don’t have to take off my official BQ T-shirt and cry into my pillow at how much less awesome they are compared to last season. Thankfully, that changed during this leg.
Besides showing that Total BQ Domination for which they are so famed, we got to learn some new things about the toothy twosome, namely that Kandice loves to golf and Dustin knows how to play the piano. Not only that, she is also a Chopin fangirl. She was almost as excited to meet a fake Chopin as she would be to meet the real thing. You should see how excited she gets when she goes to Vegas and sees all those Elvises. Do you think there’s a market for Chopin impersonators in Poland? It would certainly make for classier wedding ceremonies.
Danny also revealed some piano skills, which was as much a revelation to Oswald as it was to the viewers. Ooh, what else do you think Danny has been hiding? Wait, he’s from Miami, right? OMG, maybe he’s a serial killer!! He’s totally Dexter, only with better fashion sense!!
Charla and Mirna of course did not know a thing about music at all. That was expected since I don’t associate them with music at all. Except for wacky banjoes, I suppose. Or maybe those dogs that bark Christmas carols. Joyce alleged she once knew how to play piano but had forgotten. She completely forgot how to play? Why do I suspect her past knowledge of piano-playing didn’t extend beyond Chopsticks?
Eric and Dani(elle) didn’t know how to tune but somehow managed to get through their Detour anyway, while Bill and Joe took a wee bit longer to sort out their X-ray Detour. Joe compared Bill’s chest to that of the mannequin being X-rayed. Bill looked alarmed. I would too if my partner was comparing my bits to those of a plastic mannequin.
The editing didn’t even try to make it seem close between the Guidos and Eric/Dani(elle) so it was pretty obvious that it was a Non-Elimination. They were so happy, they tried to kiss Phil. Poor Phil gets manhandled more than the mannequins. I hope no-one tries to grope him in the future. Mirna, I’m looking at you.
Next week: More scenes from the greatest relationship the world has ever known since Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn – Eric and Dani(elle)’s fake relationship woes deepen. Wait! Don’t go! There’s Charla in armour to make up for it.