Do we fear that we are inadequate?

Written by Ngqesta from the blog Do we fear that we are inadequate? on 11 Sep 2009
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MaBloggers……this is meant to be a light one for Friday. A chat with a friend made me wonder why we seem to be so inlove with the idea of being inlove, or just merely being in a relationship or even marriage. Do we fear that we are inadequate on our own that we need to have partners to validate our own being? Is it societal pressures? Is it merely the fear of being lonely? Do we just do it to wile away time? I almost want to challenge my dear bloggers to reflect back to the last time they had no attachments of any kind to the opposite sex….this includes sex buddies of any kind! How long did it last? How did it make you feel? Was it by choice?

I’ll be vulnerable and say that I cannot think of a time since I started dating during which I was single….so since my teenage years I have ALWAYS had a partner of some kind. Am now happily married which means unless dear hubby and I decide on a divorce (God Forbid) or he decided to leave me…I will remain attached. I’ll be honest enough to confirm that there were ‘overlaps’ of some kind in between the relationships while dating. And yes, I have been hurt in the process…I have been bitterly disappointed and bruised…..however…I have been loved mad in the process…I have been made the happiest woman alive…and I have had the opportunity of having the best company a girl can ever ask for. While

I love my company (and believe me I do)…I just seem love the feeling of having someone to take care of and share my daily life ups and downs with even more. Does this make me an insecure or inadequate? Does it mean am not content?

Come on dear Bloggers…share your views and experiences........and guys please...if you don't have much to say on the topic...rather don't say anything instead of adding on a negative vibe to it.....hay' kabi!

20 Comments

Toodecent
11 Sep 2009 12:21

bloggers to reflect back to the last time they had no attachments of any kind to the opposite sex….this includes sex buddies of any kind! How long did it last?
Well over 10 months I think..
How did it make you feel? I was actually ok with it, I have a lot of caring people around me and especially women firends. There are those days I would feel lonly but then remind myself its by choice. Also have engaged in long distance relationships before and they generally amde me ready. Was it by choice? Yes it was..

maud
11 Sep 2009 12:27

Do we fear that we are inadequate on our own that we need to have partners to validate our own being? Is it societal pressures? Is it merely the fear of being lonely? no , we get married or have partners to have .... when ever we want it.
nothing beats the feeling of being lonely, the freedom of doing whatever you want without thinking of another person.
but yes the feeling of being married has its best days.

lady gaga
11 Sep 2009 12:39

Do we fear that we are inadequate on our own that we need to have partners to validate our own being? yaa sometimes i think so. people get involved for all the wrong reasons like just because ur friends have boyfriends/husband u also want to be with someone so dat u fit in

Was it by choice? for me not being involved most of the time is by choice and nothing else

GoGetter
11 Sep 2009 13:12

i cant remember the feeling of unattachment, since the early years of high school, when i broke up wit da ma first tertiary boyfriend, i was single for only a month, then i was "attached" again with another guy, were together for +_ 2 years, then the love was lost, so i broke up with him, at the same time i had a crush on another guy and we've been together ever since.
I ddnt feel inadequate in al those tym when i was "alone', I sometimes do wish to be single, free, not think about any particular person, but then i miss that person and ill be happy to be in a relationship.

maddie
11 Sep 2009 13:50

i know i can be a good wife to someone and wonderful mom to my kids, sometimes i feel like am not cut out for that.

The problem is when people look at you as if u r a freak just because you've chosen that kind of lifestyle and that ends up putting a lot people under pressure in doing things they're not comfortable in doing and in turn other people getting hurt in the process.

am in a long term relationship and i don't like it because being in one means u r expected to do certain things.

i'll be fine going solo trust me

maud
11 Sep 2009 13:56

maddie take your time until you are ready, thts when you will enjoy a steady relationship or Married life.

Lela
11 Sep 2009 14:17

I sometimes wish I was still single, I so enjoyed my two and a half years of not reporting to anyone, not fighting with anyone, not feeling guilty when I spoil myself with whatever I want, not giving my cookie to anyone. Sho! those were the happiest years of my life. I'm not even married yet but it feels like I'm somebody's wife already even worse when the mother in law(to be nogal) fights with you because his sons laundry is not done and I'm thinking yho shame abasekhaya abafana bayazenzela ilaundry and I can't even do my own.

maddie
11 Sep 2009 14:46

i feel u Lela, i feel like am caged in my relationship and we're not even married.

can only imagine those who are, how do they feel i know some people r happy in their marriages/relationship mina am not and the guy is so good to me but am not happy with him i mean for 8 years am still not happy, marriage and kids won't change it.

some might say why don't i just leave but then i've thought about it all these years i couldn't do it, i don't even know where to start, the reaction that's what am scared of, am dealing with a very emotionally needy person. eish mathata fela

maud
11 Sep 2009 14:52

@maddie - i dont think i will stay unhappy for whatever reason my happiness comes first, i am not saying i am totaly happy but dear , i dont sleep in tears,

KewlGaL
11 Sep 2009 14:54

Nice topic,

Me I dont feel inadequate at all, I love being in a relationship with my man. I am with him because we love each other & we have decided to be to together by choice. I dont feel any less or more because I have him.
As a person I have always been an independent someone, fortunately for me I am also able to live without attachment to anyone when I choose to. After I broke up with my ex-fiance of 3yrs 5yrs ago, I came to joburg & stayed for 2yrs without any attachment, I was a free agent doing what I like with whomever I liked & I loved it.

