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What could I possibly write about that ending? How could I possibly find the right words to express what I am feeling right now? Just imagine someone flailing wildly, as if being attacked by killer bees, all the while muttering garbled nonsense at a TV screen, and you’ll get the picture.

Eric and Dani(elle) winning is a Very Bad Thing. It has a terrible effect on the universe. It makes angels lose their wings. It leads to litters of kittens becoming cannibalistic. It turns a child’s laughter into bitter, bitter tears. It makes nightingales sing offkey.

I would rather have seen any of the other teams win over the Fakersons. I would rather have seen Mirna win a million and put it all down to how much of a good and kind person she was, all the while openly mocking the losers for being bad people.

Shortcomings

For all my making fun of them, I will say this: Charla and Mirna did run a helluva race. They had a solid first half this leg but ultimately tall and long-limbed is going to beat short and stumpy in a race nine times out of ten.

Those two girls sure could work an airport. Perhaps it was because they need less seating space – Charla could easily be stuffed in the overhead compartment, if necessary – but nevertheless Charla and Mirna were officially queens of the airport.

Another thing we can chalk Charla up as being good at is balancing on a surfboard. She looked just like Lilo or Stitch (I’ll leave it to you to decide which one) during the Detour. If there’s a sequel to the movie Blue Crush in the works, Hollywood, you know who to call. I am rather sad that there was not some sort of hula challenge. I think the only costume we never got to see Charla in was a grass skirt and lei.

Now that I’ve given them props, I can laugh at the way Mirna constantly emphasized her mental abilities and mental strength. She’s got something mental about her but it sure aint strength. Still, I shouldn’t mock. It got them to third place after all, which they were happy to accept. “In the end,” Mirna sniffled, “I really think people got to know the real Charla and Mirna”. I’m not exactly sure that’s a good thing, Sparky.

Still, let’s give Charla and Mirna (mostly Charla) a hand for a pretty fantastic performance in the race. Next up, I hope Charla breaks more boundaries by going on America’s Next Top Model.

The queens are dethroned

There are a lot of seasons of TAR where my favourite team has come in second or third, but for some reason I am more annoyed than usual that over the BQs’ loss. I think it was a combination of things. They were pure competitors, and watching them get so much enjoyment out of racing in turn made me enjoy watching them. They were the best racers this season, and it’s always a bit rough when the best team doesn’t win it. To top it all off, we were thisclose to an all-girl team finally winning this, and the BQs were simply the best all-girl team in all eleven seasons.

The pressure got to them. After twelve legs of well-oiled racing, something snapped and they lost some of their BQ spirit. They even had a fight! Who knew the BQs fought? Kandice got pissed at Dustin and ragged on her for not listening. This made Dustin cry. “We’re done,” was Kandice’s stony response. Omigod, you guys, this is like the worst break-up ever!

Don’t worry, the BQs did not pull a Brad and Jen. Dustin tearfully said the only reason she had even come on the race was because of Kandice. Kandice’s heart grew three sizes that day and their friendship was renewed.

I find it hilarious that the relationship drama between the BQs was far more emotionally resonant than the anything that happened between Eric and Dani(elle) throughout the show. Chemistry: one of these teams has it in spades, and it’s not the actual couple of the two.

This is where I rewrite the ending in my head

I suppose there was something satisfying in the way Eric and Dani(elle) won, at least if you believe they were really dating. The entire race, they were worried about whether their relationship could work and whether they were compatible as a couple.

It was during the final challenge that Eric and Dani(elle) proved that they do know what the other is thinking pretty well. Not that it’s all that hard to get into the minds of either of them, mind you (Boobs! Lame jokes! Seething hatred for Danny and Oswald! More boobs!), but it was surprising nevertheless.

The two simple minds we so in tune that they managed to win a million bucks because of it. At least the editors managed to milk something out of this grand love story that was Eric/Dani(elle).

It all paled in comparison to Eric’s phonecall home, where he managed to speak to his real love over the phone. A newly shorn Jeremy was waiting for his on the other end and was so thrilled, he promised Eric a good spanking when he got home. Ah, young love. Dani(elle) who?

That’s pretty much why the ending irked me so much. I didn’t hate it because they suck as people (even though they do). I didn’t hate it because they’re poor sports (even though they are). I hated it because, as a team, they didn’t earn the right to even compete. Eric and Jeremy earned that right. Eric and Dani(elle) did not because they were never even on the damn race as a team together. She was just a prop he saddled himself with so that he could have another shot at the million.

I’ll just have to go to the happy place in my head where Dani(elle) wears proper shirts, no-one whines when the Yield is used, someone bitchslaps Mirna whenever she deserves it, and the BQs win the season. Denial aint just a river in Egypt, folks.

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