Season 12 of The Amazing Race is here and features an interesting assortment of wackos, weirdoes, wankers, and whiners…and that’s just Nate and Jen! The rest of the cast is made up of the best
Central Casting America could offer. Here’s a quick reminder:
Azaria/Hendekea: Nerdy siblings. According to the opening credits, they are scientists who make Flubber for a living.
Ronald/Christina: Kinda, sorta estranged father/daughter team. Christina wants to spend as much time with Ron as she can because he’s “almost 60”. Way to emphasise the fact that your dad’s got one foot in the grave, Chris.
TK/Rachel: Homeless bum and his girlfriend. They are hippies, only not the annoying, fake, famewhoring kind like some other former TAR contestants.
Shana/Jen: The same kind of interchangeable Hollywood blondes we see every season. Plan on using their looks to get ahead. Good luck with that because they don’t have much without their make-up.
Mariana/Julia: Interchangeable brunette sisters. Say they’ll use their looks to get ahead. Nevertheless, about 83 percent less annoying than Shana/Jen, possibly because they are made up of 83 percent less silicone, collagen, and bleach.
Kate/Pat: Church ministers of the lesbotronic variety. They are married so all girl-on-girl activities are of the God-approved variety rather than the sinful dirty porn-star variety.
Jason/Lorena: Commitment-phobe and his girlfriend. Jason literally describes himself as having one foot out the door of their relationship. Since TAR is known for bringing together troubled couples, this will undoubtedly end well.
Nicholas/Donald: Airline pilot and his randy, foul-mouthed granddad. The coolest thing about old age is that you’re able to abandon all tact whatsoever and people will think it’s cute.
Kynt/Vyxsin: Perky Goths who enjoy frolicking hand-in-hand through graveyards. Imagine Mary Poppins with fewer umbrellas and more black lipstick.
Nate/Jen: Couple working through “trust issues”, which actually means “trust me, those are the least of our issues”. Hit approximately Episode 7 level of histrionics within the first half hour of the first episode.
Ari/Staella: Fag and hag. Hedgehog-haired Ari says he tells it like it is, which is code for “I’m a badly-behaved punkass bitch who somehow thinks admitting it makes my crappy behaviour cute.” Don’t get too attached to them…
With the contestants introduced in fun, bite-sized segments, it was time for Phil to start the semi-annual event of the year: the Running of the Racers. And run the racers did, to their cars where they had to navigate to the airport and pick up any one of three tickets to Shannon, Ireland. Some teams got lost. Some didn’t. Among the latter, unfortunately, was the charming duo of Nate and Jen. They took the time to laugh at the people who didn’t know where they were going, and referred to the Goths as “the freaks” a couple of times. Raise your hand if, judging from what you’ve seen from this episode, you’d rather spend time with those freaks than Nate and Jen. Thought so.
I hope whatever's living in TK's hair manages to adjust to the wet Irish climateIn Ireland, Ari and Staella decided to steal the taxi Ronald and Christina had ordered. Is there no place in the world safe from theft? Even in the middle of the Irish countryside, there’s some twat with a head like a sea-urchin who likes to steal cars. Later on, when Ron confronted him, he feigned innocence. Ooh, not just Grand Theft Auto but lying too. God’s going to get you for that – He’ll probably tell those minister ladies of his to deliver a biblical smackdown, and everyone knows lezzies hit hard.
Ari’s car-nanigans were ultimately for naught as everyone managed to get on the same ferry. Everyone was neck and neck for a bit until some loony local told Chris/Ron, Nick/Don, and Mariana/Julia to take a left when they should’ve taken a right. Not to stereotype, but I think he may have been hitting the Guinness a wee bit too early in the morning. After all, in Ireland, every day is St Patrick’s Day.
Nate and Jen, much to my infinite frustration did end up going the right way, but she apparently wasn’t walking fast enough so he engaged in a bit of loving encouragement by calling her the worst person he had ever met…at this. If he gets this way because she’s not walking fast enough, Roadblocks and Detours are going to be fun times.
The three teams who took a left when they should have turned right at Albuquerque eventually asked for directions and found their way to their destination, but by then everyone else had managed to sign up for earlier ferries. Among these earlier teams were Ari and Staella, and Nate and Jen. Gee, I hope those four nitwits don’t somehow manage to screw a future task so badly they lose their great leads. That would suck.
"Man, I am so high right now!"No-one managed to screw up the very next task after their ferries because, well, that would result in death and lawsuits. The Roadblock was for one team-member to ride a bike over a wire with their teammate dangling underneath. The Irish have some strange hobbies.
Jason and Lorena did manage to screw up the drive over there because he decided to drive around in a loop and ignore his partner’s helpful suggestions – delivered in a whine that would make Flo from Season 3 proud. Later on, when they had gotten on the right track, Lorena was all “I feel like we’re not communicating” to which Jason offered a non-committal “OK. You were right”. Call me a Dr Phil wannabe but I have a feeling Jason’s other foot is going to follow the one already out the door very soon.
After the bike on a wire, it was time for the show to inflict one of their favourite trials upon the contestants: a stubborn animal trained by Satan himself. The contestants had to lead a donkey to a hitching post. The contestants soon learned that “stubborn as a donkey” is a cliché for a reason.
"Dude, don't you dare go all Christian Bale on me. I'm in the Donkey Union, you know."Jen eyed her donkey suspiciously. “Do donkeys kick?” she wondered. Maybe you should lean in a bit closer and find out. Some donkeys outpaced the teams in their desire to get down the path. Others decided they were going to milk this for as much screentime as possible and frustrate a few losers in the process.
Ari and Staella’s donkey took one look at them and knew everything it needed to know. It plonked its ass down and refused to take another step. Despite a stream of threats from Ari to turn it into donkey pie, the donkey remained unmoved. It knew PETA was watching. It’s not stupid.
Nate and Jen’s donkey was slightly more cooperative, a bit like the government of Iran is a bit more cooperative than the government of North Korea. The donkey, like me, developed an allergy to Jen’s voice, so whenever she started screaming, it would bray madly and drown her out. Good donkey.
"Pleeaaaasssse don't fight, Mommy and Daddy!"The only thing that would have made these scenes better was if Gordon Ramsay had shown up and screaming “you DONKEYS” at the contestants.
"yOU ARE THE WORST F***ING DONKEY F***ERS I HAVE EVER F***ING MET! GET OUT OF MY F***ING BOG, YOU BLARNEY F***ERS!!"Teams kept passing them, even the ones who had been on the last ferry. Karma, thy name is Eeyore. Finally, Nate and Jen managed to lure their donkey enough to get it to the hitching post, but it only enough to net them 10th place.
That left Ari and Staella to blunder in last, all courtesy of the most intelligent and perceptive donkey in the Emerald Isles. Ari’s hair spikes drooped disappointingly. “Karma came back and bit us in the ass,” he declared. I wish the ass had bitten them, to be honest.
Next week: Sweet, encouraging Ron may not quite be the stand-up dad he comes across as. And for those of you with a thing for old man mud wrestling, Donald gets half-naked and personal with a bog.