I am now in steady relationship & I love every moment of it, yes there's times I wanna tell my man to hit the highway cos I dont want to answer to his Q's abt my whereabouts.
Maud is very right, one needs to be ready in order to have a healthy & happy relationship.

God is love so I doubt that when we are inlove it means we seek to be completed by our partners, Its what God wants. & its a blessing so to all my Sistaz out there who might be questioning the positions in relationships. I say to you in the words of our very own, Tata Madiba

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same"

KewlGaL
11 Sep 2009 15:05

"the reaction that's what am scared of, am dealing with a very emotionally needy person. eish mathata fela"

Maddie! cc wam ur depriving urself of happiness, 8 yrs is a long time in an unhappy relationship please 4 your sake do something. The guys I was dating back then was a very needy person as well, when I broke up with him he swallowed some tablets trying to kill himself. (Stupid man) The bastard even had the audacity of writing letters to me & his parents, unfortunately for him he did not die & trust me he suffered 4 bein so stupid but at the end he managed to live without me & he is still living. Couples tend to manipulate each other when they been together a while, I refused to be in that situation & walked out of that relationship for my sake.. I think you my dear needs to start thinking of making Maddie happy 1st.. Then u will be on ur way to happyville!

Freemale
11 Sep 2009 15:32

Okay, the last time I fell in and out of love was in the year 2007, from that time I have never been in a relationship, cant say at some point I didnt try thou, I did but I just couldnt stand being around a man. I have nothing against the brothers but because after my break up I made life for Me, Myself and I I became too attached to myself than anything else.

I do meet guys and some of them are really interesting and all that but I find myself not being interested at all. At some point it is as if I m suffocating whenever I find myself having to share space with a man. So in other words I find contentment in myself.

I dont believe that for those who just cant find themselves alone is a matter of inadequacy, we all find contentment in different things. I have absolutely nothing against Relationships/Marriage, infact I think it is the most beautiful thing God has ever created but I cant see myself in one. I am my space kind of a person and in a very big way.

maddie
11 Sep 2009 15:43

i dont think i will stay unhappy for whatever reason my happiness comes first, i am not saying i am totaly happy but dear , i dont sleep in tears,
@maud

he's a good guy he doesn't make me cry, am just not happy with him and i
realized over the years that no matter what he does, i'll never be happy with him.

Couples tend to manipulate each other when they been together a while, I refused to be in that situation & walked out of that relationship for my sake.. I think you my dear needs to start thinking of making Maddie happy 1st.. Then u will be on ur way to happyville!
@kewgal

my love thank you so much, i think dat's what am scared of and he's manipulating me so well. u r God-sent and I think I now hav the courage to do this once and all and am nt going to think about the consequences cos that is holding me back

mathata
11 Sep 2009 16:09

to be honest,my husband his a darling,

im not happy ,i have a happy marriage but guys im not free spirit.

guys im happy with my makwapeni,im free spirit around him,he call me bitch,i scream they want i want.

my husband if i do business with ppl,he just question i hate it with passion.i want money that i work for.

he say im greed,

guys im happy but not happy.i want some one who treat me like a bitch,i like being bitchy,say whatever i want.

i like to try,i hate to fail to try

i want a rock.not car n house

can someone tell my husband to call me a bitch,i hate to be perfect.

sometimes i want to be a porn star ....im ashamed,bcs im a wife

i like to be strangled sometimes

maud
11 Sep 2009 16:22

Mathata- youjust need to teach your husby what exectly what you want,
mine knows and i am not compromising

mathata
11 Sep 2009 16:33

@maud,his politician

you know a bitch,i want to be a bitch,im a bitch,

do you think i must tell him to treat me like a bitch,you know is fabulous to fight n have sex later.

Sometimes he must put 20cent on table n say honey how much?.im a good mom.but i hate to be a WIFE.

my hubby his good in bed,but i want more crazy

Ngqesta
14 Sep 2009 09:24

Mathata...am not sure I understand the bit about the 20cent being put on the table?

maud
14 Sep 2009 09:32

@maud,his politician - so is mine

Ngqesta
17 Sep 2009 14:24

Mathata..please explain yourself...am not sure am following you kakhle

J-Girl
17 Sep 2009 14:43

I love being inna relationship, (regular sex is one of the reasons but having to answer my every move irks me out) I love being single (for obvious reasons).

Both have their yays and nays but ultimately the choice is up to us - kwabanga dudelwanga (sorry cant explain this in English).

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